El Hazard is brought over to North America by Pioneer. Ranma 1/2 is
done so by Viz. I have absolutely no rights to either. This is, I must
admit, a non-profit production, if you please.


                    The Hazards of Being Ranma



    "Who would've thought that there was some ancient ruins beneath
Furinkan, eh Hiroshi?" Daisuke asked, standing over the hole in the
ground which apparently led to said ruins.

    "Yeah, I heard Kuno found 'em; I'm not sure if I can believe that
one."

    "I heard Ranma pounded Kuno, and Kuno went through the floor and
into the ruins."

    "I can believe that."

    The two friends nodded and walked away.


                        ***

    The sun was going down, the moon out, and the beautiful sunset at
Furinkan high school marred only by a group of students... and a few of
their friends (although I use the term loosely-- both students and
friends, now that I think of it).
    Ranma was busily running, not for some training, but because he did
not want Kodachi to catch him, who did her usual ribbon and leotard
thing (it's a fashion statement-- not necessarily a good fashion
statement, but one nonetheless). Kodachi was not the only one after
Ranma, we also had the three stooges, Larry, Curly and Mo-- wrong set
of stooges. Sorry, I meant to say that we had Ryouga, Mousse, and
Tatewaki also gunning for Ranma (not literally, of course. They might
use weapons, but not guns). They followed shortly behind Kodachi.
    There was another trio who were there, but not, strangely enough,
chasing Ranma. Ukyou, Shampoo and Akane were also at the school. Akane,
who was in the library doing some studying (a how-to book for cooking,
I believe), was oblivious to what was going on with Ranma (who was
originally waiting for Akane to finish when accosted by the others).
Ukyou and Shampoo were in the midst of a staring match (a martial arts
one, of course) that had been going on for about two hours now. By now
their eyes were quite probably too dry to allow them to blink, so it
would be a good bet that the match would be going on for a much longer
time.
    Not a usual day, exactly, but nothing that was surprising in any
way so far, either. What was surprising was something that did not
happen, even though it did. 
    It did not happen, because for something to happen, time must have
passed, and yet what it was that (did and did not) occur was that time
stopped. Most people would, of course, not notice time stopping
because, well, how could they, being trapped in the frozen time? Ranma,
for some reason, was an exception. He did not notice at first, and kept
on running away from the crowd behind him. 
    Gradually, Ranma did notice. He noticed that he was no longer being
followed. He noticed the absolute quiet and stillness that never
permeated the Tokyo air. Going back and looking for the others, he
found them in mid-stride, frozen solid. Ranma shrugged, it was not his
fault and if it got them off of his back then so much the better.

    As he walked away, Ranma heard something; it could have been the
wind, except there was none. It could be someone's voice, except there
was no one around to call him. Whatever it was, it wanted him to go to
the ruins. Ranma shrugged, without the losers after him, he could take
the time and do a little exploring. Who knows? There might even be some
cool training scrolls there or something.

                            ***

    The artwork in the ruins had an interesting motif. Large,
unblinking eyes, often engulfed by geometric (sometimes simple,
sometimes complex) shapes and patterns. One such pattern was on the
floor where Ranma walked.
    Strands of liquid light shot up from the floor in a circular
pattern as Ranma stood in the centre of the diagram on the floor. The
light clung to him, sticking to his arms like strands of a spider's web
as he tried to get out.
    A grinding of gears, a hissing of pneumatics or hydraulics, and a
sarcophagus in front of Ranma opened. A woman stood inside it,
seemingly asleep. She grasped a polearm of some sort with one hand;
some sort of axe-blade was affixed to the end of it, although the edge
of the blade was think and dull, not to mention the circuitry that
seemed to be showing in parts. The haft of the weapon was also unusual,
having a corkscrew-like design along the end third of its length.
    The woman with her pale, pale hair and similar complexion opened
her eyes, her sad, sad eyes which as soon as they focused on Ranma
broke out into rapturous joy. Her clothes were finely made, though
somewhat tattered from age. The pale blue stockings ended around her
ankles in small tears. A veil was pulled back, revealing her
heart-shaped face. Stern black coat with tails and silver trim was open
in the front, showing her shirt and a generous amount of cleavage of
which even Shampoo could be proud of the amount.

    The woman staggered forward, and caught herself on Ranma, wrapping
her arms around his neck. She looked up to him and said, voice full of
longing and joy, "Ranma? Is it really you? I have waited millennia for
you."

    "Do I know you?" Ranma whispered. "Am I engaged to you?" he uttered
his worst fear.

    "Don't you recognise me? I have carried memory of you in my heart
for ten thousand years." The woman slumped further into Ranma. "Time is
short, and my powers have weakened with the passage of time. I must
send you now to El Hazard."

    The woman closed her eyes and Ranma could feel her begin to build
power. "Go now. I know you will not fail, Ranma."

    Time started again, minus a certain few teenagers who were near or
at Furinkan High.

                                ***

    Ranma awoke, somewhat predictably, female and in a pool of water.
The pool, small, was in a glade, also small, surrounded by dense and
alien foliage. Ranma could almost hear a faint thrumming, more memory
than experience-- a ghost sound, ephemeral and unreal. The thrumming
was quickly replaced by the infinitely more real and immediate sound of
a rustling bush behind Ranma.

    Ryouga appeared from the rustling bush, bearing two stone tablets
with ten commandme-- scratch that. He emerged from the bushes mad,
accidentally imitating a charging boar he once stopped before on his
was to Ranma and Furinkan. Ryouga managed to stop himself millimeters
away from plunging into the pool, hovering on the edge of the water for
an interminable period of time. 

    "Hey, P-chan. Whatcha doin'?" asked Ranma, a mocking laugh just
barely concealed in his voice.

    Before Ryouga could reply they both heard a piercing female scream.
Their rivalry momentarily forgotten, the two young men rushed towards
the sound with only one word on their lips and in their thoughts.
"Akane!"

    The scream, however, did not emanate from Akane. Instead, they
found a voluptuous light blonde woman, dressed in what could only be
described as belly-dancer attire. Ryouga's nose exploded in blood on
sight. The woman was on the ground, seemingly unconscious.
    Ranma looked over at Ryouga with a disgusted frown. Ranma sighed
and went to the woman to see if he could help. Some insignificant
sound, some strange smell, some sense of danger a martial artist of
Ranma's calibre gets warned Ranma. He looked up and saw bugs. Not just
any old bugs, mind you. Big ones, bigger than anything insect or
insectoid that had ever existed on Earth. 
    The bugs were faster and stronger than humans, and their carapaces
made them tougher as well. These insects knew this; very likely the
woman on the ground knew this as well-- unfortunately for the bugs,
they all neglected to tell Ranma this. Ryouga was, of course, useless--
rendered so by a lack of consciousness due to massive blood loss
through the nose.
    Ranma cut through the bugs like a scythe through stalks of corn;
piles of the unconscious creatures littered the ground. At some unknown
signal, the still conscious ones raised their antennae and picked up
their wounded, leaving the glade. Ryouga took this moment to return to
the wonderful world of wakefulness, just in time to see the bugs leave.

    "Nice of you to wake up now, pig," Ranma remarked in his usual
off-handed fashion, noting Ryouga's return. Ranma offered Ryouga a hand
to pull himself up-- a hand which was denied.

    "Fatora, you're safe!" 

    Ranma turned around, to see the woman now awake and standing,
smiling and beaming with joy. 

    "What did you do with your hair, though? You had us so worried!"
She ran to Ranma, who became the recipient of a warm hug. 

    Ranma froze up, face in a mask of horror.

    "Miss, you have the wrong person," Ryouga supplied, for some
unknown reason helping Ranma out of his (or in this case, her)
predicament. 

    The woman stood back and looked fitfully between Ranma and Ryouga.
"What do you mean?"

    Ranma bowed. "I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this."

    Other people, men, dressed straight out of some tale by
Shaherazade, came, hurrying into the glade behind the woman. The
tallest one, who wore a turban and a beard and was obviously the leader
of the men since the others seemed to be in some form of uniform, just
stared at Ranma. "Remarkable," he muttered to himself. 

    "Well, you don't look like ya need our help anymore, ma'am, so
we'll just be going, I guess. We gotta get back to th' school and find
Akane an' 'em, right, Ryouga?"

    "I don't think we're on Earth right now, Ranma," Ryouga quietly
replied.

    "Nonsense! You must come with us! I will accept no other response
for the two warriors who saved our princess, Rune Venus. You must come
with us to the palace for a feast in your honour," said the man in the
turban.

    "This is Londs, our seneschal," Rune Venus introduced the leader of
the other men.

    "Ranma Saotome," Ranma said and bowed deeply.

    "Ryouga Hibiki," Ryouga announced and also bowed deeply.

    "I s'pose we can stay a bit, eh, Ryouga? I mean, wouldn't be
p'lite, otherwise, right?" Ranma said.

    "Of course, have to be polite," Ryouga absently responded, trying
hard not to look at Rune Venus in her rather revealing attire-- looking
to the sky instead in an effort to keep his blood from escaping via his
nose.

    "Do you have any hot water?" Ranma asked off-handedly.

    "On the ship, we can get you some there," Londs answered. "Why do
you require it?"

    "You ain't gonna believe me unless ya see it," Ranma said with a
smirk.

    Ranma was right-- they did not believe it when he returned to his
natural shape after pouring the hot water over himself.

    "Remarkable!" Londs cried out.

    "How... different. Is this normal for people to be able to do that
where you come from?" Rune Venus asked in a disconcerted, but polite,
tone.

    "No, not at all," Ryouga said.

    "Well, I dunno, actually. I mean, there's me, my dad, Shampoo,
Mousse, Pantyhose, Rouge (as Ashura), y--" Ranma said, only to be cut
off by Ryouga.

    "All right! All right! So there's a lot of us that are cursed!
That's not what I meant and you know it, Ranma!" Ryouga shouted.
Turning to Rune Venus, Ryouga continued on in a calmer voice. "It's a
curse, you see. Cold water triggers it, hot water returns us back to
normal."

    "Oh? What do you turn into?" asked Londs.

    Ryouga mumbled a response.

    "What was that? I did not hear," Londs said, politely.

    "I'd rather not say, if you don't mind," Ryouga replied,
embarassed. 

    "Why not?" Rune Venus asked, somewhat oblivious or indifferent to
Ryouga's discomfort.

    "It is... embarassing," Ryouga said after a moment of reflection.

    "Then we shall speak no more of it, if it discomforts you so,"
spoke Londs, magnanimously.

    The rest of the trip to the palace occurred in relative silence.
The flying ship made its way gracefully towards the capital, a series
of towers and buildings capped with fanciful domes and clinging
foliage.

    "Doctor Schtalubaugh might be able to help you. He knows many
things and heads the Royal Library. He might know of a way to get you
home," Londs told Ranma and Ryouga. They nodded eagerly.

    Doctor Schtalubaugh turned out to be an old man with a long beard
and sagging face which spoke of a sober wisdom and patience. Ryoga and
Ranma were ushered into a room filled with shelves upon shelves of
books where the old man was, sitting at a table in the center of the
room flipping through one.

    "So you say that this woman apparently sent you to El Hazard?" the
good doctor asked, a pile of opened books higher than he was at one
side.

    Ranma nodded.

    "I am sorry, but I do not know of this woman or what her connection
to El Hazard is. Such a power, not even the greatest of the ancient
demon-gods had the ability to transport people from one dimension to
another," Schtalubaugh apologised.

    "So you're saying that...," Ranma said.

    "I am saying that there is nothing in these books that could help
you return to your home, nor do I know of anything that could help,
myself."

    Ranma and Ryouga slumped their heads in defeat.

    "But perhaps we can find something if you stay. There might be
something or someone I can find who might know more." Schtalubaugh
hummed to himself, going through the possibilities.


                                ***

    Kodachi and her brother, Tatewaki, looked around. The foliage was
extremely odd-- somewhere between grotesque and beautiful in its
twisting gigantism. There was a strange rustling sound coming from all
around them-- the natives were obviously restless, but of course no
match for the Kuno siblings.

    Tatewaki looked around. "I know not where we are, but this can only
be the work of that foul sorceror, Saotome! Curse you, fiend!" he
shouted, shaking his bokken at the sky. 

    Kodachi cuffed her brother on the back of his head. "You will not
talk that way about my Ranma! It is obviously the fault of one or more
of those wenches chasing after him! Oh! We must rescue him from their
clutches!" Kodachi nearly swooned; nearly, because her brother would
not appreciate the drama if she did, and she did not want to fall into
the dirt on the ground.

    The aforementioned natives took this moment to come out into the
opening. Large, strong-looking bipedal instectoids of varying shapes--
Bugrom. Kodachi sighed and unravelled her ribbon. No one and nothing
would keep her from her rightful place at Ranma's side.

    Tatewaki noted the demon-spawned creatures and immediately went
into a battle-stance. "You shall not keep me from my destiny, Saotome!
Not you nor your minions!" he shouted.

    The Bugrom stood there, then, after a moment, bowed.


                                ***


    Rune Venus stood in the open room, back to the door and looking at
a large frieze. Londs was there as well. Ranma, Ryouga and Dr.
Schtalubaugh came through the door.
    The room itself was large and airy, with vaulting ceilings and
arches and pillars and domed, all in polished white marble that had
grey and black and gold veins running through it. Clinging vines, green
with leaves and gravid with large, heady blooms wrapped their way
around the pillars, along the balcony and the juncture where the
ceiling met the walls. The flora wrapped around and framed the large
picture the princess was looking at. A shining sun provided the light,
which was more than sufficient to brighten the room.

    "You may wonder why I called you here," Rune Venus started off,
turning around to face Ranma and Ryouga. "I have an entirely selfish
favour to ask of you."

    Ryouga noticed the image in the painting for the first time. Two
women there, dressed regally in long, flowing robes. One of them was
Rune Venus, and the other, somewhat smaller and younger lookin was,
"Hey Ranma, lookit that!" Ryouga pointed to the painting, elbowing
Ranma to get his attention. "Looks almost exactly like your girl-form,
except for the hair colour!"

    Ranma noticed the painting. "Hey, yeah. Freaky, isn't it?"

    Rune Venus coughed. "My sister, Fatora."

    Ranma nodded. "I can see why you'd mistake me for your sister
then."

    "Yes, well," the princess swept on, despite the interruption. "My
sister is missing. I was going to consult the seer when you found and
rescued me."

    Ranma and Ryouga nodded.

    Londs continued Venus' tale. "The alliance is a fractious group,
held together only by the threat of the Bugrom and the Bugrom held only
in check by the Eye of God," his eyes immediately swept up and out to
look at what first appeared to the two teenaged martial artists as a
moon, "which can only be used by two princesses, of royal blood."

    Rune Venus nodded. "If it were to get out that my sister is
missing, the chaos that resulted would bring ruin upon us."

    "No problem," Ranma said easily. "We won't tell anyone she's
missing, right, Ryouga?" Ryouga nodded.

    Londs frowned. Dr. Schtalubaugh did more than that, shouting out a
reply. "You idiot! Can't you see that she's asking you to impersonate
her sister until we can find Fatora? You're the only one who can,
Ranma!"

    Ranma was taken aback by the sudden outburst of the good doctor's.
"Hey, ain't no way I'm gonna dress up an' pretend ta be some princess,
you got that?"

    And so shortly after that, Ranma and Ryouga found themselves in a
deep, dark, dank cell. 

    "This is all your fault, Ranma!" Ryouga cried out. The echo in the
cell was very impressive-- very interesting accoustics.


                                ***


    Tatewaki and his sister Kodachi strode proudly through a large,
vaulting and organic looking hall. No absolute straight lines-- it the
building looked more grown than built. All openings, windows high up
and balconies and doorways seemed to have a hexagonal design. The
lighting was dim, and rather orange, making the dark colours of the
building material seem even darker. This made absolutely no impact on
the Kuno siblings, who were on a mission-- a mission of love.
    The hallway ended, becoming a large, round, open arena-sized throne
room. At the very end of said throne room, there was a crystalline
couch, and someone or something lounging on it. Said being stood up,
revealing translucent wings and a black carapace, covering certain
parts of her anatomy-- it is uncertain as to whether or not these are
natural growths or clothing, though with the high-heeled thigh-highs,
it is assumed to be clothing.

    "I am Diva, ruler of the Bugrom empire!" the now-standing being
announced proudly.

    "I am Tatewaki Kuno, the undefeated Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!"
Tatewaki said just as proudly, and just as forcefully.

    Kodachi laughed her laugh. Diva did not flinch in the slightest.
"And I," she said, "am Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose of St. Hebereke!"

    Diva was suitably impressed. "Are you the ones prophesied to lead
us to glory and victory?"

    Glory and victory? But the Kunos were on a mission for love. Of
course, glory and victory would undoubtably impress their loves, and
crush any opposition. "Yes!" they cried as one. "Yes, that is us
indeed! Glory and victory! We shall overcome our hated enemies!"

    Tatewaki continued, "They shall scatter before our might! We shall
be like the waves of the sea, implacable and unresting!"

    The cheering of the Bugrom resounded through the throne room and
throughout the palace.


                                ***


    Ranma was busy getting her hair dyed by some pretty but essentially
faceless female servants who were quietly chatting with each other.

    "It'll never work," one said to another.

    "What made you decide to do it, Ranma?" Ryouga asked, then smiled
slyly as he continued on. "Feel like a makeover, do you?"

    Londs, Schtalubaugh and Rune Venus were also in the room-- an open,
airy affair with grass instead of carpeting. There was, of course, a
kind of sink-- looking somewhat like an ornate birdbath actually, where
Ranma had her head over, as the servants wrapped her body in ceremonial
robes and finished dying her hair.

    "Shut up, pig. I figgered it's the only way t'get back. We need
their help, and they won't help us unless I do this, right?"

    Ryouga was once again amazed by Ranma's cognitive abilities--
mainly by their existence. Made sense, however, so he did not say
anything further.

    Another man entered the room. Long, pale hair. Thin, mild and
somewhat effeminate. Leggings, similar to what Ukyo usually wore, and
gold anklets as well. The very soul of mildness. "Well, princess
Fatora. I have not seen you for a few days, where have you been,
especially with what just happened to Rune?"

    "My sister was ill, Gallus," Rune Venus replied.

    "I am sorry to hear that. If I had known, I would have brought
medicine."

    Londs spoke up, interjecting, "This is supposed to be only the
royal family here, Lord Gallus. Final preparations for the meeting, you
see."

    "Surely," Gallus said, turning towards Rune Venus, "you can make an
exception for you betrothed? After all, we are getting married soon,
are we not, love?"

    Londs shook his head and escorted Gallus out of the room. Ranma let
out a deep breath.

    "I don't like him," Schtalubaugh said petulantly. 

    "That will be enough of that, Dr. Sctalubaugh," Rune reprimanded.
"We do what we must do, for the people," she said as if from rote.

    "Well, I still don't like him," the old doctor grumbled.


                                ***

    The council meeting was a close call as well. Perhaps somebody
should have better briefed Ranma on what to do-- for instance, been a
little more explicit in the directions of not-talking. About half way
through the meeting, the other Alliance members wanting a gesture of
some sort from the princesses, wanted to know what they were going to
do about the Bugrom.

    "Very well," Rune Venus announced. "My sister shall go visit the
sages of Mount Muldoon, to unseal the Eye of God."

    Ranma, of course, picked that moment to speak up. "Sure, no prob!"
she said eagerly. "I'll see the old guys and be back in no time!"

    "Old... guys?" one of the council-- a middle-aged woman in an
incarnadine sari and olive skin said.

    "I thought they were all female," another council member-- an old
man, remarked.

    "Er...," Ranma stalled. "Well, it's just been so long since I saw
them that I forgot." Ranma tittered nervously.

    Ryouga hung his head down in shame, shaking it futilely, from time
to time.

    "Already been?" the same old council member asked.

    Fortunately, Londs was a fairly bright man, as well as being a
quick thinker. "We would not deceive you," he announced to the members,
sliding irritated glances at Ranma all the while. "In preparation for
this meeting, princess Fatora has consulted with the priestesses."

    The same old man shouted joyfully, "I see! What a wonderful
masterstroke! With planning such as this, the Alliance will be safe!"

    Much clapping and good feeling ensued, which did much for
ameliorating Londs' state and hostility towards Ranma.


                            ***

    Ukyo sighed. The desert was very, very hot, and her company was
making an already unpleasant experience even more unpleasant.

    "There's a tent over there, Shampoo my love," Mousse pointed at
something extremely far away and unseeable by anyone else. "A man's
there, selling things. Looks like there might be water in some of the
jugs and barrels."

    Ukyo sighed. Mousse didn't need glasses anymore, and in fact had
the best sight out of all of them now. This did not go over too well
with Shampoo, whom before at least was able to share Mousse's obsession
with her when he mistook someone else for her. Not so now.

    Akane shook her head. "Well, let's go then. Water would be a good
idea, and maybe we can find Ranma." Ranma had to be here somewhere, and
he'd get them out of this. Always has before, anyway.

    "Probably his fault in the first place, though since I'm with
Shampoo and I can see perfectly it isn't all bad," even Mousse had to
admit.

    They made their way towards the distant man and his shop, several
of them wishing they had some of that water right now to shup Mousse
and his protestations of love up.


                            ***


    Ranma sighed as she slid into the bed which was by far more
comfortable than what she was used to. There was a hot cup of tea on
the nightstand, but all Ranma wanted to do was sleep and let this
nightmare end. "Don' wanna be a girl, much less a princess," he
mumbled.

    Another girl, however, had other plans. Up from her hiding spot
against the wall she crept, he eyes focusing on one target-- and that
was person in the bed: Ranma. She paced silently, and moved onto the
bed with practised ease. "Fatora, my love," she sighed lustily. "Your
Alielle has missed you."

    Ranma missed all this, mind you, being in a state of deep sleep.
The woman caressed Ranma's sleeping form: Ranma slept on. She started
to undo the bindings of Ranma's clothes: again Ranma was oblivious. She
squeezed Ranma's right breast: Ranma woke up quickly, screaming and
flailing about madly.
    The wildly moving arms had the unintended effect of knocking over
the cup of (still plenty warm) tea onto Ranma, changing a she back into
a he.
    The woman, Alielle, who was busily getting her hand into Ranma's
pants, noted an extra something there that should not have been, giving
a couple of extra squeezes just to be sure. She looked into Ranma's
eyes, who had momentarily stopped screaming as she had the family
jewels in her hand. She looked deep, deep into his eyes-- and began
screaming herself.
    Ranma joined her.



Author's notes: Well, I dare what has been tried before, but never
successfully completed-- the dread Ranma/El Hazard combination.
Truthfully, I've had the idea for a long, long time, and every once in
a while I go back and add a bit to it-- but lately I just seemed to
want to do it. Actually, I had/have two ways it could work, this way
and another, more complete fusion, which I may eventually do but is
doubtful.
    The real genesis for the story was Ranma impersonating Fatora (as
Makoto does), and well-- Ura. Right. 'nuff said. ^^
    Powers? Yes, of course there are going to be differences. You
already have seen this a little bit. Different personalities, different
desires, et cetera, will result in different abilities, yes? I've got
that all planned out....
    Differences between this and the El Hazard OAV series will, of
matter of course, crop up, as this crop of Earthlings will react
differently than Makoto and co. eh?
    C&C is of course something very nice. I will make this compact with
you now, however, regardless of whether or not I get C&C-- it is
basically the same compact I make every time I post a part of a fic:
that I will finish it... eventually, at least. This, of course means that
I have not forgotten any of my other projects, merely that I am adding yet
another to the list. I'm figuring it will end up being either a 7 part (7
OAVs, after all), or 4 part (on 4 tapes, don't ye know) series. 


Matthew Lewis is:
	Matt on IRC
	Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
	maybeso@ican.net
	a casualty of causality
	experimenting with a webpage at:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/9345/index.html
__________________________________________________

My mind is like a vacuum-- nature abhors it.
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