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Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 10:54:31 -0400
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From: Trevor Laughlin <laughlin@accessv.com>
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][NGE][Slayers][x-over][humorous] Cruel Lina's Thesis
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Greetings fans, the long awaited sequel to CRUEL LINA'S THESIS IS HERE!
but, FOR YOUR perusal, we've included CH1 and ch1 MSTing version as well
ENJOY!
-- Listar MIME Decryption --------------
Disclaimer: The Slayers characters and setting, as well as the Evangelion
characters and setting,
belong to some very nice people who aren't us. Please, `very nice'
people, don't sue us. This is
not meant to infringe on copyright, and is not meant to make money.
Anyone who's read fanfics
knows this. Please feel free to distribute this as you like.
Before you start flaming us, realize that we INTENDED this fic to be
corny, goofy and generally
bad. It's a joke. We would REALLY like this to get the MST3K treatment.
Really. We mean
it.
If you have intelligent commentary, (not just "I like it" or "It's good"
or "I laughed until milk
came out my nose") we will a) wonder if you actually read it and b) take
it into serious
consideration.
Please send all commentary to: Laughlin@accessv.com
No Angels were hurt during the production of this fanfic (well, except
Bloanawltuhel, but can
you blame us?).
* A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover *
* *
* Cruel Lina's Thesis *
* *
* Part 1: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to... *
Introduction
----------------
"DIGGER BOLT!" Blue arcs of electricity leapt from Lina Inverse's
hands. The scarlet
haired-sorceress wiped her brow after sending another crowd of the
strange, black-clad warriors
to their final reward. "Y'know Gaurry, these guys in black are
persistent, but they aren't very
skilled. Why are they after you, anyway?"
<Clang clang AIIEEE!> Gaurry was occupied for the moment, mowing his
way through a
small legion of the shadowy warriors. "I sorta busted into their temple
and ran off with some
heirloom sword or something." Realizing this sounded bad, he kept
talking. "But they're a clan
of assassins, so it's not like I'm really stealing, Right?."
Lina laughed and let off another spell, sending more black-masks
running for cover. "It's
about TIME you got the idea, Gaurry! There's hope for you yet!"
On top of a pile of former elite warriors, the young girl known as
Amelia Wil Tesla
Saillune clasped her hands warmly to her breast. "Oh Mister Gaurry! Your
shining example of
justice in action is an inspiration to..." While winding up for yet
another long-winded
dissertation on the virtues of virtue, even more `master assassins' crept,
fearfully forward hoping
to rid the world of such bad prose. However, without breaking cadence,
"... and the fish of the
air and the birds of the -FIREBALL- seas have....." she disintegrated the
intrepid band of
disposable warriors into a pile of black ash.
<ZOT!> Again, more ash. "I can't believe that I'm related to this
flake. The only thing
that we possibly share in common is that our breasts are still bigger than
a certain physically
immature sorceress we all know and despise." said Naga, giggling maniacally.
There came a calm to the battle, the type of calm that forebodes
greater destruction. The
type of calm that tends to send incidental characters running for cover.
Doubtlessly, this came
about because the (all right, let's just spit it out. Ok? They're ninjas;
everyday regular disposable
ninjas) enemy, who was not blind, noticed an actinic blue glow around Lina.
She was pissed.
Amelia, being quite familiar with the older sorceress' fits of anger,
opted to be the voice
of reason. "Lina? Lina? That's... that might not be a very good idea."
Lina, who is often deaf to the voice of reason, " I. Have. Had. Just.
About. Enough. Of.
You. You. Tag-along. Talentless. Wannabe. Sorceress."
Gaurry and Amelia looked to each other seeking confirmation that this
was 'really' a bad
thing. Lina's aura, by this time, was shifting through the united colours
of Beneton. Yes, this was
'really' a bad thing.
"Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..." Lina began
the incantation to
the most powerful spell in black magic.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod Miss Lina's really casting it!
WhatamIgonnado?!" Amelia
ran in a small, hysterical circle.
"Buried in the flow of time..."
"Of course!" Amelia hastily pulled a grease-stained, wine-soaked
scroll from her belt
pouch, and flipped it open. "Aaah! This is so stained from the bar fight
last night I can hardly
read it! <under her breath> not that I really know how to read this
language anyway."
"in thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness!"
"Umm... By the holy wings of... Mayonnaise?... bear us swiftly and
surely and...ah! there
isn't enough time for me to read this! Umm... swiftly and surely and...
yaddayaddayadda upright,
locked position,..."
"Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess!"
"Klaatu, Barata, Blahblahblahyakkityshmakkity...BALDUR'S GATE!"
"DRAGU SLAVE!!"
This, dear readers, is when something WENT HORRIBLY WRONG ;.... as
expected. It
wouldn't be much of a crossover if it didn't.
The resulting sphere of raw, semi-focused power cast the heroes and
heroines away. Who
cares about the ninjas. Those that could still walk reformed their evil
ways and opened up a line
of fast food restaurants; Ninja-hut <we only deliver at night, through
skylights>.
-----------------------------
Back in the 'real' world
-----------------------------
KABOOM! A large cross shaped explosion dominated the Tokyo-3 skyline.
followed by
a series of small explosions as bits of the angel (dubbed Bloanawltuhel)
lived up to his namesake
and spread pieces of it's carcass all across the city.
"Stand down from condition red. Mobilize the recovery and repair
teams. Good job
pilots, another day, another angel." For Misato and the remainder of the
staff at NERV, it was
just another typical save-the-world day.
Over the comm channels, chatter could be heard among the pilots. "Did
you see that head
shot? I am just soooooo good. What do you think of that 'Great and
Glorious Shinji'?"
commented the pilot of EVA-02.
"I'm sorry." Said Shinji
"What are you apologizing for you doorknob!"
"I don't know. I think I have to apologize for something, but I'm not
sure what."
"Grow a spine you half-wit"
"I'm sorry." Shinji again.
"Stop that!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Alright! Both of you! Cut it out!". Turning to the commander, Misato
posed a question,
"Sir are you sure we couldn't just shoot them all? Come on, this is the
30th angel we've fought. I
thought there was only supposed to be 17?"
"No Ms. Katsuragi, we still require the services of the children."
replied the commander,
staring cooly at the screen; face unmoving, eye's unflinching. " The
administration would frown
on you removing the primary actors. We've got merchandising rites to
consider. And sequels,
Neon Genesis Voyager is due to premier this fall. We have to milk this
cash cow for all she's
worth, especially since the budgets's been cut again."
"Again!" cried Misato, her face silhouetted against a blue streaked
background. " Does
that mean we're going to have to use cheap animation techniques and re-use
stock footage."
"Yes Ms. Katsuragi. I'm afraid so." replied the commander, staring
cooly at the screen;
face unmoving, eye's unflinching.
"Again!" cried Misato, her face silhouetted against a blue streaked
background. "That's
horrible. I tell you commander, we're about at the end of our tether. I
heard rumours,..." walking
up and whispers to him. "I've heard that some of the staff are considering
getting positions at
Animeigo."
"No Ms. Katsuragi, I'm afraid not. Their efforts are in vain. We are
all property of
Gainax. They cannot leave. We won't let them." replied the commander,
staring cooly at the
screen; face unmoving, eye's unflinching. "Recall the Evangelions and
their pilots and begin
repairs to the city I'm going to see my hairdresser."
"No your not, you're going to consult the Dead Sea Scrolls so you can
figure out what's
going to happen to us next."
Shocked at the blatant revelation of one of his most guarded secrets
he adamantly
protested, "No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I've booked an
appointment with Renaldo for 3
weeks and he's finally made time for me today."
"But wasn't his shop destroyed in this angel attack?"
Stumped, Ikari got desperate, "Look over there, the 31st angel! It
looks just like Jerry
Springer", and quickly ducks out. While the NERV crew indulged their
commanders lame
attempt at a distraction, and Asuka continued to be angry at Shinji for
apologizing (for which he
apologized), the all seeing eyes of Rei Ayanami in EVA-00 looked out onto
the city seeing all
that transpired; including the group of historically inaccurate warriors
huddled in the remains of
a building.
-----------------------------
Back with our original cast
-----------------------------
"nnng. nnNnng." Lina Inverse painfully pulled herself up into a
sitting position, and
favoured Amelia with a baleful glare. The younger sorceress, just now
waking up, was dangling
by one boot-top from an outcropping of rubble. After making sure her jaw
still worked, Lina
addressed her. "You realize this is all your fault."
"Wow. That was incredible. I've NEVER wielded such magic before,
and I righteously
saved us all from certain death! I'm having the best day of my life!" So
saying, Amelia fell out
of her boot and knocked herself unconscious on the ground.
"Well," Naga said, dusting off her dress. "At least we're alive, no
thanks to the red-headed
psycho.." She paused to take a good look around. She froze.
"Naga?" Gaurry waved a hand in front of her face. "Hey Lina.
Something's wrong with
Naga."
Stuttering, Naga gaped, "B-b-b-b-big. IT's just so,..... big."
Gaurry was mistakenly impressed. Then he turned around and realized
what was drawing
Naga's attention. "GIANT!"
Standing less than 500m away (for you Yanks, it's not very far),
Eva-00 was slowly
sinking into the ground through one of the NERV access ports staring at
them with its one
lifeless eye.
Wiser members of the party, ie. Lina, were ducking for cover.
Everyone else was either
to stunned to move or already unconscious. This was wise as at this time
the city chose to rise up
like so many daisies on steroids.
Amelia who had regained consciousness, wondered if she was
hallucinating
Lina, " I don't think we're in Saillune anymore."
The Slayers cast looked on as the city surfaced. All that could be
heard in the
background, aside from the whirring of the motors that were raising the
strange tall buildings,
was the yapping of a small beige dog over the remanets of a corpse buried
under the rubble of
a building. All that could be seen of the cadaver was a pair of striped
socks.
"Kakkoi!" said the youngest sorceress, squealing in delight. "A city.
Rising from the
darkness of devastation into the glory of the shining light of heaven.
This is SO COOL!"
Lina (whispering to Naga), "Don't look at me. She's your sister."
Naga (whispering back), "Stop reminding me."
Gaurry, posing theatrically, spotlight centering on him atop a pile
of caved-in ceiling.
Amongst the detritus were arms and legs and half-covered torsos in
lingerie. "OH the humanity."
he orated with all the subtlety of back bacon (or a certain toupee topped
captain). "Look at the
devastation or spell hath wrought. So many poor defenceless nubile women
stripped,... of their
humanity (he hastened to add). So much blood shed needlessly... Hey, where
is the blood?"
*at this point, Malehelicon, Muse of bad Fanfics glides in and gives
Gaurry a Silver
Mally for most pointless soliloquy
A small pebble bounced off of the swordsman's head. Lina gave him a
stern look.
"They're just statues, moron."
Amelia stood one of the mannequins up. "Why would you put clothes on
a statue?"
Naga put on a superior expression and dismissed such silly questions
with a wave.
"Obviously this was some sort of market, and the statues were modelling
the wares available.
These garments must be the standard local fashions." Naga the Serpent
chuckled to herself.
"Though if these statues are to represent the average woman of this place,
Lina is even farther
below average thaAIIIEEEE!"
Lina shook sparks off of her fingers as Naga landed in a strange,
odd-smelling booth
labelled `Starbucks'.
"You two cut that out." Gaurry admonished. "That's what got us into
this mess in the first
place."
"Now just wait a minute! It was Amelia's spell that-" Lina began to
object, but was cut
off by the sound of an approaching vehicle. She and Gaurry quickly ducked
for cover. Amelia,
oblivious to everything, continued to explore the wreckage for `typical
clothing' to try on.
"Say guys, I'm going to try some of this stuff on, okay." Amelia
stated as she ducked into
a secluded corner. "Call me if you need anything."
Lina nodded without really paying attention and continued to watch
the vehicle approach.
The truck pulled up across the street from them, and disgorged a dozen
uniformed workers. One
worker set up barricades. The others leaned on shovels and had lunch.
"How did that thing move without horses to pull it?" Gaurry
scratched his head.
"It's obviously a magically powered vehicle of some kind. Do I have
to explain
EVERYTHING to you?" Lina grabbed his shirt front and whispered forcefully
at him.
As the two continued to observe, activity returned to the city's
streets. People of all ages
and descriptions began bustling around about their business. A group of
uniformed young
people about Lina's age sauntered, chatting amongst themselves, past the
work crew. The girls
among them received cat-calls and wolf-whistles.
"One again, Gold-fish-faeces was wrong (thank the gods).", as Lina
imagines herself
walking around in one of Those outfits.
As if on cue, "So? Do I look cute or what?".
*announcers voice* 'Amelia is modelling one of our finest models from the
fall line of Victoria
Secret? What's her secret? Well, whatever it is, she's not hiding it on
her person. Please note the
amount of exposed cleavage and the G-string panties.
Gaurry notes both.... and.... bleeding lightly from the nose.....
mumbled about the cruelty
of nature.
Lina was very shocked to note how GOOD Amelia looked in the lacy pink
nothing. Ok.
Time for a reality dose (and revenge). Beckoning the model, "Amelia. I
hate to break this to you
but,.... look here."
After receiving a good dose of what the populous is sporting in terms
of current fashion
(and after turning redder than the outfit she was wearing) Amelia gave off
a strangled squeal and
dashed off to the shadows.
"My my, Lina. We are being cruel today." Naga said, brushing the
Mocha-mocha-frappachino
out of her hair. "Well now that we know what they're wearing here, let us
disguise
ourselves in the native's garb. Lina, there's a store with little girl's
clothes overAaaaaaieeee!!"
Eventually, the dust cleared and the intrepid band of misfits
wandered out onto the
streets dressed, passably well in standard school uniforms (though
Gaurry's was a bit small and
Naga's was a bit tight). Probably the only flaw to the entire ensemble was
that they were carrying
their swords openly.
"Now what do we do?"
------------------------------
Meanwhile at NERV HQ
------------------------------
"SHINJIII! Are you peeking!?" Asuka's voice shook the walls in the
change room.
"No, Asuka." Shinji replied glumly, focussing more closely on his task.
"Well why the hell not?"
With a start, Shinji snapped awake from his daydream. He rubbed the
sore side of his
face where Asuka had just slapped him for supposed peeking.
"You WERE peeking, weren't you?" Asuka, wrapped in a towel, stood
astride Shinji's
prone form.
"No no, I swear! I just wanted to know when you and Rei were going
to be finished in
there!" The third child clapped his hands over his eyes.
Asuka, realizing why he just covered his eyes, fumed again, and began
kicking him.
"You little pervert! Taking advantage of a sweet, helpless young woman!"
She indignantly
kicked him one more time for good measure, and stomped over to the girl's
side of the locker
room.
Shinji tentatively peeked out from between his fingers, only to spot
Rei coming out of the
shower, naked as the day she was, uh, `born'. The blue-haired girl just
looked at him for a long
moment, and walked away silently.
Shinji groaned and pulled himself off the floor and headed for the
shower. "I hate my
life."
------------------------------
In a mysterious, darkened room...
------------------------------
"...so you see, ever since the twenty-seventh Angel attack, sales of
Eva breakfast cereal
are up forty-two percent." A nondescript young man in a very cheap suit
pointed at an
illuminated graphic of a mountain range.
He stood in a blackened room before a group of the world's most
powerful men. Men
who were only illuminated by coloured spotlights shining from their desks.
One man smiled over his steepled fingers. "Eeexcellent. Sadly, you
now know so much
you are a risk to us, and so must be eliminated. Smithers, remove him."
Smithers, not important enough to merit a desk and colour of his own
(if he'd acquired
one, he'd probably demand pink and that colour was already taken) used his
pocket pen-light to
illuminate his face. "Yes Mr. Burns."
A small square hole opened up beneath the young executive, dropping
him, screaming,
out of sight.
Back to Burns, "Now, Commander Ikari, what have you to report from
the scriptwriters
revisions of the dead sea scrolls."
"Well," he replied, "Due to our continual budget cutbacks, we've had
to downgrade our
staff from 20 professional writers to 2 hacks who've written bad fanfics
over the web."
"Do they work cheap?"
"They work for peanuts. Also, ramen and doughnuts. Beer helps."
"Excellent."
"You know, Burnsie" comments one of the other, "you say 'excellent' a
whole lot."
Another one comments, "You talk to much! No EVA for you! YOU get out!"
"And what do you have to say Mr. Hat?"
"You DIE! You DIE and go HELL!"
"Have you been drinking again MR Garrison?"
"Who's talking at the moment?"
"I've lost track."
"Well, I guess we should go to a different scene, Then."
------------------------------
Well, that was a waste of time...
------------------------------
"THIS IS SO COOL!!" Amelia couldn't contain herself amongst the
wonders of this
strange world. Dashing from shop window to shop window like a spastic
pinball on speed, she
was erupting with high-pitched glee. Lina and the others were attempting
to stop their stomachs
>from erupting while watching her.
"MUST you do that?" Naga scolded, hands on hips. She stopped
quickly after noticing
this put undue stress on her already over-tight blouse.
The four companions had been wandering around the strange city for
hours and had
made their way to another, less-destroyed marketplace. They had found the
locals called these
places `mauls', and the press of the crowds suggested why. Despite their
native garb, they still
seemed to attract undue attention. All were at a loss to explain why.
"Why is everyone staring at us?" Gaurry asked, brandishing his sword
at a woman poised
to rush past him into a place called `Versace of Tokyo-3'.
"Umm." Lina, who had been wearing a worried expression for several
minutes, tugged
on Amelia's sleeve. "Have you noticed that nobody around here but the
city guards is carrying
weapons openly?"
Amelia looked at Lina, Then looked at Gaurry. Her eyes grew wide.
"Uh-oh."
"DELINQUENTS!!!"
(yes, it is her)
Naga was the first to turn to the strange young voice, but didn't see
anyone looking at
them.
"Down here, you naughty, naughty person!" The voice was effervescent
and... cute (if
not overly annoying).
Naga looked down, and the other three came over to see what the
commotion was.
Standing in front of them was a cute, brown-haired girl. She couldn't
have been more than 8
years old, and she was wearing a light yellow dress with a white sash.
The sash read `Truancy
Officer'.
"Who the heck are you, little girl?" Lina asked with some degree of
arrogance,
confidence buoyed by her `physical advantage' over the pre-pubescent girl.
Puffing herself up as much as possible, the young child said, "I am
Miss Hinako, truancy
officer of Tokyo-3. And YOU are skipping school, delinquent!"
"But we're not studenmphplrmph.....!" Naga silenced Gaurry with her
hand over his
mouth.
"That's right. That's right. We're students. Yup. Just your everyday,
plain, old, average ,
run-of-the-mill students."
"Hrmph. I knew it. Students playing hooky. Just because your city
gets periodically
destroyed, you think that that's an excuse for missing a school day. Well,
you are sorely
mistaken, young lady."
Maniacal laughter rang around the mall as Naga expressed her deep
amusement at this
idea, "ME? Young? Well look who's talking. You're not even ready for your
first training bra yet.
Even Lina's tiny pea pods are years ahead of....."
"NAGA!" Lina, fists clenched, stomped towards Naga.
Gaurry, in an aside to Amelia, "I hope you have another one of Those
'teleports' ready."
Hinako interjected, "You ARE delinquents! I knew it." Aiming a small
coin at Lina she
yelled, "Happo-5-yen-satsu!"
At the utterance of these words, a glowing yellow light is sucked
from Lina's body
through the 5 yen piece and into the now rapidly maturing Hinako.
Lina, looking wan and drained, crumples to a heap on the ground, a
look of shock and
disbelief on her face. "Her- Her breasts are so big now! How is that
possible!?"
Naga, fearing for her own safety, manages to bite back a snappy
comment. Gaurry, not
quite as wisely, approaches the now-adult Hinako. <pokepoke> "Are Those
real?"
WHOP.
Hinako casually tossed aside the now-shattered wooden mallet. "Now
that you
delinquents have been disciplined, it's time for you to go to school."
Grabbing the helpless Lina
and unconscious Gaurry by their collars, she dragged them away. Naga and
Amelia had no
choice but to follow them.
As they disappear in the distance, two voices drifted back. "Teach
me how to do that."
"No."
"PLEEEASE?"
"No."
"I'll teach you the Dragon Slave in return."
"No."
------------------------------
Well, that was a waste of time...
------------------------------
A spectacled, mousey-haired boy lounged at his desk, half-heartedly
playing with a
scale-model Tank. "So, Toji, did you here we're getting four new students
today?"
"Again? Geez, Kensuke, that seems like a fruitless inclusion of new
characters into a
dying series in hopes of boosting ratings. Didn't anyone learn anything
from The Cosby Show?"
The larger boy ran a hand disgustedly through his crew-cut.
Shinji looked up from his desk. "You're just upset that you haven't
been featured in any
episodes since that bad Nike promo in the fourth season."
[Flashback to Eva-03 dashing over mountains and through valleys,
finally skidding to a
halt just in front of Tokyo-3. The camera freezes, showing 03 wearing
Tractor-trailer sized Air
Jordans. Voice over: Just do it. Camera resumes, showing swoosh-shaped
AT field.]
Shinji shudders.
Toji, desiring to balance his shot ego by deflating Shinji's (hrmph,
now that'll be hard)
snaps back, "OH yeah? What about your Mountain Dew stint."
[Flashback to Eva-01 falling out of the Eva sky-carrier with a bungee
cord and a tanker
of Mountain dew clenched in it's hand (random yelling, screaming and
cheering in the
background).]
Shinji, frowning retorted. "Yeah, well. At least our spots were
better than Asuka's."
"SHINJI! DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT SPOT AGAIN" Could sweet, innocent
Asuka have been eavesdropping on the conversation?
[Flashback to Asuka in an insertion plug, looking solemnly at the
camera. "Sometimes, in
my insertion plug, just feels,.... you know,.... not so fresh. That's why
I use...."]
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Shinji desperately tried to loose
himself from Asuka's
stranglehold.
"Stop apologizing or I'll remind you of Rei's Microsoft add!"
<the entire class visibly shuddered>
"Ok. Enough you two, sensei's coming back with the new students."
The class quieted down to hear the first of the 4 new students
introduce themselves.
"Hello. My name is Gaurry Gabriev."
_______________
Fin
_______________