You know, looking this over before posting, I realise I must have
been on some sort of sugar high...

What a fine thing to find in the mailbox! Hey, maybe this week will
turn out OK after all...

Hey, my week already started with a vacation day!  ;)

I've seen Gary's C&C, and trimmed out the places where we overlap...
unless I disagree with him. :) I also tried to trim the cited material
more than I usually do; hope it's enough, but not too much.

Much appreciated!  Obviously, you could trim it more for me (I'll know
what you're talking about), but other readers need more context.

inside. Placing his hands on Ranma's shoulders, he maneuvered her so
that she was between himself and Akane. Meanwhile, he tried to diffuse
the situation.

defuse {?}

Hmm, yes.  "Spreading the situation out" probably wouldn't be a
Good Thing.

And he'd finally given up on her! After the wedding, he had given his
heart to Akari, the sweet sumo-pig trainer. Akane never needed to learn
the truth. Her P-Chan would just disappear. Why did this have to
happen? Why?!?

{Because the author is a meanie, that's why. :) }

Hey, but she *didn't* find out.  So the author is not a meanie.  Q.E.D.

Huh? He didn't marry her because the dojo was bombed out. And Kuno,

hadn't married her because the dojo had been bombed out. {?}

Kodachi, Shampoo and Ukyo would never have let it happen. Not to
mention that she was still in shock from losing the Nannichuan.

she'd still been in shock {?}

Whoops.  Pluperfect.  Check.

Wait, it wasn't... Akane didn't think she wouldn't marry her because
she'd slept with the pig, did she? Sure, she wasn't too happy it, but
it

too happy about it, {? Boy, major pronoun trouble possible in that
sentence, but it's clear enough in context.}

Ranma 1/2 does not mix well with pronouns.

Akane wasn't like that.
Even if mom sleeps with a panda...

{snicker!}

Now, if anyone wants to write a lemon side story...

Kidding!  Kidding!

Akane starting rocking back and forth, mumbling, "You hid it all this
time. I can't believe it. I wanted to be your... And now I find out you
and Ryoga have been sleeping together..." Tears started to fill her
eyes.

{snork! Of all the things that Akane's thought was actually going on
(instead of P-chan), this is the wackiest. Original Flavor Gold Star.}

I have to say I was pretty dismayed with your assessment at the end of
the last part.  You described what I had been planning almost perfectly!

"Um, please excuse us, Akane." Using his superior size and strength,

he bundled up the flailing girl and dashed just out of the dojo and
into the
dashed out {? not sure what "just" is doing there...}

Artifact of a past revision.  I'll remove it.

Ryoga continued to think up excuses. "We'll just say..." He waved his
arms about, casting about for an explanation. "That's it! We'll say it
was

{Casting? Perhaps even fly-casting, eh? :> }

It certainly wasn't a pun.  I would never do that...

"Hey, at least you can claim the rod MADE you fall in love. Akane
thought I was so lonely and couldn't a girl, so I settled for the next
best thing!

couldn't {verb needed here} a girl,

Ooh.  Madlibs!  Potentially *lemon* madlibs...

As he started to pull himself up, when she added, "Come to think of
it,

up, she {"when" unneeded}

Another artifact of a previous revision: "He started to pull himself,
when she added..."

{I disagree with Gary here, BTW. I have no problem with the scene
length or pacing.}

[My comments are in the response to Gary's C&C.]

"I do," she finished lamely.
"O happy day!"
"We'll schedule the wedding this very minute!"

{READER facefaults.}

Hey, Genma and Soun are nothing, if not simpleminded.  Singleminded,
I mean.

"We heard as we walked up, son. You should really wait for your
wedding days to give your vows, but, oh, I'm so proud of you! You're so
manly!"

day

It *is* a typo, but somehow with Ranma, it seems *so* appropriate!  :D

Using a little logic, though, he guessed that the voice had come from
the kitchen. Looking through the order window, he saw a figure working
over the stove. Ku-Lon. Only she was about 190cm tall, instead of her
usual hundred. Reluctantly dropping his circular glasses over his eyes,
he took another look. Still 1.9m. And wearing a boy's school uniform,
of all things.

{190cm is pretty darn tall: about 6'3". Is Akira really that tall? It
seems unlikely...}

He really is that tall in this fic.  Plus or minus 5cm.  Of course,
I have Kuno at 192cm, himself.  Witness the result of Too Much Free
Time:

http://www.thecia.net/~dougmacd/ranma/heights.html

"Nope. It turns out my folks are Japanese."

{Ah, that explains "Akira". I'd wondered about that.}

That's okay.  I think I left some other things for you to wonder about
Akira.  ;)

"It's true. She plays the part of the unstoppable warrior, but inside
she wants only to be loved. She's scared that no one will accept her as
a woman rather than a warrior, so she tries to push them -- push me --
away. But I'll show her! I'll love her no matter what. Sooner or later
she'll see that she needn't fear me running away, and she can accept me
as she's always wanted to."

{Good lord. He's starting to sound like Kuno. Plausible, though.}

What's wrong with sounding like Kuno?  ;)  He gets some of the best
lines!  "Curse you, dog-man!"

"Or maybe she's really just trying to get rid of you," he muttered.

"C'mon, you've got to start looking for someone else. She'll never love
you." Mouse gave him a dirty look. "I mean, she'll just keep 'testing'
you forever.
Mousse

Mousse responded with the simple truth. "She will be mine." Oh, yes.

{Look up the other definition of "simple", Mousse. :) }

Erk.  I'm supposed to be using "Mu-Tsu", here.

"Well..." As Akira started to speak, Mu-Tsu heard the increased energy
in his voice and cooking. The spatula moved briskly but not
methodically. "She's eighteen, about one meter seventy.

{Again, heights are tricky, particularly in the anime, but I think
170cm (5'7") may be a bit too tall. No big deal.}

I have her at 169cm.

A clatter of pans and metal from kitchen quickened Mu-Tsu's pace back
to

>from the kitchen

Nope.  He's returning from giving food to a customer.

the kitchen. He walked back in to see silverware and cooking utensils
on the

{suggest} to trip over silverware {still blind-as-a-duck, yes?}

I don't want Mousse to look *too* much like a dope in front of Akira.
The new guy is already showing a dangerously high competence in this
scene, cooking all the food.  I don't want him to come off as a
super character...

	Akira leaned over and picked up the blind boy.  "Don't worry
about it, Mu-Tsu.  We can't all be perfect like me!"  He chuckled
winningly.

"That's disgusting, Mu-Tsu!"

{The cook doth protest too much, methinks. :) }

Have you been reading the next part?  What is with your psychic C&C?

"Aren't boys supposed to marry girls just like the girls their fathers
married?" It was an old Amazon saying, with the genders reversed. He
tried his best not to start laughing.

{heh. I like.}

You're telling me you haven't heard this expression?  Just think of the
horrors if you apply it to some of the cast...

Ranma wants marry a woman that likes keeping swords handy, and might
kill him at any moment.  Akane wants to marry an idiot.

    "Hey, who're you calling an idiot?"

    Akane hits Ranma with her shinai.  "He wasn't talking about you,
moron, he was talking about the type of guy I want to marry!"

[Ahem]  Anyway...

Dad and Mr. Saotome heard you say "I do," and apparently thought you
were

"Dad {or perhaps} "Father {Akane appears to always use the polite
"Otou-san" form for Soun, even when he's being an idiot}

I'm going with the Viz dub.  I *am* writing English here, so it's the
most appropriate source.  So Akane will use "Dad", Kasumi uses "Father",
and Nabiki uses "Daddy."

Akane eyes started to bubble, making Ranma wave his arms in
desperation.

Akane's {"Bubble" may bring the wrong image; it certainly did in my
case. "Mist over", perhaps? "Overflow"?}

Well, it's supposed to be almost-but-not-quite-overflowing.  So mist
over isn't enough, and overflow is too much.

"Excellent. Just sit down and relax yourself. It's not every day we
have Mu-Tsu's big brother by to visit!" She grinned widely, showing off
her preternaturally white teeth.

{"big brother"?! Uh... that's, uh, interesting.}

The new guy is related to an existing character?  How cliched!
I feel so DIRTY!!!

forehead almost touching the floor. "I'm sorry for... hiding this for
so long. It was never my intention to hurt you." In his mind, he
imagined he was apologizing about P-Chan instead of the falsified
'affair'. "Or to use

{Nice. Ryoga's adept at rationalizing.}

It's probably all Ranma's fault, anyway...  ;)

to make my boy-side do anything weird." He puffed out his chest.

{snicker. Yeah, right. Of course, HE believes that...}

"I never realized how beautiful a woman in full bloom can be!"

and beamed at the younger teenagers. "How wonderful! Since Father and

{Might be able to omit "younger"; if a year has passed, then Kasumi's
20, and hence not a teenager.}

How true.  That means she's officially an old maid, now, right?
[ducks incoming projectiles]

"Perfect! Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes. I'll go get
Auntie Saotome and Nabiki." With that, she shuffled off to other parts
of the house.

{I can't see Kasumi shuffling, somehow...}

I meant to imply petite steps.  Reminiscent of being in a kimono.

sitting down, himself. Soon Nabiki arrived, and Nodoka and Kasumi

down himself.

I think there should be a comma, but I'm not positive.  Sit is an
intransitive verb, so it doesn't take an object.  The line  "...before
sitting down himself" implies "himself" is the object.  The line
"...before sitting down, himself" makes "sit" reflexive, which I think
is OK.

double wedding with their friend." She took a tip of tea.

sip

    Kasumi wobbled slightly, blushing pleasantly.  "Oh, my, I feel--"
[author shakes head]  I can't do it.  Too easy.

"Great. I'll be up in a few minutes, okay?" He blinked as she walked
over to the kitchen. Popping her head out, he made sure that he had
started

out, she

What, I can keep track of Ranma's gender, but now I'm having problems
with Akane's?!?  She's not even cursed anymore! [mutter grumble]

Ranma's mouth dropped open, and her pigtail went straight up, as her
mind went into shock.

{Suggest omitting both commas.}

Can you?  If Ranma were the subject of the second verb ("went"),
then I'd say you don't need the comma before "and", but there's a
new subject.  Doesn't that make it a separate clause?  I'm pretty
sure that the last section is subordinate clause, which means is has
to be set aside by a comma.

"Say Ranma?"
"Yeah, Akane?"
"When you say that Ryoga's 'magic rod' made you fall in love with him,
you mean the koi fishing rod, right?"
Ranma scratched his head. "Yeah. What else would I mean?"
"N- Nothing! Never mind. Just forget I asked..."

{FACEFAULT}

    "Hey Akane, let's go get some ice cream!"

    "What brought this on, Ranma?"

    "I dunno.  For some reason I really want like a popcicle..."

I think I'll stop now.  Yes, that would be good...

Thanks for writing and sharing!

And as always, your thoroughly extensive feedback is greatly
appreciated!

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall     Art and fiction available at my homepage:
dougmacd@thecia.net    http://www.thecia.net/~dougmacd/fanworks/