BRAND NEW AND HOT OF THE E-PRESSES, CHAPTER 2 OF CRUEL LINA'S THESIS
Disclaimer: The Slayers characters and setting, as well as the Evangelion
characters and setting, belong to some very nice people who aren't us.
Please, `very nice' people, don't sue us. This is not meant to infringe on
copyright, and is not meant to make money. Anyone who's read fanfics knows
this. Please feel free to distribute this as you like.
We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!
You thought you could stop us, but under severe fan demand for the
MSTed version or our
regular edition (and threat of being Dragon Slaved if we didn't) we have
produced CH 2 of
CRUEL LINA'S THESIS.
If you wish to view a MSTed version of our fic, check out Shinji's
Vault of Anime MSTings.
We'd also like to thank Elmer Studio's for MSTing the original version of
our fic. In fact, finding
out that our riffers were 'Rifters', we're planning to include a special
'treat' in a later chapter.
(Mua-HA-hahaHAhahaha!!). So, if they THINK they can handle us again,...
they know where to
find us :)
A big THANK YOU goes out to our fans (and you know who you are), for
actual constructive
criticism, which is a commodity rarer than gold (or Molybdenum, for that
matter). Now that the
summer is here, we have more time on our hands; and you know how dangerous
that is. Future
chapters should come out more frequently (sorry for the delay on this one).
One note in regards to this chapter. Viewers may find this episode a
little "EVA Heavy".
This is a necessity. Aside from setting up the Slayers in the NGE
universe, our first chapter was
more Slayers heavy: so in the end, it balances out. Future chapters will
be more equal.
Thanks to Andrew Huang for introducing us to the infamous Mr. Pibb,
chemical
byproduct of Coca Cola. Andrew, this Pibb's for you.
And now on with our story. You have been warned.
* A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover *
* *
* Cruel Lina's Thesis *
* *
* Part 2: The Fit hits the Shan *
-------------------
Gendo's Office
-------------------
"It is time, Captain Katsuragi." Gendo Ikari stared over his fingers
at NERV's Tactical
Commander.
"What? Commander, are you serious? The risks..." Misato's
apprehension was tangible.
"I am well acquainted with the risks. Nevertheless, it is an event
that must occur. I expect
you to carry out your duties with all due professionalism. Am I being
clear?"
"Crystal." The purple-haired woman turned on her heel and strode
towards the door with a
file in her hands. At the threshold, she turned. "I hope you know what
you're doing,
Commander." Then she left.
Staring at the now-closed door, Gendo sighed. "So do I, Miss
Katsuragi, so do I."
--------------------------------------
The Children's Classroom
--------------------------------------
"Hello, my name is Gaurry Gabriev."
Asuka leaned over to whisper to Hikari. "Who are these clowns? A
midget, a clod, a
flat-chested twit..."
Hikari nodded and giggled along with the descriptions.
"... and Toji's wet dream."
Hikari choked in mid-giggle and flinched so hard in mid-nod she
nearly fell out of her chair.
Unfortunately, it was hard to dispute the evidence, as Toji's, Kensuke's
and Shinji's jaws had all
hit the floor with a resounding smack. In fact, all the males in the
class were in a similar state.
Those of them who were still conscious, anyway.
The girls in the class, save Asuka, Rei and Hikari, were similarly
agog over the tall, muscular
blonde who had just introduced himself. What was he doing here? (Not,
mind you, that they
were complaining) He looked old enough to be in college.
"Ano..." Gaurry scratched his head. "Where should I sit?"
"HERE!" fifteen shrill teenaged girl voices screamed at once. The
class erupted into
cacophony. "Whaddaya mean, 'here'? He's sitting beside ME!" "You?
Why would he want
to sit beside a smelly skank like you?" "Yeah, naturally he will want
to be near my natural
grace and charm!" "You shameless hussy!" "Bitch!" "Cow!"
Asuka's head sank to her desk in dismay. She kept telling herself
she was part of the superior
sex, but it was getting harder to believe by the minute.
The teacher rubbed his mouth thoughtfully. "Hmm. I think there's a
spare seat beside Miss
Langley-Soryuu." Silence fell and fifteen pairs of hate-filled eyes fixed
on Asuka.
In a flurry of motion, Asuka seized the neighbouring desk and hurled
it out the window. "No
there isn't!"
The teacher blinked slowly. "Oh." He blinked again. "Miss
Langley-Soryuu, would you
please get a spare desk for Mr. Gabriev from the store room?"
Asuka, dejected, wandered out of the class cursing the teachers
ancestry and leveling a look
at Gaurry that would curdle water.
Another new student wrote her name on the board, and turned to speak
to the class. "My
name is Gracia Wil Edison Saillune. However, you will refer to me as The
Dread Black
Sorceress Naga the White Serpent. Oh-ho-ho-ho-hohohohohohohohoho!" The
spine-chilling
laughter echoed throughout the school. Luckily, only the students in the
classroom were
transfixed with horror. Everyone else escaped.
Lina slapped a hand to her forehead, muttering. "They weren't
supposed to know we're
sorceresses, mammary-brain."
"And where will The Dread Black Sorceress Naga the White Serpent
sit?" The teacher
mused.
All the boys looked at each other, then threw all the spare desks in
the room out the
window. Kensuke leered at Naga, and spoke what all were thinking. "Well,
I guess you'll just
have to sit in my lap. Heh heh heh."
The corner of Naga's mouth twitched.
"DIEM WING!" A blast of wind arose from nowhere and hurled Kensuke
after the
much-abused desks, and slightly ruffled Rei's hair. She didn't notice.
"Thank you for removing all doubt, Naga. They couldn't possibly
figure out we're not from
their world NOW!" Lina ranted at 'her most fearsome rival'.
The teacher surveyed the damage, and sighed. "I guess we should
break for lunch now."
-------------------
Outside
-------------------
Kensuke's spiral ended in a pile of splintered wood, which broke his
fall if nothing else. As
he struggled groggily to his feet, two MIBs burst out of the kindling
beside him. "Kensuke
Aida?"
"Uh. Yeah?" Kensuke pulled his glasses of his chin and put them
where they could do some
good.
"We were sent to deliver this to you." The left MIB pulled out a
manila envelope.
"Um. Were you guys waiting for me under that pile of rubble?"
"I assure you, it wasn't here when we arrived." Right MIB adjusted
his tie, pulling a splinter
out of it.
"Soo.... You knew I'd be here?"
"Yes." Left MIB spoke.
"How?" Kensuke stood, and took the offered envelope.
"That's what we're paid to do, sir." The two MIBs turned and began
to walk away.
"WAIT!" Kensuke challenged. "If you guys know everything, you know
what my next
question is going to be!"
Left MIB nodded. "Pink with little blue bears." Then they were gone.
"Wow." Kensuke cast a look back to the classroom and the girls
therein. "Those guys are
good."
-----------------------------
Lunch on the sports field
-----------------------------
Hikari walked towards the new students, leading a small entourage.
"Tell me again why I have to come along?" Toji grumped.
"Because you're my boyfriend." Hikari explained. Toji, having no
good answer for that, shut
up.
"So then why do _I_ have to come along?" Asuka whined.
"Because we should show these new students that not all the girls in
class are insane." Hikari
sped up a bit, hoping to get it over with before anyone else asked. No
such luck.
"Um..." Shinji began.
Asuka glared at him. "Because if you don't I'll kill you."
Shinji plastered on a fake grin and strode along with totally
transparent enthusiasm.
Everyone looked at Rei expectantly.
"What?" Rei commented without inflection.
Standing around two drink machines were the new students. They
appeared to be trying to
figure out what the devices were, or at least how they worked. Lina and
company looked hungry
and thirsty.
Hikari strode up to Lina, as she appeared the most sensible.
"Hello, my name is Hikari
Horaki. I'm the class president, and I'm pleased to meet you. These are
my friends Toji, Shinji
and Asuka... oh, and that's Rei. How are you?"
"Um. Um. Yeah. Hi. I'm Lina, this is Amelia..."
"Hi hi!" Amelia beamed, hopping up to see over Lina's shoulder, and
waving.
Lina continued: "...and Gaurry. And you've already met Naga, the
Great White Hype."
"SERPENT!"
"...Snake in the grass." Lina muttered under her breath.
Hikari blinked, recovered her bearings, and forged ahead. "Well.
Welcome. I hope we can
be friends. We don't often get new students here, what with the frequent
catastrophes and
everything."
Lina started at that comment. "Oh yeah. Speaking of which, what the
heck is with those
weird giants we saw sinking into the<GRUMBLE!!>" Lina's stomach took that
moment to make
its needs known. "A-heh. Sorry about that. It's uh, been a while since
breakfast, and we can't
seem to get these contraptions to give us any." Lina pointed at the
vending machines.
With a flicker of motion, Shinji's vendor card was in Asuka's hand.
Shinji blinked. "Hey, th-"
Shinji's complaint was cut off by a threatening look from the violent red
head. (No, Asuka)
"If you don't have lunches, we'll be happy to get you something for
today." Asuka offered,
generously (with Shinji's card). "These machines only offer drinks,
though. That one," she said,
pointing to the left "dispenses juice and cold coffee. This one,"
pointing and frowning at the
right one. "offers 'Mr. Pibb'." Everyone (except the Slayers cast)
shuddered. Even Rei.
Hikari smiled. "Don't worry, though. You can have part of our
lunches." She failed to notice
Toji making wild, 'no, denied, nein, never' motions with his arms.
"Well, gee. That's awful nic- LINA SAVE SOME FOR ME!" Gaurry cut
off his thanks to
try and interpose himself between the sorceress and Hikari's rapidly
emptying bento. She held
him off with occasional jabs and pinches from the chopsticks.
Taking Shinji's vendor card from a stupefied Asuka, Naga walked up to
Toji, and ran the card
seductively up and down his chest and cheek. "I would REALLY like to know
how to use this to
get a REAL drink, Toji-Kun. Can you help me?"
As Toji stammered and twitched, Hikari became livid with rage.
Abandoning her bento to
the
vultures, she stomped over to 'remind' her would-be boyfriend of his place
in the world.
Amelia, abashed at the behavior of her companions, came forward and
bowed before Shinji
and Rei. "I'm so sorry. They're not usually like this. Okay, they are,
but that's still no excuse.
Anyway, I'm deeply sorry and apologize profusely. It's terrible that
we've even stunned your
friend here speechless."
Shinji, confused, looked around to try and figure out who Amelia was
talking about. "What,
Rei? Oh, no, she's always like that."
Amelia's brow furrowed. "What?" She turned to Rei. "Is this true?"
"Yes." replied the First Child.
Meanwhile, Shinji's mind was locking up. "She apologized to me. To
me. I was apologized
to. To me she apologized. She apologized to..."
"You don't feel happy or excited or perky or anything?" Amelia
asked, shocked.
"No." Rei replied
Amelia stared at her with disbelief plain on her face. "Why in the
name of righteousness
not?!"
Rei shrugged, not feeling any other response was necessary.
Inside Amelia's mind, gears were turning. "How, how sad. Yes, sad
and... and UNJUST.
How terrible that this girl must suffer through a life devoid of fun
and... and ZEST FOR LIFE! I
must, nay, WILL make it my personal quest to bring Joy into the life of
this poor, maligned
young woman! This I swear!"
"What do you swear?" Rei asked.
Amelia blinked, and realized she'd said at least part of that out
loud. "Umm... it doesn't
matter. A-heh." Amelia dashed off to see what ANYONE ELSE was up to.
Toji, mind fogged with hormones, reached out randomly with the vendor
card. As Toji was
getting pounded for almost using Asuka's cleavage as a scanning slot,
Shinji deftly switched his
card for Asuka's, and mouthed a silent prayer to anyone who'd listen that
she never found out.
(Ia ia, Cthulu!)
After making sure Asuka wasn't around, Toji tried again. Sadly, he
didn't watch what he was
doing this time, either. Zip, click, thud. "Oh MAN, I just bought a Pibb!"
Naga picked up the can and looked at it. "Hm? What's wrong with this?"
Toji jammed his hands in his pockets and looked annoyed. "Aww, we
gotta have those
machines around because 'Mr. Pibb' is the official beverage-like product
of the Human
Instrumentality Project, but nobody can actually stand to drink the stuff."
Curious, Naga opened the can and took a sniff. Smelled... odd. She
tried a sip. Naga was no
longer curious. She was also no longer hungry; as to being conscious,
that was in dispute.
"Gyaah! Who in their right mind would even call this a drink?!" Naga
pushed the can into the
first available hands. Gaurry stared at it. Then he tried it. He
blinked. Then, shrugging, he
polished it off. Everyone stared at him. Even Rei (of course, that
comprised her normal facial
expression, so no one noticed.)
"I don't believe it." Hikari marveled. "How can you drink that stuff?"
"It wasn't that bad." Gaurry mused. "Actually, it was kind of..."
"ALRIGHT, WOO-HOO!!!!" Boomed a voice, vaguely recognizable as
Kensuke's, from the
other side of the school. Such was the volume that bits of broken desk
tumbled in their
direction. The bits were closely followed by Kensuke himself, grinning
wide enough to split
his face and leaping in great joy-filled bounds. He skidded to a halt in
front of the group.
His glasses had fogged over, revealing nothing and only reflecting their
stunned faces. A blue
glow began to form around his body. A yellow sheet of paper was clenched
in one sweaty little
hand; a NERV I.D. card clutched in the other. "THEY CALLED ME UP!
THEY'RE GIVING
ME MECHA!!! BWA-HA-HA-AAAA-HAAAA!!!!!"
Asuka, Rei, Shinji and Toji stumbled backwards in sheer terror, aghast at
this terrible,
terrible news. Lina and company didn't know the details, but could
instinctively tell this
was a BAD THING; the laugh that out-intimidated Naga was a good clue.
--------------------------------------
Back at the Bat Cave
--------------------------------------
Many have wondered at the boundless eternity that exists beyond our
atmosphere. Few
have had the privilege to slip outside of the envelope to witness the true
majesty of it all. Yet,
for some, the worlds beyond these realms have always been accessible
either through birth, or
ability, or extreme plot contrivance.
The council we now zoom in on contained a small smattering of columns
A and B, and a
whole lotta column C. They were seated at a large wooden table located
deep within an
antechamber somewhere beneath the surface of the moon. Only two sources of
light existed in
the room: a lamp upon the desk at which the council sat and a doorway
which only parted to
accept the next Angel candidate.
Great Cthulu spoke aloud to the darkness. "Now serving angel 31.".
The door opened. Silhouetted in it's frame floated a multi-tentacled
monstrosity which
could simply fall under the description of a large purple prune with an
eye at the end of each
writhing appendage.
"I'm sorry son, but the Overfiend auditions are next door." Cthu added.
The beast hovered towards the desk. "Really?!... I mean, NO. I seek
to destroy humanity
by reuniting with Adam, er Lilith,.... aw whoever they have pinned to that
cross in the
Geofront.".
"Jesus..." Cthu sighed in dismay.
"No. Not him. He's not my siz...."
"Never mind!", barked Cthulu. The great demon turned to one of the other
beings seated at the
desk. "Sachiel, take this fool's name."
"Sachiel? Weren't you destroyed in the first two episodes?" muttered
the applicant
entity.
"No." he replied while pulling out an angel-sized clipboard and a
pencil that must have
previously been a redwood. "That was my stunt double. Name?"
"I, am Prince."
"Nani?" Cthulu looked at Sachiel to confirm that he had heard what he
thought he'd just
heard. His inquiry was substantiated by the large sweat drop (good enough
to fill a couple of
swimming pools) on the angel's head. "No. That will never do. You must
have a new name."
"May I be known as the Angel formerly know as P..."
"NO!... pah these non-union angels are useless. Professor Frink,
where are you?
Professor?....." Cthulu turned to see the esteemed scientist fiddling with
the dials and punch
cards on his Frinkotron 4000 computer muttering, "Damn these slow download
times. Why that
half-wit thought that 640K was enough *grm* I'd show him a *whoosh* and a
*pow* with the
wah-hey, wah-ho, wah".
"FRINK!" yelled Cthulu.
"Wha? Oh. Yes great Cthulu?"
"Consult your thinking machine to determine a name for this next
angel. Choose a name
that will inspire fear into the hearts of the mortals below. A name for
which the stars will favour
his destiny. Most importantly, a name ending in -el- ."
"Why yes mighty one. I'll just feed the vital stats into the
computer. Then I re-adjust the
interocitor to..." and off rambling he went as the larger beings turned
back to the business at
hand.
Sachiel explained to the new recruit, "You see, due to budget
cutbacks, we really have to
determine if you have what it takes to be an angel."
The Frinkotron 4000 began to smoke.
"Now tell me, what special quality do YOU think YOU can bring to the
brotherhood of
angels..."
"Well," replied the applicant, "I work cheap."
Sachiel and Cthulu exchanged sad looks. This is what the mighty angel
empire had been
reduced to. "You're hired."
The Frinkotron 4000 was alight with flames.
"Frink. What is the name that your computer produced for our lovely
contestant?"
The Professor was madly scrambling to pull the punch card out of the
rapidly combusting
computer. With a firm *yank* he freed a piece of the card before the
entire machine was
reduced to ash.
"FRINK!"
Quickly glaring at the slip in front of him, he was flabbergasted to
find that the ink on the
card was horribly smudged. The only information that was legible included:
likes taking long
walks on the beach, turn ons include Barry White music and fireplaces..
"Oh, WHAT the HELL
is going on here?" Frink screeched in dismay.
"So be it." declared Cthulu. "From this day forth you shall be known
as Ahuatdahell."
The only entity in this room who was NOT sweatdropping at that moment
was Cthulu.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
We now return to our regularly scheduled crossover.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"No... no, it can't be! Not YOU!" muttered Asuka.
"Yup. Read it and WEEP supergirl." Dangling his pass card in front of
her nose he firmly
pronounced, "I, Kensuke Aida, am a licensed EVANGELION PILOT!"
"..WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!..." Asuka fumed.
"Yup. Now I get do all the cool things that you guys do: fire big
weapons, train for sync
ratios, pilot Eva's, be part of those intimate 'training sessions' that
you, Shinji and Rei have in the
locker room." said leering in the second child's direction.
"Shin-JII!!!!", murder was in Asuka's eyes.
Reflexively ducking behind Toji, Shinji readied another apology for
Asuka, "I'm sor...
Hey? Wait a sec. Aida! I never said anything like that to you."
"I know. I just wanted to see if Asuka ever thought of something like
that. From the way
she's reacting I'd say she's considered it a couple of times." Everyone
looked at Asuka who's face
seemed to be running the gamut between rage and embarrassment over the
possibility of the
aforementioned sessions. Her expression eventually settled on an
embarrassed, yet dumbfounded
look.
"Besides," Aida added, "I have to get used to it. Toji says that
being an EVA jockey
makes you an instant babe magnet. That's how you got Hikari, right Susahara?"
It was now Toji's turn to come under scrutiny from Hikari; he was not
faring particularly well
underneath it. "Um,.... er,... yeah,... well...".
"Well! IF MR. Susahara wishes to speak with me, I'll be having lunch
elsewhere. Come on
Asuka." Hikari turned to walk away, dragging the dumbfounded Asuka along
side. After a few
steps, she stopped and turned to the new students, bowing curtly. "It was
a pleasure meeting you
all. I hope you'll forgive me for having to leave so soon. I'll see you
later in class."
So now, a hyper active Kensuke, along with Shinji, Toji and Rei stood
with the Slayers
cast in an awkward moment of silence. Lina and friends were still baffled
by the exchange that
had taken place in front of them a moment ago. In an odd burst of
extroversion, Shinji spoke.
"Well, uh, I guess we should sit down and have lunch." With that, the
group shuffled off to a
nearby bench and began to pick at their lunches.
After ravaging Hiraki's bento box, Lina began to probe Shinji and
company with
questions. "So, what's this E-van-gelion thing?"
Shinji, "Oh, it's nothing."
Kensuke, "Are you kidding?! Evangelion is the greatest invention of
mankind! It's these
really big robots with extension cords which run around and blow up evil
Angels. I
mean, jeez, where're you from that you hadn't heard of Eva's?"
"Oh," Amelia began "you see, we're not really from around here. We
were casting a
transportation spell and it went wrong. We think we're actually not from
this woGYAH!"
Amelia's exposition was cut short by a flying elbow drop from Lina.
"Um, ignore her. The last, uh, Angel attack traumatized her, and
she's been making up
fantasies to hide from the horror. Yeah..." Lina grinned in what she
hoped was a convincing
manner. However, since everyone who would have cared was distracted (Toji
trying to mend
bridges, Kensuke dreaming of blowing them up, and Hikari and Asuka
elsewhere), Lina needn't
have worried. The only event the outburst triggered was Gaurry taking the
opportunity to finish
the bento.
This, of course, initiated World Food War III as Lina and Gaurry
attempted to outflank each
other for the last sausage octopus. Shinji, now totally fed up with his
surroundings (again) put
on his headphones and withdrew from the world. Rei attempted to eat her
lunch in peace, but
Amelia would have none of it.
"So I hear your name is Rei that's a very nice name my name is Amelia
I'm a princess and a
champion of Justice I hear you use those giants to protect the city are
they anything like Golems
are you a champion of Justice too..."
Rei continued to eat, thinking quietly to herself. "What is wrong
with this person? Is this an
Angel tactic? How exactly does she fit into the great plan? I will have
to tell Commander Ikari
about this. I wonder who does her hair?"
-----------------
Back in class...
-----------------
"...first year of the 21st century, a large meteor collided with
Antarctica...melting the icecap
and raising the sea level sixty meters..."
Asuka pulled at her hair. "Doesn't he ever say ANYTHING else? We've
been fighting angels
for over forty episodes now and we haven't even SEEN a math textbook."
Kensuke grinned. "Hey, at least this way even I can ace the tests."
Naga leaned over to Lina, whispering. "He said it was after the 21st
century. What century
was it before we left?"
Lina rubbed her temples, wishing the headache (and, hopefully, it's
causes) would simply
vanish. "It doesn't matter Naga. This isn't our world anyway, the
calendars don't match at all."
Rei watched the teacher expressionlessly, but her mind was elsewhere.
Specifically, she was
thinking about the hyperkinetic brunette sitting to her left, who had been
trying to strike up a
conversation with her since lunch. "She's been talking for an hour now.
Non-stop. I don't even
think she inhaled. What stamina."
Shinji stared out the window, whispering to himself. "This seems so
peaceful. Like an
ordinary day, at an ordinary school, being attended by ordinary people.
Yet, it feels ominous
somehow. Nothing has happened for hours now. It's almost like we're...
waiting for something."
At that precise moment, klaxons began to blare all around the city.
Kensuke shot out of his
chair like a rocket. "Angel attack! Last one to headquarters has to
clean out the entry plugs!"
The gleeful new pilot shot out of the room in a blink. The other pilots
stared after him, their
mouths working silently. Finally, Toji spoke.
"I've got a BAAAD feeling about this."
As all five EVA pilots rushed to their posts, the rest of the class
made for the
shelters. Sadly, Lina et al having NO idea what was going on, stopped to
use the restrooms and
emerged to find no one around, and no guides to the shelters.
"Well this is just great. Where is everybody?", a grouchy Lina
stomped around, looking into
empty classrooms. "If you hadn't taken so long, Naga, we might not have
missed them."
"Well I'm sorry, Lina." Naga spoke haughtily. "These uniforms take
more getting out of than
my normal clothes."
"Only you would call those clothes normal." Lina muttered. Amelia
blushed, reminded of her
earlier assumptions about native 'normal clothes'.
"So what do we do now?" Gaurry asked, closing Asuka's schoolbag (left
behind in her haste),
having failed to find either a Mr. Pibb or the card that makes the drink
machine dispense them.
What he did happen to find in their he made a brief inventory of for no
reason: mirror with
powder, pen, coins, small piece of cloth wrapped in cloth, katana, assault
rifle, Jimmy Hoffa....
Amelia jumped up and down, "Why are you all rushing to the shelters?
Didn't you hear? A
horrible, evil, wicked monster is attacking the city! It is our duty as
Defenders of Righteousness
and Goodness to aid in the defense of these people! Chaaaarge!" *THWACK!*
"Ow." After
picking herself up off the ground, Amelia then OPENED the door, and
charged out. Gaurry,
shrugging at the hopelessness of it all, followed her. Having no better
recourse, Lina and Naga
followed.
-------------------------------
NERV HQ, the Really Big Room
-------------------------------
"It... it's... it's like a dream. It's so beautiful." Kensuke
stared with reverential awe, hands
clasped and rivers of tears streaming down his cheeks, at Eva-05. Styled
like Unit 00, it was
painted brown and khaki; almost a camouflage pattern.
"Um. Yeah. But what's with tha colours?" Toji scratched his head.
"I mean, a camo Eva?
What, is it supposed to HIDE somewhere? Maybe a Redwood forest?" He
snickered at his own
humour, no one else did.
At that moment, everyone shared a daydream of Eva-05, standing up to
it's knees in a forest,
holding a lone spruce in front of its face, as an oblivious Angel strode
past. They shook their
heads, trying to dislodge the inane image.
Misato Katsuragi walked into the room. "Quit chattering, we're on a
time limit. Toji, your
Eva's repaired, but it hasn't been fully tested yet, so you'll be rear
guard with <shudder> Kensuke
here. Watch him, uh, his back, as he's new at this." Misato turned to
the most experienced
pilots. "Asuka, you seem to be in a mood. Why don't you take point.
Shinji and Rei can guard
your flanks."
Asuka sing-songed, "I get another ki-il, I get another ki-il."
Shinji as an aside to Rei, spoke, "Do her violent tendencies ever
worry you?"
"Yes. Terribly.", Rei replied.
The pilots suited up, not without some violence to prevent 'peeking',
and boarded their
respective machines. Kensuke rubbed the console in front of him lovingly.
"It even has new-car
smell."
Toji stared at Kensuke through a vid window, "Know many new cars
filled with blood?",
Kensuke opted to ignore him.
Rei opened a window to talk to Asuka, "Asuka? Do you ever feel, I
don't know, not so-"
"SHUT UP! We agreed never to mention that commercial again!",
Asuka's face was as red as
Unit-02. The boys snickered. Rei almost smiled. Almost.
"Right, save that fire for the battle. Prepare for launch!", Misato
commanded both the pilots
and the support crew in the control center.
Hyuuga, hurrying to comply, accidentally elbowed his Mr. Pibb, which
spilled on the console.
"Uh-oh."
"Is there a problem Hyuuga?", Misato asked, still watching the pilots.
"Uh, I just remembered I forgot to... uh... return a video to
Barkbluster.", Hyuuga covered
hastily.
"Well worry about your own problems when the fate of mankind isn't in
imminent danger.
Launch Evas!"
Hyuuga typed in the launch codes. *Spark.* *Fizz*. *Sizzle.*
"Compliance."
The Eva's rocketed up the launch elevators with their typical speed.
Accuracy, however...
"What th-! Commander!", Aoba scanned his readouts with disbelief.
"Something has gone
wrong with the launch system. The access port assignments have been
scrambled. I don't know
where they're going to come out!"
"Damn! The Angels are one jump ahead of us again!", Misato smacked a
fist into her palm.
Hyuuga quietly stashed the spilled Mr. Pibb can under Aoba's console.
---------------------
Outside, Tokyo-3
---------------------
Asuka popped up behind a support building, "Unit 02, ready."
Rei came up behind an apartment complex, "Unit 00, ready. Commander,
the city hasn't
retracted properly."
Misato switched camera views to see for herself. It was true. "What
the heck? Maya, find
out what the problem with the city is and FIX IT!"
Maya began typing furiously, thinking to herself, "Wow, I never
noticed before but Misato is
kind of... cool when she takes charge."
Toji and Kensuke's units surfaced simultaneously, next to each other.
They began looking for
weapon buildings. Toji was supplied with an assault rifle. Kensuke
approached a structure the
size of the Chrysler building. When the door opened, Unit 05 went weak in
the knees.
Kensuke's
eyes shone.
"Ack!", Misato yelled. "Kensuke's got the experimental heavy
autocannon! Kensuke! You
can't use that! It's supposed to be used by three Eva's acting in concert!"
"Sure I can Commander, I have the strength of madness!" And true to
his word, Eva-05 lifted
the mighty piece of ordinance like a toy. The titan turned to face the
camera (yes, he did), and
posed. The sun glinted off the weapon. "All right people. Let's ROCK!
MEGA CANNON
ATTACK!" Kensuke opened up, loosing shell casings the size of Yugo's into
the streets of the
city beneath while laying waste to the landscape in front of him.
Toji's Eva tapped Kensuke's on the shoulder. "Hey man? The Angel's
thataway." Toji
pointed behind Kensuke.
"Right. I knew that."
Misato hung her head, "What else could go wrong."
"Hey, Misato?", Hyuuga tried to keep a quaver out of his voice.
"What NOW Hyuuga."
"You know... the restraints that hold the Eva's to the launch
gantries?..."
*FWING!* Unit-01 shot straight up into the air (the restraints no
longer living up to their
namesakes) to the limits of its power cable. Then the EVA snapped to an
abrupt halt, and fell to
the pavement. "I hate my life.", Shinji moaned.
"We've got a blue pattern coming up fast, Commander.", Aoba said, "It
looks like we've run
out of time."
Gendo Ikari looked over his fingers with a steady gaze. He adjusted
his glasses. "We can
now officially classify this as the 31st Angel." He started rummaging in
his pockets, "Hmm.
Where's my white-out?"
Then, in the control room monitors, the Angel cleared the horizon.
Ahautdahell, the purple
mass of writhing tentacles, had arrived.
-----------------------
The Streets of Tokyo-3
-----------------------
Lina stared at the approaching monster, shielding her eyes with one
hand, "Aah, Shabrandigo
was scarier."
"Ha. If this foolish beast thinks it can stand against the might of
Naga the White Serpent, it is
a great fool. Oh-hohoho-HO-hohohohooo!", Naga, confident of her
superiority to a mere
mountain-sized city-stomping monster, laughed derisively. Abruptly, she
stopped. "Ano, has
anyone seen my Justice-obsessed little sister?"
Gaurry pointed at the tallest building they could see. "She ran in
there."
The young sorceress in question was dashing up countless flights of
stairs, simultaneously
changing from her school uniform to her white and pink sorceress costume.
Finally, she burst
out onto the roof, posed dramatically, and fainted out of sheer
exhaustion. Then she stood up,
and pointed an accusing finger at the approaching enemy of all mankind.
"You, Oh darkest of
demons, Oh foulest of all foul, nasty, evil, smelly, icky and possibly
very ecchi..."
At the control centre, Maya smiled happily, "I've got the building
control online! Retracting
city now!"
"...I, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune, champion of Justice,
Righteousness, Love, Peace,
Happy..." At this point, the rapidly descending building disappeared
below street level, and huge
blast doors closed over it.
Lina, who had been watching the sinking sorceress, shook her head.
"I've never seen her shut
up so effectively before. Oh well, at least she's out of the way now.
Come on guys, if we don't
waste this thing, Amelia will never stop bugging us about it." The dragon
frightener and
enemy-of-all-who-live headed towards the battle, her trusty swordsman and
sidekick in tow.
And Naga.
---------------------
Back with the Pilots
---------------------
Rei and Asuka opened their respective weapons buildings, and armed
themselves. It was not
what they expected.
"What the heck are you idiots trying to pull!?", Asuka waved the
Eva-Scale Chakram in a
threatening manner at the camera, and hence, the command staff.
"The Marketing department recommended cross-promotion to increase our
ratings. Rei has
been similarly equipped.", remarked Gendo, enigmatically.
Rei, facing the camera, holding aloft an Eva-sized transformation pen
with an image of the
Kabbalist Tree of Life on top, deadpanned: "You must be kidding."
"Rei. You will do as ordered.", Gendo was implacable.
"I am not your doll."
Gendo, behind his back, nodded the head of a Rei voodoo doll.
The albino blinked. "But I will do as you say. Why did I agree? Oh
well."
Asuka shook her head. "This is too stupid for me." She cast the
Chakram (aka combat
frisbee) aside, pulled out a progressive knife, and charged.
Rei, not wanting to let Asuka fight alone (Shinji was TKO and the
others were too far away),
held the pen aloft, "Desperate Marketing Ploy Instrumentality Power!"
Ribbons of blue, white
(and pink) light circled Unit-00, lifting it into the air and forming a
hugely oversized Sailor
outfit, bedecked with pink ribbons, over top of the Eva's armor.
Rei looked down at her machine with something resembling disgust. "I
have sunk as low as I
can go."
At that moment, a battered looking Unit-02 went sailing over Rei's
head. When she turned to
look, she found Ahautdahell with an eye stalk snaking under her EVA's
skirt. Rei frowned. "No
more." Reaching for a progressive knife, she found a bow holding the
compartment closed.
With one motion, she ripped off the bow with the Eva's left hand, and drew
the progressive knife
with the right, smoothly de-stalking the angel's probing member. Gendo,
Hyuuga, Aoba, Shinji,
Kensuke, Toji and Gaurry all flinched in sympathy. Ahautdahell retreated
to a safer distance.
On the top of a non-retracted building, Lina, Gaurry and Naga
surveyed the battle.
"Ah, none of these people really knows how to fight a monster,", Lina
muttered, rolling up
her sleeves. "I think I'll show them how it's done." Lina began to chant,
red and black energy
spiraling around her.
Naga, noticing this, rapidly levitated down to the street and began
to pound on a set of blast
doors that had swallowed a building moments before. "Let me in! Let me
in! There's a maniac
out here who's going to blow us all to ashes! Are you listening to me?!"
Gaurry, drawing the Sword of Light, repositioned himself behind the
red-haired spellcaster
silently praying that she would not release the spell in his direction.
---------------------
At NERV HQ
---------------------
"Commander! I'm getting a strange new pattern. The Magi cannot handle
the amount of
data. We're loosing sensor feed across the board!", Aoba shouted. While he
attempted to
compensate for the feedback all camera views and audio reception broke up.
"Get those systems up right away. Maya, Hyuuga, help him out!",
Misato Katsuragi barked.
With the command staff left in the lurch, she looked upward to the only
source of information
she had left; Gendo Ikari and Commander Fuyutsuki.
As for those two, they were in an equally large amount of chaos.
"This was NOT is the
script, er... scrolls... ah... whatever. WHAT were they thinking!"
---------------------
On the playing field....
---------------------
"....DRAGON SLAVE!"
Wave after wave of dark power granted to Lina poured into the hapless
Ahautdahell
who failed to dodge the potent blast. The poor victims last thoughts were,
"Aw Nutbunnies...
(and)SO THAT's how they get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar.", before
being taken from
this life in a cross shaped explosion
All who could see what happened (the EVA pilots) were astounded.
Toji, "What the heck was that?! Who blew up that angel?"
Kensuke, "I don't know, I can't get a clear view. Rei's Eva is in the
way and I've lost all
input from the Geofront!"
Turning to Kensuke and releasing the safety on his assault rifle, Toji
muttered, "Then it's
time to get up close, *ka-chack* and personal." That said, the
not-so-dynamic duo moved into
the battle zone.
Toji began to slowly advance in front of Kensuke. The latter,
however, valiantly charged
forward with all the grace of a drunken alligator dancing with a hippo.
"EVA LEAP!", bellowed
Kensuke. The Law of Physics, feeling violated from the earlier, blatant
defiance by magic,
decided to reassert their authority over technology. EVA 05 LEAP with EVA
CANNON not
watching for EVA Extension Cord became EVA TRIP! Leaving Kensuke face
first in
a hillock and Toji with the job of extricating him before joining up with
the others.
Asuka, in the wake of destruction, spoke. "My.... my kill?" Zooming
her cameras in
on Lina's rooftop, "SHE STOLE MY KILL!". That said, Asuka charged Lina and
Gaurry with
progressive knife in hand. Oversized pointy death awaited our heroes as
the blade tore a
downward arc towards them. Death however was forestalled as Gaurry parried
the knife with the
Sword of Light.
"Ah,... they ain't so tough Lina." *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* "Who ever
trained
this giant apparently couldn't teach it to fight its way out of a wet
paper bag. Really..."
*CLANG* *PARRY* *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* "Sooo predictable technique. I mean,"
*PARRY* *CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* "the
villains of this world CAN'T be all that tough if THIS is what's
protecting them."
Asuka's ears were flaming at the commentary that the external mikes
were feeding her.
"This giant hasn't even figured out it could smash the building
beneath us rather than
fight me on the roof. The fall would probably kill us..."
Grinning maniacally, Asuka did just that. The building went tumbling
down; Gaurry and
Lina, however did not. The laws of Physics lose again.
"...that is, if you stopped that levitate spell you've been
maintaining Lina. Well Mr.
Red Giant," *CLANG* *PARRY* *CLANG*, "It was nice sparing with you, but we
have to go
now. Don't worry about the evil monster; no need to thank us. We'll send
you the bill later. Have
a nice day!" That said, Lina and Gaurry disappeared into the dust cloud
beneath them which was
born out of the shattered building's remains.
"Scheibkophen!", swore Asuka, relaxing her aggressive posture.
Toji and Kensuke skidded to a halt beside Asuka. The more heavily
armed of the two
yelling, "What happened? Where's the bad guy? Tell me what to shoot!?"
Rather than responding, verbally, Asuka simply punched him without
turning around.
Unfortunately, Toji's Eva was the closer of the two and he took the hit.
In an effort to maintain
his balance, he reached out and grabbed for anything that would stabilize
him. That was
Kensuke.
That was a bad idea.
Kensuke, now off balance himself, stumbles forward clumsily accidentally
thrusting his large multi-barreled weapon into Asuka's posterior.
That was a ALSO bad idea.
"BAKA YARO HENTAI!", screamed the Second Child. Once again
brandishing the
progressive knife in a fashion which alarmed the male pilots. Wisely, they
decided to flee. "Get
back here and take your punishment like men!" she cried as she pursued
the targets of her intent.
Between the retreating forms of the two male pilots the consensus was
quickly reached
that if they were to return to receive their punishment, they would not
remain men for long.
And what of our brave Shinji? The glorious First child was only now
recovering
consciousness. "Wha... what did I miss?"
His Eva was help to its feet by the fuku clad EVA 00. "Nothing.",
replied the solemn
First Child.
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"Did we defeat the Angel."
(hesitation)"Yes."
"Oh... ok."
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"Is Asuka trying to castrate Suzahara and Aida again?"
(hesitation)"Yes."
"Oh... ok."
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"Is your Eva wearing a sailor outfit?"
(resigned) "...Yes."
"Oh...."
"Rei?"
"Yes?"
"I need a drink."
"Me too."
------------------------------------------
Back in the pit with the support crew
------------------------------------------
The combined efforts of Dr. Akagi, Maya, the tech support guy from
Microsquish and the
under-appreciated university intern finally managed to bring the sensors
back on line.
"Someone see if they can get me a lock on that angel. Evangelion
team, what is your
status?." barked Misato as the screens and speakers flickered to life.
"*CRACKLE* *CRACKLE*... your cables are cut you dweebs, it's only a
matter of time
before you run out of power and I ... OH! Misato-san! You're back."
"What happened? Where's the angel?"
"Oh... him. Well,...", with sudden booming confidence, "... once
again the responsibility
of saving the world has fallen into the lap of the Second Child. And,
viewing audience, once
again you have not been disappointed.", she bowed.
Aoba, "No blue pattern detected Commander. The angel must be dead. "
"What about that sensor overload we got from the area? What was that
Asuka? Some
new angel attack?"
"What... that... oh yeah... the angel tried to do, um... some weird
kind of energy thingy,...
and er,... I killed it good.", she replied. There were skeptics among the
listeners.
"Rei.", Commander Ikari enquired, "did you see anything unusual
during the battle?"
Rei glanced down at her mecha, clad for all the world like some
gigantic Transformer
that had run afoul of an equally enormous Barbie collection. Comparatively
speaking, she could
answer the commander with a frank, "No."
"Very well, recall the Evas, Captain Katsuragi. I'm going to get a
perm and manicure."
Gendo Ikari exited stage right.
Misato, fed up with the whole mess told the crew to sink the Eva's
and raise the city. She
was going to go home and have a nice hot bath. And several drinks. She
exited stage left.
-----------------------------------------------------
And now, the long awaited shower scene
-----------------------------------------------------
The girls went first. For some reason they always went first. Whether
peeping was
intentional or not, the possibility existed yet was rarely exploited. One
would guess that the
planners in an organization involved in saving humanity would see the
fallacy of unisex showers.
You'd be wrong.
After the girls came the guys. They stripped and began to clean the
LCL off of themselves.
As always, there exists an amazing double standard. Men peeping on
girls always get slugged.
However, girls peeping on guys never get hit. This being so, Asuka wrapped
in a towel stepped
in on the three male pilots as they were lathering up. The bubbles
contrived to maintain a PG
rating
on the fic.
Shinji, Toji and Kensuke covered as best as they could under the
circumstances; which wasn't
very well.
"Listen here you cretins, let's get one thing straight! We stick to
MY story. You saw
nothing!", that said, she turned and stalked out.
As Asuka left, she passed Rei, who had seen everything (including
what went on in the
shower). The second child turned to stare challengingly at the first.
Rei's flat gaze met the stare.
"What?"
----------------------------------------------------
Where the streets are paved in rubble
-----------------------------------------------------
Lina and Gaurry wandered around through the thinning dust cloud,
looking for their friends.
And Naga.
"Naga! NAAGA! Hey you cackling maniac, the monster's gone now. You
can come out!",
Lina shouted over the sound of settling detritus.
"Soo-EEE! Soo-EEE!", Gaurry cupped his hands around his mouth for
better projection.
"Gaurry, what the heck are you doing?"
Gaurry shrugged, "It always worked on the farm."
**SMAQUE!**
Lina rubbed her knuckles where Gaurry's rock head had bruised them,
and called out again,
"Hey, 'Oh Great White Worm', are you going to sit on your over-padded butt
all day?!"
A weak voice escaped from between two jagged slabs of concrete,
"S-s-s-er...pent. Uh."
Lina turned to find a white hand waving limply. "*sigh* You're
hopeless, you know that?
Aah, If I don't dig her out, I'll never hear the end of it. Dil BRAND!"
The rubble was hurled into
the air, and a battered Naga fell at Lina's feet.
But neither Lina nor Gaurry noticed that. Their eyes were focussed on
the treasure trove that
the blast had revealed: Gold, Franklin mint and Merrrr...cantile goods!
(Sound it out people). All
were there, free for the taking.
"You know,... Gaurry. We DID technically save the city from certain
destruction. So..."
His eyes reflected Lina's greed, ".... this would -technically- be
our reward? Right?"
"Like I told you in Chapter one, there's hope for you yet."
*SNAP* Naga sat bolt upright, "Treasure? Taaaa-reashure? I landed on
it first. Half of
everything is mine!"
As the slayers cast attempted to loot,... er,... recover their
reward, the city once again rose
towards the sky. Aside from the whine of the motors a certain familiar
droning could be heard.
"*MRPH* *MRPH* *MRPH* ....monstrating the power of my FIST OF JUSTICE upon
your
evil... countenance... Hey, where'd everybody go?"
Lina blinked up at Amelia, "Y'know, that's the farthest she's ever
gotten through that speech."
---------------------------------
---------------------------------
Well, that brings us, and you, to the end of another chapter. No
applause please, just throw
money. If you wish to contact us regarding this chapter or the previous
one (or those not yet
written (ooo, scary)), please send to laughlin@accessv.com.
As an aside, we're running a contest! We're at a loss as to what
final, terrible Angel will
attack our heroes in the gut-wrenching, terrifying climax. So if you have
ideas and names, send
'em! We might even use them if they're ludicrous enough!
Expect chapter 3 within the month (fingers crossed). Since this is
being written in the
summer, and our various responsibilities and draws on our time are
lessened, it shouldn't be too
much of a problem. Knock on wood.