Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic

By: Dreiser


EPISODE EIGHT: You Know What.


SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the 
shadows of Arisugawa Juri and Kiryuu Touga are seen inside. Touga 
is being swarmed by a group of girls who are all trying to 
simultaneously grope and kiss him. Juri watches in a daze.

JURI: (Ponders aloud.) How did all these girls get into the elevator 
anyway?
TOUGA: (Muffled due to orgy.) Mskouiqpip...
JURI: (Frowns.) I know that they just suddenly appeared but there 
has to be a reason for it. People just don't randomly show up without 
any reason!
TOUGA: (Muffled due to orgy.) Eerojuxp...
JURI: (Thoughtful.) I don't know Touga. I've heard of spontaneous 
combustion but spontaneous creation? That's a bit off if you ask me.
TOUGA: (Muffled due to orgy.) Tacivilpoi...
JURI: (Ducks a high flying leg.) No need to get snippy. It isn't as if I'm 
interested in your recreational activities.
TOUGA: (Muffled due to orgy.) Geviulc...
JURI: (Erupts.) I told you that I'm over her! Screw Shiori! I need a 
woman who will accept my affections!

(All the girls in the elevator pause in their orgy activities to stare at Juri 
and simultaneously they abandon Touga to jump onto her.)

TOUGA: (Observes this and smiles lasciviously.) Ladies night and the 
mood is right. This is just like the movies...

SCENE: The basement of the Kiryuu Mansion. The walls are covered 
with various pictures of Kiryuu Touga. His sister of darkness, Kiryuu 
Nanami, sits alone on the floor. The light from the precariously 
swinging light bulb hits her face every few moments to give an eerie 
effect.

NANAMI: (Looks up.) Sister of darkness? Well, that's better than 
diabolically evil I guess. (Scowls.) I can't believe those ingrates 
trapped me in my own basement. Wait until I get out of here! I'll wrap 
them up in so much Saran Wrap they'll look like mummies when I'm 
done! (Laughs maniacally.)

(Nanami suddenly stops laughing and shivers. She nervously looks 
around the basement.)

NANAMI: (Fearfully.) Who's there?

(A shadowy figure can be seen and Nanami gasps at it.)

NANAMI: (Surprised.) What are you doing here?
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Ominously.) I've come to tell you of your 
destiny Kiryuu Nanami.
NANAMI: (Looks skeptical.) You're kidding right?
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Booms.) No!! Now listen to me closely or 
you'll never get out of this basement and see your beloved big brother 
again!
NANAMI: (Snorts.) Get real. We have tons of maids and butlers 
around here. One of them is bound to find me. Until then I have plenty 
of supplies to live off of.
SHADOWY FIGURE: Ah... but what about a bathroom?
NANAMI: (Blinks.) A what?
SHADOWY FIGURE: A bathroom. You know, the place where you 
relieve yourself.
NANAMI: (Blinks again.) What?
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Irritated.) The place where you release 
excretions! C'mon! You can't be this dumb!
NANAMI: (Scowls.) Who are you calling dumb? You're the one 
talking about things no one has never heard of. Have you seen any of 
these so-called 'bathrooms' around Ohtori?
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Ponders.) Now that you mention it...
NANAMI: (Sniffs.) That's what I thought.
SHADOWY FIGURE: Never mind that! Do you want to get out of 
the basement or not?! Because only I can help you achieve that goal.
NANAMI: Enough with the drama. I told you that one of the maids or 
butlers will find me eventually. They'll help me get out.
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Disdainfully.) After the way that you've 
treated them? They'd sooner help Anthy paint the roses green and 
orange! Your servants despise you!
NANAMI: (Shrugs.) Most servants despise their masters. I don't take 
it personally.
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Slyly.) What about the mutiny of your faithful 
cronies and zombie followers? Do you take that personally? I certainly 
would.
NANAMI: (Turns red.) Those plebians betrayed me! ME! Kiryuu 
Nanami! I'll make them suffer!
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Gives patented evil chuckle.) Of course you 
will. With my help...
NANAMI: (Stares at the Shadowy Figure.) Right... look. Can you 
help me get out of this basement already?
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Stops chuckling.) Oh, that. I would but I 
really don't have to. Your former cronies and zombie followers are 
coming back for you.
NANAMI: (Surprised.) I thought you said they despised me.
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Gives patented evil smile.) They do.
NANAMI: Then why...?
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Looks at wristwatch.) Woops. Time for me 
to get going. They'll be here any second for you.

(Nanami watches wide eyed as the Shadowy Figure disappears from 
the basement to leave her alone.)

NANAMI: (Murmurs to herself.) What was that all about?

(Before she can say anything more several of her former zombie 
followers descend upon her. They quickly wrap her head to toe in 
Saran Wrap then hoist her into the air as they toss her up towards the 
disgruntled maids and butlers who aided in Nanami's capture.)

SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually
timely and frequent sunset. The figures of Shadow Play Girls
A-ko and B-ko are seen dueling with glowing swords that look 
strangely familiar. The song from a certain movie that I won't mention 
because it already has enough publicity plays in the background. 
Overall it makes for a very disturbing scene.

A-KO: (Stops dueling.) Disturbing? I'm insulted. Everyone else duels 
in the show. Why can't we?
B-KO: (Leans on her sword.) I think they're talking about the 'you 
know what' theme we've got going here.
A-KO: Pff... we sold out to Disney. It isn't like we can redeem our 
souls after that.
B-KO: (Ponders.) True. (Suddenly her cell phone rings and she 
answers it.) Hello? (Listens.) Good... thanks. (Turns the cell phone 
off.) Well after a week of trying to track them down our man finally 
got us the tickets. He says that we owe him roughly a hundred million 
yen for the effort.
A-KO: (Pulls out her wallet.) That's cheaper than I thought they'd be. 
(Stops. Looks up.) Wait a minute... a hundred million yen? Are you 
sure he didn't say francs?
B-KO: Why would he say francs?
A-KO: (Blinks.) We're French, aren't we?
JURI: (Distantly shouts.) We're not French, we're Japanese!
A-KO: (Looks around.) Who said that?
B-KO: (Shrugs.) Who knows? At least we got the tickets though. We 
really should've lived in that line like the rest of the groupies. I mean, 
what's so odd about abandoning your entire existence to live in a pup 
tent for a week with no electricity or clean bathing when it comes to 
being a part of cinematic history? It's sure easier than trying to find a 
scalper to sell you tickets at a reasonable price.
A-KO: (Sighs.) Got that right. (Scratches the back of her head.) Don't 
we need to do a moral of the week?
B-KO: Oh yeah...
A-KO: (Jumps up and down.) I've got one! (Faces forward and 
stands formally.) Always plan ahead when it comes to getting your 
tickets to 'you know what' that opens 'you know when' because 
reliable scalpers are hard to find. Plus trying to get through to 
MoviePhone can be a real bitch!
B-KO: Sounds good to me. Now lets hurry up and go stand in line or 
we won't get good seats when it opens.

(As A-ko and B-ko run off to stand in line to get good seats for when 
'you know what' opens the scene fades to black.)

To be continued...

All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical 
out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I 
shall continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because 
sometimes I just don't feel like making the effort to write things in story 
format and sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't 
take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. And yes, this was 
partially inspired by DDFA's Waiting For Minako series.

Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com

Thrilling trailer line: What will happen next week?! Will Juri and Touga 
still be trapped in the elevator?! Will we find out who the Shadowy 
Figure is?! And is it possible that anyone who read this hasn't been so 
media drenched that they don't know what 'you know what' is?!

Thanks to Red Death all my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm

For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2.html

Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ# is: 37674780