(The scene opens with Ranma, Kasumi, Akane, Nabiki, and Ryouga at the local
Tokyo Train Station. Ranma & Ryouga are carrying all of the luggage. Coming up
behind is Nodoka dragging Genma and Soun. The two try to detach their dog
collars but Nodoka activates a button on the leash and the two men get shocked.)
Ryouga: Now why are we suppose to get on a train when we should have gotten a
boat?
Nabiki: We're heading to Southern Japan. There a couple of friends of mine will
get us a yacht and we'll sail off towards mainland Asia.
Ranma: Where exactly?
Kasumi: Either Hong Kong or Thailand, which ever the winds blow towards. 
Akane: Just make sure we don't get near Tahiti. I don't want this story turn
into a lemon.
Nodoka: Well, I hope you children have a good vacation. Don't forget to write.
Nabiki: Uh...how about e-mail?
Nodoka: I don't have a computer.
Kasumi: Sorry, but we didn't put stationary and stamps as part of the equipment
we need.
Nodoka: So, I guess this is the last scene for me.
Akane: Depending on what the author decides, but probably yeah.
Nodoka: Excuse me...(She presses the buzzer on the leash, shocks Soun and
Genma.)
Ranma: Er, Mom, why are you...
Nodoka: They're my bitches. That's all.
Ranma: Er, Mother, you're being out-of-character again.
Nodoka: Oh...I am...well...
Kasumi: Oh, my! Here's the train. Well, let's get on!
Hirosuke & Daisuke: Wait! Wait! We're here!
Kasumi: Oh, good. Our other members of the trip are complete.
Nabiki: Since you've both come in late, you'll have to carry all of our luggage.
Ranma, Ryouga, you both have the rest of the day off.
(Hirosuke & Daisuke sigh, and carry all of the luggage into the train. Ryouga,
Ranma, Kasumi, Nabiki & Akane follow them. Kasumi and Akane wave good-bye to
Nodoka, Soun, & Genma.)
**********
(The scene switches inside the train. We see Kasumi up tickets.)
Kasumi: Okay, here are our tickets to our rooms. Now, I only got four rooms. So,
someone will have to sleep alone.
(The conductor comes around.)
Conductor: Tickets! Tickets! (Kasumi gives the conductors all of the tickets.)
Well, miss, you've got the wrong train. (Everyone looks at Kasumi.)
Kasumi: Wrong train?
Conductor: Yes, you want the Empress Express 666 over there. (Kasumi raises her
hand.) But, if you're wondering this is the Galaxy Express 999.
Voice: All-abord! Next stop, Alpha Centauri, Leo, and Cucamonga!
Ranma (muttering): Why couldn't I just be malleted there? (Akane elbows Ranma.)
Conductor: Oh, well. We'll accept your tickets anyway, since they couldn't be
refunded.
(Ryouga & Ranma look at Nabiki, and she appears to be pretty calm.)
Nabiki: Kasumi, dear, you couldn't get refundable tickets?
Kasumi: Well, I did pay a pretty yen for these tickets. (to the Conductor) I do
hope these rooms are well furnished.
Conductor (examining the tickets): They should. I'll go get your keys. (He
leaves.)
Akane: Kasumi, I don't think leaving the Earth is what I had in mind for a trip.
Kasumi: True, but we'll get the next available train as soon as we head into
Alpha Centauri. (Conductor returns.)
Conductor: It checks out. Here are your tickets.
(Hirosuke and Daisuke returns, then faints.)
Ranma: Wimps.
Akane: Really, Ranma.
Nabiki: Look out there, folks, what a big huge sun we have here...
Woman: Well, it is an very young sun. Excuse me, but I understand you all have
gotten on the wrong train?
Kasumi: Yes, we have.
Woman: Well, allow me to introduce myself. I am Maetel---
Daisuke: You're the Barbie girl!(Hirosuke slaps Daisuke.)
Hirosuke: No, silly, that's Mattel, the Toy Company. She's one of the Spice
girls.
Maetel: I am not a Spice girl! I am not and will not! (Boy arrives carrying a
bucket of champaigne.) Tetsuro, these boys insulted me!
Tetsuro: After all she's done to me! (A girl made out of glass arrives
carrying a tray.) Why, I'd belt you one---
Girl made of glass: Hello, and I'm Claire, your stewardess for this flight from
Earth to Alpha Centauri.
Maetel: I thought we were suppose to go to Andromeda!
Claire: Sorry, the Conductor changed his mind. He wanted to a bunch of colonist
on Chiron that Earth is still around.
Nabiki: Hmm, you look like you were put through a Fabroge experiment.
Claire: Is that suppose to be a compliment?
Nabiki: Yes.
Claire: Thanks. Anyway, Captain Harlock would like to inform you that the exits
are on each end of the car, except for the bars, which need no stinking exits.
Daisuke: Wow, my kind of Captain.
Hirosuke: Captain Harlock...wasn't he a space pirate?
Claire: Until his eyes were blown out by Space Pirate Ryoko. And a cabbit...
Nabiki: Ah. I see.
Claire: How was he suppose to know that the cabbit turned into a spaceship that
would make those aliens ships from Independence Day to run home to their mommas?
Captain Harlock's voice (over the intercom): And I would have gotten away with
it if it wasn't for those stinking kids, that dang scientist and their mangy
cabbit. Hey...hey (There's a sound of a cabbit screaming "Miyaa!"; then sounds
of laser and nuclear explosions occuring before the intercom turns to static.)
Kasumi: OH, my!
Claire: But, I digress. Your seats, beds, and all waitress can be used as
floation devices.
Akane (looking confused): Waitresses?
Claire: Hey, the average bust size of one of our waitress is a healthy 39.
(Akane looks at Ranma.)
Ranma: I'm not saying anything Akane...it would be too easy. (Akane slaps Ranma
in the face.)
Akane: Baka!
Claire: Finally, please remember there is no smoking on board the train except
for the designated cars unless you're Bogart or Sherlock Holmes.
Kasumi: Why?
Claire: They're investigating a murder.
Ryouga: A murder? Who?
Claire: Someone killed Cock Robin. And Batman isn't talking. (Ryouga
face-faults.)
Akane: So, where were you suppose to go?
Tetsuro: Andromeda. It's an anniversary of sorts.
Ranma: Anniversary?
Tetsuro: Yes, one year ago, I fought Captain Mecha.
Nabiki: Did you have a reason?
Tetsuro (growling): Revenge! He killed my mother and made her a mounted trophy
on his wall! He's so evil, he sacrified his own body and stuffed it!
(The Tendous, and boys look confused.)
Daisuke: You fought a spirit?
Claire: No, we traded in our human bodies for mechanized bodies. Mine just
happened to be glass.
Ranma: Hmm...well I do understand the revenge bit. (Ryouga nods.)
Maetel: And I...I...I was there to see my mother for the last time before she
becomes a mechanized monster. I couldn't understand why...perhaps it had to do
with the amount of money one recieves for selling your own body.
Nabiki (slightly grinning): You should see how much I make selling souls.
Tetsuro: Now I hear he has been revived from the dead using some kind of weird
twisted dance with a glowing ball and lighted floors...
Akane (sighing): Well, I guess it is true what they say that Disco never dies...
Tetsuro: So now, I must go back and kill this wretch zombie. I guess it must be
expected since he has a time castle.
Nabiki: Time castle?
Maetel: Mecha used it to go to various different parts of time to take people
and kill them. Then stuff them and mount them in totally inappropiate positions.
Tetsuro: He used my mother's corpse as a mount for a...a...horse! If there was
only some way to kill him once and for all!
Nabiki: You don't say. Hmm...I believe I have a solution. (She picks up her
celluar phone.) Hello, Father? Yes, it's me, Nabiki. Can you get Happousai on
the phone? It's urgent. Good.
***********************************
Captain Mecha: Now, having revived myself, I shall go and find people...(he
looks out and sees a short balded man jumping over the gate, moat, etc.)who
dares to enter my time castle without knocking. I'll make him age 150 years!
(He goes to the time chambers and plays around with some keys on a pipe organ.
He turns around to look at his monitor. Happousai is still coming towards the
castle.)
Mecha: Blast him! (He gasps as he looks closer at Happousai. He's still
Happousai, no older.) He hasn't aged! Well, then I'll turn him into a baby! (He
plays some more music. After a while, he turns around. Happousai is still
coming, but he isn't bald anymore.) What?! (Happousai crashes into the place.)
Happousai: Sweeto! Nabiki was right after all about this place! I've regained 65
years of my youth! (He splashes a barrel of water on Captain Mecha. Instant
girl. Then another barrel.) There, my pretty girl, you'll be a girl forever!
Mecha-chan (in a high pitched voice): Noooooo!!!!! It's so formulatic!!!
(Happousai bear hugs the girl. Mecha-chan throws Happousai into the organ. It
plays a lot of notes. From the outside the castle disappears from sight, slowly.
Back inside, Happousai throws himself at the girl, but Mecha-chan throws him
back to the organ, but harder. The organ is destroyed. Suddenly Mecha-chan looks
at the monitor. There's nothing but a lot of color and nothingness.)
Happousai: Well, I guess we're alone now. (He grins.)
Mecha-chan: You fool! Do you realized what you've done! You've teleports us 
into the timestream and then destroyed the organ of time! Now we're trapped 
here forever!!! (Happousai starts to go towards Mecha-chan. She starts to
scream. Then she runs; Happousai chases after her as the "Benny Hill" theme
song starts to play.)
*********************************
(The scene fades back to Galaxy Express 999. Some time has passed. The group is 
eating dinner in the Casablanca dining car. Claire and Maetel look unusually
excited.)
Maetel: Nabiki, you have done a whole lot for us. I don't know how to thank you!
Nabiki: Hey, I just made a couple of phone calls and things clicked.
Akane (blinking): Oneechan, how did you know the numbers to Mattel and DeBeers?
Nabiki: Eh, I have my sources.
(Switch to the Mattel company. We see C-ko playing around with a lot of toys.
Behind her are a couple of corporate henchmen.)
C-ko: Well, my dears, I have to sell some of my stock to Tendou Nabiki...would
she like D or E? (She holds up pictures of D and E, two very studdly men.)
Henchmen 1: Hmm...she's good.
Henchmen 2: Oh, very good.
Henchmen 3: Do you think she wants to eat my nuts?
Henchmen 4: Are you crazy? She's fifteen!
Henchmen 3: No, no, I don't mean those nuts. I'm talking about my bag of 
Planter's nuts.
Henchmen 4: Oh.
Henchmen 3: Besides, I'm dating Chibi-usa in Mattel's mecha-dolls division.
(The other three henchmen face-fault.)
Henchmen 1: Anyway...I doubt it, I mean kawaii girls that can't cook don't like
nuts.
C-ko: WHAT?! I love nuts! Especially planter's nuts! (C-ko throws a bunch of
dolls, stuff animals, and other Mattel (TM) products together until they make
the Planter's Mr. Peanut (TM) logo.) Ta da!
Henchmen 3: Oh, she's good.
Henchmen 1: Yes, very, very good.
Henchmen 2: Do you think I could date her?
*************************
Claire: I'm going to be the model for those DeBeers commericals!
Nabiki: Calm down, girl. Or else you'll be spilling that cold bucket of water
onto Ranma. (Ranma hides underneath the table.)
Ranma: Yeah. Really.
Tetsuro: Thank you for getting rid of Captain Mecha once and for all.
Nabiki: Eh, it was nothing. Now, who's ready for dessert? (The conductor walks
in.)
Conductor: Excuse me, but I have a message for you, Miss Tendou.
Nabiki: Which one of us?
Conductor: Kasumi. (Kasumi takes the envelope. The Conductor walks on. We hear a
thud a bit later. Unfazed, Kasumi opens the letter.)
Kasumi: Hmm...Dear Kasumi, welcome to Road Rules...and here's your first clue.
Go to a country that has a lot of temples, and ---oh, my--- a lot of elephants!
And really, how many Kings live fifty year anyway? Find out when you land in the
country that was a Rogers and Hammersteins' musical!
Daisuke: Rogers and Hammerstein? "Welcome to Woop Woop?" (Hirosuke whaps
Daisuke.)
Ranma: Hmm...who's Rogers and who's Hammerstein?
Akane: The duo that is best known for American Broadway Musicals. Let's
see..."The Sounds of Music"..."The King and I"..."South Pacific"..."State
Fair"...
Ryouga: Wait, wasn't the King and I about a musical in Siam?
Akane: Not exactly...
Ryouga: Well, Siam is now known as Thailand and there are a lot of elephants and
temples and 12-year-old protestitutes...(There's a eerie silence as everyone
look at Ryouga. Nabiki raises her eyebrow.)
Nabiki: Well, I guess ol' P-chan isn't a virgin, huh?
Ryouga (blushing): Um...no. B-b-but it was an accident! I-I-I-I was just asking
for directions in the rain! (Everyone else face-faults.) Really!
Akane: Congradulations, Ryouga, you're the biggest pervert that walked the face
of the earth! (She starts beating up on Ryouga.)
Ranma: At least it's not me.
Nabiki (into a wireless recorder): Note to self, next time, make sure I review
the script with the author...
****************************************
Next time: 3) I am Siam