Fair warning... this might be a wee bit silly.  
especially near the 
end.  I don't know WHAT I was thinking...

	Right-o.  No problem.

	kenko

<snip>

	Oh, sunbathing was something easy, of course.  That was the teal
and gold-chain bikini.  If she wanted to sunbathe she'd just change
in one of the change booths that dotted the beach. She intended to
swim first, which mwant one of the one-pieces.  But which one?

	meant

<snip>

	"Konatsu-chan, hurry!  We want to get a good spot at the-- oh my
GOD.  I knew you crossdressed, but..."

	"I don't look right, Ukyo-sama?"

	"You... you look great.  That's what's scary.  Well, come on..."

	I could SEE this in a canon episode.  Oh, man, this is funny stuff!

	####

	"Brother, Speedos and a bokken don't go together."

	"..."

	<blink blink>

	AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!

	That's a terrifying thought!
<snip>

	So the Nekohanten crowd set up to one side and the Ucchan's duo
set up to the other.  And Ranma began to sweat.  Not from the heat,
either.

	"Whoa-- look at that!"

	"Yeah, THREE more babes!"

	Three?

	Well, to the naked eye, yes.

	I think this should be 'uninformed' instead of naked... None of the
Nerima crowd (except Mousse and Tofu) need vision correction, so... ;)

<snip>

	It should be understood that there was one major difference
between Konatsu and Tsubasa, the crossdresser kings-- or was that
queens?-- of Japan.  Tsubasa only dressed like a girl because he was
convinced that Ukyo liked it.  Konatsu, on the other hand, had been
raised as a girl, held a self image as a girl, and likely would have
happily lept in the Nyannichuan if the opportunity had ever presented
itself.

	leapt

<snip>

	"Thanks, Sham-chan", giggled Ranma, deciding to go into full
kawaii-as-a-bucket-of-plush-toys mode.  "Mom picked it out."

	Ack!  Sugar overload!  Must. Get. Away.  <thud>


<snip>

	That's when Cologne decided to take off her robes and appear in
HER swimsuit.  

	The author refuses to describe this one because the image of
Cologne in a swimsuit is too hideous for even HE to envision.  You
should all be very thankful for that.

	The pack of boys suddenly passed out.

	They weren't as lucky as YOU, Honored Readers.

	Oh. My. God!  ROTFLMAO x10!

	You keep this up you're gonna get sued for laughter-induced heart
attacks, you know! ;)


<snip>
<snip>

	"That may change," frowned Akane.  "I think that pack 
of admirers
has someone in it who's getting up the courage to talk to someone.
And guess who I think it is?"

	Trust Akane to have the most sensitive boy-radar. ;)

<snip>

	Back the pack, Koji blurted "We don't want anything to do with
those girls.  They're from Nerima.  My cousin Hiroshi goes to
Funrinkan High there, and I just recognised some of the descriptions.

	Furinkan

And they are ALL lethal martial artists who are known not to like
being asked out on dates."

<snip>

	Before Ranma could react, Happosai managed to grope Ukyo, fondle
Shampoo, glomp Akane, and dash away at incredible speed-- pausing
only for a wuick squeeze on Nabiki.  For a moment the party froze,
and then--

	quick

<snip>

	"Um... what is it for?"

	"The punishment of the unholy and perverse.'

	"So... either Happosai or Ryo.  Figures.  I think I may have
something special..."

	<blink>  Ryo?  Ryo... where have I heard that name before...

	OH NO!

	You are EVIL!  Isn't one lech enough for ya?

	At least it wasn't Ataru... ;)

<snip>

	And Mousse, who had improvised with a large quantity of smaller
mallets tied to mylon cords in his sleeves.

	
	nylon


<snip>

	(This MIGHT hurt a bit,) thought Happosai.

	Actually, that was remarkably precient of him.

	prescient

<snip>

	"Actually, it's very simple," Cologne said, smirking at the
chained pervert in the corner, who was still babbling in confusion.
"Although Ranma's body is female, his inner self is primarily male.
True, there is male and female-- yin and yang, if you will-- in all
persons, but Ranma is an essentially male soul with female
overtones."

	This is hilarious, it works with established 'facts', and it's well
written.  The only problem I have is with Cologne... Shouldn't she be
referring to Ranma as son-in-law?  Unless something has changed. ;)

<snip>

	Akane watched nervously as Ranma fairly caressed her new toy.  A
mallet.  A mallet with a titanium-graphite shaft, leather grips, and
teak head with brass reinforcing bands.  And, ironically, on each
side of the head, and engraved stallion, rearing.

	"You know, if he only knew..." chuckled Ranma.  "It's
personalised."

	"Personalised?"

	"Yeah, a wild horse on the sides."
	
	"Oh.  A Ran-Mallet."

	Ranma groaned.  Even P-chan, in Akane's arms, gave a pained
squeal.

	Ok, look here you.  If you keep these puns up, we'll have to ...
we'll have to... well, we'll have to do something!

	Give you the pun of the year award, maybe. ;)

	These are funny!  Keep it up!
<snip>

	OK-- this was a gearing up to a classic Ranma-style romp.  I
admit it.  I also admit to deciding that if I was going to use the
tired old mallet convention I was going to have some fun with it.  I
hope you had fun also. ^_^

	I don't know WHERE the umbrella joke came from, though. Heh.

	THIS IS SOME HILARIOUS STUFF!  Oh my god... my sides hurt from
laughing so much.  My coworkers think I've gone nuts, and my boss would have
fired me by now if he didn't find these hilarious himself.
	Please, please, PLEASE keep up the good work!

	Brian Payne
	sofaspud@ior.com
	brianp@nhspokane.com
	http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud