Gary Kleppe wrote:

Kent Hyam <rodney.hyam@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote:

Chapter Three: Letting the Cat out of the Bag
    As Ranma entered class on saturday morning, his eye was caught by
an unexpected sight.  Ukyo was sitting in her usual seat, but wasn't
wearing her standard boy's uniform.  Ranma tried desperately not to
stare.

I doubt any Furinkan uniform could be as sexy as (for example) some of
the stuff Shampoo wears, and Ranma doesn't react like this to her.
Judging by the manga, I think it would take something like full frontal
nudity to get this kind of reaction from him.

I didn't see Ranma's reaction as that extreme.  It was mostly shock, he's not
used to seeing Ukyo dress like that.   Plus, his reaction to actual nudity is
a lot more pronounced (he's averted his eyes and developed a noticable blush
on several occasions).

    Finished school for the day Ranma and Akane entered the clearing
where Ryoga had set up his camp.

Having finished school for the day, Ranma and

Right.

 They were surprised to find the lost
boy sitting on the ground with what appeared to be several school books
spread around him.
    "What are you doing ,Ryoga?" Ranma blurted out.

doing, Ryoga?"

    "It's not like I ever attended regularly.  The principal was happy
to let me take my classes by correspondence, he said something about
there being less property damage."

Must be a different school than Furinkan. Da kahuna seems to *encourage*
damage. ;-)

    "Come on buddy,

on, buddy,

school's out for the day, lets head back to the

let's

    "Are you all right Ranma.  You're starting to look a bit pale as

right, Ranma?

well.  Maybe I should make you some soup too."
    "No no, I'm feeling fine.  You don't have to bother Akane."

But Ranma *likes* to bother Akane! :-).

*ahem* When a speaker addresses by name the person to whom he's talking,
always set the name off by commas:

to bother, Akane."

    At this point Kasumi entered the room holding a small object.
"This came for you," she said, handing the object to Akane.
    "A throwing spatula, it must be from Ukyo.  There's a message
scratched on it she wants to meet me at the vacant lot near Ucchan's."

Both of those sentences are run-ons.

    "Are you going to go?" Ranma asked.
    "Of course, Ukyo is usually a friend and I should find out what she
wants."
    Ryoga continued eating quietly as Akane left.
    "She's gone now, you can quit eating that junk."
    "This is pretty good Ranma.  I think it's some kind of souffl�

good, Ranma.

though."  Ranma watched speechlessly as Ryoga took another bite.
    Ranma swallow and said, "When you're done, lets head into the dojo

swallowed

    "It must have been."  Ranma felt relieved at the answer.  Thinking
Ryoga had done ... that with Ukyo was silly.  "I wonder what she's
saying to Akane now?  She's been gone quite a while."
     "Even if that message was some sort of challenge, Ukyo wouldn't
seriously hurt Akane."

He he he yeah right of COURSE not. Those bombs at the wedding were just
for fun. :-)

Hasn't happened yet and there isn't any real evidence that Ukyo was aiming at
Akane.

    Almost an hour earlier, Akane entered the vacant lot.  "Ukyo, are
you here?"   Only a faint hiss gave Akane enough warning to avoid a
razor edged hoop as it sliced through the spot she'd been standing.
    "Oh-ho-ho-ho, the okonomiyaki tramp didn't send you that message."
    Akane looked at the leotard clad figure that had appeared at the
back of the lot.  "Kodachi, but why?"
    "Now that the red haired hussy, my brother's so enamored with, has

hussy my brother's so enamored with has

or

hussy, the one my brother's so enamored with, has

(insert rant here about the red hair thing)

taken up with that Hibiki boy you're all that keeps Ranma from me.  So,

boy, you're (And why ribbon girl forgot about Shampoo?)

    "The dojo's exit is this way.  No the other way.  Look, just follow

No, the

me."  With that Ranma opened the door and stepped outside.  As he
blinked at the bright sunlight Ranma was shocked by a bucket of cold
water being thrown in his face.
    "What did you do that for old man!" Ranma shouted.

for, old

    "Hello, Auntie Saotome."
    "Oh, hello Ranko.  I was just showing Kasumi this little fellow.

hello, Ranko.

Isn't he cute, I found him on the street outside.

cute? I

 Here you hold him for

Here, you

a while."  Oblivious to Ranma's distress Nodoka held out  the small

distress, Nodoka

tabby kitten for her to take.
     Determined not to show fear in front her mother Ranma reached out

mother, Ranma

with shaking hands to accept the kitten.
    Seeing that the red haired girl had frozen into immobility with the
kitten clutched in her hand, Nodoka chided her gently.  "That kitten
isn't made of glass, you don't need to be so careful."

glass. You

    "Would someone tell me why, she thinks she's a cat?"  Nodoka's

why she (the comma doesn't belong there)

normally unshakable calm was beginning to falter slightly

Need a period after slightly.

    "Even simpler, to learn the neko-ken, the trainee is wrapped in
fish sausages and thrown into a pit filled with starving cats."
    "I'm appalled Soun.

No, she is appalled Nodoka. He is embarrassed Soun. And I am
missing-comma-spotting reader.

 How could you put your own niece through such
an insane form of training?"
    Behind Nodoka a panda held up a sign reading, #Yes, how could you
be so irresponsible?#

Heh.

    "How thoughtful Nabiki, I'm sure Ranko and Ryoga will want pictures

thoughtful, Nabiki. I'm

of this moment."  Now that Nodoka was beginning to grasp the situation,
her natural priorities began to reassert themselves.
    "They won't be the only ones."
    "Now where was I?  Oh yes, I'm afraid our only choice is for me to
move in here and help you out."
    At the thought of Nodoka staying at the dojo Soun turned pale and

dojo, Soun

the panda behind her began to desperately wave signs.  "An excellent
idea Nodoka, but I'm afraid we really don't have room.

idea, Nodoka

    "Nonsense, I can move in with Kasumi and Ranko can sleep in Akane's
room."
    A broad grin split Soun's face as he considered the implications of
this arrangement.  "Now that I think about it,  I'm sure that it is a
truly excellent idea."
    "Good, this means that I can wait here for my husband and son to
return.  Also that nice boy, Ryoga, can stay in Ranma's room for now.
He really is too young to be living on his own."
    An agreement reached the yard quickly emptied of occupants.  The

reached, the

only  exceptions were Ryoga and Ranma.  Ryoga looked down at the
pig-tailed girl asleep in his lap and wondered what her reaction would
be when she woke up.

   Meanwhile, across town, an exhausted and battered, Akane desperately

battered Akane (no comma)

dodged another explosive ball hurled at her by Kodachi.  As Kodachi
tired to press her advantage, Akane finally managed to grab hold of
Kodachi's ribbon and jerk it out of her hand.
    "I have many weapons, depriving me of one means nothing."  As she

weapons. Depriving

spoke Kodachi produced a set of clubs and leapt to the attack.  Akane

spoke, Kodachi

dodged and then lashed out with the ribbon she held, wrapping it around
Kodachi's waist.  With a mighty heave, Akane pulled the ribbon taut and
hurled Kodachi into a nearby wall.
    "I knew I could've won that stupid gymnastics contest."  Akane
dropped the ribbon on the unconscious body before her and limped off
humming merrily.

off, humming

     Temporarily restored to human form, Genma glanced nervously at the
door.  "How could you agree to let Nodoka stay here, Tendo?"
     "I know it's a bit inconvenient for you and Ranma, but it's a
wonderful opportunity to bring our children closer together."
     "Not if Ranma has to spend all day as a girl.  That wasn't what I
was talking about though.  Don't you realize that tomorrow is the day

about, though.

    "I'm staying at the dojo for a while.  At least until Genma and
Ranma return from their training trip."  Nodoka smiled, as she pictured
how manly her son must be to cause girls to fight over him.  She could
hardly wait to meet him.  Judging by Akane's expression she was not
nearly as enthusiastic about the idea.  Fortunately, Nodoka didn't seem
to notice.

If she didn't notice, who was doing the judging? I don't get it.

The narrator. It is a bit awkward.

     Kasumi was in the kitchen, cleaning up the remnants of a serious
drinking binge.  Upon hearing Nodoka's voice she thoughtfully poured a
bowl of sake over the unconscious and still human Genma.
     "Kasumi where's Ranko?  I need to talk to her, right away."

"Kasumi, where's

    Ranma was stunned for a moment, then she sat up rubbing her head.
"I wish ya wouldn't jump to conclusions like that Akane.  I was just
looking for a place to put my clothes."
    "Why would you want to put your clothes in my dresser."

dresser?"

    "Thanks to my mom, I mean Auntie Saotome, we're going to be sharing
the room."
    "But, we can't do that!"  Realizing that someone might overhear,
Akane lowered her voice.  You're not really a girl."

voice. "You're

    "Well, I can hardly tell her that.  We really don't have a lot of
choice."
    "You're going to be sleeping on the floor, and you'd better not try
anything."
    "As if I'd want to try anything with an uncute tomboy, like you,"

tomboy like

Ranma said, as she moved a pair of panties out from under her.
    Akane hefted the shinai she held thoughtfully, but decided to let
things pass this time.  It would be inconvenient to have to explain why
she was beating up her cousin.

    Later that night, the sleeping arrangements led to a great deal of
tension.  Ranma was to

was too

miserable at the thought of having to live as

as a

girl to sleep well under any circumstances.  The fact that she she had

that she had

    Ryoga glared balefully at the sleeping panda beside him.  If Ranma
had learned to sleep through that, it was no wonder he was so hard to
wake up.  Moments later he reached a decision and cracked his knuckles
loudly.
    -Wham-
    Soon he lay peacefully asleep, the only sounds the quiet chirping
of the crickets and the wind blowing through the new hole in the wall.

Gracious guest, isn't he. :)

End Chapter3

 Postscript:  As far as I know, all that's required to calm Ranma after
he enters the neko-ken is someone he trusts.  When Akane first brings
him out of it they've only know each other for a few weeks.

Maybe... the timeframe isn't really too consistent. They had been
through quite a lot of experiences together by that point.

True, but the whole magna takes less than a year.  I'd have to say it's been
two months at most.  The only things they've gone through together at that
point are the martial arts figure skating challenge and Shampoo's first
appearance.  Ukyo and Ranma go throught a lot more than that, even if you
don't count their childhood experiances.

 It's also
unlikely that he had any deep feelings for the old lady, who was the
first person to calm him down.  Nodoka would be able to do it herself,
if it wasn't for the promise of seppuka.  Ukyo or Kasumi probably could
as well.

Um... I kinda doubt that, but it's your fic.

Overall, I like the story so far. The twists in the plot are interesting
and fun to watch. Your mechanics seem to be getting better, but you
still need work, particularly on comma placement.

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html