As always, C&C is welcomed,

Ask and ye shall receive.  And receive.  And receive.

mother. It was their sixth secret meeting; with Genma being such a
coward, Ranma had been forced to find out where his mother lived on
his own. Then he had introduced himself. The first meeting was very

Okay, this is set before Ranma first meets his mother in the manga...

trying, and Ranma had thought he had given up his life as soon as he
had shown her his curse;

Why?  Ranma doesn't know about the promise if this occurs before the
first meeting.

but Nodoka was quick to assure him that it
was not so. She recalled her mother's words, 'I can not hold you to
your father's promise of Seppuku because you have proven to be three
times the man I had hoped you to become: First, by putting up with
the $h^# your father has pulled. Second, by coming here without your

Nodoka uses language like this?  Ah ha!  A highly alternate universe!

father's permission; and Third, for revealing to me that which would
null your manlyness and cost you your life in its stead, when you
could have hidden it from me. Truely, you are a man amoung men.'

     ~Yeah, the only man amoung men who can be a woman too.~ Ranma
mused bitterly. Another arguement over his curse had sent him here,
via Tendouu Akane's Mallet Express. He had landed head first into the

Interesting romanization; in the most common systems, it would be either
"Tendo" or "Tendou", or perhaps "Tendoo".  Also, I am confused at this
point about Ranma's arrival:  Akane knocked him directly to his mother's?
And he just stayed, making it the sixth secret meeting?  Seems contrived...

barrel of rain water Nodoka kept for watering her flowers. Ranma had
to admit, it was a good, money saving idea; and also one which worked
exceptionally well in Nermia..

It's spelled "Nerima", and the barrel of rain water seems like an
unneeded distraction.

     "So it would seem. As I was saying, I believe it is too early
for you to be married,

This, from the old-fashioned Nodoka (who may very well have been
married younger than 16)?  More evidence of as-yet-undescribed
alterations in the past of our characters...

and for Soun to be wedding you against your
will to one of his daughters.. Even if it is a matter of Family
hono.." Nodoka trailed off, and a thoughtful gleam entered her eyes.

     "Mom? You ok?"

     Nodoka smiled. "Tell me truthfully, Ranma: Do you have feelings
for, or would you want to wed, Tendouu Akane?"

Given the Japanese name order, you might want to add honorific suffixes.
"-chan" if Nodoka has met Akane; "-san" if not.

     Ranma blinked. "Well.. *Sigh* If you had asked me five months
ago, I coulda said yes.. But now..."

In canon, that would place this story at least five months after
volume 38.  But we know we're in an alterverse where Ranma met his
mother prematurely, though his own detective work.  If the whole
series takes place in a single school year, or one and a half
school years (to use the timetable a few of us adopt), and this
is set during the early 20s, volume-wise, then Ranma would have
said "yes" between one and six months after meeting Akane.  Canon
Ranma wouldn't have; he would have just dithered, so we have another
alterverse discrepancy.

     Ranma did some quick soul searching.

Whoa!  EXTREMELY alternate universe!

indignatnly, "AnD tHaT _DaMn_ mAlLeT Is dRiViNg Me nUtS!!" Ranma

"indignantly".  The unusual capitalization is distracting.

would have been seething from the gills at this point, except she
didn't have any; the author blatently ignored this and used the
expression anyway.

This is kind of distracting, also.  Abruptly switching to authorial
comments works in some cases (see Girl Days for a recent example),
but you appear to be striving for a different and incompatible tone,
and you haven't yet established enough trust in your reader anyway.
Tell some more story first.

     Nodoka seated herself in front of her son. "Ranma, what would
you do to get out of your engagement to Akane?"

     "Anything."

Hmmm... The Ranma we know gets mad at "that uncute tomboy" all the
time, without ever quite going this far.  Something has happened...

     "Even commit Seppuku?"

     Ranma shuddered. "If it came down to it.. yeah, even commit
Seppuku."

Yep.  Something EXTREME has happened in the past of this alterverse...

Two years
after that, my brother's wife also died. My only extended family
other than you and your father, are my brother and my father-in-law."

So Nodoka and Nobuyuki are brother and sister?  Too bad.  I like the
version where Nodoka is Achika's sister, and Youhou's daughter, better.

my maden name of Masaki. Both my father-in-law and my parents were

"maiden"

the marriage with the Tendous so that he could live off the dojo.

You've switched the spelling/romanization of "Tendou".  I'd suggest
picking one and sticking to it.

more than willing to name you as an heir. You will no longer be Ranma
Saotome. Your new name will be Ranma Masaki. However, I will not

You were using Japanese name order above.  Pick one and stick to it.

     Ranma nodded. "I'll do it. Heck, I've done it already. But.. I
think that I should try to tie up a few lose ends first."

"loose"

Critic's pause for reflection:  Nodoka blames Genma for everything,
herself for nothing.  No self-disparagement?  "I should have listened
to my parents and never married Genma.  What an idiot I was back then!"

The Ranma we know doesn't seem to take pride in _being_ a Saotome
so much as being a student of the Saotome _school_.  He's still
that with a change in family registries and surnames; alternately,
Nodoka can talk up a Masaki School.

     Ranma-kun stood outside the gates of the Tendou Dojo. His mind
was set, his commitment firm, his mother behind him. "Wait here
untill you get the signal to come in.

     Nodoka nodded. "Do you remember what to say?"

     Ranma smiled. "I think so. You made me memorize the script
twice."

So Nodoka wrote a script, but Ranma feels compelled to say "Wait here
until (spelling error in orig here) you get the signal.."?

     With that, he entered the Tendou-kan. Kasumi met him at the

Tendo-ke.

Soun finally spoke up.

     "Well, we are here. What is is you wished to say?"

The scene before this dragged.  It would be more dramatic if you'd
just had everybody at dinner, and Ranma walked in and started his
speech.

     "Tendou-dono," Ranma said, speeking to Soun, "I say this with

"speaking".  Also, the use of "-dono" here.  In everyday Japanese,
I'm told it is far more often used sarcastically, as a put-down,
then in real respect.  If your intent is to signal respect, I'd
suggest that a deep bow would work better.

     "However.. I am unable to fulfill the vow set by Genma and
yourself. I can not and will not marry any of your daughters."

This is, BTW, the first we've been informed that Ranma is also
rejecting Kasumi and Nabiki as alternates.

looked at Akane. She squrimed. He looked at Nabiki. She raised an
eyebrow. He looked at Kasumi. She met his gaze and nodded. "None of
them wish to marry me, and I do not wish to marry any of them."

Canonical Nabiki would suddenly volunteer to be the fiancee at this
point, as another money-making gimmick.

     Genma decided that it would be a good time to be an ass. "What

It suffices to show us that Genma is an ass; you don't need to tell us.

Saotome! There is no escape! Resistance is futile! You shall be
acclimated!"

I assume this was meant as a ST:TNG reference?  If so, the last work
should be "assimilated".

     Ranma shook his head. He handed his father a small slip of paper
with the exact instructions to read it after he was finished. He then
opened the door to the porch and walked out into the yard. Everyone
watched Ranma, except Genma, who was still puzzling over the slip of
paper he held. Ranma cupped his hand to his mouth and yelled as loud
as possible.

I'm lost.  What's the point of this?

     Nodoka is outside.

Distinguish the contents of the note by placing it in quotes or
something.

     Ranma shook his head at his father, who was begging for his
life, and at the Tendou's, who were looking at him in shock. "It's
over.." He said softly. Soun, realizing that a union between his
family and his best friend's was now impossible, did as expected. He
started bawling.

Still no demon-head?  And why does Soun _now_ realize that a union is
impossible?  The implication is that Soun has prior knowledge that
Nodoka will oppose vehemently.  And _WHAT'S_ "over"?  And if the
Tendous have never met Nodoka before, why aren't they reacting when
a stranger holds a katana to their guest's throat?

     "Well.. You did. Deeply."

(Sarcastically) And she's really demonstrating it, too...

'Genma' is in the bag. That and a thirty persent commision of what I
made off those photos of you.."

     "Thanks, Nabiki. This means a lot."

     Nabiki embraced him, and kissed him on the lips. "we could have
had something together. nothing seems to work out right for either of
us, though.." She whispered in his ear.

     "At least you wern't engaged to five different guys." He
whispered back. Nabiki laughed at Ranma. "Write a book about my time
here. You'll make a fortune."

     "Now there's an idea." She smiled. "I'm gonna miss ya, you
silly, muscle brained, Yen factory you."

     "Same to you, Nabiki."

This is so OOC it's surreal.  If Nabiki ever behaved anything like
this, Ranma would be unconscious, face-faulted, and promise-posed.
Nabiki _meaning_ anything like this is surreal beyond belief.  If
Nabiki _does_ feel that she and Ranma "could have had something
together", why isn't she insisting on taking Akane's place as
fiancee?

At this point, the reader knows he or she is in an alterverse
far, far away from the ones fanfics normally inhabit.

     "It's not your fault Akane. In some other place, universe,
Fan-Fic, we did it right, and probably got kids. 

Authorial philosophizing again.  Still out of place.

     She nodded, then did the unexpected. She kissed him, full on. It

This is unexpected, all right.  Not to mention OOC.  Desperate, teary
hug, possibly; angry retreat to room, possibly.  Kiss?  No.

     Soun watched this strange prosession in awe.. 

"Strange procession" doesn't capture what your reader feels at this
point.

     He smiled a sad smile, and left without looking back.

So Ranma was faking those genuine-sounding regrets?  I don't get
it.

Nekohanten. "I think I know of a way.. But it will make me look bad."

And that's why he hasn't ever exercise this "way" in the past?

     "Then help me think of a way to get out of marryin' Shampoo! You
know I don't wanna marry her!"

I thought Ranma knew of a way?

     "I beat her on accident the second time! 

<clip>

     "Then my great-grandaughter has no claim on you and we have been
here wasting our time!"

<clip>

     "No. All She said was that you had beaten her in combat. Since I
see this was not the case, then you shall just have to fight her
again."

Okay... So Cologne _does_ want Ranma married to Shampoo, but _not_
for reasons of tribal law...  I think I'm following this...

     "Then you shall fight ME!" Cologne screeched, leapt twords Ranma
on her staff, And..

So that Ranma'll have to marry Cologne?  (blink)  I'm not sure I'm
following this...

     Stopped short. Make that Shorter. A strange woman weilding a
Katana had lopped off the end of her stave. Clean cut, too.

Hmm..  Canonical Nodoka is comically inept with her katana; this one
can strike so fast Cologne can't detect and avoid the strike?
VERY deep alterverse changes.  More reason why Nodoka should be
Achika's sister, rather than Nobuyuki's.  Although speed isn't
one of Achika's or Tenchi's traits; Youshou might be able to do
this, but how can Nodoka, unless she's several centuries older than
she looks?  AHA!  That's the alterverse change!  However, now
you're in a real pickle justifying her marriage to Genma...

     Cologne then realized she was wrapped in about twelve feet of
chains. She blinked. Even that Imbicile Mousse could trap her when
she was distracted. "Mousse, remove these from me, now."

She has to ask?  Why doesn't she just Bakusai Tenketsu them?

     "Neither is this.." The chinese boy intoned, pulling on the
chains in his sleeves. Cologne felt the chains tighten around her.
"..Give me Shampoo, or you can embrace death like a true warrior."

Hokay... so Mousse believes that Cologne is empowered to do this?

     As Ranma heard the inevitable 'you shall never have my
great-granddaughter',

"inevitable"?  Canonical Cologne is nothing if not pragmatic.
So Nodoka must have visited China while Cologne was young, or
before, and changed her past as well?

he motioned for his mother to step back, as he
himself did.

And Ranma's been changed, to not care if someone who has
helped him a lot dies when he can prevent it.

     "No.. the laws of the Amazons clearly state that the punishment
for inturruping a marrage duel is death."

(blink)  Mousse is trying to marry Cologne?  And where'd this
law come from, and why does Ranma know it?  (scratches head)

     Mousse shuddered. He couldn't believe he had actually done it.
He had killed Cologne. Shampoo was his. 

Shampoo is his because he beat Cologne....  hokay...

He could weave a cover story
so intricate, even the other Elders would be forced into believing
it. Dead Amazons tell no Tales.

Or maybe not...  

<clip> 

     Mousse dropped the chains connected to Cologne's body. He'd
probably have to clean it up, too.. Best wait untill Shampoo saw the
evidence, though.

Shampoo is going along with Mousse's cover story...  And that would
be why, exactly?  Damn I'm confused...

     Ranma quickly explaned to his mother that what had occured
inside of the Nekohanten was legal, according to the Amazon's laws..

Now Ranma believes he's a Joketsuzoku lawyer?  And so what; it
happened in Japan.  They're still bound to call the police.

     Nodoka looked at her son harshly. "Do you truely feel nothing?
We saw a woman.. Or maybe a troll, murdered in front of us!"

Ranma shrugged. "I feel sorry for her, sure.. But it was her choice.

(blink)  Cologne knew that she would get no second chance?  And
that "beat" meant "kill" in this battle, when it never did before?

     Ukkyou was in a lamentable mood. First that hussy Shampoo had

Another innovative spelling/romanization!  Let's see:  U-ki(yo)-u
somehow comes up with a second 'k'.  Inventive of you.

shown up, then Kodachi arrived and scared her coustomers away.

And just _why_ did Shampoo and Kodachi visit Ukyou?  They never do
in the manga.

     Ukkyou surveyed the view, taking in the destruction of her
livilyhood. "This just isn't fair!" She whailed, beggining to cry.

Nice irony, considering what Ukyou helped do to Nodoka's house.
Oh, wait; that's in another version of reality.

     Ranma was floored, literally. As soon as he was past the door,
he had suffered a massive facefalt. Nodoka blinked twice, making that
really cool *Squeegy-Squeegy* sound. That was when they heard Ukkyou
say it wasn't fair. Ranma quickly recovered and went to where the
Okonomiyaki-style martial artist was kneeling.

This paragraph, with annoying authorial intrusions, can be dispensed
with.

Oh! If it
weren't for you bein' here, Ranchan, I'd just leave, and sick my
lawer on 'em.."

"lawyer".  How convenient that she's feeling like leaving town...

hug, and held her at arms leangth. "I thought you were a coustomer!

"length"

I'm Konji Ukkyou, Ranchan's fiancee! I'm so glad to finally be able

"Kuonji"

It's your choice now. I'm leaving this damn town. I want you ta Come
with me, Ucchan."

Shampoo and Akane were to be disposed of quickly, but he wants Ukyou
to come with him?  Just checking...

dunno.. She's always just been Ucchan.. You know? The one person I
could talk to when everyone else wanted my head.. Besides, if I had
tried somethig, it coulda screwed up our friendship, and I don't want
that to happen.."

Ranma doesn't "talk" to Ukyou in the manga; Akane does.  Ranma doesn't
"talk" to much of anyone, except perhaps Ryouga, a bit, but
perhaps this story is set before he even does that.

     "If all I can be to you now is your friend, then that's what
I'll be; But I want you as my husband, Ranchan.. Engagement or no."

So Ukyou is OOC too?  The alterverse change includes her past?  Or,
more likely, is she thinking something quite different?

     Ranma shruuged. "Ok.. If that's how ya feel about it. Kodak, see
what developes." Ukkyou looked at him in a strange way.

Cute Americanisms out of the mouths of Japanese characters don't
help convince your readers to trust you.

     Ukkyou opened the door to her room. "Belive me, mom.. Between
what Ranchan and I 'ave both seen, nothin' could be like this
place.."

Irony, setting the stage for the happenings at the Masaki's.
BTW, you probably should have considered at least one scene from
Tenchi's house, just to let your readers know the timeframe in TM!
continuity, and _which_ continuity.

     "You'd be surprised." Nodoka said quietly, and all three began
to pack Ukkyou's meger belongings.

"meager"

*

At Tokyo International Airport, a plane took off. It had been a new,

They're taking a 747 between Tokyo and Okayama, rather than a
Shinkansen?  Why?  The 747 implies that the destination airport
is a big one, like the new Kansai, which means that the total
trip time would be less going by Shinkansen (Nerima -> Narita,
2 hours; flight 1 hour; land transport Kansai -> Okayama 3
hours, versus around 4 hours total by train).

     Ukkyou growled. "Just shaddup and watch the movie."

Movie?  Between Tokyo/Narita and _ANY_ airport in Japan?  The
flight wouldn't be long enough, surely.


Summary:  This was not fun to read.  Spelling, characterization,
and story-telling all need work.  Don't waste time with
preliminaries because _you_ think they're cute; figure out
what your story is, and start at _its_ beginning.

If this is an alterverse, inform your readers early on what
the key difference is, and don't change established
characterizations of characters who are not affected by that
key difference.

I can't even figure out what the point of this was:
- Clearly this isn't meant to be the story, but an (unnecessary)
  preliminary...
- You break up Ranma and Akane without any heat, and pair
  up Ranma and Ukyou, without any preliminaries.  Why did we
  need to read this?  Why not just skip to the story, and
  give us the fair accompli?
  (I _really_ recommend you read Nicholas Leifker's "Sunrise"
  for an alternate way to do this.)
- You kill off Cologne, without any apparent need to do so
  plot-wise, and have her _way_ OOC while doing it.
- Early on, you establish that this _is_ an alterverse,
  rather than a continuation, but you never give us much of
  a reason for this specific change (Ranma finds his mother
  early).

Why?  Clearly you have an axe to grind with Cologne, but you
don't appear to have much of one with Akane, to judge by the
scene at the Tendo-ke.  So why break Ranma and Akane up?  I
can't fathom the point.  And what was the point of Nabiki
being so OOC?  Surely we're done with all these characters?

I don't know if you meant to suggest that Nodoka is several
centuries old (I suspect not), but it's not a bad idea, on
its face; maybe she married Genma while drunk, or bored out
of her mind.  Maybe she has a lot of other children by
previous husbands.