Well, you asked for C&C, so I'll provide what little I can.

	First of all, though... You really need to put at LEAST a [Lime] tag
on this, although the scene at the end (a continuation of the first?) pushes
it over into the [Lemon] category, IMO.  That isn't a bad thing, but you
need to put the tags on there so people who don't want to deal with it will
know - and contrariwise, so people who are looking for that sort of fic can
find it! ;)

	Also, you should put a [Ranma] tag on here as well.  I don't usually
pay too much attention to my 'slush pile', the folder where un-tagged or
mis-tagged mail is automatically sent.  I stumbled across this by chance
(actually, I stumbled across a C&C of it first :).  You should put the title
in the subject line as well... ;)

	Am I harping?  Good. ;)

	Anyway, on with the fic... 

She knelt on the pristine white futon, sized for two. The 
pillows lay at
the head, the blanket half pushed down... The tsunokakushi, her head

	While this is done well (explaining the Japanese term), I think it'd
be better to just leave the Japanese word out completely.  The only reason I
could see to include this would be if it had some special significance - for
example, you used the word throughout the fic.  Otherwise, it's just a bit
confusing.
	Other words are probably ok, but relative unknowns like this...
	Of course, I'm basing this on my own experience.  I know what an obi
is, and tabi, and a few others, but that's because I've seen them so many
times in fics (or RL, in one case) that I've learned what they mean.  But I
don't by any means speak Japanese (I need to rectify that one of these
days... ;), and it breaks the flow when I run across a word I don't
understand.
	Just my two cents. ;)



<snip>

He reached up and grasped her small hand. As he lowered her 
fingers from
his lips, the couple's lips touched... their kiss was soft 
and tender. So
gentle and tender was the kiss that it felt like the touch of 
a butterfly's
wings. Moving ever so slightly, her head tilted and their 
lips parted...
their tongues touched as their kiss deepened.

	Nice descriptions. ;)


<snip>

With a gasp, he held on to his nose, his eyes wide at the sight of the
beautiful woman before him. She was petite, but her figure 
was wonderful.
Her breasts were full, tipped with pink, hardened nipples. 
Her waist was
slender, widening out to her hips... down to long, sexy legs. 
She was only
clad in her tabi socks.

	This right here starts the section that makes the fic deserving of a
[Lime] tag, IMO.


<snip>

But he'd given up on Akane a long time ago, at their first attempted
marriage. Ranma would look after her, he'd care for her. If 

	'their first attempted marriage'?  Did I miss something?  It is
Ryouga thinking here, right?
	I wasn't aware that Ryouga and Akane were ever married, or even
engaged.

he didn't...
well, Ryouga would see to it that he'd learn never to neglect 
Akane again.

	Heh.  That's Ryouga, all right. ;)  Obsessive to the max. 


<snip>

She sipped on a soft drink, and gazed across the almost empty 
park. There
were only a few people around, mostly those who worked at the 
park. It was
a quiet, humid summer's day.

	I don't think the apostrophe on 'summer' is necessary.  I could be
wrong, though - I'm best with spelling, not grammar. ;)

Ryouga searched his backpack, and pulled out a handful of 100 
en coins.

	I'm aware of the note at the end, but it still looks like a typo.
'Yen' is the commonly accepted term (and indeed, the only one I've ever
heard of before now), and you should probably use it instead.  That way we
all know what you're talking about, no confusion.
	Then again, it's fairly obvious what you mean... but I still think
it looks like a typo. ;)

"D- do- do," he stuttered, his face flushing slightly, "Do you want to

	Yes you are, Ryouga.  A dodo, I mean.  Oh, I'm sorry, you were
trying to say something else! ;)


<snip>

It was beautiful. They rose up slowly, a stunning vista 
spreading out below
them. Oosaka Bay stretched out, the blue waves lapping at the 

	Should that be 'Osaka' instead?


<snip>

Steam rose from behind the building ... the edge of a pool of steaming
water peeked out behind the inn...

The two smiled at each other, and continued up the path... to 
the inn and
to a hot relaxing pool in the snowy country side.

	'Countryside' is one word.


<snip>

Couples and families gathered under other trees, talking and 
eating. Cups 
of sake rested on the ground, people hoping for a petal to 
fall into theirs.

	Is that a Japanese thing?  I personally hate it when things fall
into my drinks... ;)


<snip>

Sliding off his boxers, she kissed him again and again, 
loving the feeling
of him against her. Their bodies were warm, but their kisses 
and touches
were gentle and tender. Ever so gently, Ryouga parted her 
legs, holding her
thigh as she wrapped her leg around his hip. Reaching down, 
she guided him
into her .... 

Ryouga and his wife made gentle love together. Holding each 
other close, they
moved to their special rhythm. He rocked against her slowly, 
easing his length
into her more with each motion, pushing slightly as something 
blocks his
path ... and then his entire length was buried inside her. 
Opening his eyes,
he looked down at her, seeing tears glistening on her cheeks.

	And here is where this fic earns the [Lemon] tag.


<snip>

A slow grin spread across his face, "Anything for you!"

"But this time, let's do it piggy-style!" said Hibiki Akari.

Ryouga face-faulted.

	<sofaspud facefaults>
	I... I can't believe I just read that.
	You are aware that there are several ways that particular passage
can be taken, aren't you?  Hmm?
	And the fic was so serious up 'til this point, too...
	

Thanks to Dave Roeder for C&Cing the first draft and Ravi 
Duvvuri for the
second draft C&C, and Czarfire1 and Gary Kleppe for the third 
draft C&C! ^_^

Special note: 'en' is the actual Japanese name for 'yen'.

Kun-chan...

	This is a pretty good piece.  The quality of writing is excellent,
and you don't have any real grammar or spelling problems that I've noticed.
In that respect, I like it.  I have to admit I'm not quite sure where it's
supposed to go, though... maybe it's meant to seem like it does, like a
simple description of a relationship (as if simple can apply to anyone in
the Ranmaverse ;).  That's for you to decide, I guess.
	Aside from the tag issue, the main problem I have with this fic is
that it doesn't do anything.  I don't find it really interesting,
personally.  If you had some action in there (no not THAT sort of action!),
some problems, then I'd probably like it more.  As it is, it doesn't have
anything that makes me feel like I'm there.  It's too bland.  You need some
problems in here, some sort of antagonist - maybe Ryouga's too nervous to
'perform', as it were... or Akari is. :)  Maybe an accident happens on their
wedding night and they get separated, at which point the infamous Hibiki
genes send Ryouga on his merry way to wherever, and he and Akari have to
search for each other.  Maybe Ryouga (at the risk of being cliche) isn't
over Akane yet and has to resolve that.  Who knows?
	Of course, if you do it right, there's nothing wrong with being
cliche. ;)

	Good luck on this.  I hope you continue it and flesh it out, but
as-is, I find myself unaffected.


	Brian Payne
	sofaspud@ior.com
	brianp@nhspokane.com
	http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud