I don't usually like sending out incomplete works, but I figure
I've kept some people waiting long enough. So, here's a little bit. It's
not even halfway done, I imagine, so it'll be a while before I can send
out the whole thing (no more segments until it's done). Plus, it's sort of
a parting gift for the EVA ML.... Enjoy.
The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright October 42, 19xx
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member
begun August 25, 1998
As always, there are big, bad spoilers.
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they
are). ADV Films has the rights to the English translation.
Here we go!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Whee! This is so much fun!"
The writer was using PICO...on his Win95 machine. Not logged on at his
UNIX account. (Thanks to Thomas Kinnen for pointing out PC-PINE and
PC-PICO.)
"I mean, this is just so cool!"
The writer really needs a life. Oh well, at least he's getting part 4
going, yes?
************************************************
Far, far above, doom approached, and it was the 14th Angel.
It was big. It was menacing. It was powerful. It was the Angel of
Might, Zeruel. It was....
"Why are you watching TV on the monitors? You know the commander's
going to kill you if he catches you."
"Hey, gimme a break. You know how much I love watching these parades.
Floats, bands, those big balloons...."
It was supposed to be watched for by the many eyes turned heavenward
around the world, as per NERV's budget. Take, for instance, one
observation station somewhere in North America....
"I don't care. I'm not having my butt tanned because you get bored on
the job." *click*
"Hey!" *click*
"Read a book or something!" *click*
"Who the frag reads anything anymore?" *click*
"I do!" *click*
"What, those damn porno books?" *click*
"Wha--I--that's not pornography, that's...'erotic literature'!"
*click*
"Right, porn." *click*
*click* *click* *click* *clickclickclickclickclickclick* "OW! Leggo my
arm! Argh!"
"Heh! Right! Now, I'm gonna watch this parade, right? And...what is
_that_ thing?"
"...looks like the most hideous balloon ever buil...made...sewn
together. What's with that little face? And the arms...they look like
folded up toilet paper."
"..." *click* And the monitor switched off. "Never mind."
The thing is, the 14th Angel also did, indeed, look like a really
bizarre parade balloon. The timing could not have been worse.
"Now, would you let go of my arm?"
"Right, right, sorry."
"Ow. Damn, you bastard, that hurt."
"...say, you got any...can I maybe borrow one of your porno novels?"
"I said, it's erotic literature, not porn!"
"Whatever."
It definitely could not have been worse.
***
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 4:
The Good, the Bad, and the Really Ugly Angel
by Andrew Huang
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions
***
Asuka was home.
"Hey, look at what my aunt sent me!"
Joining her were the usual suspects.
"It's not another brick masquerading as cake, is it?"
There was a *whap* as Asuka gently shut Kensuke up. "No, this is from
my aunt in Germany. Marzipan!"
"Hey, they look like little fruits! Neat!" Hikari scooted closer to
look at Asuka's giftbox. "They're candy?"
"Yeah. Have one." Asuka plucked a banana-shaped piece out of the box
and tossed it to her friend. She looked up, then took out a few more and
handed them around.
Touji peered at his piece of candy--it was in the shape of an apple--
with a suspicious air, and was elbowed in the gut.
Hikari turned back to her friend, examining her piece of marzipan, and
said, "They're so well made. It's almost a crime to eat it." She then
promptly popped it into her mouth. "Hmm...it's pretty good!"
"Ah, there's plenty here, don't worry about it. Here, Misato, have one
too."
"Thanks." She caught the expertly aimed sweet as she walked in from
the kitchen.
Shinji, after sniffing at his mini-orange a bit, shrugged, and ate his
share. "Yeah. Pretty good." He swallowed.
"What is it made of?" asked Rei.
"It's almond paste, processed and stuff. Great for molding, so that's
why...Shinji? You okay?"
"Almond paste?" asked Misato. She glanced over at her ward, who had
frozen up at the word "almond".
Asuka nodded, slowly. "Yeah...why?"
"Shinji has this allergic reaction to almonds," said Kensuke,
cheerfully. "It happened once, 'bout a month before you got here. Say,
can I have another one?"
"Allergy?"
Misato nodded. "In about an hour, he's going to throw up everything
he's eaten in the past day or so."
Shinji started turning green.
"Well, when I say 'in about an hour', I mean, he _starts_ in about an
hour, you see. The whole thing takes him up to another hour and a half
to finish, if he's eaten a lot. And you saw how he stuffed himself last
night."
Shinji turned purplish.
"After he's done with that, then, for at least the next twelve hours,
he gets these dry heaves of which the likes have never been seen.
Outside of his case, that is."
The colors in Shinji's face compromised on a pasty, grayish tone, and
he slumped down in his seat. Rei was over to his side in an instant.
"And that was from one almond that he accidentally picked out of a can
of what was supposed to be only cashews. Now, when you say almond paste,
do you mean it's kind of concentrated?"
Asuka nodded. "I think it would be."
"Oh, damn. I'm calling Commander Ikari."
Asuka considered this for a long while, blinking. She finally managed,
lamely, "Oh. Sorry about that, Shinji. I didn't know."
With every ounce of misery that could possibly be stuffed into his
voice, Shinji answered, "You will, now."
------------------------------------------------
Gendou's glasses slid down his nose. He pushed them back up.
His cellular phone rang. As he reached to pick it up, his glasses slid
down again.
"Ikari here." He shoved his glasses up. "Almonds? Again?" He sighed.
"This will be inconvenient."
His glasses drooped.
"Very well. Keep me informed of his condition. And--I do not mean for
you to call me every time he vomits. Right? Good." He hung up.
Fuyutsuki coughed. "That allergy again?"
"Yes. What's worse, it seems like he ate more than last time. A piece
of marzipan."
"Marzipan?"
"Yes, it's this really delicious almond paste. They make it in Europe.
Around Germany, Switzerland, that area. Love it myself, and Yui did
too," said Gendou, rather happily. Fuyutsuki blinked. "But, as it would
happen, this son of mine has the misfortune of having an allergy to
almonds." He nudged his glasses up, but they simply followed his fingers
back down. "Damn."
Fuyutsuki shook himself off. "You seem to be doing that a lot more
than usual, sir. The glasses thing."
"Well, if you must know," said Gendou, removing his specs and tapping
on the frame, "the last time Rei and I, ah, argued, I landed on my face.
This hinge here is all bent."
The Subcommander barely suppresed a snort.
"Anyway, you see how it is. Plus, when I'm looking down, it can fall
right off my face. I have to hold them up whenever I read."
"Ah."
"And I get downright nervous whenever I'm standing at a urinal."
"...right, sir." I really didn't need to know that.
------------------------------------------------
Misato was presently putting down some plastic sheeting on the
bathroom floor around the toilet. Meanwhile, Touji had gone home to
fetch a pair of his rollerblading kneepads for Shinji's use, accompanied
by Hikari.
Shinji was being cuddled up to by Rei on the couch, who was stroking
his hair and murmuring to him reassuringly. It must be noted, however,
that she seemed poised to jump away in a moment, and was keeping her
boyfriend facing the hallway to the loo.
Asuka looked on in bemusement. "Why didn't you try to throw it up
earlier, anyway? Maybe if you got it out of you quickly enough...."
"Wouldn't work," mumbled Shinji. "I think I absorb whatever it is
straight through my stomach walls. By the time you were saying that the
stuff was made out of almonds, my mouth and throat were already
itching."
"Oh. Well, I'm really sorry. Really."
"Urk," replied Shinji. His eyes bulged.
"The bathroom's over there, Shinji-kun." Rei popped her head up from
behind the couch. She walked over to his side, a slight distance away.
"Need some help?"
Shinji merely fell to the ground and scrabbled his way towards the
bathroom, followed closely (though maybe not too closely) by Rei.
"Ack! Shinji, let me out of the bathroom fi--oh, my slippers!"
"At least you did have the foresight to put down the plastic sheets,
Katsuragi-san. Shinji-kun, try not to miss the bowl this time...."
The music of a discontented stomach filled the air.
Asuka grimaced. "Oh, yuk." She tried to shut out the sounds from the
bathroom. Seeking a distraction, she looked around. "Hey, Kensuke.
You're still here?"
Kensuke gave a slight start. "Oh! Yeah. I am. Here. Er." He scratched
his head nervously. "Er. I, uh, found these. On the way here." He pulled
some daisies out of his backpack and held them out. "For you. Um."
Asuka blinked. This was not natural, not at all. "Ah. Thanks." She
took the slightly wilted flowers, and looked back at him. Their eyes
met....
"Are you okay, Kensuke? You look a little sick."
"I'm fine! I am! Really. Er."
Asuka smiled, a worried smile.
Down the hall, Rei frowned, and sighed slightly.
The front door opened. "Hey, guys, I found my kneepads." Touji
stopped, listening. "Sorry, I seem to be a little late."
------------------------------------------------
Some time later....
Rei walked back to her apartment, accompanied by Touji and Hikari.
"Hey, Rei, are you feeling okay?"
"Oh, I'm fine, I am. Just a little worried about Shinji...." She
walked on in silence for a few moments. "He'll be fine, though. He's
gone through this already, and I know he's strong, healthy guy."
Rei missed the coughing fit that suddenly attacked Touji, as well as
the whap upside the head that he received from his girlfriend. "But I'm
also worried about Kensuke and Asuka. I don't think it's working."
Touji stopped coughing and looked up. "You don't? He brought her some
flowers and all today, right? And I saw her smiling."
Hikari shook her head. "Wrong kind of smile. I think she was a
little...um, put off by it. I know Asuka, and she really wasn't
comfortable, there."
"Huh." Touji sighed, and groaned. "Kensuke must be screwing the whole
thing up, then. He's never really been one to charm to girls. Heh, not
like me."
*thwap*
"Maybe. I guess I'll have to, um, check in on him, then." Rei ignored
the little squabble that had erupted behind her, and turned a corner to
go off toward her apartment complex. "I hope it works.... Well, I'll see
you later, then."
------------------------------------------------
"Is it over?" asked Asuka. She was answered first by a toilet flush.
"Gah, who could believe he had that much in him?"
A woozy Shinji staggered out of the bathroom, and tried to look at
Asuka in the eye, as much as a guy whose head and neck were imitating a
freshly sprung Jack-in-the-box could do so. "I...think so. Uh. Hngk."
Asuka felt herself starting to get a bit ill herself from the bobbing
and weaving, so she blinked and looked away. "Are you sure? And what
about the, um...."
"Don't worry about it, Asuka," grumbled Misato as she emerged from the
bathroom behind Shinji. She was looking a bit tired, and slightly pale.
"He feels a few kilos lighter now. That should be all. As for the dry
heaves...that's _his_ problem now."
"Gfhln." Shinji slumped against the wall. His body was still making
odd noises, from around the middle regions.
Asuka still felt a little guilty about this all, and she asked, "Well,
um, do you need any help? Some water? No, not even water, I guess. Can
you get back to your room all right?" She looked down the hall...about
two meters to Shinji's room.
"Ngh. No thanks." Despite his obvious discomfort, Shinji managed to
stand up straight, and with a determined (if swirly-eyed) glare, he
marched to his room, turned to enter, and then fell down through the
open doorway.
"Oh, boy."
"Haaaarglk!"
------------------------------------------------
The Subcommander entered the men's room. He happened upon Gendou, who
was vigorously scrubbing his eyeglasses in the sink while letting out a
muttered string of curses. There were some wet patches on the floor.
Fuyutsuki looked at Gendou, who had stopped and now squinted back.
"Not a word, Fuyutsuki. Not a word."
------------------------------------------------
"All present and accounted for, Chair. Except for Lazy, but she never
comes anyway."
One may wonder why an imaginary council within the mind of one person
would need to call roll during one of its not-really-existent meetings,
which happened every un-evening.
"Thank you, Bailiff," said Original, addressing Professional, who had
been assigned that position for the time being. She laid down her gavel
and arranged the notes on her unreal desk.
Then again, one may first wonder why such a dream-council would exist
anyway. However, Ayanami Rei is certainly a special sort of person, and
allowances should be made. Not to mention, the thought of a roomful of
Ayanamis make the fanboys drool.
Original surveyed the council room, noting the changes that had taken
place since the first meeting. For one thing, almost everyAyanami was
starting to dress differently. She herself and Book (and a few others)
still kept the school dress, and Professional was still in the plug
suit, but Kickboxer now donned a gi, Irate had a t-shirt sprinkled with
expletives, Lazy was constantly wearing pajamas (when she could be
found), Affectionate put on things which would concentrate the attention
of the fanboys quite well, provided they remained conscious....
And that was just the Councillors. The chambers had been redecorated,
mostly by Affectionate. You couldn't look anywhere without setting your
eye on a poster of Shinji. Fortunately, Common Sense managed to persuade
Affectionate to use some good taste in the effort. Otherwise, Nervous
would have fainted upon entering. Or maybe spontaneously combusted.
"Very good. The Council is called to order.... First on the agenda is
our attempt to set up Aida Kensuke and Souryuu Asuka Langley. Memos from
Book on the events at Souryuu's coming-home party have already been
circulated, so we will not go over them here."
She paused a moment. "Ah, I do trust that everyone read the memo?"
Original's gaze swept over the room, noting with something akin to
satisfaction that only a few tried to avoid it. Book did likewise, then
nodded and smiled slightly. "All right. Hacker, please give your report
of this evening's communications with Aida."
An Ayanami in torn jeans *ahem* and a loose flannel shirt with wildly
colored hair (as opposed to the normal, unremarkable ice-blue) walked up
to the front of the room. Well, not really walked, so much as slouched
in an ambulatory manner. She paused to toss an empty bag of potato chips
in a trash can before making it to the podium.
"Well, yeah.... So I got through to him again, y'know, talked to him.
Asked him why it wasn't working. He said it's not his fault, he's trying
his best, all that. Told him that he's got to do better, he says it's
our fault that the plans suck, yadda yadda--"
"Could you please be a little more specific, Hacker?"
"Yeah, I guess."
They waited.
"_Would_ you please be a little more specific, Hacker?"
"All right. He said he was following the plans just like we said, so
it wasn't his fault that things weren't working. Answered that he's
acting all nervous when they talk, which is why it isn't working, so it
_is_ his fault. He started to argue back, I think, but that was when I
noticed that he was tracing the connection."
Nervous blinked, and jumped up. "Did, did he find us? Or come close?"
"...the Chair recognizes Nervous." She never does remember to wait to
be called on.
Hacker looked back at Nervous with a slight smirk. "No. I'm too good
for him. But I did kill the connection right away, just to be safe.
Y'know."
"Anything else to report?"
"Hmm...nah. That's it."
Hacker stepped down and slouched her way back to her seat. Original
stood again, after reading a few more lines on her agenda notes. "Now,
for the next order of business...a motion by Nervous on a wardrobe
change." There was murmuring in the seats--wardrobe change? From
Nervous? Sure, she had been trying to loosen up lately.... "In her own
words, 'Um, kinda, well, I guess, maybe we can wear our socks a little
lower down...maybe a centimeter or two? Yeah.'"
Everbody except for Nervous, Book, and Original sighed. Affectionate
stood up.
"The Chair recognizes Affectionate."
"I would like to propose an addendum to this...."
"...go ahead."
"I move that we add the measure that we wear nothing else for
Shinji-kun."
"NO!!"
------------------------------------------------
[What on Earth is that?] asked Melchior.
[Well,] said Balthasar, slowly, [Caspar has been watching that odd
American parade wossname that's being televised. Perhaps this is one of
the rejects?]
[Do you suppose they decided to cut it loose because it looks so bad?]
[Sounds about right.]
[How'd it get all the way over here, though?]
[Bad luck? I'm getting a headache looking at it.]
[We don't have heads that can ache, Balthasar.]
[Oh...parse me, you little binary operator!]
------------------------------------------------
***
To be continued....
***
First of all, I'd like to dedicate this part to one "T. Ito", who sent
the following message:
************************************************
Date: Sun, 26 Jul 1998 19:58:57 -0300
From: T.ITO <t.ito@domain deleted>
To: alhuang@hcs.harvard.edu
Subject: The Fanfics
All your fanfics suck!!!!!!!!
************************************************
This was my first random flame. Whee! I asked this fellow why he felt
this way, but I never did get a reply....
Also, having seen the new outtake bits from NXE, I considered doing
them, too. Then, I realized, the point of NGEjd, more or less, is to
_be_ a series made up of outtake scenes, anyway. Ah well.
Finally, as pointed out to me by [insert name], the spelling for that
one of the MAGI is "Balthasar". Whoops, silly me....
Andrew Huang...Nerdboy@KawaiiMUCK, Hisame00 on AIM
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
Harvard Anime Society, President
"Mweh. Heh. Heh."