On Sun, 9 May 1999, J. du Chatinier wrote:

Ey, Jod here (Huh? Who?:))

'Ello.

Just read your story, enjoyed it rather much and thought I'd give some
comments. 

Thanks!

    Kenji flinched.  He was in high school, and a junior no less.  
Only grade-schoolers and delinquents got a 'Please See Me'.  He 
wanted to scream; his hands were already shaking, ready to ball 
into defiant fists of rage.  But he held himself back a moment to 
collect ammo for his defense. 

****Maybe drop the already in 'already shaking'. 
-Collect ammo.. perhaps collect resolve would sound better.

I think perhaps just changing ammo to ammunition would work, too.  He's
really just trying to collect good points about his story to defend it.  I
thought ammunition was a good metaphor (if a little standard, admittedly).

shook his head and blinked forcefully.

****You seem to use a lot of 'again'. I would drop it at a few sentences,
his last one for example.

Good call.  I'll spray for them.  ^_^

    "Nothing."  Kenji took an objective look at his friend.  The 
face-wide grin showed most of his teeth, and was too deliberate to 
be ignored.

****What exactly is an objective look?

It's really impossible for real people, but where you shed all emotions
attached to a person or thing and just look without bias, just noting the
facts.  Of course, nobody can really do that in real life.

    "Why are you grinning like that?"
    "Oh, just happy, I guess."
    Kenji played along, though less enthusiastically than on 
other days.  "And why are you happy today?"
    "You know, it's a funny thing, that.  Happiness can take so 
many forms."
    "Really?  Which form did it take this time?"

***I rather like this exchange.

Thank you.

    "What did you get?" 
    "As long as it reaches its audience, that's all that counts." 
    "What did you get?" 
    "I think that, in time, this story will be looked upon 
favorably." 
    "That bad, huh?" 

****Alright, this is nice too.

Thanks again.  I enjoyed writing Ichiro and Kenji's conversations.  Very
close to me and my friends at times.  ^_^

****The sentence behind the comma, it reads a little.. awkwards. I think
it's the 'depths of the back' that doesn't really work.

Noted.

    "Don't worry about the note.  Mr. Motojima probably just 
wants to take more time with the serious writer here." 

***Okay.. maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker here, but I do not
fully understand what she wants to say with this sentence.

She's trying to make Kenji feel better, by saying that, even though Mr.
Motojima wrote "Please See Me", he didn't mean it in a bad way, that he
actually just wrote it to spend time working with Kenji on the story.  It
seems pretty established in the classroom that Kenji is "gonna be a
writer" and deserves more editing time with the teacher.

Man, if I need that much to explain one line... ^_^;;

white edges.  The sky was eternally blue, and one glance seemed to 
invite infinite pondering.  Mountains stood like sonnets, orderly, 
yet somehow unique and chaotic within themselves.  Kenji wanted 
desperately to write.

*****Okay, this is a very nice description of the writers block indeed.
Very nice, points for this man. :)

Thank you... I hope I didn't go too far over the top.  ^_^;

    Kenji blinked awake.  He felt warm, numb, like he was still 
wearing the cloak of an old lucid vision.  He lay there for a 
moment considering the dream, *and* wondering if he really saw his 
muse take a tumble at the end.

***I think the 'and' is out of place there.

Technically, it could go either way, but you're right in that it just
sounds better without it.  Thanks.

    Movement became suddenly difficult for Kenji, but he managed 

to wiggle himself off the bed, and successfully fell face-first to 
the carpeted floor.  As he spat out bits of lint, he peeked up 
over the edge of the bed.

**Funny, this.

Good.  I always worry about my humor sounding too forced.  ^_^

    "You're... oh boy."  Kenji gulped for air and sane recourse.  
"You're..."
    "Caravan."

*****Caravan?

Caravan:  "Yep, Caravan."
Kenji:  "Yeah, but what does it mean?"
Caravan:  "Well, it's like a big old travelling... line of people thing."
Kenji:  "I see..."
Caravan:  "...It sounds cool, though."
Kenji:  "Sure it does.  If you say so."

    Kenji stood up.  "Well then, what would you suggest, *your* 
great goddess of inspirationness?" 

***you could ditch the 'your' here.

I'll replace it with "O" (as in "o great exalted one" type of thing.)

 She took a couple of cautious 

steps, trying to keep her balance as she approached the closet.

****Why does she have trouble walking? Because she's just been 'born'?

(grins innocently)  Perhaps...

    Kenji grinned bashfully.  "Ah yes, the halcyon days of 
youth."

***Halcyon? Wuh, am gonna nead dictionary... :)

Peaceful.

    "Yes," Kenji started.  "Yes I do.  But, why do I need your 
help?  Where were you a month ago?  How about a week ago, when I 
had to write that C-minus paper I got back today?  Where were you 
then?"  Kenji's voice rose quickly, his fists balled.  Before he 
knew it, he was standing over Caravan, growling, ready to yell at 
any answer she could give.

***huh? Where did all the anger come from?

Kenji may have a little trouble dealing with it... I'm not entirely sure.
Sometimes he flies off the handle for no really good reason... Of course,
the stress of writer's block is a funny thing, and finding the cause (in
his mind) might lead to some aggressive questioning.

Well, that's just the things that came up while reading this. One of the
other things is that Kenji seems to accept her really easily, I mean, he
isn't very curious about her, is he? That strikes me as a bit strange. 

Of course, Keiichi was pretty convinced (after he saw the big ole flash of
Goddess-light) and so was Youta.  Perhaps having somebody appear out of
nowhere *and* having it be the person in the dream you just had may be
enough for a boy who's under stress ("Supper's ready!")

Of course, all comments I wrote are purely subjective and all that, bu'cha
know that.

As are mine.

Other then that, am looking forward to the next part.

Great!  It's due to the FFML next Wednesday!

See ya!


Jod
chatin@euronet.nl
http://www.euronet.nl/users/chatin/index.htm
ICQ- 12277187

--Matt


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