An interesting and pretty well-done opening. Leaves me curious as to
what's going to happen, which is one of the things to look for in a fic.

As someone who's still making his way through the series, I liked the fact
that it (so far) doesn't require one to be conversant with every single
aspect of the show.

And now, the big peeve I had with it. The gratutitous Japanese.

Use of Japanese in a fanfic is fine. I do it, a lot of authors to it to
some degree or another. It's especially useful in for terms where english
doesn't translate, or translates the concept poorly - 'Kaoru-dono' being a
good example. 'Oneesan', 'baka', all the various honorifics to names, the
odd special manuver or phrase (Aku. Soku. Zan.) all add flavor to a fic.

However, keep in mind that you are, for the most part, writing to an
audience that is decidedly not fluent in Japanese. Where you overdo it,
you break the naritive flow and leave your reader scratching his head in
puzzlement.

Kenshin shook his head, "They can be cleaned.  Are you alright argle
wagga whoosh?"

That's basically what I got. :)

I'd recommend cutting the Japanese where English will do just as well, or,
more importantly, where it sounds awkward. The above sounds awkward. The
art of writing, I've found, largely has to do with lulling your reader
into forgetting that he or she is reading - sudden and jarring switches in
language work against this.

Hope to see more of this.



-ML