C&C below, snippage throughout.  The criticism is probably too nit-picky,
but I was bored, and Gary can feel free to ignore what he wants; it's his
story

[No Title]

The room was a bare cubicle, not much larger than an elevator, with
walls of sterile white. Kodachi Kuno sat at one end of the small,
wooden table and faced her opponent; an opponent who perhaps she could
not defeat.

one end of a small, wooden table
(You haven't described "the" table yet, and never do.
It needs an indefinite article, not the definite article.)

and faced her opponent: an opponent
or
and faced her opponent, an opponent
(The second clause isn't independent, so it shouldn't be
separated by a semicolon.)

suggest: an opponent she might not be able to defeat.
or
an opponent she might be unable to defeat.
(Sounds less awkward.)

I normally would have ignored the grammar "errors", but the
semicolon and phrase "an opponent who perhaps" made the
language look formal.  You use the subjective and nominative
properly throughout the fic, so I assumed you wanted to use
"proper grammar".

The introductory paragraph interested me, though, so it served
its purpose by making me read on.  The "sterile white" room was
kind of a giveaway to being in a mental institution.  Seeing
Kodachi appraising the doctor as an opponent was interesting.

It might have been nicer to see a little bit more of a description of
the room.  The elevator was a nice comparison for size, but wouldn't
Kodachi, a doctor and a table be awfully crowded in there?  I didn't
get that sense from what you described.

Her opponent was not more skilled than she. On the contrary, his
techniques were only elementary, his strategies transparent, and his
moves easily read. Under normal circumstances, he would have given her
little trouble.

suggest: his techniques were elementary,
(The "only" isn't really adding anything.)

But they had taken her weapons. Not only the ribbon and the clubs, but
they had taken the fire. Once it had raged within her with a brilliance
and ferocity that rivaled the sun itself. Now their drugs had smothered
it dead, leaving not even a smoldering ember. All that remained was an
empty gray haze.

suggest: it had raged within her, with a brilliance

[...]

"No, she did not," Kodachi replied, knowing full well that the doctor
would believe none of what she would tell him, and not caring. "It was
written by the ones who abducted Ranma, left behind to allay
suspicions."

As I was reading this, I was wondering why she didn't believe that
the note *was* real, but that Ranma wasn't a... shall we say, willing
participant?  Then I remembered the intro story.  Maybe you should
recap the relevant scene from the intro somehere?

[...]

"Tell me more about Ranma." The doctor opened a file folder and looked
through it. "I understand that you and he dated."

"Once, yes. I had made a wager with my rival, Asuka Saginomiya, the
White Lily, as to which of us could obtain the finest date for the
evening. Ranma was merely helping me win the bet."

Kodachi seems to be belittling her relationship with Ranma.  He was
*merely* helping her with the bet?  They only dated *once*?

Maybe "officially", but they've been together many other times.  This
makes it sound like Ranma is a non-romantic friend was just doing her
a favor one time, and there was nothing more to it than that.

[...]

"Kodachi, the police needed two special weapons teams just to take you
in for questioning. At the courthouse, they had you in handcuffs and
you still almost managed to get away. I'm afraid that without the
drugs, you could very well end up injuring yourself, or someone else."

Emphasis on the someone else.  :)

[...]

Doctor Chijimu glanced at his watch. "I'm afraid that's all the time we
have. Tomorrow, I'd like to discuss this conspiracy that you said
kidnapped Ranma. For now, I'll take you back to your room."

suggest: conspiracy that you say kidnapped Ranma.
(She's still saying it, right?)

[...]

The doctor stood, and Kodachi did likewise. The door opened, and the
two of them exited into the corridor. To the side, men in laboratory
coats conversed in hushed voices. The wheels of a medication cart
squealed as a nurse pushed it along the tile floor. From a nearby
lounge, a television news reader's voice droned out, assuring his
viewers that he was telling them what they needed to know about world
events.

suggest: a medication cart squeaked
(Squealing suggests a continuous noise, as if the cart's being dragged,
not rolled.)

[...]

"I think she's been drugged." The first woman took off her glasses and
stared into Kodachi's eyes. "Boss? You okay?"

A name came into Kodachi's mind. "Yoiko?" Of course. She knew who this
person was. Though it seemed like a lifetime since they had seen one
another, it had actually been only a few weeks.

"Yeah," Yoiko said. "Come on, we need to move."

Is Yoiko supposed to be one of Kodachi's teammates?  She sounds
like a flunkie.  (Not that I'm saying that those are two different
things... ;)

Yoiko also comes with the baggage of being the name of Ryoga's
"sister", thanks to Ranma.  Unless you want people to associate
this girl with a dual-pigtailed, fanged girl, I'd pick a new name
for her.

[...]

"Murai Abujimo, you're under arrest. The charge is murder."

Abujima.  At least, that's how you spell it everywhere else.

We're coming up to a section of a lot of unfamiliar Japanese
names.  Long names.  Some with more than two syllables(!)
Poor saps like me will become lost almost instantly.  Maybe
you could drop some?  It the name of the weekly necessary?
The captain's name?  Abujimo's first name?  You only refer
to each once.

[...]

The three men descended the steps toward the front entrance. Officer
Tonma gave Abujima a shove, prodding him out the door. He didn't have
any trouble believing that they had nabbed the guilty party. The
Captain said that they had strong enough evidence to convict, and that
was good enough for him.

suggest: descended the steps leading out to the front door.
(It's not initially clear that the apartment is inside a building.)

Tanaka, on the other hand, wasn't so certain. He had worked on the case
from day one, and the evidence had pointed nowhere near Abujima. But
then Abujima had written an article for Oshaburi Weekly about some
bizarre conspiracy theory involving alien invaders; Tanaka didn't
remember the details. It had been so far out, his editor had refused to
print it. And then all of the sudden, witnesses began completely
changing their stories after being visited by the captain and his
cronies. New physical evidence showed up that had been "forgotten"
about before.

suggest:  And then, all of the sudden,
and
New physical evidence showed up that had been previously "forgotten".

[...]

Abujima and Tonma pushed out the door. Their heads turned as some small
object came down, fluttering lazily in the air before landing on the
sidewalk. A flower, with black petals.

You already said that Tonma prodded Abukima out the door with a shove,
which makes the first sentence a little confusing.  Perhaps you could
just say, "When they were through the door/outside..."

[...]

*Oh shit,* Tanaka thought. *She's back.*

"You shall address me as Kochi, the Black Serpent!
Where is the red-haired sorceress?  OH ho ho ho ho ho!"

The shrill, maniacal laugh resonated through the air, chilling him to
the bone. "Ohohohohohohohohohoho!" Tonma reached for his gun, but was

I much prefer "lyrical" to maniacal.  ^o^  Melodious?  Terpsichorean?

much too slow. A flurry of club blows rained down onto his head, making
a sound like popcorn bursting, and he slumped to the ground,
unconscious.

technical point:  Has Kodachi ever thrown her clubs?  I would assume
she'd use her ribbon, or throw a ball.

Tanaka moved ahead to where he could see her. The Black Rose. He'd
never seen her in person before. Her hair was bunched together in a
single ponytail on her left side. The green and black leotard she wore
shimmered in the sunlight. And her eyes glowed with such determination
and confidence that her stare almost seemed to burn him.

suggest: Her hair was gathered into a single ponytail that hung off
the left side of the head.
("Bunched together" sounds like how a crude odango/meatball would be
made.)

[...]

Before Tanaka had even noticed her arm move, the Black Rose's ribbon
lashed out. Like a frog's tongue gobbling up an insect, it took hold of
his weapon and pulled it from his grasp, landing it deftly into
Abujima's hands.

Good imagery, up until the point when the "frog" doesn't gobble up the
insect, but gives it to Abujima.

[...]

The Black Rose smiled at him. "I understand that you and I have mutual
enemies; the aliens who call themselves Fellani. Shall we go somewhere
and pool our information?"

You and I have mutual enemies: the aliens
or
You and I have mutual enemies, the aliens
(The second clause isn't independent.)

Are we forgetting someone?  Tonma is out cold, but Tanaka is still
standing there, watching this whole conversation taking place.  He
could still pick up his gun, tail Abujima, etc.


Summary:

The grammar errors I found were all pretty technical, and not terribly
important.  There did seem to be a slight excess of sentences starting
with "but", which I didn't mention above.  I normally don't mind too
much, but this informal construct appeared somewhat out of place amidst
the otherwise formal language you used.

This was a pretty good introduction to Kodachi's section of SSOA.  You
established that Kodachi was institutionalized, and has been out of the
picture for weeks.  I would have liked to have seen a minor recap of
Akane's abduction, though.

I'm wondering what the deal is with Kodachi's rescuers.  It's pretty
ambitious for high-schoolers to arrange a break-out. (Made possible
by Sriipi-Taimu sleeping gas.  Endorsed by Kodachi Kuno.)  And why
did it take them weeks before they acted?  For that matter, am I even
right in assuming they're classmates?  Hopefully this will be addressed
in your main storyline.

Awaiting more,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall  *  dougmacd@dougmacd.net  *  http://www.dougmacd.net/
"You were nicer when you were evil...  Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"