Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] Waters Under Earth - Chapter 37
From: Alan Harnum
Date: 4/29/1999, 10:01 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

At 04:19 PM 4/29/99 GMT, you wrote:
Alan Harnum <harnums@thekeep.org> wrote:

by the intent study of her bandaged fingers.  Akari had not 
moved since Yamiko had brought her into the grove nearly an hour 
ago.  Yoko Kontongara, who if she had not been the absolute 
authority before certainly was now, had left them under the eyes 
of her subordinates and disappeared around then.
That's a kind of convoluted sentence. Any way this could be disentangled
a bit?

Will work on it.

    He felt before anyone else - with the limited sorcery he had 
taught himself over the years - the rippling feeling of something
disturbing the air, like a hurled pebble mars the surface of 
water.
Not sure, but this looks like it should be 'marring' rather than >'mars.'

Will check and see.

    Xande dropped smoothly from the tree, wings spreading to
catch him and guide him between the branches.  He landed in front
of Yamiko, and bowed smoothly.  "I am as glad to serve you as I 
am honoured mother of the night."
Is there a comma missing there, or is Xande claiming to be honoured
mother of the night? :-)

Not yet.  Give him time.  :)

    From the traditional position - standing at the side of the
king's chair - of the seneschal, Kima looked up at Masara's 
father.  "It could have been another winged hell-demon with a
tail, I suppose," she said, with a mild edge of sarcasm.
Yeah, they all look alike, don't they....

"It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I can't tell those
cannibal bird-demons apart."

    Samofere, the Phoenix King, watched in silence as Cologne
sat down.  It was, he realized sadly, not within him to tell her
what he needed to.  He could not share with his lover what he had
been able to share with his most trusted servant.
*ahem* Not gonna touch THAT one....

Thank you, Gary.  Your restraint is appreciated.

darkness that had bridged earth and sky had vanished, replaced by 
a massive cloud of black vapour that hovered over the land like a 
pall.  He knew - could feel it in his bones - that Jusenkyou was 
at the centre, that the cloud brushed up against the edges of the
mountains that surrounded Jusenkyou.  The dark cloud roiled 
Should that be "rolled?"

Nope.  It's a word.

    The cloud had gotten larger when he stood up and looked at
it again.  It wasn't growing quickly, but it was growing.  From
what he could see, it hovered around Jusenkyou and its environs.
There was no reason to hope it would stay there, though.

    Perhaps, he thought, it will always come back to her, no 
What, the cloud?

Err... no.  Akane.  I didn't think this needed to be made clearer... Ranma
doesn't need to refer to 'Akane' in his internal monologue.  I'll read it
over and see.

Good cliffhanger ending. The beginning of this chapter felt a little
slow, like there wasn't the feeling of urgency that there should be at
this point, but it got much better in this regard as it went on. 

It's the slow build.  :)

The
descriptive work is excellent, as usual. Characterizations are overall
good; Ranma, more straightforward and subdued after the changes he's
gone through, is a little less interesting to me than the canon version.

That's the price you pay, I suppose.  Ranma's lost a lot of his innocence.

Cologne's willingness to (partially) sacrifice her newfound youth was
touching.

Thanks.

Keep 'em coming! :)

Yeah, yeah.  I hear ya.  :)

Thanks for the commentary, Gary.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum