I haven't read the story under discussion, but, from the C&C I've
seen, I probably wouldn't enjoy it either.  Sounds like the author
should read Nightelf's "Sunrise" for a clue to a better starting
point:  just kill everybody except the characters he wants.

However, there is another point I'd like to comment on:

Reid Carson wrote:

     (I don't see what's so hard about writing a convincing break-up.
We've got two emotionally volatile teen-agers, both of whom have
trouble expressing their feelings, and one of whom is an insensitive
lout who's mostly clueless about his own, or anyone else's feelings.
Still, I don't at the moment recall any really convincing break-up
stories since "Angel Spit", however many years ago that was. Odd.)

The problem, IMO, with writing a convincing break-up is that they're
both extremely forgiving characters.  Akane breaks up with Ranma all
the time, for a few minutes or hours, then something happens and
they've both forgotten completely.  Writing a convincing breakup
means somehow overcoming the repeatedly-demonstrated, inarticulated
behavior each demonstrates, of turning to the other immediately
whenever a threat appears on the horizon.