Jonathan C Osborne <DragonMane@compuserve.com> wrote:

   Leaning on the rail of the boat, the redhead stared towards the Tokyo
harbor.  She was wearing a sleeveless, red chinese-style shirt and black
pants.  Her hair was tied back tightly into an intricate pigtail.  It was
so tight, it curled up, instead of hanging down.

With Ranma looking at the harbor, you should be describing the harbor
here. Unless he's paying special attention to his shirt and pigtail,
there's no reason for describing them.

   "Gone!  All hope of a cure gone!" Ranma screamed out in anguish, then
passed out.

He's jumping to this conclusion awfully quickly, just because the first
lead didn't pan out.

   "Ranchan wake up.  We're back in Nerima.  Time to get off the train."

"Ranchan, wake

   Ranma woke and stood, allowing Ukyo and Akane to lead her off the train
and back to the dojo.
   As they passed by The Ucchan's, Ukyo said her goodbyes.  "I really need

by Ucchan's, or by the Ucchan (no caps on 'the')

to get back to the restaurant.  I'll come by later Ranchan to see how

later, Ranchan, to

And so on. Anytime a speaker addresses someone by name, set the name off
with comma(s).

   Ranma sat up.  "Help!  Help?   Why didn't you help me against Herb back
in China!  Maybe then I could actually be a guy, not this..." she gestured
at her body.  "This THING that I am.  This GIRL!"

Sorry, but Ranma's reaction here is just not making it past my
suspension of disbelief filter. The first solution he tried didn't work,
so he's giving up and getting all whiny? That's not how he acted in the
manga.

   "I'm sorry Ranma, I can't do it.  I can't kiss another girl."
   Ranma stared at Akane with a mixture of horror and self-loathing in her
eyes.
   Akane dropped her head in shame.  "I'm sorry Ranma.  I really am," she
whispered.

Akane is likewise not very believable to me here. At the very least, I
think she'd try to put off crushing what remains of Ranma's spirit.
"We'll-- we'll talk about that later, OK? Don't worry, we'll find a
cure. I'm sure we will."


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html