On Tue, 13 Apr 1999, Brian Stricklin wrote:

Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 22:24:39 -0500
From: Brian Stricklin <orgg@ix.netcom.com>
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML][FF7/???][Teaser]  Coming to a Theater Near You...

This is something that got in my head, and wouldn't go away.  So I have
to inflict it on the rest of you. :) I might eventually write the full
thing - it seems to work well.  I'd appreciate comments and enthusiasm,
though please don't flame too hard.

Fine with me, but you'd better get the abestos suit out...

-----------------------------------------------------------
[SCENE: The camera glides over the city of Midgar at night, thousands of
lights gleaming.]

VOICEOVER: Their planet was dying, its energy siphoned off by a greedy
corporation.

That being Disney...

[The camera switches to the sight of the Diamond Weapon stepping out of
the sea, walking toward Midgar.]

VO: Monsters threatened the land, and preyed on its people.

[The camera switches to the middle of a bar, closing in on the
Western-style swinging doors of the entrance.]

VO: Only a small group of heroes were brave enough to stand against the
most deadly foes on the planet...

[The doors swing open, and a green figure walks through, looking around
with interest.]

VO: ...and they were led by one extraordinary frog.

(Andrew face-faults.)

[The doors swing closed again, hitting KERMIT in the face.  He falls
down.]

Heh.

[The scene is replaced by a title screen, reading:]

A MUPPET FINAL FANTASY

[After a few seconds, the title screen swirls into the foreground, then
is replaced by a scene inside a Mako reactor.  GONZO (his nose
apparently metal-plated) inches his way along a wall, then throws
himself back into a patch of cover... and falls out of view, since it
turned out to be a laundry chute.]

VO: These freedom fighters risked it all for their planet, and this is
their story.

[A black screen shows: KERMIT STRIFE, then swirls into the foreground.]

[KERMIT and GONZO are seen in the bar, surrounded by various
rough-looking humans and Muppets]

GONZO: This is Kermit Strife!  He's an ex-SOLDIER, so yooooou better
watch out!

Evil guy 1: What's he gonna do, start shouting "Bud?"

[The bar patrons begin to laugh uproariously - KERMIT looks nonplussed.]

[SCREEN: PIGGY LOCKHEART]

[Standing on top of the Sister Ray, MISS PIGGY gets slapped by SCARLET,
and spins around to face the camera.]

PIGGY: So.  A slap fight, huh?  *I'LL* show you a slap fight! 
HiiiiiiiiYA!

[MISS PIGGY slaps SCARLET, who flies off the Ray and lands in the ocean
below.  With a satisfied nod, PIGGY walks off.]

eh...7.5

[SCREEN: GONZO WALLACE]

[GONZO stands at the top of the Pillar scaffolding, surrounded by Shinra
guards.  The tip of his nose has bent up via a hinge, revealing a gun
barrel beneath.  He fires a few shots at the guards, then looks at the
camera.]

GONZO: This is great!  I can blow my nose in public all I want!

That's uncalled for!

[SCREEN: FOZZIE XIII]

[FOZZIE is trapped in a glass case, with DR. HONEYDEW nearby, his hand
on a switch.]

FOZZIE: Oh, oh, I've got one!  I was in a fight, okay, then I got pulled
over for BREAKing the speed LIMIT!  Ahh?  Ahh?  Wocka wocka!

[DR. HONEYDEW looks at him for a moment, then throws the switch. 
Lightning zaps FOZZIE.]

heh...

[SCREEN: SAM HIGHWIND]

[SAM THE EAGLE, wearing aviator goggles, stands reading a script, then
looks at someone offscreen in shock.]

SAM: You want me to say *what*?

Director: I want you to say, "Pu!"

[SCREEN: With Brooke Shields as AERIS GAINSBOROUGH]

So that's why she and Agassi is now in splitsville...

[In the Golden Saucer, AERIS and PIGGY are both holding on to KERMIT,
each on one arm, and pulling.]

AERIS: He's going on a date with ME!

PIGGY: No, he's going with ME!

AERIS: With ME!

PIGGY: With ME!

[KERMIT looks distinctly longer in the arms.]

....

[SCREEN: CAIT SITH as HIMSELF]

[CAIT SITH holds up a little ID card to KERMIT.]

CAIT SITH: Muppet's Local Union number One-oh-Three.  How's it goin'?

Kermit: Not bad, I just wished someone does something about this Mickey Mouse
organization we're in...

[SCREEN: And David Bowie as SEPHIROTH]

[SEPHIROTH hovers over KERMIT in the Ancient City.]

SEPHIROTH: Kermit, just accept that you're a puppet.

KERMIT [angrily]: That's MUPPET, pal, and don't you forget it!

Andrew face-faults --- again.

[The scene changes to KERMIT, PIGGY, GONZO, AERIS, and FOZZIE
highlighted against the setting sun, at the edge of Midgar.]

VOICEOVER: They will save the planet... or die trying.

[Scene: RIZZO and the RAT SWARM look at each other in alarm.]

VARIOUS RATS: �Dying?'  �Nobody said anything about dying.'  �Dying's
not in my contract.'  �Can I get some vacation time first?

Rizzo: And no one ever said I had to carry a sword 100 times my size and weight!

[SCREEN: A MUPPET FINAL FANTASY]

[The camera cuts to a close-up of GONZO, staring straight forward.]

GONZO: Spielburg, eat your heart out!

[SCREEN: SUMMER 1999]

If you're gonna do this (And I suspect you will), I just have one suggestion:
Where's the Swedish Chef?!