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"The Replacement Ranmas"
by Angus MacSpon
macspon@ihug.co.nz
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/fanfic/index.html
Part Four
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[Furinkan High, day. A PE class is in session. The boys are doing
gymnastics; the girls are playing softball, some distance off. TENCHI
is just finishing a dazzling display of mid-air manoeuvres, ending up
with a perfect octuple somersault dismount. For some reason, his hair
is standing on end.]
TEACHER: Very impressive, Ranma.
TENCHI: Oh, well, it was nothing. Mid-air, um, stuff is the speciality
of the Saotome school of Anything-Goes martial arts.
[A few sparks leap between his fingers.]
TEACHER: Have you ever considered doing this at a higher level? You
might even be a possibility for the Olympics.
TENCHI [sweating]: Um. No, that might not be such a good idea. Er,
I've really got to go ...
[A faint humming sound can be heard, rising in pitch and volume.]
TEACHER [disappointed]: Oh. Well, think about it. Or you might
consider Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics -- there's a strong local
following --
[TENCHI's ears are beginning to glow.]
TENCHI [gabbling]: Excuse-me-bye!
[He sprints away. As he goes, he pulls a small control box out of his
pocket and stabs at the controls hastily. The box is labelled, "Anti-
Gravity Generator -- Property of 'Greatest Scientific Mind in the
Universe Inc (TM)'. Extreme Danger. Mihoshi, This Means You." He
finally manages to find the "off" switch.]
TENCHI: Man, that was close.
BOX: Matter/anti-matter collision aborted. Have a nice day. Breep.
[The humming slowly fades away, and his hair collapses back to its
normal shape. His ears continue to glow for several seconds, however.]
TENCHI [muttering]: Damn show-offish mid-air martial arts ...
[He mops his brow, and walks over to join a paid of boys who have been
watching the display.]
TENCHI: Hey, Hiroshi, Daisuke. What's up?
MITSURU: I am merely contemplating some of life's imponderables.
SHINOBU: He's thinking about girls.
MITSURU: I am not.
SHINOBU: Oh?
MITSURU: If they can't stop thinking about me, that's their problem. I
don't see why I should have to spend all my time thinking about _them_.
TENCHI and SHINOBU: [Facefault.]
[The fanfic control room. HIROSHI and DAISUKE are watching the action
on a viewscreen.]
DAISUKE: Hey, you got someone in to play us! Cool!
HIROSHI: Well, it just wouldn't be complete without us, would it?
DAISUKE: ... Which one is me?
HIROSHI: [Facefaults.]
[The AUTHOR strolls in. He has a copy of "La Reine Margot" by Alexandre
Dumas, which he is pretending to read, in his hand.]
MacSPON: Hi, guys. How's it going?
HIROSHI: It's -- er.
DAISUKE: It's going really, really --
HIROSHI: Interestingly.
DAISUKE: What he said.
MacSPON: Uh-huh. That sounds encouraging. [He puts his book away.]
Why don't we just take a little look at how ... interestingly ... it's
going, eh?
HIROSHI: Did I say 'interestingly'? I meant --
MacSPON: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [He goes to a control panel and flips a
switch. A screen lights up with a status report.] Oh, I see. My, that
_is_ interesting. Kasumi's a demon, and Kuno is chasing her instead of
Ranma and Akane. Hinako, Shampoo and Ukyo have both shown up _way_ too
early. Not to mention Cologne. Ryoga is lost, hundreds of miles away
-- well, that's okay, actually. Nabiki is planning to start up a
restaurant in the Tendo dojo. And who the hell let _Lum_ in?
HIROSHI: It was Daisu--
DAISUKE: A restaurant in the dojo? I don't remember that bit.
MacSPON: Oh? It's down here in black and white.
DAISUKE: How could I have missed that bit?
HIROSHI [nervously]: Um ...
MacSPON: Ah.
DAISUKE [light dawning]: She bribed you to keep it off the monitors!
HIROSHI: Hey, it's not as though the dojo ever gets used for anything
else --
MacSPON: Apart from the Rhythmic Gymnastics training, the battle
against the dojo destroyer, and half a dozen other scenes I could
mention off the top of my head if I hadn't temporarily forgotten them
all.
DAISUKE: How much did she pay you? Where's my share?
HIROSHI: Well, it was more a sort of profit-sharing scheme ...
DAISUKE: With _Nabiki_? I mean, Nanami? On second thought, you can
keep it all. She's gonna wring you dry.
HIROSHI: What? Come on, that's an exaggeration. I mean -- surely --
MacSPON: Look, you two can work it out later. Right now, I want the
dojo cleared. Got it?
HIROSHI and DAISUKE: Hai. [They bow.]
MacSPON: Damn, I love it when you guys do that. Now, on to other
matters. How's the recruiting program going?
DAISUKE: Oh, right. [He pulls out a list.] Let's see. We talked to
Vegeta, and he says there isn't enough money in the world to persuade
him to play Taro.
MacSPON: Oh. Pity.
HIROSHI: Xelloss won't tell us if he'll take part or not.
DAISUKE: He says it's a --
MacSPON: Secret, right. I've heard that somewhere before.
DAISUKE: And --
MacSPON: Look, save it. I have to go, I'm late for band practice. You
guys ... [He waves a hand vaguely at the controls.] Just sort this
mess out somehow, all right? I'm relying on you, you know.
HIROSHI: You're --
DAISUKE: Relying on us?
HIROSHI: All right! Yes!
DAISUKE: We won't fail you! You'll see!
MacSPON: I feel strangely doomed. [He leaves.]
HIROSHI: Now, where should we begin?
DAISUKE: There's really only one possible answer to that.
HIROSHI: Oh?
DAISUKE: I mean, we haven't found anyone to play Sayuri and Yuka yet.
HIROSHI: Oooohhhhhh. I take your point. [He rubs his hands together.]
Now, who would be appropriate to play --
DAISUKE: I get dibs on Kyoko Otonashi.
HIROSHI: Damn. She, ah, she's a bit old for you, don't you think?
DAISUKE: You wish.
HIROSHI: Oh, well. Hey, do you suppose Miyuki-chan is free?
DAISUKE: Sorry. After she was done with Wonderland and Mirrorland she
got sidetracked into Adventureland, Frontierland and Tomorrowland,
escaped from Fantasyland by the skin of her teeth (it turned out to be
somebody else's fantasy) and was last heard of in Greenland.
HIROSHI: Greenland?
DAISUKE: Where wearing a seifuku can be _most_ uncomfortable.
HIROSHI: Oh. Well -- hmm, who else doesn't know martial arts or have
any super-powers? I know! Kekko Kamen!
DAISUKE: She knows martial arts.
HIROSHI: It'd be worth it. I'll just give her a call and see if she's
free --
VOICE [from behind them]: NOT SO FAST!
[They turn, startled, to see --]
DAISUKE: Sayuri! Yuka! How ... how nice to see you.
HIROSHI: How did you get in here?
YUKA: The author let us in as he was leaving.
SAYURI: He was smirking a bit.
YUKA: But that's beside the point! If anyone's going to decide who's
going to play us, it's going to be _us_!
SAYURI: Right! And I've decided that I'm going to be played by ...
Xena!
YUKA: And I'm going to be ... Ororo!
SAYURI: Suck on that! Ha!
HIROSHI: But ... but you can't do that!
YUKA: Oh? And why not?
DAISUKE: Yeah, why not? [Whispers:] Think of something, fast.
HIROSHI: They're not anime characters.
DAISUKE: Right. It would look bad.
HIROSHI: People would laugh at you.
DAISUKE: Though not us, obviously.
SAYURI: Hmm.
YUKA: Well, I suppose you have a point there. All right, then -- we
can be --
[SAYURI and YUKA glance at each other. They grin evilly.]
SAYURI and YUKA: The DIRTY PAIR!
[Furinkan high school. All is peaceful and tranquil for a moment.
Suddenly there is a thermonuclear explosion.]
[The control room.]
SAYURI: All right, maybe not the Dirty Pair.
YUKA: They do get a little carried away.
SAYURI: Hmm. I've got it! I can be ... Saki Asamiya!
[Furinkan High School. MITSURU is sitting back on the grass, still
contemplating some of life's imponderables. Suddenly a yoyo hits him in
the face, breaking his nose.]
[The control room.]
SAYURI: Yes!
YUKA: Yes!
SAYURI: Yes! YES! YES!!!
HIROSHI: No.
DAISUKE: Definitely no.
HIROSHI: Boy, Mitsuru's fee for that scene is going to be astronomical.
SAYURI and YUKA: PLEEEEAAASSSEEEE!
[Fade out, mercifully, with the four still bickering.]
[Furinkan High. ASUKA is helping TENCHI out of the gates. He is
holding his face and groaning. Two girls walk past.]
ASUKA: Oh, hi, Yuka, Sayuri.
KAGOME HIGURASHI: Hi, Akane. What's wrong with Ranma?
TENCHI: I was just talking to a couple of the guys, when suddenly
I was hit in the face by a yoyo.
ASUKA: Softball.
TENCHI: Softball. Right.
NOA IZUMI: Boy, that's weird.
KAGOME: Yeah, I wonder how that happened?
[KAGOME and NOA snicker mysteriously.]
ASUKA: I haven't seen you lately, Sayuri. Your grandfather told me
about the dengue fever. Hope you're feeling better.
KAGOME [teeth gritted]: Just fine, thanks.
ASUKA: Anyway, I'm taking Ranma to see Doctor Tofu. I'll see you guys
later.
NOA: Bye.
[TENCHI and ASUKA head down the street. They pass an empty lot where
KAJI is lying, unconscious. Eventually they reach Doctor Tofu's. KEN
examines TENCHI's cheek.]
KEN: Ah, I've seen this before.
TENCHI: You have?
KEN: Yeah, there's this program for recruiting delinquent girls, arming
them with yoyos, and turning them into undercover --
ASUKA: Look, it was a softball that hit him! A SOFTBALL! GOT IT?
KEN: Oh. Hmm, I wonder if 'Strike-Man' is on the loose again?
ASUKA [sighing]: Never mind.
KEN: So, how're you and Ranma getting along? I heard you fight all the
time.
ASUKA: We do?
TENCHI: Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten about that.
ASUKA: And you can just keep right on forgetting about it. If I hear
one single 'tomboy' remark I'll give Ryoko and Aeka a call and tell them
where you are.
TENCHI: You ... you wouldn't.
[ASUKA smirks.]
TENCHI: You would.
[ASUKA smirks.]
KEN: Well, stick with it, Ranma. She's really a very sweet girl.
TENCHI: Excuse me, who are you talking about?
KEN: Er ... I'm not sure. That's what it says in the script, though.
ASUKA: EXCUSE ME? I've had enough of this. Are you done, _Doctor_?
[KEN nods.] Then we're going. C'mon, Ranma. [She grabs TENCHI by the
arm and pulls him out onto the street.] Honestly! And to think I'm
supposed to have a crush on him!
TENCHI: A crush on _him_? Better be careful Miyuki doesn't find out.
ASUKA: Heh heh. Maybe I should tell her about Kasumi.
TENCHI: Maybe you should tell _him_ about Mara.
ASUKA: ... Nahh. Let him suffer.
[In the background, AOSHIMA runs past, screaming. He is being followed
by MARA, who is calling, "Come back, lover-boy!" A few moments later
an Oni in a tiger-striped bikini flies past, calling out, "Darling?
Where are you, Darling?"]
ASUKA: You know, this neighbourhood is getting kid of weird.
TENCHI: You think?
[Suddenly a young woman drops into view in front of them. She has her
hair tied back in a pony-tail, and is holding a broken-off stop sign in
lieu of a spatula. She showed up last episode, remember? Geez.]
MAKOTO KINO: Ranma Saotome! Prepare to die!
TENCHI: Oh, hi, Ucchan. Long time no see.
MAKOTO: Idiot! You're not supposed to recognise me yet. Especially
not when I'm dressed like this!
TENCHI: Right, sorry. [He examines her clothing.] A tuxedo, top hat
and mask?
MAKOTO: Er ... I was told I was supposed to be dressed as a guy. I
borrowed these off a ... friend.
TENCHI: Umm, I don't think you've got that quite right.
ASUKA: No, no, keep them. They suit you.
MAKOTO: Thanks. Anyway -- Ranma, for abandoning me when we
were children, I challenge you!
TENCHI: You're challenging me with a stop sign?
MAKOTO: Spatula. It's a spatula.
TENCHI: Right, sorry.
MAKOTO: This story doesn't make any sense at _all_. I'm going to have
to talk to my agent when I'm done here. Anyway -- the battle will take
place tomorrow. I'd fight you now, but I have to check out the local
opposition. I hear some girl's opening a restaurant in a _dojo_, of all
places.
[She slings her stop-sign over her back and dashes off.]
ASUKA: Boy, you really have a way with girls, don't you?
TENCHI: It's not my fault! Honest!
ASUKA: I mean ... is there any girl you've ever met who isn't chasing
you? Ryoko, Aeka, Mihoshi, Sasami, Tsunami, Sakuya, Ukyo, Shampoo,
Kodachi ... did I leave anyone out?
TENCHI: My head hurts.
ASUKA: So which one of them do you really like, huh?
TENCHI: Umm...
ASUKA: Ah-HA! There _is_ someone! C'mon, who is it? Who's your dream
girl?
TENCHI: I'd ... rather not say.
ASUKA: Oh, come on. Please?
TENCHI: You'll just get mad with me.
ASUKA [blushing]: You mean --?
TENCHI: It's ... Rei Ayanami. [He sighs.] She's just so perfect ...
ASUKA: DIE, RANMA!
[TENCHI is sent heading in roughly the direction of Alpha Centauri.]
[Later. The Tendo home. TENCHI staggers up to the door and goes in.
He looks a total mess. YOSHO meets him at the door.]
YOSHO: Ah, Ranma. You're home.
TENCHI [blearily]: Eurggghh.
YOSHO: Washu asked me to give you a message. She said you shouldn't
use that anti-gravity belt for too long, as there's a faint possibility
that the radiation from it could affect your pituitary gland and make
you grow several extra arms.
TENCHI [blearily]: Oh. Okay.
[YOSHO strolls off.]
TENCHI: ... What?
[There is no answer. Shaking his head, he goes through to the living room.
NANAMI intercepts him.]
NANAMI: Oh, Ranma! You _will_ be there at the grand opening of my
restaurant tomorrow, won't you?
TENCHI: Possibly. If any of my shirts still fit.
NANAMI: What? That's the silliest excuse I've ever heard. Anyway, never
mind that for now. You have a visitor.
TENCHI: Oh? Who?
NUKU-NUKU: Nihao, Ranma!
TENCHI: Oh, no.
NUKU-NUKU: Shnuku-nuku is so happy to see Airen! [She glomps him.]
TENCHI: Oh, no.
NANAMI: Yes, we can tell you're pleased to see him, Shampoo.
NUKU-NUKU: How?
TENCHI: Your ears are erect.
NUKU-NUKU: Oops.
TENCHI: Oh, no.
[END OF PART FOUR]
[Closing theme: "Fly Me to the Moon" performed by the Tulsa Tuba
Quartet.]
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STARRING:
Ranma Saotome . . . . . Tenchi Masaki ("Tenchi Muyo")
. . . . . Shayla-Shayla ("El-Hazard")
Akane Tendo . . . . . . Asuka Langley Soryu ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
CO-STARRING:
Soun Tendo . . . . . . Yosho 'Masaki' ("Tenchi Muyo")
Kasumi Tendo . . . . . Mara ("Oh My Goddess!")
Nabiki Tendo . . . . . Nanami Jinnai ("El-Hazard")
Genma Saotome . . . . . Kaji Ryoji ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
. . . . . Pen-Pen ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
Ryoga Hibiki . . . . . Tamahome ("Fushigi Yugi")
Shampoo . . . . . . . . Nuku-Nuku ("All-Purpose Cultural Catgirl
Nuku-Nuku")
Ukyo Kuonji . . . . . . Makoto Kino ("Sailor Moon")
Tatewaki Kuno . . . . . Toshiyuki Aoshima ("Oh My Goddess!")
ALSO APPEARING:
Ono Tofu . . . . . . . Ken Nakajima ("You're Under Arrest!")
Ninomiya Hinako . . . . Azusa Kanzaki ("Devil Hunter Yohko")
Hiroshi . . . . . . . . Mitsuru Ikeda ("Here is Greenwood")
Daisuke . . . . . . . . Shinobu Tezuka ("Here is Greenwood")
Sayuri . . . . . . . . Kagome Higurashi ("Inu-Yasha")
Yuka . . . . . . . . . Noa Izumi ("Mobile Police Patlabor")
Jusenkyo Guide . . . . Batou ("Ghost in the Shell")
Lum . . . . . . . . . . Herself ("Urusei Yatsura")
ALMOST APPEARING:
Sayuri / Yuka . . . . . Kei ("Dirty Pair Flash")
. . . . . Yuri ("Dirty Pair Flash")
. . . . . Saki Asamiya ("Sukeban Deka")
Disclaimer: All characters are copyright and appear without permission
of their respective copyright-holders.
This fanfic should not be eaten without prior medical advice.
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Angus MacSpon Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/ http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/