[snip]

	(insert that old disclaimer thatwe know so well here)

that we

	Part Four-- Amazon Days?

[snip]

	If there was anything truly good about the Girl Days training, it
was that Ranma had her own room.  And that Pops was sleeping in the
dojo (being banished there by Nodoka, who had NOT quite forgiven him
for his apparent desire to win the all time baka award).  The room
had been slightly redecorated, true-- Ranma needed the vanity for her

A dash has no adjoining spaces, use:  true--Ranma

(Repeat as many times as needed for the rest of the fic.) ^_^

makeup practice, and had a small but now complete wardrobe-- but it
was HERS, all hers.

	It was also somewhat schizophrenic to the uninformed eye.

	In tribute to her masculine soul, there were a few Jackie Chan
posters, a collection of shonen manga, and a box containing her-- at
the moment-- forbidden boxer shorts.

	In tribute to Nodoka's firm belief that there was also a feminine
soul involved, there was fancily feminine sheets on Ranma's futon, a
full size mirror, and... two stuffed animals.

There is a space after each period of an ellipsis, use:  and. . . two

(Repeat for the rest of the fic.)

	Ranma was REALLY beginning to worry about her mother.  The
stuffed panda was, she supposed, a sop to her no longer sleeping with
her father.  Af if she missed THAT.

As if

[snip]

	It was a Chinese-styled minidress, pretty much the same thing
that Shampoo favored.  A deep burgundy with gold trim and embroidery,
it had one advantage as far as Ranma was concerned-- it did not
require a bra.  It fit WAY to close for that-- it was (as Genma was
not) self supporting.  It made Ranma look... well... sexy.  Which
Ranma was not entirely pleased with.

Hum, Ranma is not entirely pleased which means that she is 
somewhat pleased with looking sexy.  Her mother's training seems 
to already be subtly affecting Ranma's id.  Of course, this could 
just be me reading something in to the use of the word "entirely"--
YMMV. :-)

	"Wrong panties, though," added Nabiki, flipping what there was of
the skirt.

	"HEY!  What is this, pervert's 'r' us?" protested Ranma.

Pervert's 'R' Us?

This is being used as a name.

[snip]

	"If I may quote Kuno-- I despise you."

If Ranma is really quoting Kuno the "I despise you" needs to be 
enclosed by single quotes:  "If I may quote Kuno--'I despise you.'"

	Nabiki just laughed.  "But you look so Amazon, Ranma."

	"That's why I despise you," retorted Ranma, looking in the
mirror.  Nabiki had redone her hair in a style reminicent of
Shampoos-- shorter, but there were the twin buns and ponytails.
Short ponytails, but there.  If Shampoo had been a redhead the look
would have been scary.  Hell, thought Ranma, it WAS scary.

Shampoo's

Also, you either need to enclose Ranma's thoughts in quotes or 
parenthesis (as you did earlier for her thoughts) in the last 
sentence.

[snip]

	Ranma got a wicked gleam in her eye.  "OK."

I'm liking this Ranma more and more.  She has a sense of humor 
that, sadly, is (at least to me) lacking in the canon Ranma--or at 
least the parts I've seen..
 
[snip]
 

	Ranma released the Glomp.  "Yep.  I get hammered enough without
grabbing her THERE in front of you.  Not that I wanna grab her there
away from you... but now you see?"

The interjection "Yep" really does not stand alone in this case, use 
a comma instead of the period.

[snip]
  

	Akane just stood and fumed, in one of Ranma's chinese outfits--
black pants, red sleeveless shirt, arm bracers-- even a clip-on faux
pigtail.  

I wanna know what Nabiki was doing with a fake Ranma pigtail.  
On further thought, maybe there are things no one should know. :-)

[snip]

	Ranma looked at her with sudden wide eyes.  And in a
devastatingly accurate Shampoo inpression, replied, "Ranma think
Akane look nice like that.  Akane take Ranma to date now?"

impression

I could be wrong, however, as sudden is modifying the adjective 
wide should it not be in the adverbial form?  suddenly wide eyes

[snip]

	The two were again at the table they seemed to spend half their
lives at.  Weither shogi, go, or chess, there was always some game
going on.  Although this game wasn't any of the above.

Whether shogi

Whether is used with only two choices and you have three (unless 
weither is a valid word not found in my dictionaires.)

You may wish to use another word, or just leave it as is and know 
that most people would not know about the limit of two items.

Your call.

[snip]
 

	"Ah, felt like a change, ne?  Ain't anything wrong with that, is
there?"  Akane replied, imitating Ranma again.

I like this.  The use of anything instead of nothin' (that I feel Ranma 
would have used) shows that Akane, while doing a very creditable 
imitation, still has not quite hit the mark.

[snip]

	Ranma easily skipped down the stairs, carrying her bonbori, and
grinning.  "What wrong?  Panda never see Japanese Amazon before?"

A very nice hint on what will occur with the Prince.  Nice job of 
foreshadowing.
 

	Soun exploded into tears.  "WAHHHHH!  My daughter think's she's a
boy and my future son-in-law thinks he's a amazon girl!
WAHHHHHH!!!!!"

I'm not sure about Soun's speech patterns.  Would he say "he's a 
amazon" or "he's an amazon" in this statement?  Exactly how 
accurate is his speech when he's excited?

[snip]
 

 	And Nodoka-- began to giggle.  "Bravo, dears.  An excellent
peformance."

performance

[snip]
 

	"Hey," Nabiki interjected (having just come out of hiding with
Kasumi), "You two are pretty good at this.  I have a little
proposition for you...

proposition for you. . . .

You need ending punctuation for the last sentance.

	"So we do this all day, and I get 20000 off my debt and THREE DBZ
manga volumes?"

Is this 20,000 and three manga total or on top of the 5,000 and one 
manga already offered--and won by Ranma for wearing the dress?  
It could be read either way.

Also, you should put the comma in the 20,000 (and the 5,000 
earlier.)  It makes it much easier to read.
 
[snip]

	"But what do you get out of it for yourself?" asked Ranma.  "I
don't see where you profit by this..."

"For yourself" is redundant.

[snip]

	"Cute spatula girl..."

A very nice out of character, yet in character dig at Akane.

	Akane growled.

That she does not like.  :-)

	Before Akane could either mock Ranma's intuition, or begin to
fear that there might be something to it, a ringing voice carried
through the streets--

You need ending punctuation in the above sentence.

[snip]

	This could be amusing...

And profitable (do we now have a new buyer of Ranma pictures?)

[snip]

	"Actually, I approve.  Becoming more accepting of 'her' female
side will make her a better husband for... whoever.  Also, should out

I believe that should be "husband for. . . whomever" (objective case.)

should our claim

claim come out successful, she will have greater status in the
village, being able to claim a position not only as Shampoo's
husband, but I think as a true Amazon warrior."

[snip]

	Ranma looked where she'd hammered the as yet un-named prince into
the pavement.  For the third time.  He'd also been punted into LEO
twice and embedded in a wall once.

L.E.O.  This acronym is pronounce letter by letter and not as a 
word (at least I've never heard it pronounced as a word--unless 
you're talking about as the name of a white lion ^_^) so it needs the 
periods.

[snip]

	"Hey-- why Akane do that?"

Uh, would not Ranma (as Shampoo) say "Hey--why violent girl do 
that?"  Of course, if she did, she might just get a taste of violence 
herself--or at least a withering glance. ^_^
 
[snip]

	Prince Midol of Kasarikustan sat in his rather cheap hotel room
and puzzled.  For some reason his unlimited prowess at battle served
him somewhat less than well in the pursuit of the Amazon Ranma.  It
was almost as though she did not return his affections-- which was,
of course impossible.  Apparently Amazons played hard to get with
more fervor than the maidens of his own mystical kingdom. 

I see, Prince Midol is related to Kuno.

	Kasarikustan was, as mystical kingdoms went, less than
impressive.  The shining golden castle was beginning to peel, the
magical lake wasn't very large and was somewhat cloudy, rather than
clear and crystalline, and the population was by and large very
ordinary.  In fact, sub-ordinary.

Uh, this is impossible.  As ordinary just means the everyday 
normal for a location or group, the people have to be, no matter 
how unordinary compaired to others, ordinary within their own 
group.

I know that this is a cute quip, I just felt the need to say it.  So, 
please, just ignore my ranting, I always do. :-p

[snip]

	Midol was the greatest warrior of his kingdom.  But since his
kingdom consisted almost completely of terminally clumsy morons and

You do know how Midol got so resilient to beatings?  For a few 
days each month, the women of his kingdom use him for pain 
relief!  ^_^  (It had to be said.  Really, it did.)

[snip]

explanation for one who had tamed a panda as her pet?  Her beauty,
her grace, and her speed was an inspiration.  Surely the others in

Her beauty, her grace, and her speed were an inspiration.

You listed three things so you need a plural form of the verb be.

[snip]

	As Ranma sat and sipped her (lukewarm) tea, she sighed.  The
worst thing about Girl Days was avoiding hot water.  It wasn't hard--
the curse only wanted, it seemed, to feminise her usually.  Under
normal circumstances the problem was FINDING hot water.  Still,
accidents can happen... and right now she would have willingly--
well, not killed, but maiming was a possibility-- for a hot bath.

maimed

Killed is a past participle while maiming is a present participle.  As 
the action is taking place now, all the paritciples need to be in 
present tense.

[snip]

	"Not make sense.  Prince act like he know Ranma."

	"Ranma."

	The Girl-in-training looked up at the familiar-- and unwelcome--
voice.  "Cologne."

Interesting, no comment on being called Ranma instead of son-in-
law.

Also, she did not call Cologne "old ghoul."  The training seems to 
be making even more headway.

	Ranma glared at Cologne.  "Why Cologne being nice?  Ranma NOT
marry Shampoo."

	Cologne broke into a peal of laughter.  "Uncanny!  No wonder why
Great-greanddaughter was so startled!  Oh, she forgives you-- now

Great-granddaughter

[snip]
 

	####

	"Never gives up, huh?"

	"Violen-- Akane got right.  Hibachan say prince lousy fighter but
tougher than lost boy.  Also stubborner.  Him not stop until beat
Ranma for hand in marriage or is ramen broth.  Maybe both."  Shampoo
was a LITTLE more calm, but Akane's Ranma act was still somewhat
unsettling.  

You used Hibachan here yet earlier you used Hiba-chan, you will 
need to pick one way and make sure that all occurrences agree.

Also, stubborner is not a valid comparative for stubborn, use more 
stubborn.

[snip]

	"Where wind come from?  We indoors."

Out of his mouth, and it was pretty hot too.

[snip]

	"Sunset," added Nabiki.  "You two win.  And I don't regret a yen
of it."  Expecially since she'd gotten the various poundings of the
prince via Ranma on tape-- and Kuno would pay BIG yen for copies of
his dream-woman pounding a rival while wearing that dress.  

Especially

But Kuno didn't recognize her.  Will he be bright enough to 
recognize her (even AFTER Nabiki explains it to him) or will he just 
think it is a tape of a benighted type who is ". . . not for him."  And, 
if he does recognize her, what will this do to his mental image of 
his "flame-haired goddess"?

[snip]

	"Well, this will-- after using it first with cold water,mind
you-- you will, using it and only it, be able to take hot baths
without changing-- or worrying about accidental changes either."

water, mind

[snip]

	"Not... exactly.  Since you are attempting to stay female rather
than male, I bought you something more useful."

bought or brought?

[snip]

----- 

A great fun read, full of laughs.  A very very nice job.  I'm looking 
forward to more episodes like this.

Brian


-- 
The Fountains Are Dusty In The Graveyard Of Dreams
The Hinges Are Rusty, They Swing With Tiny Screams.