Mark MacKinnon <emmack@sympatico.ca> wrote:

    Well, this puppy didn't come easy, but I finally dragged it,

kicking and

screaming, out into the light.  It's passed pre-reading (thanks again,
Krista!) and is now ready to see the list.  I'll stick the author's

notes at

the end for anyone that wants to read them.  In the meantime, as

promised ...

the final chapter of Doors.

Enjoy.

Oh, I will.  :)

     "I'm glad you're okay, too," he murmured.  She leaned closer,
and then they were kissing, all hot slick mouths and frantic passion

that

slowly, oh so slowly, tailed off.  Akane leaned her head against his

Okay, wouldn't Ranma panic at this and immediately realize this was
another um...  dream?  fantasy?  nightmare?  (what would you call a
scene like this?)  I know that Ranma and Akane had made some progress in
their relationship, but I don't remember them getting THIS far.  Of
course, I could have forgotten   (mental note: go through previous
chapters & outline/take notes on each for future reference)

     "You had better not be falling asleep in my class, Mister
Saotome," the diminutive teacher warned, "or it'll be detention for

you

again!"  He blinked, frozen in place.  His heart was still hammering,

but

..

Ellipses.  Triple periods.  It just bugs me.  :)    It's done a few
other places, but you'll probably spot 'em.

     Please.  Please, no more.  This can't be real, it can't.  It

isn't.

It isn't real!  I'm still dreaming!  STOP IT, THIS ISN'T REAL!
     And it wasn't.  Not that time.  Or the next.
     Or the next.
     Or the next.
     Or the next ...

Kind of like the illusion of infinite distance with two mirrors set
parallel.

     "Yukio!" Nabiki gasped, her heart still racing.  "You scared the
.. what are you DOING here?"  Yukio pressed close, peering around
the side of the building.

"Guessing?  I guess there's no one coming..."  (Robin Hood: Men in
Tights....)

     "What the hell are you doing?" she finally managed to croak.
Hinako cocked her head.

No...  must... resist... temptation....

     "Doing?  Well, the good news is we're going to kill all the

demons

that have young Ranma," she said with a vicious cheeriness.

Yay!

"The bad news is we're going to kill everyone else, too.

Ahh, crap.

Still, you can't win them all!"

Sure you can!  All you need is a craps table, a magnet, and a lot of
really stupid people....

     "I don't get it!" she blurted.  "Why?  Why side with them How

could

you?"  Hinako tossed her caramel hair back over her shoulder
insouciantly.

"Oh, easy.  They offered me a better pay and MUCH better benefits than
Furinkan ever could."

Okay, seriously.  Punctuation there, after "Why side with them" ?

     "Tragus, our boys will be in position in the back any second," it
rumbled.  "Can we just kill her and move in?"  Hinako's gaze locked
with Nabiki's, and what the middle Tendou sister saw there made her
skin begin to prickle.
     "Yes," Hinako said softly.  "Yes, you can."

Were Sam Beckett (the Quantum Leaper, not the playwright) to suddenly
come in, I believe his line would be "Oh boy."   :)

     This moment reminded her uncomfortable of those dreams.

And this line just bugs me.  "Uncomfortable" doesn't seem to fit, or, if
you are intent on  using it, you should consider rewording the entire
sentence to make it flow better.

     "I was sort of expecting fewer demons," Reiko muttered
quietly, her eyes shifting from side to side.  "Like, maybe, one.  A
couple at most."
     "How many do you think there are?" Ryouga hissed back from
the other side, as those slithery noises continued just out of sight

in the

shadows.

"Three."  She turned back to a glaring Ukyou.  "What?  He can't count
anyway."
Okay, I promise, I'll stop with the RH:MiT stuff.  Really.

     Hers now.  The boy.  The girl.  The pendant.  And victory.  All
hers.

Rhiana, you've just won some of the world's most prized possesions, now
what's next?
(all together)  I'm going to Disney World!

     Akane wanted to whimper, to cry, to scream.  It just wasn't
FAIR to have to fight things like this!  It just wasn't!

Heh, poor Akane.  :)

    "You're a sorceress," Nabiki said tightly.  "Can't you do
anything?"  Reiko scowled.
    "Oh, sure!" she snapped.  "I'll transform into Magical Super
Girl Reiko and send them all away with my magic wand!"  Nabiki
blinked.

I will have to agree with Nabiki here.  I was thinking/hoping/expecting
Reiko to be able to do SOMETHING about all of the monsters in one fell
swoop.

     "Nihao!"  That voice.  She jerked her gaze up to see the lovely
Chinese amazon smiling at her.  In one hand, Shampoo had a long,
wickedly sharp-looking sword, and Ukyou couldn't help but notice that
she looked completely unfazed by the chaos.
     "Shampoo!" she blurted.  "What ... when ..."  Shampoo
ignored her, bending down to retrieve the head from the floor, lifting

it

by the hair and examining it like a fresh melon at market.

Please note the ONLY scene where Shampoo is mentioned....

     "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded.  Shampoo
regarded her innocently.
     "Shampoo need to get head," she explained.  Ukyou blinked.
     "Come again?" she asked weakly.  Shampoo just sighed.

O_O
Oh, my....

     "Cherish every minute, boy," he growled at last.  "You don't have
many left.  I can finish you any time."  Then he was gone, the smoke

Hmm...  my opinion here is that an "at" should be added between "you"
and "any."  Why?  Because otherwise, it kinda leaves the dialogue open
to more cliches.

     She was supporting Ranma, who was obviously in bad shape.
His head hung down, loose hair obscuring his face.  His bare chest was
striped with raw scratches, and strands of something white clung to

his

pants and wrists.  Ukyou shrugged off her shock with an effort.

She also shrugged off the fact that Ranma had a long, white lock of hair
where it should have been black.  This was commonplace to her though,
the random changing of hair colors.   :)

     "What about the others?" Ryouga asked.  That thought had

Like Shampoo, Ukyou thought.  Where was she?  How was her former rival
faring in her head hunt?

     "But they did something to him," Akane said tightly.
"Something that made his hair go white like that.  And ... and the way
he screamed, oh Kasumi, he wouldn't even let me touch him!  It was
like he was afraid of ME ..."  Kasumi's arms tightened around her as
the tears threatened to spill once again, and here, in the safety of

her

older sister's arms, she let them come freely.

     "Oh, don't worry about Ranma's hair, Akane!  Remember what
Ranma-kun's father told us?  He's the direct decendent to Lina Inverse.
His hair will return to it's natural color in no time!"

     "I'll see to it, Akemi," Tofu said.  The woman sighed.  When
Tofu had called a doctor friend of his to come in, Nabiki'd somehow
expected a grizzled old guy with a bow tie.  This Akemi was

thirty-ish,

stylish and attractive.  Her straight dark hair was parted in the

middle
Oh, sure Nabiki.  All of Doc. Tofu's friends have to be old, wizened
men, completely familiar with Chinese lore.  Sheesh.  C'mon!  He's
young!  Good-looking!  Of COURSE he'll have some lady friends!  :)

     "Good thing Kasumi didn't see you with her.  She'd have been
jealous."  She was only half-joking.  They'd seemed very chummy.
     "Oh, I doubt that," he replied absently.  "Akemi would be
much more interested in Kasumi than me."
     "Oh," Nabiki said, feeling foolish.  "I see."

Heh, I like this scene too.  Oh, I would love to see the expression on
her face here!  She must be losing her touch though, all of these
surprises lately.

     "Physically, not too bad.  His chi, though, as far as I can tell,
has been ... disturbed.  Violated.  Drained, somehow."

"Violated."  Good word choice.  I like.

     The night dragged on, the storm expending itself against the
unyielding city, finally failing in the hour before daybreak.  The new

day

finally dawned bright, clear, and fresh, scattered clouds quickly
vanishing beyond the horizon.  Invigorating, the warm sun rose high

into

the sky, its rays drying the rain-kissed city, and the city revelled

in the

gorgeous warmth of the approaching summer.  Cars honked, birds
sang, dogs barked and children laughed.
     But Mousse did not return.

And neither did Shampoo.

End part 17



    Perhaps a little less resolution than the troops were expecting,

eh?
Hmm...  If I hadn't already vented my anger prior to (re-)writing this
commentary, I would've had a lengthy response to that.   :)    I still
liked it immensly.

action in Nerima to examine the aftermath of Doors.  Slowly,

everything will

begin to tie together.  Hey ... TRUST ME.  :-p

Oh no.  NOW I'm scared.  :)

    Well ... forward, ever forward.  I WILL finish this story one day,

dammit!

I WILL!

Hmm...  In a way, that would be bad.  Then there would be one less epic
that I could enjoy waiting for.  :)

Okay, my last thoughts.

I rather enjoyed the scenes between Akane & Lilla.  Again, Akane isn't
shown as being a worthless damsel in distress.  She can actually FIGHT,
and has been watching and learning from Ranma & Co.  But...  Lilla is
constently provoking Akane into losing her temper.  Which causes Akane
to "redouble" her efforts and "refocus" on her goal to pound Lilla to
the ground.  Except...  it doesn't work.  Until the last time.  Why say
she's really mad and really going to get Lilla for what she (or rather,
Rhiana) did to Ranma if it's not going to do any good?  It's like the
boy calling wolf.   (I originally wrote wolf calling boy, I think it's
getting late....)

Kunou's interaction with his father was also excellent.  Though, I will
admit to hoping the big Kahuna would throw a much more interesting
fight.  Just goes to show, the fight HAS left him.  After that, I was
thinking he would at join Kunou, or at least show him how to use his
sword to it's full potential, whatever that might be.  Disappointing, to
say the least.  But not unexpected.

I'm still a fan of the Ukyou-Mousse-Ryouga-Reiko love...  square.

Finally, there's the little matter of Shampoo being ignored.  Okay, I
take that back.  I did go back and find two references to Shampoo, other
than scene with Ukyou.  But even in those, it was kind like she was
thrown in as an afterthought.  Shampoo didn't come back, so how come no
worrying about her?  Sure, she had ostracized herself from the group,
but she was still a friend, right?  Even though no one really pines for
her now that Mousse is missing like Ukyou does Mousse.

Anyway.  My little scattered comments not-withstanding, I really enjoyed
this final chapter.  Thanks for writing it!  :)

-Tom
Rogue, scoundrel, and defender of anything I damn well feel like
defending.
ICQ: 23544505
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans: It's lovely
to be silly at the right moment.
  -- Horace, Roman poet and satirist

(oh, and to any spelling errors, I'm sorry.  The spell-checker in OE
isn't working anymore, it even crashed my computer when I tried to check
the first draft of this....)