First of all, "C&C requested" in the header is a waste of space. That
goes without saying.

Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:

    She came awake slowly. Not a gentle slowness from
a good nights sleep. But the sick, wretched slowness of the
very old or very ill. Her mouth tasted like something had
crawled inside and died during the night, after first giving
birth to a horde of starving rats. Nasty, naked tailed beasts
which were even now chewing their way through her head
and belly. Her eyes were gummed shut with sleep and she
clumsily tried to paw them  PAW!? Her eyes snapped open

Need a period after 'them'.

and she lurched to her feet, only to fall over on her side, 
furry forelegs splayed out in front of her. Almost sick with
terror she tried to scramble to her feet, calling for help. Her

terror, she

unfamiliar body betrayed her, and she fell back, twitching
spasmodically as her wail of terror filled the air.
    *RANMA! HELP ME RANMA!!!*

Need a comma after me. (And why am I tempted to start singing Beach Boys
tunes? ^_^)

************************************************
    Sayui reached for their take-out order and froze.

She's usually called Sayuri, though that isn't really canon so I guess
there's no reason not to change it.

"I didn't know you had a cat? Well, except for Shan Pu."
She said looking at the young Amazon waiting a table across

Pu," she

the room.
    "We don't." Cu Lon replied, placing some napkins in

don't,"

BTW, Cologne's Chinese name in Pinyin Chinese is actually Ke Lun,
according to people who've looked up the characters from the original
series. You can change it if you want, but just so you're aware.

    "Mu Tsu! Where are you?"

Likewise, his name is shown to be Mu Si.

    "Right here old owww! Why did you do that?"
Cu Lon loomed over the prostrate, blind-magician. "You

That's a weird way to punctuate it. I'd probably write 'the blind
magician who lay prostrate' or something like that.

idiot. She could be heard out front. I told you to keep that
door shut."
    "You also told me to bring more fish from the store
room. How could I know she'd wake up. YOU said she'd be
out until " he fell back, clutching his side.

Need something after until (a dash or ellipses), and He needs to be
capitalized.

    "Don't think." Cu Lon glared down at him. "It
doesn't suit your talents." She pushed Mu Tsu inside the
store-room and pulled the door shut behind them. Moving
over to the small wire cage bolted into the corner she stood
looking down at the small grey cat writhing like a broken
backed snake. The shrill, terrified cries had  died to hoarse,
panting whimpers. Cu Lon stared down at the small helpless
creature.
    "Why do we have to keep 

Need something after keep (a dash or ellipses), and an ending quote
mark.

    "FOOL." 

It's Mr. T! I pity da fool who doesn' like dis fic!

    "I meant, why keep her here?" Mu Tsu kept a wary
eye on Cu Lon's staff.  Why not just dump her at the animal

Need a quote mark before Why.

shelter?"
    "And if she were to escape?"
    "Where could she go? What could she do? She can't
change back. Not with hot water at any rate. And no cat's
going to be welcome at the Tendou's. She's a danger as long

Tendous'. (There's more than one of them.)

as she's here.  When people find out Shan Pu's no longer
cursed. And see . . .well hear THIS cat.  And with Tendou

well, hear, THIS

Akane missing  Even Saotome might figure it out. I 

Need punctuation after 'missing'

think . . ."
    "I've warned you about thinking." Cu Lon faced Mu
Tsu who, strangely, seemed to have no trouble seeing the
Amazon matriarch even without his glasses. "At the proper
time Tendou Akane will seem to die, very publicly and far

>from here. YOU do what you are told boy. Exactly WHAT

told, boy.

you are told, WHEN you are told. Do so and I will let you
have Shan Pu when I am finished with her. And with
Saotome." Her eyes blazed and Mu Tsu shrank back from
that barely leashed fire. "You will have what you want, or as
much as I see fit to give you. Shan Pu to wife, and your
curse removed. Defy me, fail me  She glanced down at the

me...."

    "MU TSU! I thought I told you to FEED her."
    Mu Tsu stood sulkily beside Cu Lon. "I've BEEN
feeding her. Everyday. AND fresh water. It's not my fault if

Every day. (2 words)

    "If she dies, Shan Pu also dies. And if Shan Pu
dies . . .," Cu Lon turned a basilisk gaze on the spasming
boy. "you will pray for the mercy of hellfire."

Punctuation is messed up here.

    "I would NEVER" Mu Tsu forced words past a

NEVER,"

constricted throat "NEVER endanger my beloved Shan Pu. I

throat,

would die for her."
Cu Lon tapped a release point and Mu Tsu shuddered in
relief. 
    "I'm not interested in your death boy, or your life. I

death, boy,

wouldn't let a dog piss on you if you were on fire, so don't
whine about how you'd die for Shan Pu." Her staff blurred
and Mu Tsu's head snapped back in a spray of blood as Cu
Lon neatly smashed his nose. "If she" Cu Lon pointed at the
cat lying in a pool of it's own urine. "doesn't eat something

its

Mu Tsu flushed angrily, thinking of all the times a small
white duck and been thrown in a cage. He smiled slyly as an

duck had been

idea came to him suddenly.
    "I am only a man." He began, unctuously. "I beg for
the matriarch's instruction. What must I do?"
Cu Lon stared expressionlessly until his smile drained away
like dirty bath water. Satisfied that he remembered his place ,
she briefly considered breaking something. Radius, ulna,
spine. Remembering how loudly he whimpered she decided a
good nights sleep was more important.

night's

    "The techniques I have used are very powerful . . .
and unstable. The slightest change could disrupt the balance
and undo all that I have done. With fatal results."
    "But why don't you 

you--"

    "How? When?" Mu Tsu was doing a frantic self-
examination, looking for signs of decay. "I feel fine, I look
alright. Do I look alright to you?"

all right

    "Gaaaaa!" Relief fled like a virgin from a political
convention. "Tell me! Wh . . .what's . . .I mean how? Why is
the curse fatal."
    "Think boy."

"Think, boy."

    Mu Tsu didn't even react to the gibe.
    "Why do you think they're called the CURSED
springs?" Cu Lon went on without waiting for an answer.
"Everything has a price. You gain on one hand." She held up
her left hand, palm open. "And you loose on the other." She

lose

    "You said the curse was fatal!" Mu Tsu whined.
"Why isn't Saotome's curse fatal. He should die too. I want
him to die. It's not faiiiir."

Considering that he's not going to get Shan Pu, I'm not sure why he
would care that much what happened to Ranma.

    "NO! I don't. You removed Shan Pu's curse. Gave it
to 

to--"

    "Your mother was a judge. I should think you would
have learned at least a LITTLE about the law."
    Dizzy with relief Mu Tsu could only stutter

relief, Mu

incoherently.
    "The High Crimes are . . ." Cu Lon enumerated.
"Treason, assassination by poison or magic and rape."

assassination by magic and rape? Eww, what a way to go! :) (I think you
want a comma after magic.)

     Mu Tsu went absolutely white on hearing the last
word. Cu Lon noted this with approval. Contrary to what
outsiders might think, males of the Amazon nation were
treated with a great deal of indulgence; some might even be
considered spoiled. There was one area without compromise
or mercy rape, forcing a woman or a child . Centuries of

mercy: rape,

    "In cases of rape there is damage to the spirit that is
far greater than any physical hurt. A technique was
developed from the healing arts to replenish damaged or
depleted chi. In cases of rape the offenders life was already

offender's

spirits of the dead remain earth bound for three days. During
that time the spirit could be reunited with the body. If the
murdered ones body was too badly damaged or
unrecoverable it was possible for their spirit to be placed in
the body of their murderer. Of course the killers spirit had to

killer's

be dealt with. In most cases, as added punishment, the killers

killer's

spirit was placed in the body of an animal. There to suffer

animal, there

    Cu Lon decided to ignore him . . .for the moment.
"Junko was all of these things . . .oh yes" Cu Lon answered

yes."

the question she saw in Mu Tsu's eyes. "Junko was
Japanese, at least partially." She corrected. "Also Chinese,
Korean, Tai and for all I know Dutch, French and Tibetan.
Her family had originally been gypsies, before being kicked
out generations earlier for some transgression. They retained
their wandering traditions even when they lost their fellow
travelers. And somehow ended up in China.  I met Junko in a
Shanghai bar while I was tending to some business for 
Mao . . .ummm for an official of the 'Peoples Republic'. She

'People's

tried to steal my money. I broke her arm. She slashed open
my belly." Cu Lon smiled in fond rememberance. "Ahhh she

remembrance

was an artist with a blade. An ARTIST . . ." Cu Lon shook
off the past and continued. "Making a long story short we

short, we

became good friends. And she fit in well with The People.
Until she ran afoul of a . . ." Cu Lon paused as painful
memories flooded back. ". . .a jealous woman. Junko was
very striking. Full of fire and  passion. She attracted the man
of . . .of one who has no name. Junko and the man did what
a strong woman and a beautiful man often do. The nameless
one could have challenged Junko. A formal dual, even to the
death would have been acceptable.  Instead she put death-
cap mushrooms in Jukno's beer. It took Junko three days to

Junko's

die. And by the time the nameless ones treachery was

one's

discovered it was too late for anything except justice. I
performed the ritual myself. Moved the nameless one's soul,
her spirit ,out of her body and placed it in a more . . .suitable

spirit,

Strong, comfortable. I kept her there and watched . . .day by
day, hour by hour then, finally, minute by minute. I watched
as her humanity slipped away like water from a cracked
pitcher. Until nothing was left except a faint memory of what
she once was. She knew, even at the last; She remembered

last; she

or

last. She

MUST keep her . . ."Cu Lon pointed at the sick looking cat
laying on it's side. "MUST keep her alive for eighteen days. 
The working is entirely unnatural. Her chi, Shan Pu's cursed
form . . .they wish to return to their former state. This
collar"Cu Lon pointed to a gleaming gold circlet, faintly

collar...."

visible under matted fur. "and the bracelet I placed on Shan

"And

Pu tie the chi in place. At this moment there is a great strain,
like a rubber-band under too much tension. Tendou Akane's
death would be like cutting the rubber-band. The two of
them might just revert to their former states or the back
lash could smash Shan Pu like a rotten fruit . . .or worse."

backlash (1 word)

    "W . . .worse?"
    "There are many things worse than death 
boy . . .much worse. After eighteen days the change will be
permanent. Shan Pu will be fully human and Tendou Akane
will be forever locked in a cats body. Her mind will not last

cat's

She remembered going to the airport. Everyone was there to
see her off. Even Ranma had been nice for once. Well,
almost nice. She'd been so excited. Going to America,
Hawaii.  All expenses paid. She'd just settled in her seat
when one of the flight attendants spilled a drink in her lap.
Then in the bathroom ,cleaning her dress . . .a sting, like an

bathroom, cleaning

    "Eating now I see."

now, I

1) Is it a good read?

Well, all the punctuation errors are extremely distracting... but beyond
that, IMO it was too talky. So no, I don't think it was as good as the
other stuff you've done. I suggest cutting down the explanations to a
bare minimum -- leaving some things mysterious might actually increase
the interets factor. Less of Mousse and Cologne talking, more of Akane
trying to deal with her new situation.

2)Is the story internally consistent

Far as I can tell, yeah. I am a bit confused about how Akane got from a
plane bound for Hawaii to the Nekohanten.

3) Are you (the reader) able to suspend disbelief
throughout the story or do certain parts bring you 
to a screeching halt

The characterizations were extremely hard to swallow. Mousse certainly
has his faults, but he comes across as a total jerk in this; and
Cologne's never been as evil as she seems here. I know this is supposed
to be a dark-ish fic, but that doesn't mean you can mess with the
characters this much and expect people to believe it.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html