For all who read this, including you Stephen... bear with me.  I 
might have messed up poor Stephen's editing cleaning this up for my 
sake...

A Little Earlier

A Ranma Fan Fiction by Stephen Ratliff

Part 2: Add Ryoga and a challenge

In which I add a ongoing thread and continue a common ending.

Well, into the abyss of C&C I go...

  The next morning, Akane lingered in the school yard, waiting for 
Ranma to arrive.  Just a couple minutes before the bell, Ranma 
appeared at the gate, dragging another guy along.  The newcomer 
appeared to be in the same grade as Akane and Ranma.   He was built 
rather stocky, and wore a rather big backpack.

Considering that this is Akane at school, shouldn't she be fighting 
off her attackers in the morning?  (I haven't read the first volume 
of your fic, so I'm going off of canon here.  Talking about canon, 
Ranma with Ryouga... this quick?  Well, like I said, I didn't read 
your first work...)  Also, the repetition of "appeared" and "rather" 
is a bit distracting.

 "Hurry up, Ryoga, I don't want to be late," Ranma said.  "And pay
attention, you don't want to be lost again."

My impression of Ranma is one who really cares less about being 
late.  However, I'm always willing to accept other versions.

 "Good morning, Ranma," Akane said, coming up beside him.  "Who is 
your friend?"

In Nerima?  Almost no one, if you get right down to it...*weak laugh*

[snip]

 "A pine plywood sliding door verses a solid oak swinging one... 
really similar, Ryoga," Ranma said.  Ryoga slumped.  "We better get 
to class."

"versus"... this is quite an eloquent version of Ranma... wonder 
where he learned it from, considering Genma.

 "Right," Akane said.  "Say, Ranma, do you have chocolate pudding 
again today?"
 "If you've got cherry pie, it's a trade," Ranma said.

Hmm... Ranma and Akane are being unnaturally polite to one another... 
and it's pretty obvious that Ryouga doesn't have the same crush on 
Akane that he has in the manga/anime, or something would have been 
stated by now.  I'm pretty sure that you've changed this story that 
Ranma and Genma don't go to Jyusenkyo and get cursed (with all the 
troubles attendant in it), so this is going to be like a serial of 
some sort.  Well, I'll try to respond accordingly, and stay out of 
that portion of canon from now on.

 Akane watched in awe as Ranma did a set of maneuvers on the uneven 
bars.  Sure she'd fought Ranma in the Dojo, but the grace and 
difficulty he accomplished in Gym was amazing.  She hadn't been 
impressed with the balance beam, his walking on the fences had shown 
that would be a breeze for him.  The rings were expected.  They were 
an air born kanta.  But something about the splits turns and twists 
captivated Akane.  Her attention was centered on Ranma to the 
exclusion of all else as Ranma made his finish, a double flip 
with a quarter twist, so he ended up facing the teacher.

  Minor, little, small kinds of nitpicks... "dojo" and "gym" 
shouldn't really be capitalized, and "airborne".
  Also sounds like Ranma might be a medal contender in 2000.  (That 
is, if scandals haven't totally cancelled the Olympics)

 "Was that the demonstration you desired, Sensei?" Ranma asked with 
a smirk.  The teacher had caught him talking to Ryoga and suggested 
that if he believed he had no need to learn how to use the 
equipment, perhaps he would demonstrate.  So he had done three 
excellent routines, to which his class had given him spontaneous 
tens.  This time was no different. 

That's one part of Ranma I'm familiar with... the cocky Ranma.  Guess 
that's never washed out of him.  Also, I think that "This time was no 
different" is a bit out of place.  Connect it a bit better to Ranma 
excelling after never being taught something, and it might flow 
better.

 "I believe that will be enough for now, Saotome," the teacher 
said. "You may return to your place.  Mr. Hibiki, perhaps you would 
like ..."

PFFT... "PERSONAL FOUL, UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT... FIFTEEN YARD 
PENALTY, FIRST DOWN!"... sorry, with Ranma showboating that 
flagrantly, I couldn't resist... especially to any teacher, 
considering the system of punishment (Hinako or Principal Kuno... and 
I say Hinako since you already introduced Ryouga).

 The bell rung for class change, cutting off what ever the teacher 
was going to say.  There would not be much time for the class to 
change and get to their next class, but they spent as much as 
possible gathered around Ranma asking questions.  As Akane waited 
for him, both were late for lunch.

"whatever", "as much *time* as possible".  This last one doesn't 
sound right in its present form.  Even if you substituted my *time* 
with *of it*
Co-ed gym class... no comment, just slightly strange (IMO)

Akane was really enjoying her chocolate pudding, but she really was
enjoying Nabiki's expression of desire.  Akane had finally found 
Nabiki's weakness, and it was chocolate.  And thanks to Ranma, she 
had really big bowl of chocolate pudding in front of her.

  *chuckle*... Nabiki... with a *weakness*?  Wow, quite an 
alternaverse you're building for yourself.  Imagine controlling the 
manipulator of Ranma 1/2 with a "kiss"!  (heehee!)  Hershey's, of 
course...
  More to the point, though, the first sentence could be better 
worded.  Seems a bit awkward and clunky in its present state.  Or, 
you could split it up...

 "Ranma, are you sure you don't have any more pudding," Nabiki 
asked for the fourth time.

If she's asking, would a question mark be more applicable?

 "No, I gave Akane the last pudding," Ranma said, as he ate Akane's 
cherry pie.  "There won't be any more until Dad buys food at the end 
of the week."

Genma Saotome?  Domestic husband?  Hmm, strange place...

 "Darn, can't I have even a taste, Akane?" Nabiki asked.
 "Okay, you can have a taste, Nabiki, but I get to chose what to 
watch on television tonight," Akane replied.		

"choose"

[snip]

 "I still think you shouldn't have shown up the Sensei," Akane said.
 "Hey, she was asking for it," Ranma said.  "With at least three 
martial artists, and that champion gymnast, Kuno what's her name..."
 "Kodachi," Nabiki supplied.
 "... In the class, she should know better than to say that none of 
us would be considered good gymnasts at the end of the month," Ranma 
said.  "Give me that month, and I'd have most of the class up to 
Kodachi's level, at least."

So Kodachi's in the same high school that Ranma, Akane, Ryouga, and 
Nabiki are in... well, again, off canon.  Thing is, though, I'm sort 
of surprised that this is changed. (for no apparent reason)  In most 
alternaverses, you want to provide as much connection to the canon as 
possible, that way people can recognize it.  I suppose this is one of 
those exceptions.

 "And you'll get that chance, Mr. Saotome," the gym teacher said, 
as she poked her head between Ranma and Akane.  "We'll see if you 
end up eating your words."

Hmm... I would think that a teacher would be standing above a student 
when issuing a challenge, not bending over and "stooping to their 
level" (in a manner of speaking).  I am quite happy to see that Ranma 
also still has foot in mouth syndrome, though.

 Akane relaxed in the furo.  The sparring today had been on 
balance.  Akane had little trouble with matching Ranma on the rings, 
in their after school practice session.  The uneven bars hadn't been 
that hard either... but for some reason, she couldn't stay on that 
beam.  So, Ranma had set up a two by six over the pond in the 
garden, and Akane had spent the next half and hour falling into the 
pond, until finally she had sent Ranma into the pond.

Shouldn't the exercise today concern balance? (rather than 
sparring/on)  Besides, putting Akane anywhere near that pond, or any 
open water, is an invitation to danger.  Or at the very least, it 
should be.  Again, way off canon and I'm not really seeing a reason 
for it.  Besides, Ranma and Akane were practicing in the gym a few 
seconds ago, why not practice where there is official equipment and 
mats for a bit better falling?

 Akane looked forward to gym the next three weeks.  The Sensei was 
giving Ranma nearly free reign in teaching the class, and Ranma had
appointed her "Chief Assistant in Charge of the Girls."  She was 
going to have so much fun!  

Ranma delegating authority on training?  Especially since Akane still 
doesn't have even basics down yet?  Since Kodachi is in this 
particular class, and a "champion gymnast", shouldn't she be helping 
Ranma out (ignoring everything else)?  One last: I note that Akane 
has a title... please refrain from that sort of stuff.

 Akane noticed that her fingers were beginning to get a little 
wrinkled, so she rose to exit the furo.  Just as she picked up her 
towel, the door opened to reveal Ranma, also naked.

Here we add a bit of lime to the tequila........

 "Sorry, Akane, Nabiki said you were done," Ranma said, as he 
blushed and began to retreat.
 "I am now," Akane said, blushing as she took in the view Ranma was
offering. "It's all yours." Ranma entered the bath, and Akane 
exited, neither remembering to cover themselves. As Akane dressed, 
she thought, "I've got stop Nabiki from doing this... still, it does 
have it's advantages."  Then blushing at the last unbidden thought, 
she exited the changing room to find Nabiki.

and notice Akane's total lack of inhibitions.  Not to mention 
Ranma's, for that matter.  That's the first thing that gets Akane 
angry at Ranma, as a matter of fact... to the point that she's 
willing to brain him with a table.  Granted, this is a long way from 
the start of the mallets, but on the other hand Akane really wasn't 
all that thrilled with being seen by Ranma.
  Also, this last scene seems a bit gratuitous... I'm assuming you're 
going to explain it a bit more in upcoming work.

As usual, any and all C&C accepted, but please try not to sound 
hostile.  

I certainly hope I achieved that goal for you.  I'm just a harmless 
little voice in cyberspace, after all... not all that threatening, 
I'd think.

(Ranma Fan Fiction is not going to be totally destroyed just because 
I started writing it... I get the strangest e-mail.  Oh well, it 
takes all kinds of Critique to make a good story.)

You're right... I think Oscar might damage Ranma fanfic a bit more if 
he puts Ranma in a cat-lemon... sorry for opening any fresh wounds 
for all you on the reading list.

Stephen Ratliff
--
Stephen Ratliff

  Good parts?  There are a few in this fic.  As stated before, only 
Ranma could put his foot in his mouth that well.  It's pretty clean 
of proof errors, too.  Always a point in my book.
  You know, I'm quite curious as to where you're taking this.  Like I 
said, I missed out on your first episode, so I'm missing a key piece 
of background on this.  Especially since you have chosen to stray 
from canon so much.  Anyway, work with this premise a bit and see if 
you can't sprinkle a little more canon in it, to relate it more to 
the Ranma 1/2 series.

  --- S. "Zoogz" Jamison
  ---who was about three seconds from turning this into an MST, but 
figured since it's five in the morning, why bother?


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