a teaser. I'd like to hear first impressions.

Okay-doke.

ready to drop on us 70,000 leaves.

An odd number; where'd you get that figure?  But never mind; you should
spell this out.  Seventy thousand.

I play little games like that all the time. . . cause
everything around me is pretty dull.

If you're going to do this, say " 'cause ".  It's fine as an informal
way of speaking, but make sure that people know you're shortening
"because".  I use "'cuz" myself to make doubly sure.

so I guess that's alright.

all right.

Kakami Kasuga, 15 and a half.

fifteen

Yeah, right. Nannchatte.

I will continue to rant against the unnecessary use of Japanese until
the day I die.  :)  In this case, you've left me behind.  I have no idea
what "nannchatte" means, nor can I figure it out from the context.
Broke me right out of the "reading mood"; I had to try and puzzle it
out, and couldn't, and felt a bit frustrated because I felt I was
missing something.

Which is why I think people should never write English fanfics in
Japanese.  :)

Today was my last day before I start school again, so I
suppose I should be partying or something.

Mixing tenses.  Since this appears to be in present tense, I would say
"Today is my last day..."

"What is it? I shouuted, "What are you doing?"

Hmm.  Lots of problems here.  I would suggest:

"What is it?" I shouted.  "What are you doing?"

He was huge. Simple. He was almost as tall as Dad.

Hmm.  Kyosuke never struck me as being tall; he seemed average to me.
Unless this isn't Kyosuke's and Madoka's daughter, in which case I have
no idea what's going on.  :)

His eye's bore into me.

eyes

Damn that voice was conspicuous.

Damn, that voice was conspicuous.

"I walk around alot," he explained.

a lot

a sweat drop on my brow and a stupid smile on my
face. "aheh!"

"Aheh!"

	What a day. . . jeeze.

Hmm.  I can't quite give you any useful feedback, mostly because I have
no idea what's going on.  All I can see is "girl meets boy".  Nothing
particularly compelling about either of them, but nothing repulsive,
either.  Looks like we're going for the "mysterious but knowing
stranger" effect.  The girl seems okay.  The "damsel meets fated love
when he saves her life" thing is a bit cliched.  The bit about "Wait"
was amusing.

Other than that, I really don't have enough to tell you whether I think
the story is worthwhile or not.  I simply don't have enough to go on.
If you want us to be effective judges, you need to give us more meat.
This simply isn't enough to go on.  I need to see more of the characters
in action, need to know more about their lives and the plot you have in
mind, in order to provide you with any useful feedback.

BTW:  What does [CSY] mean?

-Richard