I promise not to be TOO brutal. hehehehe....
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On Tue, 13 Apr 1999, Stephen Ratliff wrote:
The idea for this Fic comes from reading Revial and the varios Bets.
various
Title: A Little Earlier
Part 1: Akane meet Ranma
Today was Akane Tendo's first day of seventh grade, and first
day at Mac Arthur. Mac Arthur Junior High was a remodeled former high
school. It was
MacArthur should be one word. It's also a little strange for a Japanese
school.
an unsettling day. Before when she went to a new school Nabiki and
Kasumi had been there before her. They would be able to put her fears
to ease.
This statement is bizarre. Nabiki and Kasumi DID go there before her.
Nabiki is *still* going there. And you don't put fears *to* ease, you put
them *at* ease.
This was also the first year she had started without her mother's
special lunch and trip to the store for new clothes.
A tear rolled down Akane's cheek as she looked down at her red
and blue school uniform.
"Some �ing wrong?" a boy Akane's age asked.
^Q? Smells like MIME.
"Just thinking about my mother," Akane said. "And I can't find
room 204."
204, eh?
"That's because you're on the third floor," the boy said.
"Come with me, that's where I'm headed. I'm Ranma Santome."
No, you're Ranma Saotome.
"Akane Tendo. You're in class 7-D too?"
I thought they were in room 204.
"Yeah, and I'm really going to have to do lots of catch up
work," Ranma said. "My dad and I just got back from a two year long
martial arts training trip."
"That must have been fun. I'm a martial artist too, but my
Father would never do that," Akane said as they entered the stairway.
"Not all of it's fun. Dad has some strange ideas about
training. What style do you do?"
"A small school of Unrestricted Martial Arts. Dad says that we
are one of two families that practice it."
Interesting choice, calling it Unrestricted.
"I guess I must be from the other," Ranma said.
He's not sure?
"Can we spar sometime?" Akane asked, as they reached the top of
the stairs. "Dad hasn't been up to much practice lately."
"Sure, if you'll help me with my homework sometime," Ranma said.
"We can work on it together," Akane smiled.
Akane was seated by her sister Nabiki in the cafeteria.
Today's lunch didn't look very appetizing. Apparently Kasumi needed a
little more help in the kitchen. A look over at Nabiki's revealed
That's weird, considering a time when Kasumi wasn't that great at cooking.
that Nabiki hadn't noticed, but then she was too busy trying to get in
on the new school's rumor market.
"Is this seat taken?" Akane looked up. It was Ranma.
"Go ahead, Ranma," Akane said.
"Is there a problem with your lunch?" Ranma asked.
He can tell that from the way she told him he could sit down!??
How about you mention Akane picking at her lunch, so Ranma has a reason to
ask this?
"My oldest sister made it. I think she needs some help," Akane
said, before taking a tiny bite. "It doesn't taste bad, but it's
looks leave something to be desired."
its, no apostrophe
"At least you have someone to make your lunch," Ranma said. "I
had to make my own this morning."
"I rather if my mom could make it again," Akane said sadly.
I'd rather
"Don't cry Akane," Ranma said. "I hate it when a girl cries."
<sarcasm>
Damn, Ranma's good! He knows she was about to cry just by her sad tone.
</sarcasm>
"I'm sorry. Things just keep reminding me of my mom. It's been
almost a year since she died. You would think I'd be over it by now."
"I didn't know." They ate in silence for a while.
"Yuk, cherry pie," Akane said, opening her dessert container.
*glare*
"What's wrong with cherry pie?" Ranma asked.
"Nothing, but Kasumi keeps making it," Akane said. "I think
it's the only dessert she knows. After a year of it, I'm tired of
it."
I would gladly eat Kasumi's pie! Er... I mean her cherry!
um...nevermind
"Trade you for this packaged chocolate pudding?" Ranma said.
A bit out of character for Genma to be buying, but... *shrug*
"Homemade cherry pie has to be better than the packaged stuff Dad
buys."
"Okay," Akane said as the exchange was made. "Mmmmm chocolate."
"Chocolate, where did you get chocolate," Nabiki said, suddenly
turning toward her sister. "I didn't get chocolate pudding?"
She's asking a question? You shouldn't use a question mark? A nice
period will do? Or an exclamation point?
"I traded for it Nabiki-chan," Akane said. "Surely a deal maker
like yourself find a similar deal."
"Whose your friend?" Nabiki said.
Who's -- Contraction of 'Who is'.
"This is Ranma Santome, Ranma, my sister Nabiki, the ice queen,"
Akane said.
Ranma Saotome
"Akane, I thought I told you to never call me that," Nabiki
said. "A pleasure to met you, Santome. Do you have another one of
Saotome
those puddings?"
"I gave my only one to Akane," Ranma said. "Maybe tomorrow."
"Darn," Nabiki said. "I guess I'll have to get to you earlier
tomorrow."
"Not likely," Akane said. "He's in my class."
Akane looked up at Ranma. He was following her on the fence.
They had agreed to spare after school. He had really challenged their
Spare what? Spare time, spare tire, spare the fighting?
Or did you mean spar?
teachers. She suspected that the Sensi was beginning to regret his
sensei
first lecture on the importance of asking questions.
"Ranma, why are you walking on the fence?" Akane finally asked.
"Dad's training, it teaches balance," Ranma said. "On of Dad's saner
One of
ideas. You should try it some time. It works."
"I'm not trying it in this skirt," Akane said. "Does your Dad
train you a lot?"
"I think Dad believes that his life's work is training me,"
Ranma said. "He makes everything training. Fortunately he's got to
work two jobs right now so he can get enough money to go on the next
training trip, so I get to spend a year actually going to school and
learning something else other than martial arts."
"I thought you liked studying martial arts," Akane said.
"Yeah, I want to be the greatest martial artist of my
generation," Ranma said. "But it's like you and cherry pie. After
awhile you want something else for desert. I want to learn about more
than just martial arts, at least for a while."
You used 'awhile', then 'a while' in the same paragraph. Not only is it
redundant, but it's repetitive, and I'm not even sure awhile is a real
word.
Akane and Ranma entered the Tendo home. "I'm home!" Akane
shouted.
Soun Tendo entered from the garden. "Welcome home Akane," he
said. "Who is your friend?"
"This is Ranma Santome," Akane said. "I asked him if he would
Ranma Saotome
come home and spar with me. Excuse me for a moment, Ranma, I've got
to change into my gi."
"So your name is Ranma Santome," Soun began. "Any relation to
Ranma Saotome
Genma Santome."
Genma Saotome
But I think you get the point now.
Ranma gulped. This was not a good question to hear in his
experience. Still he wasn't going to lie. "He's my father."
"Your father and I studied under the same teacher," Soun said.
"It's been so long since I saw him last. It must have been shortly
before my wife had Akane... Oh why did she have to leave me..." Soun
broke out in sobs. It took five minutes for Akane to change. Ranma
suffered though Soun's sobbing.
"Not again," Akane said, coming down the stairs in her gi.
"I'll take care of father," Nabiki said, as she entered the
house. "Kasumi should be home in a half-hour. You go spar with your
friend."
Ranma relaxed in the furo. Akane had been a good sparing
partner. She was a little rusty, but she acknowledged that. Akane
also didn't like to lose. That was a problem, but with a little work,
he could see Akane making the matches truly even. She had thrown him,
and only his father had managed to do that recently. Of course pops
was too tired to spar after work lately, which was why Ranma was glad
he'd found Akane. It was time to get up though. Ranma stood and
reached for his towel.
It was then that Akane opened the door. She was also in a state
of undress. She noticed Ranma, and blushed. "Excuse me," she said,
backing away.
Ranma covered himself and moved to the door. Trying to sound
indifferent, he said, "The bath is yours, Akane."
Akane retreated into the bathroom, as Ranma entered the changing
room.
As he put his clothes on, he murmured, "she's cute."
--- End part 1 ---
Next Part: Add Ryoga and stir.
Authors notes:
Some of you may have heard of me. Yes I am that much MiSTed guy from
heh.
alt.startrek.creative, holder of more volunteer jobs than my main Trek
Character has titles. I met some of you at Katsucon 5, and I'm afraid
this little idea hit me soon after. I'd blame someone, but I'm not
sure who.
The basic idea I've started with is that Ranma meets Akane 3 years earlier,
during his time at Junior High and becomes good friends long before some of
the complications are added. I've made some changes to the backstory to
help do this, they are:
1) Ranma isn't attending an all boys junior high
Geez, I hope not. I knew Akane was a bit of a tomboy, but...
2) Akane's mother dies when she's 11, not 6 (I consider the stated 10
years to be like the biblical number 40, to mean a long time, not
necessarily that number)
Eh... good point.
I've had somewhat of a hard time working with Akane's characterization.
Effectively, I've tried to peal back the Angry Akane back to an earlier
more tearful stage, but I'm not sure it's working.
Actually, it's not that bad.
Anyway, C&C would be most appriciated.
Hope this helps.
Stephen Ratliff
--
Stephen Ratliff
FAQ & Index Maintainer for Alt.StarTrek.Creative
http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs
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