Alan Harnum <harnums@thekeep.org> wrote:

by the intent study of her bandaged fingers.  Akari had not 
moved since Yamiko had brought her into the grove nearly an hour 
ago.  Yoko Kontongara, who if she had not been the absolute 
authority before certainly was now, had left them under the eyes 
of her subordinates and disappeared around then.

That's a kind of convoluted sentence. Any way this could be disentangled
a bit?

    Nodoka had one thought on the forefront of her mind,
repeated like a litany:  Ranma is alive, and you will see him.

And if he's not manly enough... *shing shing*

    He felt before anyone else - with the limited sorcery he had 
taught himself over the years - the rippling feeling of something
disturbing the air, like a hurled pebble mars the surface of 
water.

Not sure, but this looks like it should be 'marring' rather than 'mars.'

 The shadows deepened around the base of a tree, so thick
they seemed solid, and a head broke the surface like that of a
swimmer emerging for air.  Yamiko rose silently and smoothly from
the shadows until she stood fully in the clearing.  The thickened
appearance of the shadows remained for a moment, and then they
seemed to dissipate and flow away like water bleeds into the
ground.
    

Similarly, this seems like it should be 'bleeding.'

    Xande dropped smoothly from the tree, wings spreading to
catch him and guide him between the branches.  He landed in front
of Yamiko, and bowed smoothly.  "I am as glad to serve you as I 
am honoured mother of the night."

Is there a comma missing there, or is Xande claiming to be honoured
mother of the night? :-)

    There was no talking.  Soun limped along, wincing each time 
he put weight on his injured ankle, and at last he gave up his
pride and let Nodoka take some of his weight to help him walk.
Akari rubbed at her arms as she walked, trying to get the slick,
cold feeling to leave her body.  After a time, she realized that
the route was familiar; they were coming towards the same lake
she had fled to before.  The memory of the terrible, terrible

the same lake to which she had fled before.

    "<I know alleged reasons,>" Cologne retorted.  "<I just

Missing a 'the' in Cologne's line.

    From the traditional position - standing at the side of the
king's chair - of the seneschal, Kima looked up at Masara's 
father.  "It could have been another winged hell-demon with a
tail, I suppose," she said, with a mild edge of sarcasm.

Yeah, they all look alike, don't they....

    Samofere, the Phoenix King, watched in silence as Cologne
sat down.  It was, he realized sadly, not within him to tell her
what he needed to.  He could not share with his lover what he had
been able to share with his most trusted servant.

*ahem* Not gonna touch THAT one....

darkness that had bridged earth and sky had vanished, replaced by 
a massive cloud of black vapour that hovered over the land like a 
pall.  He knew - could feel it in his bones - that Jusenkyou was 
at the centre, that the cloud brushed up against the edges of the
mountains that surrounded Jusenkyou.  The dark cloud roiled 

Should that be "rolled?"

    The cloud had gotten larger when he stood up and looked at
it again.  It wasn't growing quickly, but it was growing.  From
what he could see, it hovered around Jusenkyou and its environs.
There was no reason to hope it would stay there, though.

    Perhaps, he thought, it will always come back to her, no 

What, the cloud?

    It had hit her ten feet down the spire that even if she made
it to the ledge, and even if she got Kuno out, she still had no 
idea how they were going to get out of here.  Then she had 
decided that it didn't matter, that the only important thing 
right now was to get him out of there.  That was all she could 
do.

Might not want to repeat "get out" so many times.

    The heat of the air stung her face, and she longed for
water.  To drink, to pour over head.  She would have given

over her head.

    She nodded.  "Yes, Lord of Waters.  And I put something
there.  Or, more specifically, I let something in that had 
wanted to come in for a long time.  I think he's already started
to wake up.  Now it's time."

    Ranma blinked.  "I don't--"
    
    Yoko smiled.  "Baazel."
    

"Yes, dear! I'm doing it, dear! Can't do it if you keep nagging me, can
I, dear?"

Good cliffhanger ending. The beginning of this chapter felt a little
slow, like there wasn't the feeling of urgency that there should be at
this point, but it got much better in this regard as it went on. The
descriptive work is excellent, as usual. Characterizations are overall
good; Ranma, more straightforward and subdued after the changes he's
gone through, is a little less interesting to me than the canon version.
Cologne's willingness to (partially) sacrifice her newfound youth was
touching.

Keep 'em coming! :)