[Ranma/SM][Fanfic][Lime] Jerry Springer Show - "Cross-dressing
Hermaphrodites and the Men and Women who Love Them"
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Jerry Springer Show
"Cross-dressing Hermaphrodites and the Men and Women who Love Them"
Ranma 1/2 characters/situations created and copyright by Rumiko
Takahashi/Shogakukan/Kitty/Fuji/Viz - Used without permission
Sailor Moon characters/situations created and copyright by Naoko
Takeuchi and various companies which I'm too lazy to look up - Used
without permission
Jerry Springer Show created by Jerry Springer and other sleazy Hollywood
types-Used without permission
Jerry Springer created by his parents-Used up
Jerry Springer Show - "Cross-dressing Hermaphrodites and the Men and
Women who Love Them" story created, written, and Copyright 1998-1999
by Jim Lazar - Portions written and/or suggested by Jed Bidwell
E-mail comments or criticisms to: mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net
My other FanFiction can be found at:
http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime
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This story contains at least the same amount of sex, violence, and
personal insults as the real Jerry Springer Show.
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[Transcript of Jerry Springer Show Number 666, First Aired May 13th,
1999]
[OPENING]
JERRY: [Standing in front of audience.] Today we have several people
who are both male and female. This has caused them some problems with
relationships. They have various male and female admirers, in fact one
of our hermaphrodites actually has gotten itself engaged to several
different women.
BOY-RANMA: [OFF-STAGE] I'm a guy! Not an 'IT'.
JERRY: [Ignoring the interruption.] Some of them have accepted their
dual genders, but some choose to fight it. Now let's bring out our first
hermaphrodite. Its name is Ranma Saotome. [Gestures to doorway.]
[BOY-RANMA enters, looking embarrassed to be there.]
JERRY: [Standing in audience.] Now, Ranma, you don't look like half a
girl. You look male to me.
BOY-RANMA: That's because I am a guy! [Rips open his red Chinese shirt
to reveal his masculine chest.] See?!
[Several women in the audience faint from the sight of Ranma's chest and
other make catcalls. Ranma blushes.]
JERRY: Fine then, but why are you here then?
BOY-RANMA: Good question. [He gets up to leave.]
[Several big, stupid looking, bald guys run up and pull Ranma back to
his chair.]
TOUGHDUDE#1: [Whispering.] You signed a contract, so shut up and follow
the script.
BOY-RANMA: [Muttering.] Last time I sign anything that Nabiki hands me.
JERRY: Let me help our audience understand.
[JERRY walks closer to Ranma and pulls out a gun and shoots BOY-RANMA
right in the chest. The audience screams in panic, until they realize
that it's a water pistol. Then they gasp in astonishment as they see
BOY-RANMA transform into GIRL-RANMA.]
GIRL-RANMA: Whatcha do that for?
JERRY: Ratings mostly.
GIRL-RANMA: Jackass.
JERRY: Such language from such a pretty girl.
GIRL-RANMA: I'm a guy.
JERRY: You're a hermaphrodite, or at the very least an aquatransexual,
live with it.
GIRL-RAMNA: You live with it!
JERRY: [Ignoring Ranma's last comment.] Now you said you were a male,
right?
GIRL-RANMA: Yes and I still am! This curse I got just changes my body,
not who I am.
JERRY: Very well. Now then, how has this affected your life?
GIRL-RANMA: It hasn't, I'm still the same guy I've always been.
JERRY: You used to have guys chasing after you before you got cursed?
GIRL-RANMA: Well...no.
JERRY: Let me bring out our next guest. His name is Tatewaki Kuno.
[GIRL-RANMA shutters as KUNO walks in carrying a bundle of roses. He
tries to give them to GIRL-RANMA, but she shoves them back in his face
and spits on him.]
GIRL-RANMA: Leave me alone, you jerk!
KUNO: Oh, but I can't. My heart longs for you and to slip my loving
tongue into your deep recesses.
[Several audience members make gagging noises. KUNO sits down next to
GIRL-RANMA, who slides away from him.]
JERRY: Tatewaki, you love Ranma here, correct?
KUNO: Please...call me Blue Thunder, or Kuno if you must.
JERRY: Okay, KUNO, you love Ranma here, correct?
KUNO: That I do! My heart pounds to be with her and my lovely Akane
Tendo.
[More retching sounds from audience.]
JERRY: We'll get to Akane Tendo in a little bit. You do realize that
Ranma is a guy, or at least claims to be?
GIRL-RANMA: [Yells.] I AM A GUY!!
KUNO: It is but a spell placed on my pig-tailed goddess by the sorcerer
Saotome.
[Snickers are heard from the audience.]
JERRY: Okay, so you deny that Ranma here is not the same Ranma who is a
boy?
KUNO: Yes, that is so.
[An audience member gets Jerry's attention by jumping up and down and
letting her breasts bounce. Jerry homes in on her and puts the
microphone to her mouth, hoping to put something else to her mouth after
the show.]
WOMAN#1: You got to give up on this freak...
GIRL-RANMA: [Shouting.] HEY!!!
WOMAN#1: ...and marry that normal girl. What's her name... Acne?
GIRL-RANMA: No way! He can't do that!
JERRY: And why is that Ranma?
GIRL-RANMA: [Awkwardly.] Well...she's sort of my fiancee...
JERRY: One of three fiancees isn't she?
[There is an outbreak of booing and hissing from the audience members.]
MAN#1: [Standing up.] Womanizer!
GIRL-RANMA: [Glaring into audience.] Shut up, Ryoga!
JERRY: Well?
GIRL-RANMA: Well sort of...but I never asked for any of them.
JERRY: Let's bring Akane Tendo out now. [He motions at the door.]
[AKANE comes out, looking angry and carrying a hot kettle. KUNO attempts
to glomp her, so she kicks him into the air. KUNO crashes into the
overhead lights, briefly lighting up like a Tim Allen Christmas tree,
and then falls to the ground. Dazed and still smoking, Kuno pulls
himself into his chair by GIRL-RANMA'S side. AKANE sits down on
GIRL-RANMA'S other side and pours the hot water over GIRL-RANMA, who
turns back into BOY-RANMA. The audience members all murmur in surprise
again.]
JERRY: Now, Akane, you are engaged to Ranma here?
AKANE: Sort of... it was our parent's idea.
JERRY: So you don't want to marry her, Akane?
BOY-RANMA: I'm a guy!
AKANE: Well...
KUNO: [Still smoking.] No she doesn't! She wishes to date with me!
JERRY: Kuno, I thought you wanted the 'pig-tailed girl'.
KUNO: Yes, but who am I to deprive Akane of my company as well?
[The audience boos and hisses.]
WOMAN#2: Womanizer!
KUNO: Quiet you heathens! Or I shall smite thee!
[Kuno pulls out a wooden sword and advances on the audience. He is
tackled by the big stupid ugly guys, dragged back to his seat, and
scolded with a finger. Remembering the script, Kuno sat quietly until
his next cue.]
JERRY: Ranma, how does it feel to be loved by both a boy and a girl?
AKANE: Who said I loved him?
BOY-RANMA: I hate it! I never asked for this curse, or the fiancees!
JERRY: Don't you like any of your fiancees?
BOY-RANMA: No. [He glances at AKANE.]
[There are murmurs of disagreement from the audience.]
JERRY: What do you think audience? Do you think Ranma here likes Akane?
MOST AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes!
WOMAN#3: Just marry that fine gal already!
BOY-RANMA: Shut up, Pop! [BOY-RANMA throws a potted plant at the woman,
who runs out after her wig is knocked off.]
JERRY: Okay...now you are also engaged to Mr. Kuno's sister. Correct?
[The audience members all boo and hiss.]
BOY-RANMA: [Yelling.] She's not a fiancee! She's a crazy f<<BEEP>>ing
bi<<BEEP>>h!!!
JERRY: I believe the politically correct term would be 'mentally
imbalanced sexually liberated female dog'.
BOY-RANMA: I like my term better.
[The audience seems to agree.]
JERRY: Well, let's bring out Kodachi Kuno. [He raises his hand towards
the door.]
[KODACHI comes in, dressed in a green leotard. She tries to pull KUNO
out of his chair, but he stands his ground...or sits his chair.]
JERRY: Thank you for dressing up, Ms. Kuno.
[Kodachi then whips out a ribbon out of her green leotard, a blue dot
covering her lower body as she does it, to hide the exposure of her
hiding place from the viewing public. More retching sounds form the
audience as well as a single gunshot from someone who just wasn't able
to handle the horror of seeing that. She whips the ribbon at Akane's
head. BOY-RANMA intercepts the ribbon and yanks it away from KODACHI.
The big muscle-bound morons didn't even register the attack before
BOY-RANMA disarmed her.]
JERRY: Now then, you love Ranma?
KODACHI: Yes, I love my darling Ranma!
JERRY: Even though he is half girl?
KODACHI: That other girl is not my Ranma!
JERRY: [Using squirt gun on BOY-RANMA again.] He looks like a girl to
me.
GIRL-RANMA: Cut that out!!!
KODACHI: It's some spell that awful girl has on my darling Ranma!
GIRL-RANMA: [Speaking to JERRY.] The insanity runs in the family.
JERRY: [Nodding thoughtfully.] I see that.
AKANE: [Leaning over to BOY-RANMA and whispering.] Thank you.
JERRY: Akane, you seemed glad that Ranma helped you there. I though you
didn't like him?
AKANE: Well, I never said I didn't LIKE him...it's just...I'm just
grateful he stopped the ribbon.
JERRY: So you consider him a man?
AKANE: Yes, of course.
JERRY: [JERRY strolls up and rips open GIRL-RANMA'S shirt.] But he has
breasts. [Points at the breasts, which are covered by a distortion
effect.]
GIRL-RANMA: Cut that out already!
MAN#2: [Standing up and shouting.] And real big bouncy ones too!!!!
JERRY: Get that animator out of the audience!!!
[More big stupid looking bald guys pull the man out of the audience.]
AKANE: Well... yeah, but only half the time.
JERRY: Doesn't it make you angry that your fiancee has bigger breasts
than you?
GIRL-RANMA: Uh-oh...
[AKANE jumps to her feet, a hammer appearing her hands. She runs over
and mallets JERRY into the studio floor.]
JERRY: [From within floor.] We'll be right back. [Passes out.]
[COMMERCIALS]
[As the commercials end, a slow motion replay shows AKANE'S malleting of
JERRY. Before the mallet appeared in her hand, a fast little pig is seen
running into the studio and handing the mallet to her, then zooming out
again. Then AKANE malleted JERRY into the floor.]
[Camera focuses on JERRY, who is battered, bruised, and sporting a
lemon-sized lump on his head. We see him mouth, 'Un-cute, sexless
tomboy.' He realizes he's back on the air, and clears his throat.]
JERRY: Welcome back. Well, Ranma and Akane have departed to get married
on the Ricky Lake show, so now lets move to our next guests.
RANMA: [Off screen] I'm not going to marry this un-cute... urk!
JERRY: [Pausing briefly at the interruption.] Please welcome Malachite
and Zoicite. [He gestures at the side door and two people walk out. One
with white hair and the other with long flowing red hair.]
MALACHITE: [Sitting down.] Thank you, Jerry.
ZOICITE: [Nodding and smiling at Jerry, who gulps loudly.] It's nice to
be here.
JERRY: Okay, Zoicite, please tell us your tale.
ZOICITE: Well, Jerry, it's the oddest thing. I am a male...
JERRY: [Interrupting.] Not this again.
[JERRY walks up to ZOICITE and tears open her uniform like shirt,
revealing a pair of small breasts. The audience breaks out into catcalls
and whistles. Unfortunately for the home audience, the breasts in
question are covered by a distortion effect.]
JERRY: You look female to me. [JERRY squats down to hide something that
had appeared in his pants.]
ZOICITE: [Pulling her shirt closed.] Well, I am now. It's the strangest
thing, Jerry, whenever I come to North America I turn into a woman. In
Japan and the rest of the world, I'm a man.
MALACHITE: I was quite surprised when we found this out when we were
having sex in the lavatory while flying into America once. [ZOICITE
blushes.] I mean one minute I had his d<<beep>> in my a<<beep>> and as
we flew over the international border... *POOF*! It's gone and in its
place my c<<beep>> is in his... err... her vagina.
ZOICITE: It was very disgusting. Just having breasts and vagina are bad
enough, but to... [She shudders.]
RANMA: [Off screen] Tell me about it!
JERRY: [Glancing over at where RANMA is.] Oh, so you've had sex with a
man in your female form?
[Handheld camera shows RANMA backstage with AKANE standing next to him.]
RANMA: [Going pale.] No! Of course not! I'm saving myself for Akane!
AKANE: [Blushes while looking awkwardly at RANMA.] Ranma?
SOUN: [Appearing out of nowhere.] Oh, happy day!!
GENMA: [Appearing out of somewhere right next to nowhere.] Quick, Tendo,
let's get them to the Ricky Lake show before she gets cancelled!
[GENMA and SOUN push RANMA and AKANE out the stage door. Camera shot
returns to JERRY on the stage.]
JERRY: Okay... um... so do you have any proof that you are really a guy
outside of America?
ZOICITE: Yes, I brought a picture of me taken in front of the Tokyo
tower. [She holds up a picture of her standing in front of the Tokyo
tower, but she is very obviously male in the picture.
[The audience gasps in surprise at the nude picture of the male ZOICITE.
The home audience just sees a very long distorted area.]
MAN#3: Hey! That's the Eiffel Tower in Paris!!
JERRY: [Ignoring the man from the audience, he gulps loudly.] Err...
thank you for sharing that with us. [Turning to camera.] I should point
out to our audience that our experts have verified that the photo is
genuine and that a team of doctors have examined Miss... err... Mr...
err... this freak in both America and Japan to prove their claims.
ZOICITE: Who are you calling a freak?! [She stands up in anger, causing
her ripped shirt to open.]
MALACHITE: How dare you insult the man I love! [He ruins his noble
declaration by pointing at ZOICITE'S exposed breasts.]
JERRY: [Looking at the big, stupid, bald guys.] Get them guys, we
haven't had a good fight yet...
[MALACHITE and ZOICITE laugh as the big guys surround them. Suddenly,
they whip out some crystals and beams of dark energy reduce the big guys
to ashes.]
JERRY: [Softly to himself.] Shit, not again. [Looks at ZOICITE.] Um...
I'm really sorry MISTER Zoicite. It was the director's idea to say
that... honest!
[ZOICITE looks over at the wimpy director and blasts him. Dust drifts to
the floor where he once stood.]
ZOICITE: [Chuckling and striking a cute girl pose.] I guess I'll forgive
you.
JERRY: [Sweatdrops.] We'll be right back. [Pauses.] Thank God! Now I
don't have to put up with that asshole anymore. I can ask any question I
want to. [He starts laughing.] If only that group of high school
cheerleaders from yesterday were still here. I really wanted to know
their measurements. [Starts to drool.]
STAGEHAND: Um... we're still on the air, Jerry.
[JERRY stops laughing and runs over to the director's board to cut to
commercial.]
[COMMERCIALS]
JERRY: Our next guest says it's a hermaphrodite and proud of it. It says
it met its lover after it was beaten in an alley, and stole him away
from a bunch of super-powered girls. Let's welcome... OSCAR!!
[OSCAR, a short-haired, fat person of indeterminate sex, comes out onto
the stage wearing a goofy smile and takes a seat. Some serious gasps of
astonishment and boos come from some of the audience members, as well as
many FFML members. Some of the audience members get up to leave after
deciding they didn't want to see how this one was a female, but the
replacement big, stupid-looking guys--that Jerry picked up at the gay
bar around the corner during the commercial break--cast death glares in
their direction and they retreated back to their chairs.]
JERRY: Now, Oscar, you stole your lover from a bunch of... super-powered
girls wearing sailor outfits?
OSCAR: Thatsrightjerry.
JERRY: What?
OSCAR: Isaidthasritejeree!
JERRY: God dammit, your grammar IS horrible. Anyway, let's meet your new
lover...ARTEMIS!
[Camera pans to the door, and we hear scratching behind it. One of the
big, stupid-looking guys walks over and opens it. A white cat bolts
through, and hops into the chair opposite OSCAR. Sounds of laughter,
confusion, and retching come from the audience. ZOICITE and MALACHITE
look oddly at the 'couple'. JERRY stands there scratching his head.]
JERRY: WHAT THE F<<beep>>K!
OSCAR: This is my lover, Artemis.
[Now, everyone in the audience is vigorously barfing.]
MALACHITE: [Leaning over and whispering to ZOICITE] And he called US
freaks.
ZOICITE: [Nodding head.] Yeah. [Frowns suddenly.] That cat looks
familiar, have you seen it before? [MALACHITE shakes his head.]
JERRY: Are you sure you two are not scheduled for tomorrow's show?
[OSCAR shakes his head.] Boy, am I glad I skipped the buffet before this
show. Let's take some questions.
[JERRY goes over to a balding man who looks a lot like Freud.]
MAN#3: Yes, I'm psychotherapist. Oscar, here's my card...feel free to
call me anytime.
[JERRY goes to an older woman.]
WOMAN#4: I'm a grammar and speech therapist. If you want any help...
[JERRY goes then to a young, shapely blonde in the audience.]
WOMAN#5: NOW!!
[Four women, including the shapely blonde, in the audience suddenly
stand up and strike a pose. On stage, Oscar stands up and rips off his
face, which tuns out to be a mask. Sailor Moon starts to get out of the
large and cumbersome disguise she was wearing.]
[Everyone watching the show is treated to an unbelievably long
magical-girl anime style transformation scene, complete with distortion
effects to cover the naughty bits. Or what the censor thought might be
naughty bits. Having never seen a real naked woman, he assumed that all
women had smooth featureless breasts and absolutely nothing between
their legs.]
MERCURY: I am Sailor Mercury! [She does a little wiggle then stands in
an awkward bent knee pose.]
VENUS: I am Sailor Venus! [She strikes a sexy hand on hip, other hand in
air pose.]
MARS: I am Sailor Mars! [She bats her eyelashes and strikes a pose that
causes a bulge in JERRY's pants.]
JUPITER: I am Sailor Jupiter! [She strikes another sexy pose then gets
an odd look on her face. She leans over to MARS.] That was odd. Did your
skin seem to sparkle more than normal and your curves disappear when we
transformed too?
MARS: [Nodding.] Yes. Odd, it did seem different than when we transform
in Japan.
VENUS: [Joining the conversation.] At least our smooth featureless
breasts were unaffected.
MARS: Thank god. Did you see that redhead before and the weird nipples
on her?
JUPITER: Yes, it must be because she's a hermaphrodite. No normal woman
has nipples.
MERCURY: Um, guys? The enemy?"
VENUS/MARS/JUPITOR: Oh, right!
[While the girls had their little gabfest, Serena had been getting out
of her disguise. And not doing a very good job of it. After she tripped
when she pulled the pants off, she tried to make up for it for doing a
fancy pose.]
SAILOR MOON: And I am... [Realizes she pulled her fuku and panties off
while getting out of the disguise.] Oops. [Pulls fuku and panties up.
Unfortunately for the home audience, everything interesting was covered
by a distortion effect.] Sailor Moon! [She is blushing deeply.] And we
are here to punish the bad guys in the name of the Moon!
[For some reason, MALACHITE and ZOICITE did not move to escape or attack
during the long time that the Sailors were transforming. Once it was
finished, they stood up and struck an evil pose.]
MALACHITE: The Sailor Soldiers! [He pulls out his crystal and starts
firing dark energy blasts. Most of the blasts hit harmlessly against the
walls or ceiling, but some hit audience members, reducing them to
ashes.]
ZOICITE: [Laughing.] Now we must destroy you. [Uses her crystal to try
to zap the Sailor Soldiers, but misses.]
[The Sailor Soldiers all jump around to avoid the blasts, not noticing
that some of the blasts are hitting the audience members and reducing
them to ashes.]
[After half of the audience has been reduced to ashes, the Sailor
Soldiers all try their attacks on MALACHITE and ZOICITE. All fail.]
SAILOR MOON: Stand back guys! This is a job for Sailor Moon! [She whips
out a crescent wand and starts to twirl it around in a ridiculously
elaborate way.] Moon... Healing.... Activation!
[Before MALACHITE and ZOICITE are hit, they pull JERRY in front of them
and he takes the blast.]
MALACHITE: Damn, you Sailor Moon! We'll be back. [He and ZOICITE flee
from the studio.]
[For some reason, the Sailor Soldiers do not pursue them.]
SAILOR MOON: Damn, he got away.
MARS: Well, we'll get them next time.
MERCURY: Let's go!
JULPITER: It thought for sure this plan would allow us to trap those
two.
VENUS: It would have, if *I* was the one in the Oscar suit!
MOON: It's not my fault!
[The five Sailor Soldiers and ARTEMIS all leave by the back door,
bickering all the way.]
[A blackened JERRY stands, wobbly and holding a ruined microphone.]
JERRY: We'll.....be.....riiiiiiiight...........................back.
[JERRY loses consciousness as paramedics arrive with the fire
department,
and the national guard.]
[COMMERCIALS]
ANNOUNCER: [VOICE ONLY] On the next Jerry Springer Show: Farm animals
and the women they love.
JERRY: Forget it! The studio is in ruins and all my big stupid guys are
dead! I quit! I'm going to go do infomercials just like all the other
washed up stars!
[END]
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Author's notes and ramblings:
Any mistakes and botched characters are my fault. Well Jerry Springer
isn't my fault, he's just botched naturally.
My thanks to Jed Bidwell for suggesting and writing parts of the
Oscar/Artemis segment. Oscar is a name/character that occasional popped
up in FFML MST3Ks. Jed's segment also led me to thinking up the Sailor
Moon Zoicite segment, which then led to a re-write of the ending.
Some of the Sailor Moon jokes are based on differences between the
original Japanese version and the US version. For instance, in the
Japanese version Zoicite is a man. Therefore, the joke about her
changing to a woman when coming to America presented itself. Also, in
the US version the sparkle effects of the transformations was
intensified (at least to my eye it looks like the sparkle effects were
more pronounced in the US version to try and make the skin look less
like skin) and some 'feminine' curves were removed in the Sailor
transformation sequences.
I'd like to thank my pre-readers Thomas C. Kinnen, EBJ, Johan Holmberg,
and David Johnston for helping me find and fix problems with this story.
FFML members Michael A. Chase and Jed idwellwere also helpful in fine
tuning this story. Thank you all.
Revision 0.0 - Random writing (nothing better to do) - June 1, 1998
Revision 0.1 - FFML Post (not complete) - November 6, 1998
Revision 0.2 - Co-author\Pre-reader draft - April 24, 1999
Revision 0.4 - FFML Post 2 (with SM segments) - April 29, 1999
Revision 1.0 - Final Version - May 13, 1999
-=-
Jim Lazar
E-Mail - mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net
FanFiction - http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime
-=-
Ranko leaned in and kissed Ukyo again. Mostly she wanted to know if
the same feeling was there again. It was.
At this moment, being the worse possible moment for them to do so,
Ranma and Akane came into the restaurant looking for Ranko. They found
her, but neither of them expected to find her like this.
"What the hell are you doing with my fiancee!" Akane shouted.
-=-
Excerpt from Childhood of a Modern Dynasty Chapter 5