Douglas MacDougall <dougmacd@thecia.net> wrote:

   "Akane, it's not as bad as it looks.  We never meant to hide it.  I mean,"
she laughed uneasily, "I gave you so many hints..."

Unless she's laughing out her words, this punctuation isn't right. It
probably should be:

"Akane, it's not as bad as it looks.  We never meant to hide it.  I
mean..." She laughed uneasily. "I gave you so many hints..."

BTW, how many hints did he actually give her? I know this was done a lot
in the anime, but what about in the manga?

   Even if mom sleeps with a panda...

Mom should be capitalized when used as a name.

   Akane starting rocking back and forth, mumbling, "You hid it all this
time.  I can't believe it.  I wanted to be your...  And now I find out you and
Ryoga have been sleeping together..."  Tears started to fill her eyes.

He he he! Classic misunderstanding. Ya gotta love it.

   She glared at him with her ice-blue eyes, causing Ryoga to let go of her
and take a step back.  He never realized it before, but they, combined with
her bright red hair, made her look rather imposing when she was angry.  Like
some sort of ogre girl.

In fact, strangely, he'd never noticed the red hair at all. (Okay! Okay!
I'll shut up about that! :-)

   He swallowed nervously.  "W- Well, it's too late now!  I never told you to
say those things!."

Extra punctuation here.

   Somehow Ryoga had seriously injured himself with those two falls.  He
struggled back to his feet, using the wall for support  "You jerk!  Why do you

Missing a period.

This scene's a bit long. I quite liked the earlier one with Akane, but
this oen drags a bit. You might wanna trim it down some.

   "We heard as we walked up, son.  You should really wait for your wedding
days to give your vows, but, oh, I'm so proud of you!  You're so manly!"

   Ranma blinked as her mother hugged her, and Soun slapped her on the back.
What the...?

Heh. He shoulda known!

       *           *           *           *           *           *

   Mu-Tsu let the door close behind him as he walked into the Cat Cafe.  It
was busier than normal for this time of day, so he had been sent out to make
some deliveries.  He did it occasionally, when Xian-Pu was too busy waiting on
customers to make a delivery herself, or when there were so many deliveries
that the two of them would go out and the ghoul would mind the restaurant.  It
was better than scrubbing floors, or the other menial tasks Ku-Lon assigned
him, but it kept him away from his darling.

Um... you do know that these versions of the names are fanfic
constructs, and the actual Chinese characters shown in the series are
Shan Pu, Mu Si, and Ke Lun? Just so you know. Also, I've never seen them
hyphenate between the family name and given name. No big deal, but it
looks a little weird.

   He was taller than Mu-Tsu, and a little skinny, except at the shoulders.
He had fair hair, that looked like a Japanese style which needed a trim,

I'd take out the comma after hair... doesn't look like it should be
there.

rather than the flowing lengths of his own hair.  He was also wearing a pair
of glasses (although not the centimeter-thick ones that Mu-Tsu enjoyed).

"Enjoyed" might be the wrong word for it....

   "Akira!  What on earth are you doing in Japan?"  He placed the glasses

Earth (caps)

   "Left."  Mu-Tsu adjusted his course, guided by Akira.  "Left."  "Right."
"You're there."

Unquoting and then quoting again right away looks really weird. I'd put
something in between the words (like "Left." He moved left. "Right"
etc.) or just make it one big quote.

   He slipped the plate onto the proper table and bowed slightly to the
customer.  Inhaling the scent from the dish, he added, "Your sesame beef
special, miss."

Miss. (caps)

   "Thank you," answered the somewhat disgruntled young man.

"What'choo mean, 'Miss?'"

"Sorry, I have a cold." :)

   "Geez, aren't you over her, yet?"

Again, I'd take out the comma after her.

   "Not so.  As time passes, she tries harder and harder to push me away.
She's testing my limits.  After I show her that absolutely nothing with keep
me away from her, she'll be mine!"

Heh. He has no clue, does he....

   "What are you talking about?  Nabiki doesn't look like your mother at
all.

Word wrap error.

Her hair is long.  And red!"

And Chinese? Yeah right. :)

   Ranma blinked with some confusion and a great deal of relief.  Akane
seemed to be taking this even better than he thought she would.  Maybe
Ryoga was right, and this lie would be better in the long run than telling
Akane the truth.

But don't count on it. :-) Nice scene here, BTW.

       *           *           *           *           *           *

   "Isn't he just so manly?"

   Obviously not.  "Whatever you say, Mrs. Saotome."

   "Although Akane should really be the one saying 'I do' to him.  Still, it
must take quite a man to drive the woman to propose first."

   "Um," he grunted non-committally.

Took me a little while to figure out that she was talking to Ryoga here.
Don't know if that's intentional, but if not you might want to mention
his name here.

   Ryoga felt a cracking sensation in his bones as a chill passed through his
body.  Mrs. Saotome thought of Ranma as a SON, right?  He frantically thought
back to the Ranma's engagements.  Had they all been arranged by Genma?  What
did he really know about Mrs. Saotome?

Take out 'the' before Ranma.

   Ku-Lon hopped down onto a table.  "Good.  This should be enough to tide us
over until our next delivery.  Xian-Pu, can you put these away?  "

Extra space at the end.

   "Well, it was helpful as a stop-gap measure, but these bandages should
prevent you from straining your hands again and making it even worse.  She

Missing an end quote mark.

   "Then how can you be sure that the next time you turn into a girl--?

Same here.

   Ryoga assured her, "It's alright Akane.  I don't want to drag this out any

all right, Akane.

   Ryoga got up walked to one end of the table.  He was familiar with the
normal eating arrangements, having been fed at the table by Akane.  When he
was P-Chan, anyway.  He decided to take the spot normally used by Mr.
Saotome.

Word wrap error.

   The food was excellent, and as promised, there were plenty of extra
servings.  Nodoka and Kasumi talked with Ryoga, who was all too happy to be
distracted from Ranma and Akane.  Those two ate together in silence.  Nabiki
was  caught up in her own thoughts, ignoring the conversation and mechanically
eating her food.  Ryoga noted that, despite her distraction, she still managed
to unerringly grab the best cuts of meat.

Heh.

   "So when are you going to get married?"

   The question took Ryoga off-guard.  "Um?"

I've always seen off guard written as two words.

   "I know you said that you were in love because of the magic, but at the
time you were saying it, you were a guy.  Of course, when you're a guy you
wouldn't want to admit you loved him.

End quote.

   She shook her head, "I really did think you stayed a guy, but..."  She
held her hands.  "It's the only explanation that makes sense!  What else could
it be?  Are you really so mean that you would flirt with Ryoga with your
girl-half just taunt him?  You know how shy he is!  I just can't believe you'd

just to taunt

Lest anyone get the wrong idea, Tsu is not Mousse's family name.

It's not his (correct) given name either.

   "Say Ranma?"

"Say, Ranma?"

   "Yeah, Akane?"

   "When you say that Ryoga's 'magic rod' made you fall in love with him,
you mean the koi fishing rod, right?"

ACK! Akane no hentai!! :-)

This is the first I've read of this series. I had no trouble at all
following what was going on. I like the characterizations; everybody
seems pretty consistent with the source material. The scenes are good,
but some of them drag a bit and they tend to get talky; you might go
through and see where you could cut, or else try to put in more tension.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this, and will look for it next time.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html