Letting Go

By: Dreiser


	The cool night air touches my skin and I shiver under its soft 
assault. Clasping my hands on the thick marble of the balcony I study 
the night sky.
	The sky is black. Black reminds me of death. Death reminds 
me of myself.
	A slight wind kicks up and I hug myself for warmth as I watch 
the steady lap of the waves hitting the beach. Since I was little I've 
loved the ocean.
	It reminds me of the comforts and safety of childhood. When 
things were much more simple.
	As a child I knew what I wanted and I asked for it. It may 
have taken me awhile to work up the courage to ask but nevertheless 
I asked. And when I did I was usually rewarded by receiving 
whatever I had asked for.
	I'm now an adult and have since realized that simply asking for 
something doesn't always insure that you'll get it.
	Over the years I've always longed for one thing and one thing 
only but I've yet to ask for it.
	I doubt very much that I'll ever be able to work up the 
courage to ask for it. As painful as it is sometimes you have to realize 
that some things will remain unattainable.
	And for me she will always remain unattainable.
	"Aren't you cold out here?"
	My eyes close at the irony of the situation. I simply think of 
her and she appears. The Kami must enjoy to torture me because I 
can find no other explanation for the horrible string of luck in my life.
	I look to her and give a small smile.
	"I don't mind the cold. I was looking at the stars. They're 
pretty, aren't they?"
	She walks closer and stops next to me. Her gentle hands rest 
on the balcony as she tilts her head back to stare into the night sky 
that once preoccupied me so.
	"They're very pretty."
	Her gaze locks with my own and she adds softly.
	"Just like you."
	I duck my eyes and I can feel my cheeks flush from her 
words. Why must she always tease me so? I know that nothing can 
come from it. She's much too good for me and I know it. Her strength 
is amazing and it is because I've seen that strength with my own eyes 
that I know she would never want an emotional weakling like me.
	"Thank you."
	"For what? All I did was tell the truth."
	There's a hint of rage in her voice and I meet her eyes upon 
hearing it. She studies me closely and I shrink under her gaze. It has 
always bothered me... the attention of others.
	She suddenly sets her jaw and questions.
	"You don't believe me do you? You think I was just being 
nice when I said that you were pretty."
	I blink at the anger in her words and I can only stare at her 
helplessly as she continues on.
	"I wouldn't lie about something like that! Why would I? What 
purpose would it serve?"
	In a movement of obvious frustration she shakes her head and 
runs her fingers through tousled bangs. She gives a ragged sigh and 
looks to me.
	"You're the only one who can do this to me, you do know 
that right? I've had to learn perfect diplomacy over the years but as 
soon as I talk to you..." She rolls her eyes and says wryly, "It seems 
to fly right out the window."
	There is a long moment of silence and I study her through 
lidded eyes before I offer my defense.
	"I'm sorry."
	Her gaze drops to the railing of the balcony and she slumps 
onto it burying her head in her arms. She sighs once again and says in 
muffled tones.
	"Sorry for what? You didn't do anything. You never do 
anything. It's always me."
	My body goes numb when I hear this. I never do anything? 
She doesn't know just how right she is. After all, I've let countless 
years pass without ever doing anything about my feelings for her. 
While she keeps trying... for some reason she keeps trying to be 
friends with me.
	I lock my gaze onto her. She has lifted her head and her chin 
rests on her arms as she stares out into the ocean. I desire her... I 
want her... I love her...
	It's about time that I told her that.
	"It embarrasses me when you give me compliments. It 
embarrasses me because of how they makes me feel."
	She looks up at me in quiet disbelief.
	"How... how do they make you feel?"
	"Loved."
	"Loved?"
	"Yes. I know you don't love me--"
	"Of course I do! You're my best friend! I--"
	I shake my head at this and interrupt her with gentle words 
laced with steel.
	"No. I meant that you don't love me as I love you. I know that 
you care for me as a friend but I no longer care for you that way."
	In a smooth graceful movement she pushes herself up to stand 
at her full height across from me. She reaches out to take my hand 
tenderly into her own.
	"I don't understand what you're saying."
	My eyes remain focused on the cold marble of the balcony 
floor. Slowly I lift my gaze to meet hers and swallowing the lump in 
my throat I say simply.
	"I'm in love with you. I love you not as a friend but as a lover. 
I have for quite some time now and that's why I've pushed you away 
these past few years. It hurts too much to be with you and to still... 
not be with you."
	She releases my hands and turns from me. I watch as her 
shoulders tense while she grips the railing to the balcony.
	"You're in love with me?"
	Before I can reply she faces me and her eyes are glowing with 
a ferocity I've never seen in her.
	"You've been in love with me for years now and you never felt 
the need to tell me before now? Didn't you think that this is something 
I'd like to know about?"
	I blink at this. I never expected her to be indignant or angry at 
me. Disgust or pity were the emotions that I had been expecting to 
see from her. I meet her eyes then offer my oldest and most used 
defense.
	"I'm sorry."
	"You're sorry? Is that all you can say?!"
	She gives a sudden cry of frustration and looking up to the 
heavens she mutters to herself. When she lowers her eyes to meet 
mine she sighs and says.
	"Idiot. I'm in love with you too."
	My eyes go wide at this and I whisper.
	"Really?"
	At this she laughs lightly and walks to me. She gently cups my 
face in her hands and I shiver as I feel her hot breath on my skin. Our 
lips are millimeters apart as she replies.
	"Really."
	We draw together in a searing embrace and when we pull 
apart from the need of air I can feel myself smiling. Her head rests on 
my chest and I pull her closer. Hoping it isn't a dream I say her name.
	"Chibausa."
	She lifts her head and warm scarlet eyes smile at me. The tips 
of her fingers lightly caress my face and she says my name softly like it 
was a prayer.
	"Hotaru."
	Our smiles deepen and as we move in for another passionate 
embrace I can feel myself let go of my fears from the past because 
now I have everything I've ever wanted.
	And everything I could've ever asked for.
	
-End-

Both characters from this fanfiction are from Sailor Moon. I did this 
fanfic because some friends asked me to try a hand at this couple. I 
normally don't think of Chibausa and Hotaru in romantic terms but 
since reading the fanfics by the Amazoness Duo I've changed my 
mind. Please don't write to me saying that these characters are much 
too young for this sort of thing. I realize that and I did age them 
appropriately so nothing scandalous would be going on. Now I'm off 
to listen to the Key: The Metal Idol soundtrack.

Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com

"Hanging onto the past, it only stands in the way. We have to go for a 
love that lasts."
-Tina Turner-