Douglas MacDougall <dougmacd@thecia.net> wrote:

C&C below, snippage throughout.  The criticism is probably too nit-picky,
but I was bored, and Gary can feel free to ignore what he wants; it's his
story

Righto. I'm cool with nitpicks, though I'm not gonna agree with all of
'em I still like to see 'em.

See also my reply to David's post, in which I've responded to some of
this.

[No Title]

The room was a bare cubicle, not much larger than an elevator, with
walls of sterile white. Kodachi Kuno sat at one end of the small,
wooden table and faced her opponent; an opponent who perhaps she could
not defeat.

one end of a small, wooden table
(You haven't described "the" table yet, and never do.
It needs an indefinite article, not the definite article.)

I think using 'the' creates a sort of sense of continuity here -- the
POV character (Kotchi) *has* looked at the table before, even though the
story is just starting.

and faced her opponent: an opponent
or
and faced her opponent, an opponent
(The second clause isn't independent, so it shouldn't be
separated by a semicolon.)

Right.

suggest: an opponent she might not be able to defeat.
or
an opponent she might be unable to defeat.
(Sounds less awkward.)

That does sound better, yeah.

I normally would have ignored the grammar "errors", but the
semicolon and phrase "an opponent who perhaps" made the
language look formal.  You use the subjective and nominative
properly throughout the fic, so I assumed you wanted to use
"proper grammar".

In this beginning part, yeah. The Kunos are formal speakers (wit' de one
obvious exception, o' course) and so I tend to use a more formally
correct style when narrating from Kodachi's POV.

It might have been nicer to see a little bit more of a description of
the room.  The elevator was a nice comparison for size, but wouldn't
Kodachi, a doctor and a table be awfully crowded in there?  I didn't
get that sense from what you described.

Yeah... I'll try to describe it a bit better. The "elevator" reference
probably makes it sound smaller than it's intended to be (but it was all
I could think of at the time).

suggest: it had raged within her, with a brilliance

Will think about this one.

As I was reading this, I was wondering why she didn't believe that
the note *was* real, but that Ranma wasn't a... shall we say, willing
participant?  Then I remembered the intro story.  Maybe you should
recap the relevant scene from the intro somehere?

Not sure if I could do that without giving things away too much. The
reader is supposed to wonder whose version of things is correct, until
the end.

Doctor Chijimu glanced at his watch. "I'm afraid that's all the time we
have. Tomorrow, I'd like to discuss this conspiracy that you said
kidnapped Ranma. For now, I'll take you back to your room."

suggest: conspiracy that you say kidnapped Ranma.
(She's still saying it, right?)

Not at this particular moment, no. IMO, using 'say' would make it seem
like the Doc is pressuring her to change her mind, while 'said' just
means that he's been listening to her.

suggest: a medication cart squeaked
(Squealing suggests a continuous noise, as if the cart's being dragged,
not rolled.)

OK

Is Yoiko supposed to be one of Kodachi's teammates?  She sounds
like a flunkie.  (Not that I'm saying that those are two different
things... ;)

She's from a group working with Kodachi against the aliens. They're not
from St. Hebereke, no. (Well, maybe one or two are; haven't decided that
yet.) You'll get to meet this group in the following parts.

Yoiko also comes with the baggage of being the name of Ryoga's
"sister", thanks to Ranma.  Unless you want people to associate
this girl with a dual-pigtailed, fanged girl, I'd pick a new name
for her.

The names for this bunch come from the Church of the Black Rose, so I
can't really change 'em.

We're coming up to a section of a lot of unfamiliar Japanese
names.  Long names.  Some with more than two syllables(!)
Poor saps like me will become lost almost instantly.  Maybe
you could drop some?  It the name of the weekly necessary?
The captain's name?  Abujimo's first name?  You only refer
to each once.

I could get rid of one or two of them, if that'd help. Any other
opinions out there on whether I should?

suggest: descended the steps leading out to the front door.
(It's not initially clear that the apartment is inside a building.)

Right.

suggest:  And then, all of the sudden,
and
New physical evidence showed up that had been previously "forgotten".

Yeah, that does look better.

[...]

Abujima and Tonma pushed out the door. Their heads turned as some small
object came down, fluttering lazily in the air before landing on the
sidewalk. A flower, with black petals.

You already said that Tonma prodded Abukima out the door with a shove,
which makes the first sentence a little confusing.  Perhaps you could
just say, "When they were through the door/outside..."

Will think about this one.

"You shall address me as Kochi, the Black Serpent!

"Milord, wouldn't 'the Black Adder' be better?"

Where is the red-haired sorceress?  OH ho ho ho ho ho!"

She's three blocks over, in the Slayers crossover. (Female Ranma has
black hair, not red, at least in any fic I write.)

suggest: Her hair was gathered into a single ponytail that hung off
the left side of the head.
("Bunched together" sounds like how a crude odango/meatball would be
made.)

Wll change.

You and I have mutual enemies: the aliens
or
You and I have mutual enemies, the aliens
(The second clause isn't independent.)

Hokay.

Are we forgetting someone?  Tonma is out cold, but Tanaka is still
standing there, watching this whole conversation taking place.  He
could still pick up his gun, tail Abujima, etc.

Yeah, I probably ended this bit too abruptly. Will extend it a bit to
show what Tanaka did.

The grammar errors I found were all pretty technical, and not terribly
important.  There did seem to be a slight excess of sentences starting
with "but", which I didn't mention above.  I normally don't mind too
much, but this informal construct appeared somewhat out of place amidst
the otherwise formal language you used.

I'll look for these and see which ones can be cut.

I'm wondering what the deal is with Kodachi's rescuers.  It's pretty
ambitious for high-schoolers to arrange a break-out. (Made possible
by Sriipi-Taimu sleeping gas.  Endorsed by Kodachi Kuno.)  And why
did it take them weeks before they acted?  For that matter, am I even
right in assuming they're classmates?  Hopefully this will be addressed
in your main storyline.

As I've said, they're not (all) high schoolers; they're a group that
banded together to fight the aliens. And yeah, you'll get to meet them
as the story continues.

Awaiting more,

Thanks much for the detailed commentary!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html