The biggest problem that I can see with your use of "Military
Technobabble" is that you launch into it with no explanation of what any
of the terms mean. It won't matter a hoot to but a handful of your
readers, and then only if you got it right. Quite likely you will turn
readers off if they start getting overwhelmed by a bunch of terms and
acronyms that mean nothing to them but are obviously important elements
to your story.

There was a maxim in the Nuclear Propulsion community that sums this up
nicely: "Don't Speak in Symbols." It works (more or less) if the person
you're communicating with has a similar background and knowledge base,
but to anyone else it's gibberish. I think this is a lesson that applies
to all forms of jargon found in fanfiction, from computers to medicine.
It's okay to use the terms, and it really adds authenticity, but we as
writers must walk our readers through our jargon at the beginning,
establishing context and spelling out acronyms *easing them into it*
before we can think of moving on at the brisk rate of immersion you
subjected us to with this piece.

In my opinion,
Jamie
-- 
       "Why are they wearing bras?"
          -Rachel Wilde, age 4,
while watching the Dirty *ahem* Lovely Angels...
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