On Tue, 4 May 1999, Chris Davies wrote:

                                  
Establishing shot:  A dimly lit crystal corridor, within the palace of 
Millenias.  A form clad in dark robes that obscure everything glides 
through it.  The form pauses at a certain doorway, and the robes fall away 
from her head, revealing it to be Princess LEDA.  She takes a long deep 
breath.

I assume you mean the hood falls away from her head?  It sounds like her
head has several robes on it.

 

                                THE GAFFER
                   Ai'm settin' a snare.  An' you?

Heh.

                                  KIYONE
                   <shrug> Standard GP procedure.  If
                   there is a single item that you can
                   be sure will be absolutely vital to
                   the success of any operation -- in
                   this case, translators for operating
                   on Earth -- carry about a dozen in
                   case your primary gets confiscated.

Good advice.

Simultaneously they look over their shoulders.  Scattered behind them are
several dozen more outfits and a device that is spewing out more, 
<list of amusing things>.  MIHOSHI is still fumbling with the cube.

such as?

                                   SION
                   <grudging> True. <beat>  But it is 
                   just Sion.  Despite rumors, I am not
                   the egotistical lord of bardcraft.

Heh :)

                    
The Good, The Bad, and the Commentary:

The strong point of this story is that it paints a rich picture of an
interesting universe.  It's clear you've thought the universe through
well.  Characterization and voices are good as well; different people talk
and act differently, and you generally do a good job of establishing the
characters swiftly.

I also like the style; this sort of multiple parallel plot threads is
something I enjoy, and a style I tend to use myself.  

The weak point of this story is that it is incredibly difficult to follow
since no one knows this universe as well as its author.  There are about a
billion original characters, and I've reached the point where I can't
follow them all.  While I can follow the broad plot despite my confusion,
trying to keep track of the details is eluding me.  The end result is that
large chunks of this blur together as I try to remember who rules what and
lives where and is allied to who and when and why.

Basically, I need Cliff Notes to follow this.  But I don't have Cliff
Notes.  You've introduced a good two dozen major new characters, and I
can't keep track of them all.  It wouldn't be so bad if you'd introduced
them slowly over a fair # of chapters, but we've been hit with them all at
once, and I just cannot keep up.

And the Tenchi and Company presence still feels glommed on, too.  

So, in conclusion, I don't know what to think.  I like some aspects of it,
while others drive me nuts. 



 John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

"If you're looking for a new coaster, the album _13_ is perfect for you."
--Daily Kansan Music Review