At some point, you would be better off mentioning that this is an
alternate-reality fic that branches off with episode 5. Anyone who's
seen
that episode will pick up on that pretty quick, but it still
couldn't hurt
to clarify it.
Whoops! I'll add it to the final version, whenever I get around to
doing that...
Armored Division Police:
Leon McNichol- Idealistic. A soft touch for hard cases.
Daley Wong- Feminine. A soft touch for idealistic inspectors.
Chief Todo- Stressed. A soft touch for nothing.
Hahaha. Funny.
I can't take credit. The charachter descriptions were inspired by the
Marcus Didius Falco books by Lindsey Davis.
The description of the main character from one of them goes like so:
Falco man of action; author; a soft touch for hard
commissions
With him being a Roman Private Eye.
<<opening theme>>
<<Warren Zevon, 'Quite Ugly One Morning', _Mr. Bad Example_>>
The lyrics are certainly fitting, though I don't think too many
readers
will be familiar with the songs involved. A little more variety would
increase the chances that a user could sing along with you.
I know, but they just fit so WELL! <sigh> Maybe I could dig up a
soundfile for these songs...
The single forlorn survivor of the boomer group was simultaniously
bombed and ventilated mere moments later.
That was a nicely done battle scene - clean but dense.
Thanx.
WHERE ARE THE LAB LOCATIONS?!'
I'd choose another scheme for representing thoughts. {curly
brackets},
maybe, or the [square kind].
Yeah, I'll probably change it at some point...
Guard boomer 34897-CRS-23 was reading one of his favorite romance
novels when the alert went out and inturrupted him. Previous
experience left only one conclusion. <THIS IS GONNA HURT,> he
thought.
When the Knight Sabers sprinted up to his post, he had barely
begun his attack before he crashed to the ground, all control runs
severed. <TYPICAL.>
Nice use of a recurring enemy grunt. I hope this means we get to
see him
in other battles, not just those at the GPCC.
He's actually going to develope into a major character. His next
scheduled appearence is when advncing technology means that he is no
longer good enough for a guard's slot. His 'superior' mental
developement will land him a slot as an administrative assistant.
Since Double Vision is going to happen before Red Eyes, this means
that we get to watch him get trashed by the GD-42. ^_^
"This," Nene said, "is the BUC-69-LCX, generally called the
Reaper. It's eight feet tall and weighs about 1,300 pounds.
Strength,
speed and agility are all slightly higher that that of our suits,
and
its armor is significantly better. The forearms are composed of
solid
blocks of polymorphic metal, similar to that used in fusion
boomers.
They can take any of a number of forms, the most common of which
are
shown on the right and left arms of the unit in the schematic. It's
hrm.....BGC vs. Terminator......
One of my prereaders noted this...As I told him, only the ARMS can
pull that stunt...besides, I've never seen Terminator.
"Miss Madigan."
"Yes sir?"
"What of Project twenty five oh one?"
"The network will be in place in three months, and the primary
program blocks are already in place."
"I see. You may leave."
"Yes sir."
2501? Wasn't that the Puppet Master from Ghost in the Shell? Or
was that
2601?
I'm pretty sure that it was 2501...It's a deliberate reference...Altho
I promise that we won't be seeing the Puppet Master...
The other flipped a coin "Oh really?" and caught it. "On the other
hand" <flip> "it might be" <catch> "more expedient to cut some"
<flip> "other strings as well." <catch> "for example: the ones
that make you dance!" he said in a voice laden with menace.
"The Tower and the A.D. Police will be investigating this" Flint
said, "but I know what those girls want, which gives _me_ the edge.
Even so, sheilding you is risky, Largo, and should I fall I will
not fall alone."
Largo laughed, and dropped the crumpled mass that had once been a
coin.
If memory serves, and it often does not, this is more or less
identical
to the original scene in ep. 5. You'll want to keep these kinds of
scenes to
a minimum. Good alternate history fics often retool these scenes so
that
they highlight the changes in your timeline.
It IS identical. I spent over an hour watching that scene bit by bit
and writing down what happened...My excuse for the sameness is that
nothing has happened to change their reactions...
For their part, the two girls were still bright eyed and bushy
tailed, delving deep into the mysteries of hardware software
interaction with a boundless enthusiasm and energy that had Sylvie,
(who, it must be said, was a bit under the weather herself)
completely baffled.
It's good to see the personalities of the other sexaroids coming
out -
though I don't think Nene's going to be as comfortable with them
when she
finds out what they are...
You can thank one of my prereaders for this scene...I was originally
going to skip the entire issue, but he prodded me into this.
As for her reactions to having sexaroid friends...well, I'll just burn
that bridge when I come to it.
The hotel room was small and shabby, located in a cheap building
in a bad part of town. It would have been small for two people,
with five it was positively stuffed.
Nice touch.
Thanx.
Some comments on the whole thing:
Altogether, it's an interesting premise, though we have yet to
see how
this reality differs, other than the fact that all the sexaroids
survive.
This last scene indicates that things won't be going any smoother
this time,
which I like. On the other hand, the flow of this story doesn't
differ very
much from the original - for the first chapter, it's the new plot
elements
that draw the reader in, and those are kind of thin here.
I you're talking about a single, subtle difference from canon (and I
am), with changes building and spreading from that, you won't see much
difference right away... Besides, there are a lot of things lurking in
the shadows here... They'll come out later..
You probably noticed the formatting problems as well. This wasn't
unreadable, but the variable-length lines and lack of indentation
made it
hard to follow, in parts.
<sigh> Yahoo seems to ignore tabs. The extra lines and stuff slipped
by the same way the spelling did.
Looking forward to more,
So, I guess I had better figure out EXACTLY what's gonna happen in The
Coming of Shadows?
Be well.
Nathan Baxter
==
* "There is nothing so dangerous as a good man who believes
* he is doing the right thing." --Source unknown(to me, at
* least)
# "For the crime of injuring me, a god, I demand in
# atonement death" --Largo, Bubblgum Crisis Six: Red Eyes
& "No boom TODAY. Boom TOMMORROW. There's ALWAYS a boom
& tommorrow." --Commander Susan Ivonava
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