On Fri, 14 May 1999, Evangelion Unit01 wrote:

                          Starlight Entertainment
                                Presents
                 An original Story by Jorge A. Rivera
                 (c)1999 Starlight Entertainment

                           Future Destiny:
                              The Party

Well, it's got potential.  Really.  But there are some hurdles you need to
pass before you can really address the more nebulous questions of plot and
drama.

The first paragraph:

    It was a warm sunny day, the warm breeze flowing through the park,
stirring ocassionally the leaves and branches of the trees. She walked
alowly, her long black hair flowing side to side, her heart shaped face
filling slowly with a happiness she slowly endeavored. She wore a yellow
blouse and a rose pattern skirt. She wore high heeled sandals, her feet
slowly walking slowly in against the concrete. She wore yellow ribboin
atope her head, her deep brown eyes filled with a ray of hope and
anticipation. Somehow, she knew today was the day that she felt a
wonderful feeling slowly creeping up inside her. Her lips were full
lipstick, deepp red, giving it a lusciuos look. She kept on walking, past
the oak trees, towards a house that was slowly coming alive. 

Grab your dictionary and follow with me:
ocassionally -- occasionally
alowly       -- slowly
heart shaped -- heart-shaped
ribbion      -- ribbon
atope        -- atop
deepp        -- deep
lusciuos     -- luscious

Okay, that's the first paragraph.  Now, there's more problems other than
spelling.  Grammar?  There seems to be something wrong with this sentence
(perhaps some words missing):

"Somehow, she knew today was the day that she felt a wonderful feeling
slowly creeping up inside her."

Other than that, the grammar is technically okay, though you don't seem to
take any risks with your prose. However, there are stylistic problems (the
following is a subjective, but "generally accepted" opinion): 

The list of what she was wearing is presented in a way as to make it
static and tedious.  Try using the details in the course of action.  Have
her clothes and such interact with the environment.  It will make for a
deeper description of the scene, and a richer setup.

Self-Insertion:  We see it.  You know it.  Many avoid it.  Writers draw
upon their own experiences out of instinct -- it's the most natural and
honest source to draw from.  However, observation of othersis the author's
second-largest tool.  If you make the characters your own without making
them you, you will find readers can realte, both to the "you" half, and
to the half they see as themselves.

Formatting:  When I responded to this, it was all of three lines long, but
the lines were many hundereds of characters wide.  Be sure to not only set
your word-wrap to 75 characters, but to save anything you do in Word or
what-have-you that's going to the FFML in Text With Line Breaks mode, so
that, at the end of each line, it puts a carriage return.  This is mainly
for the convenience of the leigons of users who still use text-based
e-mail (like me).  Set the font to Courier 12 with a 1" margin on either
side, and save it in the above-mentioned format -- you'll be amazed at the
consistency that results.

I'm not going to say anything on the plot or storyline, as it seems a
little short to give a comment on.  I'd focus on fixing the errors and
looking at my style suggestions, and then going from there.

Good luck, and keep writing -- it's the only way to get better.



--Matt (who wrote on a chalkboard earlier today and felt scholarly)


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