Oh, Brother!" Part Seven:
The Marriage of Tsubasa
(The scene opens panning a pink-frilly bedroom. The bed is littered with
pictures of all sorts. As we get closer, we see it's a lot of boys. Azusa
Shiratori is looking at all of the pictures. Each series of pictures she
compares with a complete DNA and pschyolanalyist. Hey, it's modern dating in the
'90s. Currently, she looked at a picture of Mousse.)
Azusa: {Mousse...very cute...}(She turns to the next picture. He's completely
naked. She looks at a sheet giving out his complete measurements. Her eyes bulge
out.) {His Pere is verrrry long and kawaii!!! Pere is sooo cute!!! However, he
and Shampoo are getting married soon...how sad.}
Azusa's mother's voice: Azusa! Have you sent all of your invitations?
Azusa (shouting back): Yes mother!
(Azusa looks at her pictures.)
Azusa: Let's see...(Looks at a naked picture of Ranma) demon-possessed by
Akane...(looks at a naked picture of Kuno)...too dumb! Even I, the Kawaii
Princess Azusa would never even date this boy! (She tosses Kuno's pictures
aside. Her caged pets all get bloody noses seeing all of pics of naked boys...)
Azusa's father's voice: Azusa! We're leaving for work!
Azusa (shouting): Alright! Have a good day at work! (Looks at a naked pic of
Sukai.) Wow...he's very kawaii...but he's also engaged...too bad...for a very
girlish boy, he's got a kawaii basket! (She sees Tsubasa's picture. Her eyes
widened as a picture of him appears in the typical girlish dress. She speaks in
a whisper.) Wow...he's...he's...b-b-beautiful...(She looks at her naked picture.
He is drying his back outside on the porch. Azusa's mouth
drops.)...wow...(screams) He's more than cute, he's drop-dead gorgeous!!! I must
have him for the party tomorrow night! (She jumps up and down, and in doing so,
the cages fall on the floor and open up. All of her kawaii pets escape any way
they can. Azusa stops and sees her pets escape.) Oh, well. I lose more kawaii
pets this way...
*****
(Fade in to a picturous lake in the middle of a huge park. We see a hugh
sailboat floating in this park. At the front of the boat, a head pops up...it's
Tsubasa Kurenai. He looks wide-eyed and smiles as he sees his disguise works.)
Tsubasa: Yatta! My boat works! Now when Ukyou has her farewell party today, I'll
be ready to take her away from that Sukai-kun! And they'll be no way for her to
escape! I've thought of everything! (A binoculars moves up to his eyes. He scans
around, and through the eyes, we see Ranma, Akane, and Sukai walking in the
park. Tsubasa gasps.) There's Ranma, Akane, and...that boy! Maybe if I can
hurry, I'll get there and capture them forcing Ukyou to come here!!!
(He pulls out some paddles, and starts paddling towards them. We pan over
towards the three of them. They are wearing jumper suits stating their
definitive sex. Akane's has the word "girl" on them in pink letters, Sukai has
the word, "boy" in blue letters and Ranma's has the word "both" on his in red
letters.)
Sukai: Are you sure this is the way to the Ukyou's party?
Akane: Yeah, right Ranma?
Ranma: I think so. All I saw her being worried about was whether Konstsu and
"C-chan" would stop loving each other.
Akane: Isn't there some kind of statutory rape laws?
Sukai: She's 27, he's 17. It's legal. Speaking of legal, did you notice that
strange boat floating towards us?
Ranma: Yeah, it's just Tsubasa. Nothin' to worry about?
Sukai: Worry about? Aren't you afraid that he'll kidnap us and make Ukyou come
over here?
Akane: Nah...something always happens to screw his plans up.
Azusa's voice (shouting): Oh, there you are my kawaii lover-boy!
Tsubasa (screaming, eyes bugging out): Lover-boy!!!
Ranma (to Akane): You know, you really know how to ruin a dramatic mood. (Akane
pounds him with her purse.) Ouch!
(Azusa runs out and runs over Ranma, Akane, & Sukai, pushing them into the pond.
Tsubasa looks with big, big eyes as she jumps up and lands on the disguised
boat. She bear-hugs Tsubasa.)
Tsubasa: {Must...get...away!}
Azusa: Oh, my sweet baboo!
Tsubasa: I'm not your baboo!
Azusa: Shucks, it works in Peanuts...
Tsubasa: What are you doing on me? {I *knew* I should have put an emergency
escape hatch in this disguise...I can't escape!}
Azusa: I want you to be my date at my parents' kawaii party!!!
Tsubasa: P-p-party? The Shitatori party?! B-b-but t-t-that's the biggest party
of the social year!
Azusa: Yes, thats right! And this is my first time to party, and (in a very
hyper voice) Iwantittobedonejustright! (Tsubasa starts to big-sweat.)
Tsubasa: {Yep, Mother told me there be days like this...or was it Dadda in a
dress?}
(Meanwhile, as Tsubasa vainly tries to escape the kawaii clutches of Azusa;
Akane is trying to tread water. Sukai is clining onto Ranma-chan.)
Akane (shouting): I can't swim!
Ranma-chan: Hold on, folks! I've got a hold of you, Akane. While we're in the
water, I suppose I could teach you how to float. (On the coast-line we see
P-chan walking towards the general direction of the Tendou Dojo. Suddenly, the
camera switches back to Ranma-chan. She sees the boat coming directly towards
them, but it's too late. The boat hits the three of them and they
s--l--o--w--l--y float down to the bottom of the pond, unconscious.)
P-chan (eyes-wide): BWEE! (P-chan dives in.)
(Inside P-chan's mind, we see a bunch of Ryougas looking at the monitoring
system.)
Ryouga 1: I've locked on to three targets.
Captain Ryouga: We'll have to get them all in one swoop!
Ryouga 1: But, sir...that's impossible!
Captain Ryouga (screaming): Are you questioning my orders?
Ryouga 1: Um...no?
Captain Ryouga: Good. Now, let's dive!
All of the other Ryougas: Aye, Aye, Cap'n Swine!
Captain Ryouga (muttering): For *once* I'd like to be called 'Captain Hibiki'...
Hibiki 2: We've dived...depth 5 meters. (Captain Hibiki takes a seat. He swilves
his chair to the navigation spot. Ray Charles is there.)
Captain Hibiki: ..... (Captain Hibiki blinks.)
Ray Charles: Well, who did you expect...Lina Inverse?
Captain Hibiki: ....
Habiki 1: Sir, we're at 15 meters!
Captain Hibiki: Acknowledged. Navigator, you're dismissed! In fact, you're
fired!
Ray Charles: Well, I guess it's back to commerical work with Pepsi...(He leaves.
Hibiki 2 takes Charles' spot.) Ensign, plot an intercept course to intercept
three objects at once!
Hibiki 2: Aye, aye, pig! (Captain Hibiki mutters something, then flips on his
intercomm system.)
Captain Hibiki: Bridge to Engineering...what's the status?
Scottish Hibiki: Cap'n...the ship can't take much wee more of this! I need more
powere! (Captain Hibiki face-faults.)
Captain Hibiki: Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!
Scottish Hibiki: But, ladde, I've been trying to tell ya, we don't have yer
torpedoes!!! (Everyone face-faults except Captain Hibiki.)
Captain Hibiki: Well, I don't care! Full speed ahead, even if you hafta destroy
the engines!
All of the other Ryougas: Aye, aye, Captain Swine!
Captain Hibiki: For the last time it's Hibiki!!!
All of the other Ryougas: Yes, Nabiki, ma'am! (Captain Hibiki face-faults. He
leaves. Comes back in wearing a white military suit.)
Hibiki 2: Um, where did you get that white suit? I never knew we had white suits
to wear.
Captain Hibiki: It's...um...um...nevermind that. (shouting into the intercom)
Faster! Faster! Kill, P-chan, Kill!!!
Hibiki 1: Shouldn't that be Kasumi?
Hibiki 2: I thought it was Pussycat...
Scottish Hibiki (on the intercomn): You oll blasted wrong! It's the slogun of
the Ranger Football Club!
Captain Hibiki: You know, I think I realize why I get lost too much...it's my
own damn imagination. (P-chan walks through holding up a sign reading, "What
gave you *that* idea???" Everyone in the room face-faults. Eventually, the
Captain wakes up, but the others don't. He checks a pulse of one of the other
Hibikis.)
Captain Hibiki: Dang...he's dead. They're all dead.
Dr. McCoy: He's dead, Ryouga.
Captain Hibiki: I-I-just said that. Hey, what are you doing here?
Dr. McCoy: I don't know...I'm a doctor, not a damn figment of your imagination!
(Captain Hibiki blinks, but by then the Doctor has vanished. He's all alone. He
looks around at the dead bodies.)
Captain Hibiki: Very well...I'll have to do this myself!
(We see P-chan swoope down and grab Ranma, Akane, & Sukai, and somehow dragging
all three of them to shore. Finally...P-chan falls over. Takes a really deep
breath. Inside...)
Captain Hibiki: Yes! I did! I did it all by myself! I haven't felt this
happy...happy...(He looks at himself. He smiles.) Happy...
(The image fades away in a white flash. P-chan wakes up. He rises and happily
bwees to himself. Then he jumps on each person and jumps on the stomaches,
pushing the water out of their lungs. Eventually, they cough and hack...)
P-chan: Bwee? (He looks up at Ranma-chan.)
Ranma-chan: (cough, cough) W-wh-what? P-chan...is that you?
Akane: Ryouga? H-h-he saved our lives!
Sukai: Well, I'll be...
Ranma-chan, Akane & Sukai (in a high voice): P-chan! (They hug the pig. He
quietly "bwees" for a moment.)
P-chan: Bwee?
Tsubasa (screaming): Someone help me! (Ranma-chan, Akane, & Sukai look up.
Tsubasa is getting bear-hugged to death by Azusa. Akane pets P-chan.)
Sukai: Don't you think we should help him?
Ukyou's voice: Not on your life, Sukai-chan! (Sukai turns around. Ukyou is there
on a boat, her hands in her pocket.)
Sukai: Ukyou! We thought...
Ukyou: I do have that farewell party, today, right?
Akane: Er...hai.
Ukyou: Well, I have everything I need on that boat back there, and I heard
Tsubasa scream for help, so I ran over here to see if I could drown him or
somethin'.
Ranma-chan: Well, judging by the company, I'd say that he'd prefer to be drowned
at this point. (Everyone turns to see Azusa madly kissing Tsubasa.)
Ukyou (smiling): Good. He deserves this.
Sukai: Um, Ucchan, are you sure about this? I mean, even someone like
Tsubasa...?
Ukyou: Dear, after what's he's done to me, this is the least he deserves.
Azusa: Oh, you are so kawaii dressed up like a French boat!
Tsubasa: This isn't a French boat! It's a dingy!
Azusa: Tsubasa! Stop insulting my intelligence?
Ranma (to the camera/audience): Is it just me, or did I find that not funny?
(Akane madly look at Ranma.)
Akane: Ranma!
Ranma: Gomen...
Sukai: Nevermind. So, why is Azusa after Tsubasa?
Azusa: I'm glad you asked! I'm going to my parent's party tonight for the first
time and I need a date!
Tsubasa: B-b-but why me? Why not that other guy? Your partner?
Azusa: He would kiss all of the other pretty girls and leave me all cutely
alone. I want someone with size, depth, girth!
Everyone else: Girth?
Azusa: Well, size does matter.
Tsubasa: Huh?
Azusa: I selected you after going through hundreds, if not thousands of pictures
of naked boys through the city! (All of the guys get big-eyed.)
All of the guys: You did *what*?!
Azusa: Most of them were so kawaii...especially their Peres! (The boys start to
big-sweat.)
Sukai: Pere?
Azusa: You know, that kawaii little thingy that sticks out their bodies and
sometimes curves upward! I do not know what they call those cute little fingers,
but I call it Pere. It's so kawaii! Especially their little bushes! (Everyone
else starts to blush.)
Akane: Um, Azusa, where did you get the pictures?
Azusa: I took some of the shots, but they mostly came from Tendou Nabiki.
Sukai: Nabiki...
Ranma (angrily shouting): She's gone too far!
Akane (looking a bit miffed): Yeah, there are something that were meant to be
kept private.
Ukyou (giggling): I agree. (quickly to Azusa) So, Azusa, how does my little
Suchan look naked?
Sukai: Ucchan!!!
Azusa: Pretty kawaii, if you ask me. I just which is Pere was just a little
bigger.
Sukai (blushing): Hey!!! That's none of your business!!
Akane: Oh, come on, brother. It couldn't be that bad.
Azusa: Did I mention I got vital statistics on every boy?
Akane (excited): Really? How does Ranma comes out? (Azusa hands Akane a file,
with Ranma's name on the top. Akane looks through the file & pictures, and
giggles.) Ranma! Yours is smaller than I thought!
Ranma (to Sukai): And she has the nerve to call me a pervert. (P-chan starts to
big-sweats.)
Azusa: Well, you're welcome to come to the party. I gave your sister the
tickets! (She looks at her kawaii timex watch.) Oh, darn. Come on, my petite
garcon, we are off to the bridal shoppe! I must get you a tuxedo!
Tsubasa: A t-t-tu-tuxedo! (screaming) NOooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! (He faints.
The boat tip over to the land.) (Mumbling) C-can't escape...stuck...
Azusa: Oh, dear. (Turns to Ukyou.) Can I borrow those kawaii spaultas of yours?
********
(Time passses. We see Ukyou looking around as Azusa pushes Tsubasa into a bridal
gown shop.)
Ukyou: Oh, I can't believe this is happening to me! (Sukai sits next to Ukyou.
He looks bored.)
Sukai: Ucchan...
Ukyou: Sukai, you don't understand! He's been harrassing me for years! And this
may be my only chance to get my revenge!
Sukai: And what do you plan to do?
Ukyou: I'm going to get them married! (Sukai blinks slowly.)
Sukai: You call that revenge?
Ukyou: Yes! (They see Tsubasa's dress push through into door.)
Sukai: You want to revenge a guy that dresses in drags?
Ukyou: He thought I was a guy!
Sukai: I can see why. You've never worn a dress ever, I bet.
Ukyou: Me? O-o-of course I have. (closing her eyes for a moment) It's just that
I don't find that necessary at the present time.
Azusa's voice: Tsubasa! What's wrong with wearing a cumberbund?
Ukyou: Come, on Sukchan! Let's see what's going on! (She drags Sukai to the
shop.)
Sukai: {Like I have a choice...}
(Meanwhile, at the Tendou Dojo, Nabiki comes in with a camera. Kuno looks up
from his Go game against Soun.)
Kuno: Pray, tell, oh schemish Nabiki, what art---(Nabiki pulls out a mallet and
hammers Kuno. He falls to the floor.)
Nabiki: Kuno, you must speak normal Japanese. If I am going to be a good
princess, you will have to speak normally.
Kuno: A princess? You? Ha! (Shower comes in.)
Shower: Kuno, my daughter is correct about your language. It is too flowery for
normal conversation.
Kuno: Too flowery!
Shower: Yes. Nabiki, could you find everyone else, please? We need to go.
Nabiki: Sorry. I don't even know where everyone is. Or even who everyone is.
(Quick cut to Akane and Ranma floating down the river with P-chan. We hear
banjos strumming.)
Ranma: Akane, next time you suggest we should have a romantic boat ride, remind
me to hit you.
Akane: Yeah, like that's gonna happen, baka. Now where are those banjos coming
from?
P-chan: Bwee?
Ranma: You're right, Ryouga. Let's get out of here... (Suddenly the banjo
players rush out from the thickets.)
Akane: Oh, no! It's an attack of fanboys and fangirls!
Ranma: H-h-how do you know?
Akane: It says it on their shirts, in English. (Ranma squints his eyes.)
Ranma: Right. (He gets into a defensive position. P-chan pulls out a fishing
pole.)
Akane: Ryouga, this no time to fish! (P-chan holds up a fish.) However, I am
hungry...
Fanboy 1: Oh, no! That means Nuku-Nuku'll be around!
Fangirl 1: No, you dope! She lives on the other side of town! This means that
cats will desend on Ranma! Neko-ken will set in!
Fanboy 2: Neko-ken? What about Neko-barbie? (The fan-boys & girls run away.)
P-chan (holding up a sign): [No one ever said that fan-people were smart...]
Fangirl 2: Hey! I represent that statement! (She runs away as well. All is
still, as the couple and pig continue to float down the river.)
Ranma: Well, that was interesting...
(We switch back to Nabiki talking to Shower.)
Nabiki: I have no idea where they went.
Shower: Surely you know where everyone is. You have all of those bugs.
Kuno: Not since our "engagement" (he shudders). She's been looking through
catalogs too much.
Nabiki: But, Kuno, darling! I must have the best things!
Kuno: Can't you appreciate the simple things?
Nabiki (to Shower): This from a man who flouts out poetry in iambicpentameter.
Kuno: Actually, it's a very complicated form of Japanese poetry and
Shakespearean poetry. Rhythm is the key to it all. Rhythm moves everything and
gives it a dance and a beat that one does not have before.
Nabiki (having that skeptical look): Uh, huh. Right. Maybe I should have married
Herb...
Kuno: But this will cost a fortune. My fortune!
Nabiki: Exactly. We need your two billion yen to pay for weddings.
Kuno: Weddings?!
Shower: Yes, we all are getting married.
Kuno: But it's my money!
Nabiki: That means you get to make the arraignments!
Kuno: But I don't know a thing about weddings!!! Besides, the last time I went
to a wedding, my ill sister ended up eating the bride's flowers!
Shower: Well, it's time to learn. Nabiki, take Kuno to the wedding shop.
Nabiki (starting to look nervous): Uh, isn't it traditional for the groom to not
see what the brides are going to wear until the day of the wedding?
Shower: Who cares?
Nabiki: Who cares! I do!
Shower: You think he cares? (She points to Kuno. Kuno looks nervous.)
Nabiki (squinting): Hmm...good point. Okay, Kuno-baby, let's go. (They leave.)
Shower: Soun, darling? We need to go! (Soun comes in carrying a whole heck of
luggage.)
Soun: Soun-chan, what are you doing?
Soun: I'm sending the luggage out today, dear. By the time we leave they should
be on their fifth airplane flight, which means they should arrive just as we do.
Shower: Good idea. (They leave.)
(Ranma and Akane take P-chan to Akari's place. Akari hugs the pig and P-chan
waves good-bye to the couple. We then switch to Sukai and Ukyou, who are in the
store. Tsubasa shakes at the site of these tuxedos.)
Azusa: Now, Tsubasa-chan, why won't you wear a tuxedo?
Tsubasa: I h-h-hate 'em! My older brother died in a tuxedo!
Azusa: How could he die?
Tsubasa: His girlfriend shot and killed him when she caught him with another
girl.
Azusa: B-b-but what did that have to do with a tuxedo?
Tsubasa: She beat me up before my brother arrived, and I was wearing a tuxedo
too! (Azusa shakes her head.)
Azusa: Listen, Tsubasa. You'd better go in there and wear this tuxedo, or else,
I show these pictures on the internet! For free! (Tsubasa blushes.)
Tsubasa: Well... (Azusa sighs and grabs a tuxedo, and throws it and Tsubasa into
a changing room, and shuts the door. Azusa rubs her hands.)
Azusa: Now...Miss lady? I would like to see something kawaii in a formal dress.
Clerk: I don't have anything cute, but I do have these set of killer outfits.
Azusa looks at the rhinestone-studded dresses, while Sukai and Ukyou spy on them
disguised as two maniquin wearing puke-green bridesmaid outfits.)
Sukai (whispering): Man, that dress looks like they were ripped out of a disco
ball! And this one makes me sick! If my adopted father ever saw me looking like
this, he'd kill me.
Ukyou (whispering): Sukai! This is no time for a dress review. We've got to get
Azusa to go into the same dressing room as Tsubasa! (Sukai turns to Ukyou.)
Sukai: We've? We've? Why we?
Ukyou: Well, who else is gonna do it? (A bell rings. Nabiki and Kuno comes in.)
Kuno: Truly, I loathe the day that I enter such a cursed place as this!
Nabiki (aiming a fist at Kuno's face): Kuno-chan, keep this up, and I'll make
sure you become a new cursed spring. (Nabiki looks around and sees Ukyou &
Sukai.) Hey, onichan, Ukyou. What are you doing here?
Sukai: Ucchan has this crazy idea that she could get Tsubasa and Azusa to fall
in love.
Ukyou: Azusa wants to take ---
Nabiki: --- Tsubasa to her parent's ball. I know, she told me about this last
week. I have the tickets.
Sukai: Nabiki, why did you take pictures of me naked?!?!
Kuno: Naked? Is the Mistress of perversion have no bounds?! (Nabiki smiled. She
hands Kuno a manila folder.)
Nabiki: Here's your file, Kuno-baby.
Kuno: What?! You took uncompromising pictures of me naked?!
Nabiki: Do you always practice your watermelon techniques naked?
Kuno: Only when Sasuke hasn't finished cleaning my gi.
Nabiki: Speaking of gi, after this, I've got to take you to the mall, and get
you some real clothes. Suits, ties, pants, boxers, and the sort. If you're going
to look like an idiot, I want to make it obvious. (Sukai giggles.)
Azusa: Well, I want to try out these outfits. (She drags to the counter five
dresses that could only be described as "easy access" type dresses from the
80's.)
Clerk: Go right ahead. All of the dressing rooms are unlocked. (Azusa lifts the
dresses and takes them to a dressing room. Tsubasa looks mortified that Azusa is
in the same dressing room that he's in. He's hasn't put on his tuxedo; he's
still in his traditional kawaii dress. Azusa closes the door. Tsubasa lets out a
horrific girlish scream.)
Sukai: Well, I guess that took care of that.
Ukyou: Still, we've got to make sure that Tsubasa falls in love with Azusa! If
we don't he'll harass us for years to come!
Sukai: Ucchan, that is not something you can do. Only he can determine if he
really loves Azusa or not. It would be like if our parents forced us together or
if this was some sort of marriage by convience. All of us must ultimately decide
whom do we truly love. (There is a silence as both couples look at each other.)
Nabiki: {Do I admit that my little brother has a point? I mean, Kuno is nice,
but am I seeing solely for the money?}
Kuno: {Forsoothe, I can speak as I verily can without the morbid trepidation of
being smacked by that wretched demoness!}
Shower's voice: However, I can smack you when you get back, son-in-law.
Kuno's voice: What? What art thou doing in my head?!
Shower's voice: Eh, I'm a telepath. It's a gift.
Kuno's voice: Alas, even in my thoughts I can't win!
Shower's voice: You got that right. (Kuno face-faults.)
Ukyou: {Could it be that Succhan's right about this? Tsubasa has been earnestly
wanting after me for many years now...nah...}
Sukai: {Great, now I hafta eat my own words...Ucchan is very beautiful
through...} (Sukai sighs.)
Sukai & Ukyou: Okay, you have a point. (Their eyes get big and they start to
blush.)
Kuno: Nabiki, could you examine my scaple and see if there's a nerve implant in
there?
Nabiki: Sorry, Kuno-baby. Besides, that would imply I had something to do with
that.And, you are a heavy sleeper.
Kuno: Heavy sleeper?
Nabiki: Yes, I was able to strip you naked and take a lot of pix of you last
night. You didn't even stir. (Kuno blinks.)
Kuno: This is not starting out to be a type of marriage that can last.
Nabiki: Well, not until I've properly train you to be the perfect husband. (Kuno
starts to cry.)
(Suddenly there's another scream of excitement coming from the dressing room.)
Tsubasa's voice: Azusa, there's really no reason to tighten that cumberbund that
tightly...
Azusa's voice: Oops! Forgot to wear your pants...I wish I could play with your
kawaii looking ---
Tsubasa's voice: Stop! Don't even go down there! I wonder how Mikado ever could
stand you?
Azusa's voice: You know, I never asked.
Ukyou: Someone has got to get them together, and I guess it's up to
me...hmm...wait a minute...(Ukyou leaves. Sukai, Nabiki, and Kuno follow.)
(We switch over to Ranma and Akane who return home.)
Akane: Hello, we're home!
Ranma: Hmm...no one seems to be here.
Akane: Well, good. Geeze, I think Shower has cleaned the entire place out.
Ranma: That probably means she's already packed up our stuff.
(Kasumi and Dr. Tofu appear.)
Kasumi: Oh, hello, Ranma! Akane! Did you get any mushrooms? (Ranma & Akane slap
themselves.)
Akane: Rats. We forgot all about those mushrooms. (Kasumi looks in the kitchen.
It's completely bare.)
Kasumi: Um, where did the kitchen go?
Akane: I think Mother stripped everything from the place.
Kasumi (sighing): Well, she was very through.
Dr. Tofu: Well...maybe we should go to my place then?
Kasumi: No, it's probably blown up by now...I suppose we should head to the
airport and find Mother.
(Everyone leaves.)
(Meanwhile, at the Nekohaten, we find Shampoo and Mousse watching movers move
their stuff into a moving van.)
Mousse: {Okay, now what are we going to do with the magical herbs and potions?}
Shampoo: {Well, we could take them with us on the plane or dump them in the
sewer.}
Mousse: {Are you crazy? Who knows what'll happen if we do that!}
Shampoo: {Hmm...the Underworld will become these ferocious monsters that goes on
panty raids?}
Mousse: {That would be the least of our worries.} (Ukyou, Sukai, Nabiki & Kuno
enter.)
Shampoo: Hello!
Ukyou: Hello, Shampoo. I see that you've packed up.
Shampoo: Yes.
Ukyou: Say, I need your help. Would you still have all of that passion spice
stuff?
Sukai (looking at the audience): Oh, boy...
Ukyou (looking back at Sukai): What?
Nabiki: Don't you think sprinkling passion spice on the two of them would
be...cliche?
Ukyou: But, it's the best thing I can come up with!
Shampoo: Besides, it should work. They're not main characters anyway.
Mousse: Um, if we have any left.
Shampoo: We do, Mousse. I label all of them this afternoon.
Mousse: Y-y-you did?
Shampoo: Yes. How many did you want.
Ukyou: Everything you've got. (Mousse pulls Shampoo away a bit.)
Mousse: {Are you sure you want to do this?}
Shampoo: {Well, it does solve our problem of storage for the spells. If we let
her use it all, then we won't have to worry about it ever again.}
Mousse: {Okay, you're the boss.} (Shampoo smiles.)
Shampoo: {As it should be.} (They return to the group.)
Nabiki: So...what did you decide?
Mousse: Okay, Ukyou. Come with us and get whatever you want. (Ukyou smiles,
while Nabiki, Sukai and Kuno shrug at each other.)
Kuno: Does she think this will really work?
Nabiki: I don't know, Takewaki. I'd give it 3-2 odds it will through...
Sukai: This is rediculous. How does anyone know that this will work?
Nabiki: It's worked before.
Kuno: Of course. Naturally, most of the time, Ranma finds some way to put a
spell on...
Nabiki: Kuno, how many times do I have to tell you, Ranma is not a sorceror!
Kuno: How about a Wizard?
Nabiki: Not even that? The only thing he can do is change sex!
Kuno (pointing a finger in the air): Clearly the most effective spell Saotome
has in his arsenal.
Nabiki (groaning, putting her head in her hands): Maybe I should have asked for
Tarou...
Sukai: Good question, onichan, what were you thinking when you decided that you
wanted to marry Kuno?
Nabiki: Brother, I was thinking about his money.
(Ukyou returns with all of the potions. Shampoo & Mousse follow behind her.)
Ukyou: Come on, folks, we're going to play matchmaker.
Nabiki: You know, usually I play matchmaker.
Ukyou: Yeah, you usually match you to yen. Not a bad combination, I'll admit.
But today, it's my turn.
Nabiki: Why?
Ukyou: We've got to finish this soon.
Sukai: Good reason.
***********************************************
(Ranma & Akane walk towards the airport.)
Ranma: Say, why are we walking towards the airport. It's a good twenty-five
kilometres from here?
Akane: Because taxis in this city are for the galgins and we've missed the last
bus to the airport.
Ranma: Oh.
Akane: You know, I'm going to miss Ryouga.
Ranma: Yeah. He's great.
Akane: Great? After what he's done to us? (Ranma calmly hugs Akane.)
Ranma: Well, he did so, but he never really harmed us. Really.
Akane: At least that's true.
(They pass by a house.)
Ranma: Interesting house.
Akane: Looks strange. The sign looks strange.
Ranma: Hmm...you don't suppose...(Gosunkurgi comes out.)
Gosunkurgi: A-a-akane! Ranma! What are you doing here at my house?
Akane: We were, uh, returning Ryouga to Akari.
Gosunkurgi: Ah...the must explain her request to come over and cast a lust spell
over the entire house. (Ranma & Akane pikus.) Apparently, she wants children
because it doubles as a fertility spell.
Ranma (mumbling): Hmm, she wants a whole herd of piglets.
Akane: Ranma! (She slaps Ranma.)
Ranma: Akane, don't be so shocked. She is a country girl after all.
Akane: And what would *you* know about country girls, huh Ranma?
Ranma: Please. I know more about being a girl that you do know. All of the
priming, the combing, and I know why girls take longer to dress than guys do.
Akane: Oh, yeah? Why is that?
Gosunkurgi: Because girls don't know when to stop evaluating themselves?
Ranma & Akane: How do you know?! (They look at each other.)
Gosunkurgi: I used to be a girl in a past life. (Ranma & Akane look at each
other, then slowly back away.)
Akane: Um, we've got to go. It's been nice knowing you.
Gosunkurgi: Say...I've got a gift for both you. Two good-luck charms. They only
work when both of you touch each other. Oh, yes, they are living charms, so
you'll have to feed them. (He hands both of them two mokonas. Then he squeezes
Ranma & Akane together. Suddenly, a huge anvil falls on Gosunkurgi.) (Croaking)
See? (He collaspes.)
Ranma: I think he's dead.
Akane: That makes, what seven characters that have died in this series?
Ranma: Eight, if you count the audience. However, these...charms are pretty
cute.
Akane: Yeah, at least Gosunkurgi did leave us with a nice present.
Mokonas: Pu! (Their ears wiggle. Ranma & Akane head to the airport.)
************************
(We return to the Bridal Shoppe. We see Tsubasa looking very angry as he's
wearing a tuxedo and Azusa is wearing a neon-blue 80's dress that basically
says, "The Barn's Open and My Folks Don't Care.")
Tsubasa: Azusa, this is rediculous! I should be out there finding my Ukyou and
freeing her from that psudo-boy Sukai! Heck, that's not even his real name!
Azusa: Well...this calls for heavy artiliary. (She pulls out a huge chart
showing her personal portfolio.) This is my personal portfolio. As you can see,
I own everything and anything that involves cute. That's a total sum of 15.8
billion yen worth of items of cuteness. My most important possession is the 10%
stock in Mattel. (Tsubasa looks at the graphs. Azusa turns to the next page.)
And this is my earning potential. Notice the dramatic 350% increase in sales in
the next fifteen years. It's good to have a Daddy that's a billionaire.
Tsubasa: A b-b-billionaire? I thought the Kunos were the only rich people in
Nerima.
Azusa: Rich? Heck, we own them. They think they're rich, except we're the ones
that own everything that they think they own. (Suddenly she glances at the door.
Ukyou, Sukai, Nabiki, Kuno, Shampoo, & Mousse look at them, jaws a flappin'.)
Kuno: I-I-It's a wretched lie! A foul, untrue lie! I'll fight it in court!
Azusa (sternly): You should take a look at your will, Kuno. (Nabiki grabs Kuno's
will and reads it.)
Tsubasa: W-w-well...I mean...(Azusa flips to the next page. There is a bunch of
children's faces that look sorta like Azusa and sorta like Tsubasa.)
Azusa: And here's what our children might look like. I've taken the liberty of
considering your genetic makeup...and I still love you dispite the fact that
your parents obviously were diving in the shallow end of the gene pool. (Tsubasa
pikus. Nabiki pulls out a magnifying glass.)
Nabiki (reading): "And if the Kunos ever discover the source of their wealth,
mainly the Shiratori family, then they will become the Shiratori's personal
slaves. Also, they lose everything they've earned in this will." (Nabiki grabs
Kuno by the collar of his gi and shakes him really hard.)
Ukyou: Oh, boy. I've never seen Nabiki look this mad.
Sukai: Hmm...Akane told me there was one other time when she lost everything on
the Nikkei average...
Nabiki (Demon-head mode on): Takewaki Kuno, why don't you ever do anything
right?! Didn't you read the fine print when you signed this will?
Kuno: I thought it was apart of the nice border background to the will. It made
it look rather distinguished. Um, you're not mad at me, Tendou?
Nabiki (Demon-head mode on): I'm furious, Takewaki! Your stupidity cost us two
billion yen!!! (Nabiki shakes Kuno. He tries to free himself from Nabiki, but
bumps into Ukyou, and all of the passion spices spills onto Nabiki & Kuno. They
stop fighting and start to really get it going.)
Shampoo (to Sukai): See, brother? Spices do work.
Sukai: Yeah, just not on the right people. (Ukyou looks disappointed. Tsubasa
notices this.)
Tsubasa: Y-y-you know...I really like what you've done here.
Azusa: Really?
Tsubasa: Yeah. The colors are so kawaii looking and I love how you mixed and
matched the fonts to a very nice contrast. (He holds Azusa's hand. Ukyou starts
to cry.)
Ukyou: (Sniff...sniff) It's so lovely! (She leans her head on Sukai, even
through she's taller than he is.)
Sukai (sigh): I guess marriage is right around the corner. (Sukai rolls his eyes
such that Ukyou doesn't notice.)
Mousse: There's an airport right next to a chapel. (Everyone turns and looks at
Mousse.) Wait, that didn't come out right...
Tsubasa: Hey! Just because I said I liked what she's done here doesn't mean that
I'll marry her! (Azusa perks up on the last part.)
Azusa: You will?! (She hugs Tsubasa.) Let's go! (She grabs Tsubasa and runs
towards the airport. Shampoo & Mousse follow while Sukai & Ukyou takes the still
tongue-tied couple of Nabiki & Kuno on a stretcher.)
**************
(We switch to the Tokyo International Airport. We see Soun, Shower, Kasumi, Dr.
Tofu, Ranma & Akane there waiting for everyone else.)
Ranma: Where is everyone else?
Shower: How should I know?
Akane: You read Kuno's mind.
Shower: Oh, yes. Ah, here they come now.
(Azusa comes in dragging a bawling Tsubasa with her.)
Azusa: Tsubasa-chan and I are getting married right now! (Ukyou, Sukai, Shampoo,
Mousse come in carrying Kuno and Nabiki, who are naked and doing it right there
and then. Kasumi & Akane turn pale.)
Kasumi: Nabiki!
Akane: Not in public!
Shower (dryly): Gee, I hope the press isn't here.
Azusa: Well, come on! If we don't get married now, Tsubasa'll get away!
Ranma: Um, should we go? (Ukyou smacks Ranma to the wall.)
Ukyou (rasping): You will if you value your life.
Ranma (big-sweating): O-o-okay Ucchan. We've got time.
***********
(Finally, we get to the wedding scene. Azusa is at the top of the aisle. She
wears a radiant kawaii pink wedding dress/kimono while the bridesmaids are
wearing Pika-chu styled dresses. (Don't make me describe them.) As the
bridesmaids start to come down, we focus at the alter. There, we see Tsubasa
wearing a white bride's dress/kimono, crying. Konastu holds him tightly with
chains.
Tsubasa (to the audience): I always cry at weddings.
Everyone else: We know.
(A buddist monk comes out.)
Monk: Now, here we are...um, I thought this was suppose to be a straight
wedding.
Azusa: It is. (She points to Tsubasa.) Tsubasa's a guy.
Monk: Oh. One of those cross-dressers. Anyway, given that both parties are here,
if anyone objects speak now, or no soup for you. (Everyone glances at Ukyou,
she's glowing an aura so bright, Sukai has to wear shades.)
Sukai: Ucchan, dear, would you stop that? I'm going to toast any moment. (A
spring pops from the chair he's sitting and a ding sound is heard. He looks at
his burned self.) Great, does anyone have any butter?
Monk: Okay, then, Tsubasa do you wanna marry this girl?
Tsubasa: Well...(He glances over at Ukyou.) 
Tsubasa's voice: Yes! Yes! Yes! (Tsubasa's eyes get really big as he knows he
didn't answer.)
Monk: Great.
Tsubasa: Wait a minute! (The Monk, and everyone else, ignores Tsubasa. He turns
to Azusa.)
Monk: And Azusa, do you wish to marry Tsubasa?
Azusa: Yes! I do!
Monk: Great. Then you're married.
Azusa: Wai! (She bear-hugs Tsubasa.)
Tsubasa: Wait! I didn't answer! That wasn't my voice! Really! It's a fraud!
(Ukyou smiles as she twirls a recorder and a microphone. Sukai looks at Ukyou
suspiciously.)
Monk: Well, then. You may kiss the bride. (Azusa jerks Tsubasa and starts to
kiss him in a kawaii kind of way. As everyone stands and applauds the effort,
Ranma turns to Akane.)
Ranma: Akane, is this how Ellen get married? (Akane glares at Ranma before she
starts to beat him up with her fist.)
**************
I really would love your opinon of this episode, since it took a lot longer than
I thought it would. (I agonized over a lot of things, including how to make it
not-so-over-the-top.) Next up is the final installment of "Oh, Brother!" I know,
you're probably relieved, but I don't like dragging series any longer than
necessary, and I think eight is enough. (I hated that show.) All I can say about
it is that it will involve music videos, old enemies, monty python sketches, one
hundred and one ways to use a dead panda, and other fun stuff.
Oh, and if anyone ask, no I wasn't smoking anything. However, my
cooking...that's another story.
	--- Andrew