PLEASE C&C.

Quoth Gary Kleppe, this message is "extraneous".  :j

The first part of this received NO response at all. Several
of us are regular C&Cers on the FFML; please help us out by returning
the favor. Whether you like it, hate it, or have mixed opinions, we'd
like to know why. Responses can be sent to the FFML, or to
<kleppe@execpc.com>. If you need the previous parts, E-mail this
address.

In my own experience, not receiving C&C seems to mean that the fic
is okay, with nothing bad enough to comment on, but nothing really
exceptional, either.

Ken Arromdee	Donny Cheng	TJ Hamilton
Sean Hayden	Ronny Hedin	Gary Kleppe
Thomas Schmidt	David Tatum	Ethan Tsai

I'm assuming TJ Hamilton is a guy.  All comments about the author of
each fic will refer to "him".  My apologies if this is incorrect.

Spoliers ahead.  Spippage throughout.

[...]

Chapter 6: Ranma Saotome
Sacrifices Must Be Made

[...]

Ranma was astounded. Here he was, being told to pick his future- and he
was even told the consequences of his choices. "Well," he began.
"Assuming you're really who you say you are, what will you do when I DO
pick my path?"

After having just read the Viz translation of the onsen race storyline,
I would have expected Ranma to say something like, "What, *I* have to
choose?"

[...]

Ranma sighed. 'Enough stalling,' he told himself. 'Weren't you just
wishing you could have told Akane you loved her, before you were taken
away from her? It is my time to be decisive.' He fixed his gaze at the
form, right where he figured the eyes were. "One more question: will
Akane be hurt if I choose the first path?"

Wait.  Ranma considering the consequences of his actions?  Doesn't that
connote intelligence?  [boggle]

[...]

The apparition solidified into human form. Though the features were
still indistinct, there was a badge plainly visible on his pocked.

pocket?

'Kami of the True Fiancee # 116- Desix.' Desix had been crossed out,
and in its place was the word 'Desaix.' The apparition gestured to a
path in the woods Ranma hadn't seen before. "Okay, the first step is to
find something you can make a wish with...

Let me guess who wrote this part...

[...]

Ranma held the medallion and concentrated. He had memorized the words
Nabiki had written, and so now was the time to say them. "I wish I
could communicate to Akane all my thoughts, all my feeling, and all my
emotions, whenever I want to or need to."

feelings?

[...]

Akane was sitting in Ucchan's, eating an Okonomiyaki.

Okonomiyaki does not need to be capitalized.

[...]

Five days later, a certain device arrived from Herb's kingdom, on loan
(terms negotiated by Nabiki) to Akane Tendou for the necessary amount
of time. The next day, Shampoo was locked as a cat by the Musk
Dynasty's form locking bucket. Shampoo was captured and locked away,

Form-locking should probably be hyphenated.  Assuming I did my research
right, you could also use it's proper name: Chisuiton.  (I don't know if
any of the vowels are long.)

[...]

I found this chapter to be okay.  To be fair, the author had to work
around the problem of Ranma marrying Shampoo, but I don't think that
a (literal!) deus ex machina was necessary.  And a self-insert D.E.M.!

Plus, *even with* the god, Ranma showed foresight guyver.
(Above the norm. ;)

All in all, a little hard to swallow.

[...]

Chapter 7: Nabiki Tendo
Unforseen Consequences

Unforeseen

[...]

In the Tendou house, the relationship between Ranma and Akane was being
taken to new heights. Or perhaps, new depths. Akane had cooked Ranma
dinner, and made him eat it.

"I'd be glad to, Akane", said Ranma.

Let me guess...

Akane looked at Ranma a little suspiciously. "You're not going to say
anything bad?"

"Now, _why_ would I do that?" asked Ranma, as he took a forkful of
Akane's soup. Akane suddenly screamed as Ranma turned the mindlink on,
showing her exactly how her food tasted.

Yep.

"Baka! You planned this!" shouted Akane. She hammered Ranma into the
floor, yelling "And don't you dare show me how _this_ feels!" as her
blow struck home.

Um, what could she do about it if he *did* show her how it felt to me
hammered?  Hammer him some more?

[...]

Strange, thought Nabiki.  The biggest unselfish wish I'd want to make,
Akane already made.  So what do I want?  I can get money _without_
wishing, and I'm not going to need a wish to get in a good university;
I just have to study hard.  Besides, those may be too selfish for the
wish-granter.

Did Akane ever tell Nabiki about her wish?

[...]

Nabiki got an idea, though. It would not be dramatic, it would not earn
her ten million yen, it would really not get her much at all. But it

Run-on sentence.

[...]

Desaix appeared before Nabiki. "I'm impressed. If you hadn't said not
to have any drastic changes, you would have been turned into a being
like me. So who's going to get the stone next?"

Remember this.  Desaix appeared to Nabiki.

[...]

"Akane's... Nabiki, you're the first person I've seen from the Tendo
Dojo for months. Could you tell me what's going on there? Ran-chan
never comes here any more.

You're using a the letter u for Ukyou and Ryouga.  To be consistent,
you should also say Tendou doujou.

[...]

Nabiki greeted Ukyou as she entered. "Hello, Ukyou, I warned you."

The quote is a run-on sentence.

[...]

"Desaix has been around a long time. Ever since Ranma arrived in Japan.

Remember this.  Mousse knows about Desaix.

[...]

An okay chapter.  Nothing really leapt out at me.

[...]

Chapter 8: Ukyo Kuonji
Third Step

[...]

At the Tendo Dojo, Mrs. Tendo and Mrs. Saotome sat at the living room
table drinking tea, each looking to the other's mate as they played
shogi on the outside walk, the doors to the garden wide open.

New author, so I'll comment again.  You're using Ukyou, so use Tendou.

[...]

"I can't remember what we had for breakfast," Mrs. Tendo said calmly,
looking at the table. "I forgot that I sent Ranma to the grocer the day
before... and when he returned, the kitchen was a mess. It took a great
deal of time to... put everything away, and I can't remember what I was
fixing for dinner."

You know, this problem with Mrs. Tendo's memory sounds rather ominous,
but it's never really addressed again.

[...]

"Uh huh," she said. "Okay, do you really love me?"
Ranma blinked twice, letting a silence hang.
(Why you stinking, no good, jerk. . ,) she began, when Ranma sat up and
scooted in front of her.
Not a 'yes', not a 'no'; Ranma said, "Ore, omae ga suki, Akane."

For *my* wish, I'd like to know what the heck he just said.  The only
word I understood was suki.  It's the best part of sukiyaki, right?  ;)

[...]

Akane nodded, somewhat ashamed at how immature it now seemed to her.
(Masaka... I just lost count!) she realized.

Huh?  Where'd this Masaka person come from?
Must be a relative of Desaix...  ;)

And for a non smart-ass comment, I did find the questions and answers
to be pretty much what I'd expect from the two.  Nothing out of
character.  Although, with the mind link, why are they even bothering
to ask?

Akane can apparently sift through Ranma's mind -- remember the comment
about her knowing that Ranma likes okonomiaki best.  I mean, Ukyo's
okonomiaki best. [bigsweat]

[...]

Ukyou still didn't look up, even as she heard the sliding door slam.
She held her laxing focus on the shining metal which reflected her

Laxing is not a word.  Lax is an adjective, not a verb;
you can't turn it into a gerund by adding "-ing".

[...]

Okonomiyaki Ucchan had no friends in Tokyo.

Except all her raving fanboys.  ;)

[...]

(Ask....) Ukyou reached for the Kick-ass spatula.

Kick-ass doesn't need to be capitalized.  Unless you're considering
it a proper name, in which case you don't need "the".

[...]

Ranma and Akane were sitting side by side, facing each other, freely
necking and petting at a slow pace. She gaped for a few seconds in
sheer stupefaction before shaking off her haze. (Oh, dear. Nabiki
shouldn't catch them like this, or Father for that matter.) Taking a
deep breath, she spoke. "Ranma-kun, Akane-chan, don't forget school
tomorrow," she said softly.

And you know, Kasumi, they really shouldn't be doing that until
they're married.  [nods]

[...]

Both froze, and at the same time, slowly rotated their heads to view
Kasumi. There they sat, like deer caught in headlights. "H-hai,
Oneechan," Akane answered. Satisfied, Kasumi turned back towards the
house.

"B-Bai, Oneechan"

[...]

After a bit of tight lidded thought that Akane didn't bother to read,
Ranma sheepishly spoke again. "Um... you wanna... sleep together?"

Sounds like the pickup line from Robot Carnival.  Our heroes stand
atop the wooden giant robot.  The guy puts his arm around the girl...
"So.  You wanna?"  ;)

[...]

Ukyou calmly prowled back into her restaurant, dressed in the Gi top of

Gi doesn't need to be capitalized.

[...]

"I mean, I know where I live, I just forgot how to get there."

Implying he ever knew... ;)

[...]

Ryouga turned to face her. "You can sleep in the booth," she continued.
"Sorry, but I don't need a futon when I'm by myself."

Since she lives by herself.

[...]

"That's okay," he said softly. "I carry my own usually. . ." he said,
stroking his umbrella on the trail pack. "Never had a reason to think

Stroking his umbrella?  Is that some sort of sexual euphemism?  8|

[...]

Ryouga was about to do something he'd never thought he'd do. "Well,
you're only wearing a Gi top, and not very tightly."

Caps, again.

[...]

He turned, widening his eyes a bit. "Ohayo," he sputtered through
toothpaste with a wave.

Language comment, again.

[...]

Nabiki, as usual, finished early, and headed on before the 'lower
classmen' did. Out the door and walking the usual route to school,

Underclassmen.  It's a real English word.

[...]

"NO!" Ukyou yelled. "You live in southeast bumble- you moron! You're
almost in the next prefecture!"

Was "bumble" supposed to be a placeholder while you looked up the
name of a nearby district?  'Cause it sure don't sound Japanese...

[...]

"You might want to button up the jacket to the top," he said, looking
anywhere but at her.

What's there to see, with the breast bindings?

[...]

"TADAIMA!"

[sigh]  If you insist on using Japanese language, PLEASE provide
a translation guide.  The gratuitous insertion of Japanese words
makes this part look like a fansub, with their "vocabulary words
of the episode".

But they at least tell you what "mokkoli" means, or that "shimata"
means "damn" or "closed" before the episode starts.

[...]

"Yes, I did. Are you familiar with Okonomiyaki?"

Caps.

[...]

A good chapter, if excessive on the Japanese.  I always like Ukyo
and Ryoga getting in on.  I mean, getting along.

[...]

Chapter 9: Nodoka Saotome
A Mother's Love

[...]

Nodoka went about picking up the clothes first and put them all into
the laundry basket that she carried with her. The books were next as
she placed them all neatly on the bookshelf beside the desk. When she
got to the photographs, she stopped. Oh, my! Most of the pictures were
of her son in varying degrees of nudity. In female form. She wondered
if her friend knew of her daughter's preference. She was pleased that
her son had attracted the interest of a female, but she was not happy
that that interest was directed to Ranma's girl form. Maybe she would
talk her son into straightening Nabiki out.

You know, I never really thought about this.
But it's SO appropriate! :D

[...]

Ukyo's face was expressionless as she watched the Tendo and Saotome

Hmm.  The latest author doesn't use the letter u to denote long vowels.
I don't, either, but to keep spelling consistent throughout this story,
perhaps he should?  Ukyou.  Tendou.

[...]

There doesn't seem to be too much to this chapter besides "correcting"
what happened to Shampoo, and setting up the harem thing.  Unfortunately,
I don't buy into Nodoka thinking that Ranma should have lots of
mistresses.  Was such a thing ever suggested in the anime or manga?

Apparently, though, Nodoka *does* see peeping on girls as such as
masculine.  Shouldn't the wish to make Ranma more like Happosai?  Or
Ataru Moroboshi?

[...]

Chapter 10: Kodachi Kuno
Ohohohohoho My Goddess!

[...]

"I know it's weird, but sometimes I can't even sleep at night, knowing
that there are places to go and that I can get to them." Ryoga pointed.

Cute.  :j

[...]

"And that Nabiki! Her wish made her the final interpreter of all the
other wishes. She must have *known* how things would turn out! Did she
*really* think I wanted to be one of Ranma's harem girls?"

And yet another author "corrects" a previous author's writing...
Though, giving Shampoo a break and giving Ukyou some pride are not
necessarily bad things...

[...]

Kodachi's father stared at the empty space where his son had just been
standing. "If dat's my choices, I t'ink I pick glory."

Family loyalty. [sniffle]  Such a beautiful thing. [wipes tear]

[...]

"I do! I mean, of course that's what I think." *Oh. please! Ask! ASK!*

"All right, I'm going to ask her! Yes! I've got to do it before I lose
my nerve! I'm going to call Akari RIGHT NOW!"

The name struck Ukyo like a sword through the chest. "Ak--?"

"Thanks, Ukyo. You gave me the confidence boost that I needed. You're a
good friend. Talk to you later!"

"I-- no problem, hon." She tried to keep from crying. "I'm sure she'll
want to marry you. I mean, who wouldn't?"

[...]

And she remembered the wish she had made. *I wish I had someone nice
like Ran-chan for my friend.*

This was just too beautiful.  Sure, it was cruel and heartless, too,
but them's the breaks.  >:)

[...]

"The nylons were the result of another wish. I granted one for some
young man before Happosai brought the locket to your home."

"He wished for a pair of nylons?"

"No. His wish was that he had a name that was truly appropriate for
him. Then he vanished, and these appeared in his place. Strange,
really."

Heh.  How appropriate.  Never saw Taro's appeal, anyway.

[...]

"I'm human again, Dad! I figured that since Kodachi had made me the
same as P-chan, hot water would bring me back to normal, the same way
it did for Ryoga!" She began to stretch her arms, her legs, her torso,
reveling in the feel of personhood.

Humanity, perhaps?

[...]

"Ah. So Mousse is in love with a figment of his imagination?"

"Precisely -- though, in truth, he always was. You know how infatuated
he was with Shampoo. Naturally, he dreamed up his 'Guardian Angel' as
an idealized version of her."

I smell retcon...

"And the others? What about Desaix?"

"From Ranma's subconscious, obviously. He claimed to be a
personification of destiny. Don't you think that's how Ranma would see
destiny -- as divided into narrowly-defined paths, with various powers
trying to force him along one or another of them?"

"If he's from Ranma's subconsious, then how do you explain him
appearing to me too, huh?  Or how Mousse knew about him?  Didn't
think of that one, didja?!?  You're not the real Cologne at all,
are you!  Look at that cheap wrinkly mask!"

Definite retroactive continuity.  With holes.

[...]

A memory came unbidden into Nabiki's mind. Kodachi's voice. *When you
hear me make my wish, you will allow it to be fulfilled exactly as
intended. There will be no need to twist its meaning.*

"Damn! A hypnotic suggestion! That's how she did it! She was in my room

How on earth did Kodachi know that Nabiki was the one currently granting
wishes?

the night before she made the wish. She must have done it then.
Probably used some sort of chemical to drug me." Nabiki hoped she'd get
the chance to pay Kodachi back for what she did, with interest.

Does Kodachi have access to such chemicals?  I've only seen her use
paralysis and sleeping powders, both of which appear to be commercially
available in Nerima.

I mean, Ranma tried to drug Kuno's food on their date with the wishing
sword.  Ryoga successfully drugged Ranma when near the end of the koi
fishing rod incident.  Kasumi used the paralysis powder on her family
and guest.  Sure, she was possessed by an oni at the time, but she got
the stuff from somewhere, right?

[...]

There are some good bits, especially at the beginning, but by the end,
I'd have to say this is the weakest chapter.  Not only does the author
appear to be trying to correct all the problems he had with previous
parts, but he made Kodachi a goddess.  A goddess, for crying out loud!

Now, I *like* Kodachi, but how much interesting conflict can there
really be if Kodachi can fiddle with people and reality with just a
whim?  It's the supercharacter syndrome.



Well, that's about it.  Like I said, the story is okay, neither bad nor
exceptional.  It had good parts and bad parts.  Also, there appears to
be some consistency problems brought about by the different authors.
It's not jarring, but it is visible, and without looking too hard.

I think the authors would have done better to make the parts more
episodic.  The best episode, IMO, with Akane, stands almost completely
alone.  The other parts are strung together.  In the worst case, the
author who *started* to make Ukyo's wish seems to have dropped the
ball in the next author's lap.

This leads to "corrections" and retcons by later authors.

One other comment I have.  Apparently anyone who saw Happosai's demon
gets to make a wish.  Do we ever find out who this list of people is?

Well, that's it.  Let's see how it all ends.
Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall     Art and fiction available at my homepage:
dougmacd@thecia.net    http://www.thecia.net/~dougmacd/fanworks/