C&C below for parts 1 and 2.  Snippage throughout.

[...]

Chapter One
Haven't We been Here Before?

Akemi ducked under the first punch, and swiftly dropped her left
forearm to deflect the one aimed at her midsection. Her foot lashed out
for her opponant's feet, but they weren't there. She instinctively dove
forward as a high roundhouse kick passed through where her head would
have been. Spinning, she used the mom- entum of her turn to add a
little extra force to a block, and flickered out with a swift jab to
her opponant's face. Of course it wasn't there, the other person was
simply too fast for her to touch. Before she could withdraw the
offending limb, it was snared, and she found herself flying through the
air, landing in the koi pond behind the dojo.

sp: opponent
Also, momentum should only be hyphenated at: mo-men-tum

This is a decent opening paragraph.  It starts right into some action.
I'm afraid it didn't grab my attention, though.  I'm not that enthusiastic
about fight scenes described in text.  I just don't feel that they fit the
written medium very well.

This is all in my opinion, of course.

[...] Remember, you've got more
power than your brother, which is why we started you with Kyokushinkai,

What's Kyokushinkai?

[...] At least I can do the Chestnut Fist, though. It took me until
ten years after we graduated to finally get it."

suggest:  I didn't get it until ten years after we graduated.

"But you got it," added Ranma. [...]

suggest:  But you did finally get it.

This poor author has not the words to describe the bout that followed.

Is there any need to refer to yourself, here?  You don't do it
anywhere else.  I usually only see self-referential remarks like
this in parodies or humorous pieces.

suggest:  There are no words to describe...

[...] Time may have sapped some small amount of speed and strength
from the height of their youth, but the precision and focus they

suggest:  Time may have sapped some small amount of speed and strength
they had in the height of their youth

[...] Both froze, each others' fists inches aray from the other's
face. They broke into grins, clapped each other on the shoulder, and

sp:  away

[...] Mousse, Shampoo, Akari, and Ryouga had spent the night at the
Tendo Dojo. Now, the table held not only them, but also the regular

If you use a 'u' to denote the long vowel in Ryouga and Ukyou, you
should use one to mark the long vowel in Tendou.

[...] Ranma sat at the head of the table, Akane next to

I'm a little unclear why Soun isn't at the head of the table.  Even
if he's given the dojo to Akane and Ranma, he's still their elder.

him, and their daughter, Akemi, and son, Kenchiro, next to her. The
visitors filled in the remaining seats, making for a crowded table.

Indeed.  If it's the same table as shown in the manga/anime, it fits
about two people to each of the four sides.  You've got eleven people(!)

[...] Ranma laughed, and
woke him up, then led him over to the couch, where he could nap in
peace in front of the television.

The TV is in the same room as the dinner table.  Perhaps you should
state somewhere that the furniture is not the same that was there in
their youth.  It would stop annoying people like me from pointing out
"inconsistencies".

Or, of course, you could always ignore it as a non-issue...

[...] There is a single member of the
PRC assigned to a post there, more as a guide than a guard.

suggest: There is a single person assigned there
or: There is a single People's Republic of China soldier assigned

[...] He wore thick, wireframed glasses,

sp:  wireframe

[...] "Now, Kyoko. Is the command of whoever forbade to to speak really

sp:  forbade you to speak

"Ah, be quiet, Ranko." The pig snipe didn't get the reaction Ranma had
expected; in fact, Ryouga got him back, and left him speechless for all
of thirty seconds.

Uh, why is Ranma speechless about being called Ranko?

[...]

"Anyway, let's go inside. Shampoo, I am about to show you part of
Furinkan you never saw before."
Her eyes widened, then narrowed. "What?" Ranma grinned from ear to ear.
"The door." Seconds later, the crew walked inside, as Mousse helped
Ranma out of his crater. "Sorry, Ranma. She never could take a joke
like that."

Cute.  :)

[...]

The second part of chapter one is printed below. I would like to re-
iterate the standard disclaimer at this point - the characters that
belong to other people don't belong to me, and please don't sue me, I
have no money.

When has the amount of money people *have* ever had any bearing on how
much people are sued *for*?  :j

[...]

"Pardon me," began Ranma, "Is Hinako-sensei in her office right now?"
The man behind the desk glanced up. "Actually, she is. If you could
wait here a second, I'll see if she's available."

Usually, the person in this position would ask for a name, before
bothering their boss.  Does "the man behind the desk" recognize them?

After a moment of consultation on an intercom, the man looked up at the
seven of them. "She'll see you, go on in."

punc:  She'll see you.  Go on in.
or:  She'll see you; go on in.

[...] Inside, a fourteen-
year-old girl sat behind a desk, signing a stack of papers in front of

suggest:  a seemingly fourteen year-old girl
or:  Inside, the principal, with the body of a fourteen year-old, sat

[...]

our friends here never went to Furinkan, but were kinda friends with

suggest: but they were kinda friends

[...] "You two aren't delinquints, are you?"

sp:  delinquents

She winked at him, then began to giggle. "Good." She blinked up at him.
"You're not married, are you?"
Ryouga just stood there, stunned, and let Akari lift his hand with
hers, to show the ring. "Oh, well, you're too old for me, anyway,"
pouted Miss Hinako.

Sour grapes.  :)

[...] The monk workd his way through a pattern, ending in the Second

sp:  worked

[...] The monk refused, at first, but relented after a
year of the younger man pestering him about it. It turned out that the
corporate manager had little talent for things mystical, but enough to
eventually enable him to render his chi visible.

Typically, the way of these things is that monks don't teach excitable
people dangerous techniques...  At least, not without arduous and/or
demeaning tasks to prove their worth/dedication.  :)

You used "ki" before, and now you're using "chi".

[...] he rapidly moved up the heirarchy, eventually to President of a
certain zaibatsu. Then, he began to gather around him those who had

sp:  hierarchy

What's a zaibatsu?  If it's esoterica related (which is what I have
to guess, based off the context), is the top of the chain actually
called "President"?  That doesn't sound like a very arcane or
martial-artsy title.

[...] one spring was said to have been where an Asura had drowned, and
a vague hint suggested that Jalamdhara, a demon who once threatened
even the hindu gods, themselves, may have fallen into one of the pools
at his death.
Going to the library, Akihito was amazed at what this demon was said to
have done. It was born of Siva's anger, made manifest, to take
vengeance on Indra and the other gods for a presumptuous wish.

Maybe these are the proper spellings, but I've always seen the names
spelled "Ashura" and "Shiva".

[...] What really caught the businessman's attention was the
statement that Jalamdhara was said to be able to raise the dead.

Okay, time to really embarrass myself with my complete lack of
knowledge about Indian mythology.  Doesn't raising the dead kinda
conflict with the ideas of reincarnation and nirvana?

[...]

Here it is, the second chapter of a fanfic no one seems to be reading,
or at least C&C'ing me about, Desert Moon. BTW, if anyone can guess
where I'm getting the chapter titles from, go ahead and lemme know -
privately.

Oddly enough, the main reason why I didn't read this right away was the
title.  "Desert Moon."  There was something about it that just didn't
interest me.  I guess there was some sort of association with Sailor
Moon, and desert part made it sound like it would be dark.

[...]

Chapter Two
The Best Of Times

[...]

[...] Ranma was dressed in a traditional white gi, belted in black.

A little odd seeing Ranma in a gi.  A little more odd to see him with
a black belt.  Genma never wore one.

Ranma's command, they dropped into a deep horse stance, and began a
series of reverse punches, intended more as a warmup than anything
else. After a few more excercises, the class divided up by approximate
skill, and began practicing katas. The various masters walked through
the students, adjusting a bow stance here, and a wrist extension there.
Complements on form were heard, but not in an extreme amount, while
encouraging words were distributed to the beginners. One by one, the
class completed their first kata, and walked to the back, the better to
see the domonstrations of the masters.

sp:  warm-up
sp:  exercises
sp:  demonstrations

[...]

The applause she recieved was as much for how attractive she was, as
for the beauty of her form.

sp:  received.
I after E, except after C...

Mousse stepped up next, and asked some students to bring out some of
the training dummies. They did so, and fell back to their seats. He

suggest: walked back to their seats
(It sounds like they collapsed, or were shoved.)

[...] "Well, what about you, fem-boy?" Ryouga's use of Taro's old insult
had simply lost its sting after what happened to Taro, in addition to the
fading of the curse. "Come up with any new techniques we might want to
be aware of?"

Fading of the curse?

[...] He reached over, and picked up a small sheed of plywood.

sp:  shard of plywood(?)

Placing it up against the wall, he began to focus and
channel his chi. The wood actually began to glow, and he slowly pushed
it into the wall. Small sparks and popping noises cropped up where the
wood overlapped, quickly resolving into a steady hiss. He stopped, and
the sparks and hissing quickly ceased. When he stood and stepped back,
the holes were completely gone. "Saves on nail prices," he grinned.
The students sat there, either not believing what their eyes told them,
or finally realizing what mastery of the martial arts truly meant.
Their primary sensei had just violated the laws of physics in a rather
blatant manner, then joked about it.

Uh, not only that, but the readers haven't been given a plausible
martial arts explanation.  The pricipals of the hiryu shoten ha,
bakusai tenketsu, moko takabisha, and shishi hokodan were all given
by Takahashi.  We've got no such background for what you described.
And I've never seen anything like it in any other fictional martial
art.

I just can't willingly suspend my disbelief through that.

[...] I think Hibiki-sensei here will join me in a demonstaration match.

sp:  demonstration

Remember, old buddy, no chi attacks.

Same comment about ki/chi.

[...] The survellance of the area had begun.

sp:  surveillance

[...] the reports that Akihito had recieved,

sp:  received

[...] To the shock of the spies, it exploded, sendig razor sharp

sp:  sending

[...] nothing more than you recieved in your breaking point training.

sp:  received

If the foreigner had been using a smaller, faster
bullet, it would have done far more than a wound to your skin."

A smaller, faster bullet?  I'm pretty sure bullet speeds are more
dependent on the distance traveled and length of the weapon's
barrel.  Also, penetration has more to do with the tip of the
bullet than it's size.

Having babbled all that, I'll just say that, while I didn't have a
problem with bullet-proof martial artists, I did have a problem
with the healer's comments.

Some readers probably will have a problem with bullet-proof martial
artists, though.  It's a touchy subject.

[...] Though at least ten yeasr older than the healer, he was extremely

sp:  years

[...] He tapped his forhead to the clean-swept floor. "This unworthy

sp:  forehead



I'm surprised by the spelling mistakes.  Rather than the typical
case of mistaking a correctly spelled word for another correctly
spelled word (e.g. then/than), your mistakes could have been caught
by any spellchecker.  Did you use one before posting?

Not much has happened in this fic.  The scenes with Ranma and cast
haven't established that much.  They seem more like showboating.
"Look at all the cool stuff I can do!"

The Tokugawa guy is a bit more interesting, but only after we learn
his motives.  I personally don't go for mysterious dark groups with
hidden agendas in Ranma fics, so I was initially completely turned
off by him, before I knew the Jusenkyo angle.

I think this fic has potential.  I didn't notice any grammar errors,
and the writing style was pretty smooth throughout.  However, nothing
has happened yet to really drive the plot.  There needs to be some
conflict, or interaction between characters.  Even Ranma and Ryoga
are only fighting each other for fighting's sake.  There's nothing at
stake to interest the reader.

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall  *  dougmacd@dougmacd.net  *  http://www.dougmacd.net/
"You were nicer when you were evil...  Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"