Aikhanh Aubrey V. wrote:

This is my first time sending something to the mailing list, so if i
totally screw up this message, I'm really sorry

Bitter-Sweet Revenge: Chapter 1
The Beginning of Many Surprises
        By Ace Conners

        A ship flew to earth; its shape was different from any other Jurian
ships or Galaxy
Police's. It stopped flying once it reached the Earth's outer

Note the poor formatting.  This is the result of conversion of lines that
were initially too long.  Although not as bad as fics that keep their original
excessive line length, it should still be reorganised.  

atmosphere.   A pale faced
man stood inside looking at the planet.

comma after "inside"

        "Ryoko... I've finally found you after all this time.  Hiding on this
puny
planet?"  He said to himself.  He gave an icy smile.
"I hope you like surprises, because I have so many in store for you."
His shape shifted, from a tall built man,  becoming thinner. His back

"well-built"

length black hair, tied

"back length" doesn't really work as a descriptor.  

in a pony tail, became spiky, then changing to a cyan color.  His brown
eyes dilated,
and with a blink, they suddenly appeared golden and catlike.
He gave a diabolical laugh as his voice echoed along the corridors of
his ship.

        It was another lazy autumn day at the Masaki residence.  Tenchi wiped
sweat
from his brow and stood up from the weeding in the garden.  He looked
around and
saw all the girls busy at their chores and smiled.  

You know, lazy days are the ones where people don't do a lot of work.  

It had been a

peacful day so far,

"peaceful"

without any bickering from anyone, and the weather was a bit warm, but
pleasant.
        Of course, everyone was busy but Ryoko, who was floating on top of
Tenchi's bed half-
asleep and daydreaming.  Suddenly, Ayeka stormed into the room, her face
red
with anger and frustration.
        "Miss Ryoko!! I am so sick and tired of having to do all of your
chores!"  Ayeka
shouted out in fustration.
        "Then don't do it."  Ryoko replied barely opening an eye to look at
Ayeka.
Ayeka stood closer to Ryoko and she could feel the anguishing heat

"anguishing"?  I don't think so.  Perhaps "furious"?

emitting from
Ayeka.
        "You are the laziest person I have ever met!" Ayeka exclaimed, raising

Feh.  I'm sure she's met equally lazy people at court.  

her voice.
"Humph!! It is no surprise that Lord Tenchi doesn't love you!!" The
princess
commented.  Ryoko recognized this as a start for a fight; Ryoko stood up
and faced Ayeka.
        "Is that so, your highness?" Ryoko asked in a sarcastic manner,

"Your Highness"

clenching her fists
ready to rumble.  "Well I'm sorry for not being a miss perfect like you.
But
at least I'm not a whining little bitch everyday!" She gave Ayeka a

delete "everyday" or at least split it into "every day"

vicious look but the
princess ignored it and glared back, they stood like that until Ayeka
finally lost her composure.
        "Oh! I can't stand you anymore!  You are always disagreeing with
everything and you
never do your share of the work!!  You are an arrogant, selfish, and a
lazy monster!!"

"You are arrogant, selfish, and a lazy monster!".  One exclamation point
is sufficient.  

Ayeka cursed at the demon who was getting angry and angrier by the

No she didn't.  "Cursing" would involve the invocation of misfortune
or, more commonly, obscene invective.

second.  "I am so
surprised that Lord Tenchi has not realized what a mistake he made when
he
released you from the cave!  You have brought nothing but trouble and
bad luck in his life
and have never helped him with anything!"  the princess criticized, with
knives in her voice.
Remembering the cave, it brought some kind of dark fear in Ryoko
and ,surprisingly, Ryoko took a step back..

Misplaced comma.  

        "That's not true, Ayeka!" she growled, but the princess only looked at
her with
contempt.
        "Oh no? You never help anyone! In fact, YOU are the one who usually
causes the
trouble! Ruining everything. Making poor Lord Tenchi clean everything
up!  How
will Tenchi choose you?! He will think of his future children and then
he will look at
you and see that you don not care about anyone else but yourself.
You are so lazy and selfish, you would never be a good wife or mother."
Ayeka suddenly had a
thought and began to sneer at Ryoko.
        "In fact, I don't think things would work even if he chose you, eh?
Alien and Jurian
blood do not mix, am I right, Ryoko?  So he wouldn't choose you anyway
because
you cannot bear him children, isn't that correct?  You're sterile?"
Ayeka saw
Ryoko's face fall. Ayeka stared at Ryoko directly into her eyes, and
Ryoko turned, unable to
stare back.
        "You thought no one knew, Ryoko?"
        "Ayeka, shut up!... that isn't any of your damn business!"  Ryoko
argued.  Ayeka had
managed to break through to Ryoko, who was beginning to look defeated.
Ryoko
stared at the ground.
        "Everyone knows you cannot have Tenchi's children."  Ayeka mocked and
gave a soft laugh
and continued.  "So I guess I should not be worrying about competition.
Tenchi
will never choose you, because, when Tenchi grows up, he will think of
having a family,
something so simple but such a great space pirate can't do!  One day,
Ryoko, you will go too
far, and when he realizes what kind of evil person your really are,

"you really are"

he'll lock you up
back into the cave just like his grandfather did."
        "Ayeka! Please!" Ryoko defended, begging not to be reminded of the

Whoops.  Overkill.  Stop here.  I'd suggest deleting everything between
"Ayeka!" and "broke her heart".  

hellish
place, the place where she was totally helpless.  But the princess was
enjoying
watching the pirate squirm uncomfortably under her stare.
        "He'll lock you back up eventually, Ryoko.  Back into that cold, dark,
lonely
cave.  And you'll never see him again."  Trying to plug Ayeka's voice
out,Ryoko covered her ears.
The memories hurt so much! Shr hated that hell and vowed to never to be
captured back into there.
And the thought of never seeing Tenchi again! It nearly broke her heart!
Finally, Ryoko looked up
and surprised the princess when she saw Ryoko's face covered with tears.
        "My Tenchi will never do that to me!" She cried as a tear rolled down
and
splashed onto the ground. Ryoko quickly teleported and left the room in
tears.
        The princess began to panic.  Had she gone too far?  She had never seen
Ryoko
break down and cry just because of a few words!! No..... they weren't

Too many exclamation points.  Her internal monologue would be more effective
if it was lower key.  

just
words, they were daggers that had plunged into the pirates' heart.  Of
course! Ryoko wasn't
bulletproof, she had feelings too!  What would Tenchi say if he found
out what
Ayeka had done to Ryoko??  Ayeka suddenly felt incredibly ashamed.  What
kind of
princess was she?  Had had acted foolishly ,unable to control herself,
how could she command so many Jurains?

The above sentence makes no sense and needs rewriting.  

        All at once, Ayeka felt a small burst of wind of someone who had
transported
behind her.  She turned around to see a bush of spiky cyan hair and
flashing
gold eyes.  Ayeka was to surprised to react and at that moment, with an
evil smile,  hands

No.  The hands did not have an evil smile.  "too surprised".

from gold-eyed person shoved her.  Glass from Tenchi's window broke as
Ayeka was pushed
out and she gave out a scream as she fell from the second floor all the
way down to
the ground.

        The sound of glass breaking and a scream brought Tenchi and the rest of
the
group rushing to where Ayeka laid.  Tenchi gave a gasp of terror as
Ayeka came into
view. Ayeka laid on the broken glass and she had fallen straight onto a
pipe running into her
back and coming out through the other side through her chest.  She had

A little clearer description wouldn't hurt.  Why was that pipe sticking up
in the first place?  "fallen straight onto a pipe, driving it into her
back and out through her chest."

hit the floor head first,
leaving her hair matted with blood.  Tenchi held her in his arms as
grandfather pulled
the pipe out.  Sasami seemed to take the worst.  In all the commotion,

"Sasami's face turned pale and she buried her face against Mihoshi, 
trying not to cry.  

her face turned pale and she buried her face against Mihoshi trying not
to cry.  Mihoshi began
crying, mumbling something about a funeral.
        "Mihoshi, get Sasami out of here.  you two can't handle this."

"You"

Katsuhito ordered her.
        "Oh god! Ayeka! What happened??!!??" Tenchi asked, his face grief
stricken.
Her blood began pouring onto his clothes in great quantities.

"Her blood began to flood over his clothes" might sound better.

        "Quickly, Tenchi!" Katsuhito told him.  "We must get her to Washu's
lab."
        Unaware of anything that had happened, Ryoko was sitting by the tree
Funaho.
Hearing all of the cries and shouts, she transported back to Tenchi's
room and
looked out to see Ayeka in Tenchi's arms looking half dead with her
Jurian clothes doused
in blood.  She looked around to see what could have happened in Tenchi's
room that had done
this to Ayeka, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. Tenchi look up
to see Ryoko
looking back at them from his room and he frowned in suspicion.  When
she saw Tenchi's
look, Ryoko had an uneasy feeling and backed away from the window.
At that moment, Ayeka slowly opened her eyes and murmured something to
Tenchi.
        "What is it? What are you trying to say, Ayeka??" Tenchi asked.  She
finally
managed to sputter, a bit of blood dribbling down her chin,
"Ryoko...Ryoko pushed me. She pushed me out the window...."
and she fell into unconsciousness.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Believe?

Tenchi stood beside Ayeka's side as she lay on the bed with a machine
was gave

"giving her"

her artificial respiration.  <How could Ryoko do such a thing? >  Tenchi
angrily thought
to himself.  At first, the scientists eye's opened wide in surprise as
everyone rushed into
her lab with Tenchi carrying a very hurt and bloody Ayeka. She was even
more surprised
when Katsuhito explained that everyone suspected of Ryoko doing this to
her.  Washu
had worked for a couple hours, mending Ayeka's wounds. She had just told
everyone that
the pipe had nearly missed Ayeka's heart. The scientist had done all she
could.  The rest
depended on Ayeka alone.  She was on the verge of surviving or dying.

Washu would probably be pretty confident of Ayeka's chances.  She is,
after all, the greatest scientist in the universe.  

The only way to
tell if she would live was if she could survive for next 24 hours.
Everyone worried.  Was
Ryoko really trying to kill Ayeka? What was going to happen to Ryoko?
No one had
seen her after Ayeka was rushed to Washu's lab and no one went to look
for her.  Not
even Tenchi.

Ryoko was somewhere in the woods.  No one had spoken to her and they had
all
given her a look of repulsion as they passed by her while carrying Ayeka
away.  It didn't
take long for her to figure it out.  They all thought she had pushed
Ayeka through
Tenchi's window.  How would she convince them it wasn't true? How could
Ayeka tell
them that lie??!! Ayeka wouldn't throw her self out the window, she

One question mark should suffice.  

wasn't like that, so
who did? Of course, Ryoko was positive it wasn't herself. Everything was

I think you can safely delete "Of course...herself" without losing anything.  

happening so
quickly. She had to tell Tenchi the truth first.  She didn't care if
everyone else hated her,
but she needed Tenchi to believe her first of all.  If Tenchi believed
her, then everyone
else would, and everything would be ok.

Tenchi stayed beside Ayeka and held her hand.  "I'm sorry... I'm sorry
this
happened to you."  He apologized to her.  His head was full with so many
thoughts at the
same time.  What was he going to have to do Ryoko? This time she had

"about Ryoko"

gone too far.
Something had to be done.
Just then, Tenchi sensed Ryoko's presence as soon as she teleported in.
Tenchi's
back faced her as she walked to him softly.
"Tenchi, I need to talk to you."  She told him.  Her hand touched his
shoulder.  He
cringed and shrugged it off.  Surprised, Ryoko backed away.  This was
the first time
Tenchi had shown deep hostility to her.
"There's nothing to talk about, Ryoko.  I just need time to think."
"You think I pushed her, don't you?  Tenchi! I wouldn't do such a thing
to her!
You know I don't like Ayeka, but I don't hate her so much as to try and
kill her!" she
cried out to him, grabbing onto his arm.  He pulled it free and finally
looked at her.  She
saw him glare in disappointment.
"Ryoko, how could you say you didn't do it?  Look at her!" Tenchi said,
pointing
to Ayeka.   "Ayeka said you did.  Do you think she would just jump
through the window?
And when I looked up, I saw you up there.  With what I saw and what
Ayeka SAID, it's
all the proof.  She was the main witness.  She wouldn't lie about
something like this.  If
you didn't, who did?!?"  He asked her.  He turned back to Ayeka, holding
her hand.
When Ryoko saw this, a hard lump forced it's way into her throat.  A
chest felt pressured

Too much.  "A hard lump forced it's way into her throat.  The pressure
in her chest made her hurt to breathe."

and it hurt to breath and talk.  But she took a deep breath and began
talking again.
"Tenchi! Don't you know me by now?? Tenchi!" she pleaded to him.  "I

Delete "to him"

would
never do anything to hurt you!  If would never hurt her because I know

"I would never"

it would hurt
you!"
"Ryoko.... I need some time.  I just don't know what to do with you."
"Tenchi!! I didn't do it!! I can't explain it, but I didn't hurt Ayeka!
I didn't push
her out of the window! I don't know who did, but it wasn't ME!"
"Just leave me alone, ok?!" he lashed out.  Ryoko's eye's widened in
surprised.
She shook her head in disbelief.  Tenchi didn't believe her?  Sadly, she
faded out to give
him space.
After witnessing the drama, Washu stepped out in from within shadows and
looked at Tenchi and then at the spot where Ryoko had disappeared, then
headed to
where she knew Ryoko would be.

Meanwhile, on the ship hovering above the Earth's atmosphere, the
mysterious
man watched through his screen.  It had a close up view of Tenchi's
house.  Surprisingly,
he was able to see in Washu's lab. He had seen Tenchi and Ryoko argue

"into"

and he smiled
slyly.
"Are we having fun yet, Ryoko? Just wait, Ryoko.  I have a lot more
surprises for
you."
Washu could hear crying up on the rafters and knew it was her daughter.
It was
the only place where she let out her emotions.  It was her own private
place.  Ryoko was
crying her heart out when she felt a hand touch her shoulder in comfort.
She looked up to
see her mother, Washu.  Ryoko turned away and continued crying.  Washu
could read
Ryoko's "no one believes me" thoughts.
Washu used the mind link.  She re-ran what Ryoko had experienced and
knew the
truth.
"I know you didn't do it, daughter.  I'm on your side.  Why don't you
tell Tenchi
what happened?"  Washu suggested.  Ryoko shook her head.
"It's no use.  You saw it yourself.  He wouldn't even give me a chance.
He
doesn't even want to listen.  He doesn't care about me.... he never
did." Ryoko told
Washu, dejectedly. Washu caressed her daughter's hair.
"I can talk to Tenchi. I'm the greatest scientist in the universe.  I
can prove
anything." She suggested.  Ryoko looked at her mother for a moment, but
shook her head
again sadly.
"No.  This is beyond just proving who tried to hurt Ayeka.  If Tenchi
actually
cared for me, he would have listened to me in the first place, but you
saw how he was.
He didn't even want to look at me! He hates me!... he hates me..." and
she started crying
over again.
"Don't be senseless, you know he doesn't, Ryoko... he's just confused.
There's
so much he has going on in his mind.  Give him time.  He has to sort
everything out.
He'll realize what a fool he's been.  He'll know the truth about who
tried harming Ayeka.
The Truth will prevail." Washu comforted.  Ryoko was heaving great sobs,
and Washu
did the motherly thing and took Ryoko into her arms, letting her
daughter cry on her

Somehow I doubt that Washu knows the motherly thing to do.  

shoulder.  "Ryoko, are you sure you don't want me to do anything? Not
even a little
boost?"  Ryoko sniffled and very slightly smiled..
"No.... He has to do this on his own.  If he loves me... or even cares
about me, he
should really know me, and know the truth. And Ayeka will tell him the
truth if she really
is a person with honor."  Ryoko replied.  There was a long silence as
Washu sat beside
Ryoko holding her hand to calm her.  Ryoko shifted after a while.
"Thanks for being
here with me... mother."  She told Washu, who smiled.  They sat there on
the roof
looking at the stars together, experiencing one of those quiet motherly
daughterly
moments.

"mother-daughter" and it would probably be their first such moment.  

It was late at night when Washu entered into her lab.  She left Ryoko,
who had
refused to come down the rafters,  asleep and everyone else in the house

"from the rafters"

was sleeping.
Tenchi slept on a chair beside Ayeka's side.  Washu checked on Ayeka.
She nodded in
relief as she read Ayeka's status report.  It was good news.  Washu's
mind was bustling
with many thoughts and questions.  The main question that held in
Washu's mind was
about Ayeka and Ryoko.  If it wasn't Ryoko who pushed Ayeka out, who was
it?  And
why did it look like Ryoko?  Even Washu knew that the princess would not
injure herself
or lie about this, so it was someone who pushed her out... but who?  She
went to her
universal computer and began her search for anything irregular that had
happened since
yesterday.
In the morning, Tenchi woke up to see Ayeka still on the bed.  Washu
stood
beside him.  "How is she?" Tenchi asked.
Washu nodded, "She'll live."  Tenchi gave out a sigh of relief.  They
stayed there
for a minute thinking their own thoughts.  "You don't think Ryoko did
this to Ayeka, do
you?"  Washu finally asked.  Tenchi frowned.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Do you?"
"I said I don't want to talk about it."  Washu looked at Tenchi, who
avoided her
stare.  Being uncomfortable in the position Washu was putting him in, he
finally stated,
"There's so much proof that she did.  I know you're just being a
protective mother.  But
there are so much evidence and they all lead to Ryoko.  So what else can
I say?  You're a
scientist; you can put two and two together.  And what do you get?
Wouldn't you say
Ryoko did it?"  Washu thought for a moment and gave a sigh.
 "... Sometimes, you don't need facts and clues to prove anything.
Sometimes all
you have to do is look into your heart and what you believe, and you'll
find the truth,
Tenchi.  It doesn't take a scientist to figure that out." And with that,
the genius left
shaking her head, leaving Tenchi to think.  The quote hit him hard and
he sat on the chair
thinking for minutes, till half an hour passed, then an hour.  Suddenly,
Ayeka stirred and
her eyes fluttered open.  "Tenchi..." she called softly with a smile.
Surprised, Tenchi
broke from his chain of thought and called for everyone to come.
"Ayeka's awake, everyone!!!!!"  He yelled.  He turned to her.  "How are
you
feeling?"  She smiled and noticed his hand holding onto hers and began
to blush.
"I'm a bit exhausted and a little pained, but I will live, Lord Tenchi."
She said
lightly.
"Ayeka, I was so worried! We were all worried for you! We all thought we
were
going to lose you!" Tenchi exclaimed.  Hearing Tenchi worrying so much
about her and
his grip tighten on her hands made Ayeka's heart fluttered with joy.
<Tenchi really does
care for me! >  She thought to herself feeling incredibly elated.

"she thought", comma after "herself"

Tenchi began re-telling
her what had happen after she fell.  How she bled so much, how she
almost died, the pipe
going through her chest, but he avoided saying much about Ryoko.  She
listened
widening her eyes once in a while in uneasiness while he told her.
"I want to thank you, Lord Tenchi, for being with me in my greatest hour
of
need."  Ayeka said to him.  She looked up into his eyes and it was
almost as if a surge of
electricity went through her.  His brown eyes were kind and smiling at
her, reinvigorating
her and she felt very much alive. To Ayeka's disappointment, their
moment was
interrupted when everyone else rushed into room.  Everyone was relieved
to see Ayeka
well and on the road to recovery.  Sasami was the most relieved to see
her sister. Almost
bursting into tears, she ran to her sister and embraced her.

So, what do you think? This was my first attempt to write a fan fic, so
it's
probably not one of the best things you've read.  Tell me what you think

Please e-mail
me at AceConners@hotmail.com and give me some comments so I can improve!
Thanks
for reading my story, I'll try to write the next chapter.
I haven't seen the OAV series which I'm trying to base the story on, I

Don't TELL people stuff like that.  I've never understood why anyone felt
inclined to confess that they were writing fanfic about something they'd
never seen.  It will not incline someone to cut you slack.  Just write the
story.  

As for the story as a whole, you have an interesting plot, and acceptable
characterisation.  The chief problem I see, is that this is more or less
a freak accident so far as Tenchi could tell, so why isn't he cutting 
Ryoko more slack?  Ordinarily I'd expect him to believe that Ryoko did 
"do it", but be prepared to make some excuses for her.  

only know
about it from what I read, so it'd be really nice if anyone read my
story and
saw something wrong and told me so I can fix it.
Also, I realize, because my fave character is Ryoko, I unwarily made
Ayeka into
a really bad guy, which is totally bias because she has a good caring
character,
so in the rest of the story, I'll try to do some work on Ayeka.

I'd suggest that you can start now, just by cutting down some of her
monologue.  It isn't necessary for her to continue grinding on Ryoko
at such length.  

Ace Conners

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