Ooh.  Finally got the time to read and comment on this one.
I've been looking forward to this.

	Shaking slightly, she fumbled for the bottle of pills on 
her bedside table. The doctor had told her they would help, and 
sometimes they did. The dreams would go away, and she could 
sink back into peaceful, visionless slumber...

	She wished Ranma were with her. Then maybe the dreams 
would go away.

	Swallowing a tablet, Kodachi sunk back into bed, pulled 
up the covers, and waited for sleep.

This is just a peculiar aside, but it occurred to me that in the first
story where we were introduced to Kodachi, Kuno said something
to the effect of "When she goes after a man, there's nobody more
tenacious."  This would imply that she's gone after men before.  
So perhaps she's hoping Ranma will succeed in soothing her 
inner demons where other men have failed...

	The picnic was one of the nicest he'd ever had, and he 
was disappointed to cut it short by waking up. With a 
wistful sigh, he made a mental note to picnic there again - 
this time, in real life.

"There" being a relative term for Ryouga, I suspose.

	Ukyou screamed as blood spurted, and then the blade 
passed through Ranma's body and into hers with a stab of 
agony...

	Her eyes shot open. For a long time, she stared at the 
ceiling, unwilling to go back to sleep.

Ukyou's been reading "The Bitter End," hasn't she?

	It wasn't fair.

	Shampoo was better than her at everything. Better body. 
Better cook. Much better martial artist. And Ranma... Ranma 
liked her.

Hey, at least her Japanese isn't better.

	No. She was in love with Saotome Ranma. He would never 
know, because she didn't think that she could stand to see his 
reaction. Embarrassment, perhaps, or incredulity. Mild disgust. 
She wanted him to think highly of her... the few bits of praise 
he had given felt so good... she didn't think she could bear him 
discovering that the clumsy gorilla actually loved him.

I really like this characterization of Akane's inner thoughts.  It's
very much in keeping with the melodramatic intensity and 
insecurity of the teenage soul.  A good job of taking the pre-set
stage and making it your own by showing us why things are
the way they are.  You're an old hand at this, of course, but it's
still nicely done.

	He could sorta understand that... he'd be a bit upset if 
someone broke up one of his fights... but it wasn't like Akane 
was a real martial artist or anything, and Shampoo would have 
cleaned her clock! She shoulda been glad, real glad that he had 
kept her from getting hurt.

	But no, instead she just stormed off. Cheh. He didn't 
understand her sometimes.

Again, good portrayal of Ranma as suffering from a combination
of poor social training and genuine density.

	As they trooped up the stairs, Ranma wished she didn't 
think he was stupid. Maybe he was, compared to her. He was 
truly afraid that some smart, literate type would catch her 
eye, and then... aw, hell. What could she ever see in someone 
like him? 

I also like this - insecurity about his intellect seems very 
plausible for Ranma.

	"There's a couple reasons." He winced; the more he 
thought about this, the less he liked it. Akane getting into a 
fight with an unknown quanity who actively wished her ill was 
not a pleasing prospect. "First off, the weapon-dependance rule 
isn't always the case. Ryouga and Shampoo both use different 
weapons in their styles; Ryouga has that damn umbrella and 
can turn his underwear or socks into a deadly weapon, and 
Shampoo uses bonbori and swords. They're pretty good with 
them... but disarm them, and they're just as good, only in a 
different way. For them, weapons are an option, not a crutch."

Yah, that's Chinese Kung Fu for you.  

	"Weapons are dangerous," he said bluntly. "You need 

He says it bluntly, but he's referring to sharp weapons.  Ironic...

Sorry.  That was terrible.

	"Amateurs with a sword or a knife are my worst 
nightmare," he said, a rueful tore creeping into his voice. "They 

Seems a little odd here for Ranma to admit a fear to Nabiki.
Maybe he could generalize it a little more - "Amateurs... are
an expert martial artist's worst nightmare" or something.

	Smirking, Akane turned to Ranma. "Oneesan had just 
grown boobs, and was busy trying to show everyone male how 
good she looked in a swimsuit. I could have gotten into a blood 
feud with Rodan the Flying Monster and she wouldn't have 
noticed."

	Nabiki's eyes bulged, and she sputtered indignantly. 
Ranma grinned. Point for Akane, he mentally tallied.

I like this moment.  Nice to see Nabiki caught flat-footed.  

	"And you still aren't," Nabiki muttered, shooting her a 
black look.

Uh-huh.  Do the words "Date with me, Akane!" ring a bell?

	"I believe it," Ranma said with feeling. "She had all the 
charm of a cobra."

Cobra?  Charm?  Snake-charmer?  That's a witty, son.  I
keep throwin' but you ain't catchin'.

	"Barely. It wasn't the hardest fight I've ever had - 
obviously the ones I've lost to you and Shampoo were tougher - 

Well... yes and no.  I mean, Ranma and Shampoo have never
left her bloody and bruised with a shattered hand.  So it seems
 a little odd for her to say that those fights were harder.

	Part of it, she privately admitted, was a desire to keep 
Ranma from paying attention to a wounded Akane. But mostly 
she just wanted her friend to emerge unhurt and victorious.

Heh... nice touch.

Ukyou silently whimpered. It was the Bimbo Brigade.

Wouldn't a "brigade" indicate more than one person?  And this
is a small thing, but it seems Ukyou is more likely to gnash
her teeth in silent rage than whimper.

	The Amazon shrugged. "This girl not look so tough." She 
tossed a wad of cash to Nabiki, who snapped it of the air with 
a dexterity that would have done any of the assembled martial 
artist proud. "Put that on challenger. Have, how say, sympathy 
for underdog."

It occurred to me at this point that Shampoo might be more
likely to spot Tetsuko's balancing act right off the bat, since
her great-grandmother does the same thing on a regular basis.

	A challenging smile, better-suited to Ranma's face than 
her's, appeared. "You've gotten better."

"Hers" without the apostrophe.

	Her fist slammed into his stomach, sending him falling 
to his knees just as her knee arched up into his groin. Kuno 
turned an interesting shade of green, and then her elbow knifed 
into the back of his neck, sending him sprawling limply on the 
ground.

There are certain moments when you do a good job of subtly
adjusting the Ranma 1/2 rules to fit the tone of the story.  For
instance, right here you could have had Akane pound Kuno
and send him hurtling away like a missile, but that would 
undermine the flavor of stronger realism that you're trying to
cultivate.  Good stuff.

	But that was all right. Cologne herself lacked the raw 
talent possessed by Ranma... or by Genma, for that matter, or 
Ryouga. She could still demolish any of them in combat, and 
would probably outlive Ranma's father. Not to mention the fact 
that she was far more than just a simple fighter. A Matriarch 
was expected to be a general, a psychologist, a surgeon, a 
historian, a mage, an artist, a judge, an agriculturalist... all 

these things and more. Ranma would just be a martial artist, 

no matter how good. Shampoo would be hundreds of things.

	So she put up with the place, for her heir's sake. Every 
woman should have a grand passion in their late teens, and 
have their heart thoroughly broken over it. It gave one such a 
realistic approach towards future matters of the heart.

Just figured I'd take a moment to say that I really enjoyed
this part, too.

	Cologne nodded. "Give her Mousse's room. He won't be back 
for another month." She had sent the boy to train under an old 
friend in the hopes that he could finally gain some self-
control. And in the hopes that absence might make an impact on  
her great-granddaughter. "She certainly won't eat as much as 
him."

So, no Mousse in this story?   Not surprising.  Sometimes, there's
just no way to make certain characters fit with what you want to
do.

Makes me wonder if you're going to keep Happosai out of the 
picture.  After all, if there's this unstated detente between Cologne
and the evil Tofu being, how does the one other individual of 
substantial knowledge and power who hangs around Nerima
fit in?  Of course, Happosai is a pretty annoying character, and
you might just decide to leave him out.  

	The other girl stared at her blankly for a second. Then a 
slight smile replaced the wary look. A slight chuckle escaped 
her lips, and she shook her head in amusement. "Th'fool in red? 
I think not."

What, someone not automatically charmed by Ranma?  How
odd.  She's also not too hot at judging fighters at first blush if
she dismisses him so easily.

He smiled slightly. "You need to keep alert, Akane. Don't 
let people get that close without warning."

Well, it IS sort of creepy how he lurks around with that
skeleton...

So is Betty a demonic servant who gets to come to life 
and terrorize people sometime?  Huh?  

Ahem.  Excuse me.

	Mind over matter. Akane had always hated those kind of 
exercises. "All right," she said, and stared at the flame.

She turns out to be pretty good at it though.  Hmm...

	Sunglasses.

	Then the hook raked against her side, causing a warm, 
wet feeling to suddenly soak her gi. She landed, stumbling, and 
the blunt end of the pole cracked against her side, her head...

Hmm.  No pair of sunglasses I've ever owned has prevented me
from seeing shadows... but I'm not sure how else you'd write
yourself out of this situation.  Infra-red goggles seem a bit over
the top.

surprise, relying on it to carry the day. Like the 'strength 
soba'...  a strong but artificial aid. This was probably 
something similar.

Shampoo's one to talk... she used the stuff herself.

 - - - - 

Don't know how much useful C&C I can provide about this one,
except that I enjoyed the heck out of it.  The sunglasses thing
is certainly forgivable... the Ranma series has endured far more
serious stretches of the imagination than that.

With such long chapters, I expect you'll have a pretty significant
lag time between them, but I am looking forward to the release
of the next one.  

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless