On Thu, 13 May 1999, Matthew Lewis wrote:

    The sun was going down, the moon out, and the beautiful sunset at
Furinkan high school marred only by a group of students... and a few of
their friends (although I use the term loosely-- both students and
friends, now that I think of it).
    Ranma was busily running, not for some training, but because he did
not want Kodachi to catch him, who did her usual ribbon and leotard

What evil force has now destroyed the pragraph breaks?

[Snip large chunk.  Until Ranma finds Ifurita, the story read too much
like a summary; I think it needs a little more fleshing out.]

having a corkscrew-like design along the end third of its length.
    The woman with her pale, pale hair and similar complexion opened
her eyes, her sad, sad eyes which as soon as they focused on Ranma
broke out into rapturous joy. Her clothes were finely made, though
somewhat tattered from age. The pale blue stockings ended around her
ankles in small tears. A veil was pulled back, revealing her
heart-shaped face. Stern black coat with tails and silver trim was open
in the front, showing her shirt and a generous amount of cleavage of
which even Shampoo could be proud of the amount.

Why would Shampoo be proud that Ifurita has generous cleavage?

    The woman staggered forward, and caught herself on Ranma, wrapping
her arms around his neck. She looked up to him and said, voice full of
longing and joy, "Ranma? Is it really you? I have waited millennia for
you."

    "Do I know you?" Ranma whispered. "Am I engaged to you?" he uttered
his worst fear.

Lines between paragraphs have now mysteriously returned.  Is this
deliberate?

    Ryouga appeared from the rustling bush, bearing two stone tablets
with ten commandme-- scratch that. He emerged from the bushes mad,

Heh.

    The scream, however, did not emanate from Akane. Instead, they
found a voluptuous light blonde woman, dressed in what could only be
described as belly-dancer attire. Ryouga's nose exploded in blood on
sight. The woman was on the ground, seemingly unconscious.
    Ranma looked over at Ryouga with a disgusted frown. Ranma sighed
and went to the woman to see if he could help. Some insignificant

Vanishing lines between paragraphs again.

    "Well, I dunno, actually. I mean, there's me, my dad, Shampoo,
Mousse, Pantyhose, Rouge (as Ashura), y--" Ranma said, only to be cut
off by Ryouga.

Heh.
 

    The aforementioned natives took this moment to come out into the
opening. Large, strong-looking bipedal instectoids of varying shapes--
Bugrom. Kodachi sighed and unravelled her ribbon. No one and nothing
would keep her from her rightful place at Ranma's side.

    Tatewaki noted the demon-spawned creatures and immediately went
into a battle-stance. "You shall not keep me from my destiny, Saotome!
Not you nor your minions!" he shouted.

    The Bugrom stood there, then, after a moment, bowed.

Heh.
 

    Tatewaki and his sister Kodachi strode proudly through a large,
vaulting and organic looking hall. No absolute straight lines-- it the
building looked more grown than built. All openings, windows high up
and balconies and doorways seemed to have a hexagonal design. The
lighting was dim, and rather orange, making the dark colours of the
building material seem even darker. This made absolutely no impact on
the Kuno siblings, who were on a mission-- a mission of love.
    The hallway ended, becoming a large, round, open arena-sized throne

Vanishing line between paragraphs

    "Surely," Gallus said, turning towards Rune Venus, "you can make an
exception for you betrothed? After all, we are getting married soon,
are we not, love?"

for your betrothed
 

    Ukyo sighed. Mousse didn't need glasses anymore, and in fact had
the best sight out of all of them now. This did not go over too well

Why?  Is this due to their transition to this world?  Or some other event?

with Shampoo, whom before at least was able to share Mousse's obsession
with her when he mistook someone else for her. Not so now.

share Mousse's obsession?  I don't quite understand what you mean.

 

    Ranma missed all this, mind you, being in a state of deep sleep.
The woman caressed Ranma's sleeping form: Ranma slept on. She started
to undo the bindings of Ranma's clothes: again Ranma was oblivious. She
squeezed Ranma's right breast: Ranma woke up quickly, screaming and
flailing about madly.
    The wildly moving arms had the unintended effect of knocking over
the cup of (still plenty warm) tea onto Ranma, changing a she back into
a he.

Blank lines go poof again.

    The real genesis for the story was Ranma impersonating Fatora (as
Makoto does), and well-- Ura. Right. 'nuff said. ^^

That should be fun.

A fun start, although the opening segment before he finds Ifurita needs a
little work, I think; it felt rushed.


John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

"If you're looking for a new coaster, the album _13_ is perfect for you."
--Daily Kansan Music Review