Finally finished, after much prodding by my Muses (put that harp DOWN! ^^;). This is possibly the longest spamfic I've ever written. :)
The 'fic, in its entirety, can be also be found at http://www.fortunecity.com/westwood/italian/70/ngdbz.html
---
Neon Genesis DBZ
a crossover by Dot
---
Acknowledgements, or Who to Blame for This Fic--Andrew Huang,
whose "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut" (yes, Andrew, you've created
a monster :) showed that EVA fics can be lighthearted and funny, and
Chris Davies, whose "Those Obnoxious Angels" showed that EVA
can be successfully crossed over with a show that has absolutely
nothing to do with 14-year-old children piloting giant robots to save
the world.
Special thanks to Ikari Gendou's Ultimate Evangelion FAQ and
Literal Translation Site: Evangelion Scripts for being there to help me
get the 'facts' straight.
Also, I'd like to give a big "Thank You" to those at the FFIRC for
their enthusiastic support, helpful comments, and weird ideas.
Warning to the Uninitiated: There will be spoilers. Continuity will go
out the window. Characters from unrelated shows will make
inappropriate cameos. The Fourth Wall will be broken. People will
act out of character. Dr. Pepper will be held in contempt. Please
don't kill me. ^_^
Legal Carp: Shin Seiki (Neon Genesis) Evangelion and Dragon Ball
(Z) are owned by a bunch of people who are not me, so please don't
sue me, as I'm broke. ^_^
---
0:1--Something Fell From the Sky and...
Out in space...
Way out in space...
Way, WAY out in space...
Okay, not that far. Back up a little.
There. Much better.
--Ahem--
A small, spherical space ship, which resembled a giant
baseball--complete with red stitches and grass stains--zoomed
through space. The occupant of this ship was currently locked in deep
sleep, the tranquil expression on his face not revealing his true
purpose.
"Mmm...donuts..." the occupant mumbled, tossing slightly.
The spaceship entered the upper atmosphere of the Earth,
leaving behind a glowing trail that most mistook for a shooting star. A
young boy who was failing all of his classes wished to this star that he
wouldn't have to repeat the fourth grade. The spaceship continued its
fall, plummeting towards what was once a large, ice-covered
continent.
NERV Commander Ikari Gendou pushed his glasses back up to
his nose. "So the object has splashed down in Antarctica?"
"Yes, sir," answered Maya, typing at a speed that would have
made Ritsuko proud. "Should we send an investigation team?"
"No, that won't be necessary." Gendou began to walk out of the
room before remembering something. "Oh, and Maya?"
"Yes, sir?"
"See if you can get new glasses fitted for me. This pair never
stays on my nose."
SEELE had also noticed the object.
"This is certainly an interesting new development."
"But it will not make a difference."
"The schedule will proceed as planned."
"Yes. Nothing can stand in our way."
There was an awkward silence.
"Um...just who exactly is talking, anyway?"
The various members of SEELE sweatdropped.
Radditsu opened his eyes and stared when he saw where he
was.
'Yikes, did I do that? I didn't know that impact craters could
be this huge...' Using his scouter, he scanned his surroundings and
scowled.
"So...he didn't finish his job after all..." Radditsu noted out loud
before opening the hatch and launching himself into the air. "Time for
Big Brother to straighten things out!"
Water seeped into the spaceship, which Radditsu had neglected
to close.
Shinji Ikari was not having a good day. Of course, one could
hardly have a good day if one was being pummeled by a gigantic
monstrous being that--at least, according to the script--wasn't
supposed to exist. Rei was in the hospital--again, thanks to Unit 00
going crazy for the umpteenth time--and Asuka wasn't doing that
much better herself out on the battlefield, but she still had plenty of
insults for her fellow pilot.
"Out of my way, idiot!" Asuka yelled as she plowed her Eva
towards the Angel, only to get knocked away into several buildings.
Meanwhile, Shinji was starting to feel a little like wanting to go
berserk, rip the Angel apart, and eat its core. He lumbered towards
the Angel.
And that was when IT happened.
(No, not the release of a new Beanie Baby, although the ensuing
chaos would have been even greater than the Third Impact.
Something a little less disastrous.)
Ritsuko and Misato, watching the battle on the viewscreen,
gasped as a young boy--with a tail, Ritsuko observed--easily trashed
the Angel with his bare hands.
"Impossible..." the fake blond scientist whispered.
(Whoops, didnt mean to give that away. But you were warned.)
Gendou smiled slightly. "For God, nothing is impossible."
Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "And that was in the Dead Sea
Scrolls?"
Gendou shook his head. "No, just some unimportant first
century writer. Claimed that God was born on Earth as a man, and
some other silly nonsense."
A grave somewhere in the Middle East began turning violently.
Shinji's voice broke over the alarms. (Fortunately for the young
pilot, his voice quickly put itself back together.) "Uh, Dad? There's a
guy looking for someone named 'carrot' or something."
Gendou made a mental note to take away Shinji's Bakaretsu
Hunters collection before answering: "Tell him to follow you."
"O-okay..."
"Gendou..." Ritsuko advanced on the commander, not realizing
the double entente she was making. "You're not doing what I think
you're doing, are you?" Gendou said nothing. "Are you nuts?!? You
can't just grab any stranger off the streets and make him an Eva pilot!"
"I just did." slowly, carefully, and deliberately, Gendou pulled
down an eyelid and stuck out his tongue. "So beeeeeeee-da!"
The world quaked from the massive facefault which ensued after
Gendou's wildly out-of-character gesture.
Radditsu soon found himself standing before some guy named
"Commander Ikari".
'Commander Anchor? What kinda stupid name is that?' He
wondered to himself, before saying out loud, "Look, I don't know
how you got such advanced technology or what those giant things that
attacked me were, but I'm taking over this planet and destroying all
life on it whether you like it or not."
The man pushed his tinted glasses higher and clasped his gloved
hands. "How about piloting an Eva instead?"
Radditsu raised an eyebrow. "Does this involve rampant
destruction?"
"Absolutely. And in the name of good, too."
Radditsu thought this over for a while--which, for a Saiyajin,
was precisely 1.9 milliseconds. "Okay. You've got a deal."
'Blech,' Radditsu thought, as he tasted the rising LCL in the plug
of Unit 02. 'This stuff tastes even worse than that weird soda I
had for lunch...what was it called? Dr. Whatchamacallit...'
(I refuse to use that Terry Pratchet word Andrew made famous.
Have to make _some_ of the story original, you know.)
"You ready, Radi-kun?" Misato's voice rang over the speaker
the way a Styrofoam brick didn't.
"Yeah," Radditsu answered in a bored tone.
"If anything happens to my Eva, you're _beyond_ dead!" Asuka
threatened.
"Whatever. Start the test already."
"Radi-kun?" Ritsuko repeated teasingly. "Isn't he a little young
for you?"
Misato blushed--or, perhaps, she was just drunk. "I was only
trying to be friendly..."
"Sure."
A beep sounded, indicating that the synchronization had initiated
successfully.
"Amazing," Maya breathed. "Synchronization rate is 69%!"
Asuka grumbled and murmured something about the erratic
whims of authors.
"Watch it, Asuka," Misato warned. "We can't afford to break
the Fourth Wall too many times."
0:2--If Three's Company, then Four Makes Complete Mayhem
So, despite the vehement protests of Touji (who didnt make that
great of a pilot anyway) and Kensuke (who would get his share of
piloting in other fanfics), Radditsu became the Fourth Child.
"Whaddayamean, he's staying with us?" Demanded Asuka.
"Is it even possible to put that many people into your
apartment?" Shinji wanted to know.
Misato raised her hands to quiet the two pilots. "It'll only be a
temporary deal, so live with it."
Radditsu was more concerned over what Gendou wanted him
to do while he wasnt piloting. "School? Why do I have to go to
school?"
"Because the author's not creative enough to think of a better
place to stick you for 8 hours of the day," Misato replied. "Besides,
how would you be able to pilot an Eva if you can hardly understand
the directions?"
"Oh. My. God." Radditsu stumbled out of the classroom.
"Nice to see that you enjoyed the class, Radish-head," Asuka
noted smugly.
"Shut up...argh..." Radditsu clutched his head. "On my planet,
what that teacher did would be called torture."
"He's not that bad," Rei stated quietly.
Asuka stared at Rei as if the blue-haired girl had just grown a
new head. "Are you nuts? That teacher's lecturing methods are
dangerous to our mental health!" Asuka gave Rei a disdainful look.
"Then again, you've always been a few drinks short of a glass..."
Shinji unexpectedly grew a bit of backbone. "Hey! Leave
Ayanami alone!"
Asuka gave Shinji a withering glare. "Are you telling me what to
do?"
Shinji's backbone retracted itself in a hurry. "Er...no! Not at all!"
"That's what I thought," Asuka sneered.
Radditsu looked around the apartment with dismay. "I'm gonna
be living _here_? Where can I sleep?"
"Not with me, pervert!" Asuka declared.
Radditsu snorted. "Like I'd want to sleep with someone as ugly
as you!"
"WHAT?!? Why you..." Asuka launched into a long rant,
occasionally uttering several unmentionable German insults. The
subtitler, not knowing any words of German besides "Ich bin ein
Berliner" (which meant, loosely, "I am a jelly-filled doughnut"),
panicked.
Shinji only let out a 'Been There, Done That, Got Enough
T-shirts To Clothe Tokyo-3' sigh and went into his room, sliding the
door shut behind him.
"...and you're even worse. So there!" Asuka finished.
Radditsu stifled a laugh. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"
"OOH!" Asuka pulled her leg up and kneed him under the belt.
"OW!" She clutched hopped up and down in pain after her knee
came in contact with what felt like a titanium wall.
This time, Radditsu couldn't help grinning. "Did I neglect to
mention that I can take inhumanly large amounts of pain without so
much as batting an eye?"
"I give up!" Asuka threw her hands into the air and stomped off.
"Looks like you'll have to take the couch for a while, Radi-kun."
Misato suddenly looked very sultry. "Unless you don't mind staying
with me."
Radditsu ran around the room screaming for five full minutes
before Misato could convince him that she was joking.
The next hurdle that Radditsu had to cross was the splitting of
household chores.
"Why don't we play a few rounds of Janken?" Suggested
Misato, who by now had come home.
"You always cheat when you play Janken, and we end up with
the chores," complained Shinji.
"You're just unlucky," countered Misato.
By the time the game was over, though, even Radditsu
suspected Misato of using underhanded tactics, as she ended up with
all the easy chores.
"There!" Misato tacked the new chore arrangement on the wall.
"And no whining, got it?"
The last, and most daunting, task that Radditsu faced was
Misato's cooking.
"You sure this isn't alive?" Radditsu asked, poking nervously at
the...something...that Misato placed in front of him.
"It just takes a little getting used to," opined Shinji.
"Just wash it down with beer," advised Asuka. "_Lots_ of beer."
Pen-Pen warked out what sounded like Chopin's Funeral
March.
"Gimme a break, you guys!" Moaned Misato. "My cooking isn't
_that_ bad, is it?"
Shinji and Asuka looked at one another for a moment before
answering, in unison: "Yes."
Radditsu gave his meal (?) one last critical glance before closing
his eyes and tasting a spoonful.
The world came to a standstill.
"This is..." Radditsu began slowly. "Edible..." he took another
taste. "Good, even..." he quickly ate the rest of it. "Heck, anything's
better than that awful Ship food they try to feed us!"
Everyone else could only stare.
0:3--You Know What They Say About Boys With Toys...
That night, Radditsu sent off a report to his superiors (superiors,
ha! He only called them that because they were paying him), stating
that other being were also interested in the planet known as Chikyuu,
and therefore he would be held up there for quite a while until the
competition was eliminated.
"Oh, really?" Freeza murmured to himself, raising an eyebrow as
he read the report. "In that case, another piece has fallen into place..."
Vegita also raised eyebrow, and made his move. "Checkmate."
"What? I dont believe this! One more match!"
Vegita shrugged. "If you want to lose again, thats fine by me..."
Gendou hated his regularly scheduled meetings with SEELE. He
had a very low opinion of his guardian organization, and downright
contemptuous of their so-called scenario.
'As if they could make the Apocalypse adhere to a schedule,'
He thought to himself. Ah, well. At least he could make faces at the
monoliths beneath his gloved hands.
"You are behind again, Gendou."
"Which, if I may remind you gentlemen, is not entirely my fault."
"Ridiculous. It's always _your_ fault, Gendou."
"Silence. We are not here to bicker. Gendou, Unit 03 will be
arriving soon from the United States. Don't screw up this time."
"Don't worry. Everything will proceed according to the
scenario."
Gendou pressed a button, and his image disappeared.
"I don't trust that Gendou."
"No one here does. But he will soon learn who is really in
charge."
The various heads of SEELE nodded.
"Um..." piped up a small, uncertain voice. "Was that _really_
necessary?"
"......."
Radditsu looked at the gigantic beast in awe. "Wow...is this
_my_ EVA?"
"Yes," nodded Ritsuko. "Would you like to try it out?"
"Yeah! That would be great!"
Misato reached out and pulled Radditsu back by a large strand
of his hair. "Hold it, buddy. You have to change first." she handed him
a white suit.
"But...spandex makes me look fat!"
The curtain seperating the girls side and the boys side was
entirely too thin. And Ayanami Rei happened to be undressing on the
other side. Radditsu felt a tingle run down his tail when the curtain
failed to block out certain aspects of Rei's anatomy.
"Is something wrong, Radditsu?" Rei asked in her eternally quiet,
slightly tired voice.
Radditsu sweatdropped. "Um...hahahaha! Nothing! Nothing at
all!" Radditsu pulled on his plugsuit, and was suprised that someone
had thoughtfully made a hole for his tail. He clicked the button on his
wrist, and with a hiss of air the suit comformed to his body. A hiss of
air coming from the other side confirmed that Rei had done the same.
"Are you ready, Radditsu?"
Radditsu shrugged non-comittally. "As ready as I'll ever be, I
guess."
Rei headed out the door, not even looking at him. "Then let's
go."
Blood, Radditsu realized, suddenly feeling a strange sense of
deja vu. The LCL tasted faintly of blood. He had eaten enough raw
food to know. He should have recognized it the first time, but he had
been too nervous to notice. Over the intercom, he could hear the
various staff announce the startup of the synchronization.
"Synchronization successful, at 69%," reported Maya.
"Great!" Misato enthused. "EVA, launch!"
Radditsu grit his teeth as the force of the thrusters pushed him
deep into the back of the seat. Almost as abruptly, EVA came to a
stop on the surface over a thoroughly ruined section of Tokyo-3.
"Okay, Radi-kun!" It was Misato again. "Just concentrate on
walking for now. Rei will help you if you have any problems. Good
luck!"
"Is Misato always this embarrassing?" Radittsu wondered aloud,
before trying out the controls. They worked perfectly. "Awesome!"
Everyone sweatdropped as Unit 03 began a clumsy rendition of
the Hokey Pokey.
(What are you staring at? At least its not the Macarena.)
"Radditsu, stop goofing off!" Ritsuko finally managed to sputter.
Unit 03 stopped. "So--rry," Radditsu halfheartly apologized,
stretching out the word just enough to let everyone know that he
didn't really mean it.
The corner of Rei's mouth lifted imperceptively. "You have a
strange sense of humor, Radditsu."
By now, even Misato had managed to regain her dignity. "The
rest of us are not impressed, Radi-kun. Goofing off like that in such a
big machine is dangerous! That's enough for today. Get back into the
base right now."
"Okay..." Radditsu dejectedly switched off the intercom and
headed back in.
Radditsu peeled off his plug suit angrily. "Can't I have a little
fun?!?"
"I liked it, Radditsu," Rei offered through the partition.
"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Radditsu
muttered glumly, not daring to look in Rei's direction a second time.
Rei said nothing more as she put her clothes back on.
The next day, during Gym class, the students were herded out
into the field to play baseball. Naturally, Radditsu was placed in the
most stategic position his fellow classmates could find for him: far, far
right field.
"Boring," Radditsu complained to himself as he watched the first
inning progress, his tail twitching restlessly behind him.
Suddenly, Radditsu had the unmistakable feeling of being
watched. Turning around slowly, he relaxed when he saw that it was
Rei. "Oh, hi."
"Hello."
"Um...why don't you sit down?"
"Yes."
They watched the game in silence; no one bothered to call them
in until the period was over.
0:4--Occupational Hazards
The next day, all of the Children were allowed to miss class for
what Misato called a lesson in tactics.
"Okay, Radi-kun, as soon as everyone is in position, I want you
to attack," Misato ordered via the comlink. "Shinji, you're going to be
the first defender."
"Hai." Shinji maneuvered his Eva into place, and waited for Unit
03 to approach. Instead of running towards him, however, Unit 03s
right arm simply shot out at him and hit him squarely on the nose.
"What the--?"
"Bwahahaha!" Chortled Asuka. "Good one, Radish-head! Did
you see the expression on Shinji's face?"
Radditsu's reply came in the form of an agonized scream.
"Bloodymurderbloodymurderbloodymurderbloodymurder~~!"
Klaxons went off in the control room.
"We just lost all contact with the pilot!" Maya exclaimed
worriedly.
"Blue pattern detected!" Reported Hyuuga. "It's...it's coming
from Unit 03!"
"What?!?" Ritsuko stared at the readouts. "It can't be!"
"But it _is_ happening," Gendou spoke up in his ever cold voice.
"Rei, Shinji, Asuka: Your new orders are to stop the Angel."
"B-but!" Shinji stammered.
"You heard him, stupid," Asuka yelled, although her voice didn't
have as much of its usual edge. "We can't let an Angel rampage
around, even if it _is_ in an Eva." Unit 02 began lumbering forward.
"Besides, Radish-head can handle a little pain..."
Misato glared at Gendou for moment before turning to Aoba.
"Sever Unit 03's neurological links and eject the entry plug."
Aoba pressed several buttons before answering: "I can't! It's not
accepting the commands!"
"Come to momma," Asuka crooned in a deadly voice, pulling
out her progressive knife. Before she could blink, though, Unit 03's
stretchable arms knocked the knife out of her hands. She cried out in
pain as Unit 03 made short work of her Eva and moved on towards
its target.
Only Gendou didn't seem to be shaken by the fact that Unit 02
was taken out of commission. "Rei, move forward and intercept the
Angel."
"Understood."
Rei managed to dodge under the first arm, but not the second.
She gritted her teeth as her arm was grabbed and pinned behind her.
Hyuuga's eyes widened as he read the next string of repots.
"The Angel is attempting to infiltrate Unit 00 through its left arm!"
"Sever that arm immediately," Gendou ordered.
"But the pilot..."
"Do it!"
This time, Rei screamed.
Almost as soon as this happened, Unit 03 also roared and fell
back, grabbing its head as if in pain.
There was a slight buzz of static, and then Radditsus strained
voice came over the speakers. "I've got it back under control, but I
don't know how long I can keep this up." Unit 03 convulsed, and
Radditsu cursed. "Somebody better stop this damned thing before it
does any more damage!"
Gendou pushed his glasses back up to his nose. "Shinji. You will
sortie with the Angel." It was not a question.
"I can't!"
"Oh, don't be such a wimp--ARGH!" Unit 03 charged towards
Unit 01 and rammed it into a mountain.
"What are you doing, Shinji?!?" Misato screamed. "Fight!"
"I...can't..."
"Is that so, Shinji?" Gendou's glasses flashed mysteriously. "Very
well. Activate the dummy plug."
Shinji stared in horror as his Eva refused to obey his commands.
"Father! What did you do?"
"What I had to," Gendou answered emotionlessly.
Unit 01 began tearing through Unit 03 as if it were made of
paper. "Stop! Tell it to stop, Father!"
"Not until the Angel is utterly destroyed."
"Damn it!" Shinji slammed his fist on the lever. "STOP, YOU
WORTHLESS PIECE OF JUNK!"
All of the members of NERV watched in morbid fascination as
blood spattered everywhere, except Maya, who covered her face
and wept.
"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" Shinji felt his heart drop into
the deepest depths of despair as he saw Unit 01 pick up Unit 03's
entry plug. "NO!" He broke the sound barrier as Unit 01's fist
clenched.
When Unit 01's hand opened again, the plug had been warped
into a Radditsu-shaped mass. Seconds later, the plug cracked open,
revealing its rather beaten-up pilot.
"That hurt," Radditsu moaned, before promptly passing out.
White sacrificed a Knight for Black's King-side Rook.
"So that's the way you want to play, eh?" Freeza made his
move. "You're still down a piece, you know."
"Yes," Vegita answered, moving a different piece. "But I just
won. For the 13th time in a row, too."
Freeza slammed a fist onto the chessboard, sending the pieces
flying everywhere. "Damn! I can't believe I missed that!" he looked
pleadingly at Vegita. "Another game?"
---
-"Dot"
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