--- "Curtiss R. Nelson" <curtiss@seattleu.edu> wrote:

Resurrected Memories
Fragment Two (Teaser Section)
By Curtiss Nelson (aka Me)

  First, I'm goint to say that you have a really 
good story going.  The plot is interesting, and 
the style is great.  However, there are a few 
problems that I went over below.

      And the screams!  The screams!  They still echoed
in the still 
air.
	Rose and fell.
	Again, and again.
	He had fought!  Clutching his head, using all his
willpower and 
effort!  

Is this supposed to read like he was "clutching his head, using all his
willpower and effort" as he had fought?  It is what it sounds like, and
if this was your purpose, it just doesn't read fluidly.

Even that stopped, as something; no, someone,
penetrated the 
sanguine barrier about Ranma.

I'm pretty sure that the semi-colon doesn't belong there.


That's all.  Sounds good, so keep writing.

<ana_chan_@yahoo.com> 

_____________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com