Victim # 14 !
The two fics that preceeded this on my queu were a shortfic and song fic.
Ryoucilo already knows what I think of him and teflon cat's work was ... well...
non-C&Cable since it was ...different. So let's go on to the man who destroyed
Crystal Tokyo, killed the Senshi and had Jupiter disowned by his father :
ANGUS MACSPON !!!!!
Woohooohoooo !!!!
Anyway, even if this fic isn't serious it is one hell of an LSD trip !
"The Replacement Ranmas"
by Angus MacSpon
Part Two
------------------------------------------------------------------------
STARRING
(so far)
Tenchi Masaki as "Ranma Saotome"
Shayla-Shayla as "Ranma Saotome"
Asuka Langley Soryu as "Akane Tendo"
Co-Starring
Yosho Masaki as "Soun Tendo"
Nanami Jinnai as "Nabiki Tendo"
Belldandy as "Kasumi Tendo"
Kaji Ryoji as "Genma Saotome"
Pen-Pen as "Genma Saotome"
Disclaimer: All characters are copyright and appear without permission
of their respective copyright-holders. Not filmed in Dolby stereo.
[Elsa Bibat]
What is Dolby stereo ? I don't get it when the program suddenly announces that
it's filmed in stereo.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Tendo home. Early morning.]
TENCHI: School? Do I have to?
KAJI: Certainly. You have to have an education if you're going to pilot
an Eva -- er, well, maybe that's not such a good example.
[Elsa Bibat]
Go Genma ! ^_^
TENCHI: Going to school in Tokyo. Somehow that sounds awfully familiar.
[Elsa Bibat]
Ech ! Have you seen Tenchi in Tokyo yet ? I haven't but I heard it's really bad.
ASUKA: Is he still complaining? And hey, shouldn't you two be sparring
before breakfast, or something?
[Elsa Bibat]
Now that would be a sight. Tenchi and Kaji jumping at each other over the
Koi pond.
KAJI: Er ...
ASUKA: You're just not getting into the spirit of this, Saotome-san!
TENCHI: Actually, Akane, I thought I might spar with _your_ father.
YOSHO [appearing suddenly]: An excellent idea, Ten--er, Ranma. Shall
we step outside for a few minutes?
ASUKA: But this isn't how it's supposed to ... oh, hell, why not?
[They move outside. TENCHI and YOSHO produce bokkens, and take up ready
stances.]
NANAMI [watching]: No, no, no. Bare-handed.
TENCHI: Eh?
NANAMI: The Anything-Goes school of martial arts is primarily a
bare-handed style. No bokkens.
TENCHI: Err, now wait a minute --
[Elsa Bibat]
I see he doesn't know bare-handed.
YOSHO: Bare-handed, eh? [He cracks his knuckles.] Well, I'm sure that
I can manage something in that direction ...
TENCHI [sweating]: Now hold on there -- I -- I --
YOSHO [advancing]: Yes-s-s-s?
TENCHI: I -- I -- ohmygoshcomeonAkanewe'regonnabelateforschool! [He
grabs ASUKA by the hand and sprints out.]
YOSHO: Heh. That boy has a lot to learn. [He examines his sore
knuckles.]
NANAMI: Not so hot on hand-to-hand, huh? I must remember to adjust my
odds. [She pulls out a tiny notebook and scribbles in it.]
YOSHO: Hmm ... do you really need to stay in Nabiki's character _that_
much?
NANAMI: Hey, if I'm taking her place for a while, it'd just be bad
manners not to make as much money as possible off you all while I'm
here.
[Elsa Bibat]
Yup, that's in character.
YOSHO: [Facefaults.]
[A street in Nerima. ASUKA and TENCHI appear. They have slowed down
considerably. TENCHI is trying to walk on top of the fence.]
[Elsa Bibat]
Hey, it's balance practice ! ^_^
TENCHI: Why'd it have to be bare-handed? What's wrong with swords? In
my series, everyone uses swords!
ASUKA: What, everyone?
TENCHI: Well, nearly everyone.
ASUKA: Please ... don't go quoting Gilbert and Sullivan. I can't
_stand_ Gilbert and Sullivan.
[Elsa Bibat]
Ooohhh, does this mean I can't sing from the Pirates of Penzance ?
TENCHI: Sorry. Maybe I should have auditioned for Kuno instead, though.
[He scratches his head, and falls off the fence.] Ow. So where's this
school of yours, anyway?
[Elsa Bibat]
Tenchi as Kuno ? Hey, why didn't you do that in the first place ? That'd
be cool.
ASUKA: Don't worry. We aren't going there just yet.
TENCHI: Oh? Why not?
[An old woman in a nearby garden suddenly splashes him with water.]
[Elsa Bibat]
I see she's still there. Why didn't you replace her too ? ^_^
ASUKA: That's why not.
[TENCHI sighs, jumps over the fence, and hides. There is a long, awkward
pause. Then SHAYLA comes running up, breathing heavily.]
[Elsa Bibat]
The magic of modern special effects.
SHAYLA: Sorry. [Pants] Caught me by surprise.
ASUKA: Keep an eye on the script, will you? [Sighs] Now we have to
get some hot water to change you back to Tenchi -- I mean, to Ranma -- I
mean -- you know what I mean!
SHAYLA: Oh, why bother? I'll just go to school like this. After all,
_I_ can fight without a sword.
ASUKA: Are you crazy? If you try to fight Kuno you'll burn him to a
crisp!
SHAYLA: And your point is?
ASUKA: ...
SHAYLA: Well?
ASUKA: I'm thinking, I'm _thinking_!
SHAYLA: Heh. Let me at him!
ASUKA [regretfully]: No. If we don't stick to the script, the author
threatened to dock our pay. Come on, let's get you changed back.
SHAYLA: WHAT?! Oh, come _on_! It'd be _worth_ the pay cut! I know
why you're doing this, you just don't want to let me do it because I
fried you a little yesterday! Geez, how small-minded can you get --
ASUKA [smirking]: Here we are. Doctor Tofu's. I'll pop in and get
some hot water.
SHAYLA: Take your time! [ASUKA goes inside.] Sheesh.
[SHAYLA leans against the wall, muttering evilly to herself. After a
minute or so, bored, she pulls out a deck of cards and starts to
practise Pettan. Suddenly she is hit on the head by a motorcycle
helmet.]
SHAYLA: OW! WHAT THE HELL?! [She looks at the figure standing before
her.] What are you doing, you moron? You're supposed to use a
skeleton, not a crash helmet!
KEN NAKAJIMA: Sorry. I ... er, well ... the whole skeleton business
just seemed kind of -- umm ... that is ... [He scratches the back of
his head nervously.]
[Elsa Bibat]
Hey ! What's he doing here ?
ASUKA [coming back out]: Awww, is poor Ken-chan afraid of a widdle
skeletums?
KEN: Afraid?! Of -- of course not! I --
[He dashes inside and comes out carrying BETTY. Meanwhile ASUKA
splashes SHAYLA, who changes place with TENCHI.]
KEN: There! You see?! [He poses heroically with BETTY. BETTY's head
falls off.] Oops. Hey, what happened to the cute red-head?
TENCHI: Er, nothing. She, um, had to leave.
ASUKA: Cute? Did you say 'cute'? Why, you old Casanova you! What
would Miyuki say?!
[At that moment, BELLDANDY walks past, holding a shopping basket. KEN
watches her, transfixed. He absent-mindedly tears his crash helmet into
little pieces.]
[Elsa Bibat]
Well, at least we don't have to worry about him being in character.
KEN: Miyuki who?
ASUKA: Oh, this is hopeless. Come on, Ten-- Ranma. Let's get going.
[They head off toward school. KEN glances around to see if anybody is
watching.]
KEN [singing]: 'Am I alone, and unobserved? I am! Then let me own, I'm
a medical sham!'
ASUKA [off]: And NO GILBERT AND SULLIVAN!
[Elsa Bibat]
Aaawwww ! Please !
[Further down the street. TENCHI and ASUKA run into sight. As they
dash around a corner, ASUKA runs head-first into a young man walking in
the opposite direction. He is tall, and wears Chinese costume. He has
a heavy pack on his back, with an umbrella mounted on top. His long
black hair is tied back in a ponytail, but he's also wearing a bandanna
around his head, making him look rather odd.]
TAMAHOME: Excuse me, but do you know where Furinkan High is?
[Elsa Bibat]
He's Ryouga ? Could you have at least gotten someone stupider ? ^_^
ASUKA [rubbing her bruised nose]: That's in Tokyo, isn't it? This is
Osaka.
TAMAHOME: Oh, right. Sorry.
[He wanders off, looking confused.]
TENCHI: What was that all about?
ASUKA: I'm just playing with his head. Don't worry about it.
[The Tendo home. YOSHO and KAJI are sitting at the shogi board, in the
middle of a game. They stare intently at the board for some time.]
KAJI: So what are the rules again?
YOSHO: In this series, I don't think it matters.
[Elsa Bibat]
You point to something behind your opponent's back then as he looks you move
the pieces around.
[Near Furinkan High. TENCHI and ASUKA sprint toward the school gates.]
TENCHI: So let me get this straight. You hate boys?
ASUKA: Of course! It's _men_ I want! _Real_ men, like your father!
TENCHI [muttering]: I think I'm gonna be sick.
[Elsa Bibat]
I would be too.
ASUKA [suspiciously]: I beg your pardon?
TENCHI: Er, nothing.
ASUKA: Yeah, sure. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right. I hate
boys! I ... HATE ...
[They enter the gates. A huge crowd of boys are standing waiting for
them. All of them are dressed as ANGELS.]
ASUKA: ... buhhh ...
TENCHI: What the --?
[Elsa Bibat]
Gotcha !
[The ANGELS sprint forward. Some of them are shouting "Akane!" Some
of them are shouting "Asuka!" ASUKA suddenly gets a wild look in her
eyes.]
ASUKA: Excuse me. I'll be right back.
[She dashes away. Moments later there is a deep, rhythmical thudding
sound, as if some giant figure is approaching. We suddenly see a huge
crimson robot, striding toward the school. It nears the ANGELS and
[[ This scene has been heavily censored, ]]
[[ due to excessive violence. ]]
small greasy stains on the ground. The robot stalks off again, wiping
its feet on the grass. Shortly later, ASUKA returns.]
TENCHI: Feeling better?
ASUKA: Much! Thanks!
TENCHI: Okay. Now, if we can just --
MYSTERIOUS VOICE [off]: Remarkable.
[A young man approaches them. He is smooth and charming, in a smarmy
sort of way. He wears glasses, and very ill-fitting Kendo garb. He
throws something to ASUKA, who catches it without thinking. It is an
origami flower, made from folded-together banknotes.]
[Elsa Bibat]
Hey, I used to be able to make one of those ! ^_^
AOSHIMA: Ah, Akane Tendo. At last you're here. I see you treated those
fools as they deserved.
ASUKA: Uh ... I ... uh ... wait a minute! _You're_ playing Kuno? That's
ridiculous!
AOSHIMA: Surely you don't think I'd let my beloved Belldandy be in this
story without me? I persuaded the author's casting director to let me
in.
[The fanfic control room. HIROSHI and DAISUKE are sitting, watching the
action. HIROSHI is counting a large wad of money.]
HIROSHI: Eight thousand ... nine thousand ... ten --
DAISUKE: Yeah, yeah. Give me my share, will you?
HIROSHI: At this rate, soon I'll be able to afford a half-hour date
with Nabiki!
[Elsa Bibat]
Hey, weren't they supposed to be working on Krista's HoI ? ~_^
[Furinkan High. TENCHI and ASUKA are still facing AOSHIMA. In the
background, a squad of janitors are scraping something messy off the
ground.]
TENCHI: So why were all those guys dressed as Angels?
AOSHIMA: I think there was some kind of confusion about whether they
had to defeat Akane or Asuka.
TENCHI [glancing at the janitors]: Confusion. Right.
ASUKA: They had it coming.
AOSHIMA: Of course. And now, Akane Tendo -- I would --
ASUKA: Oh, please --
AOSHIMA: -- be very much obliged if you'd help me get a date with your
sister Kasumi.
[Elsa Bibat]
Now that'd be sight to see if this were the original Kuno...
ASUKA: [Facefaults.]
TENCHI: Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be quoting Shakespeare,
or something?
AOSHIMA: Shakespeare? That poseur? Ha! Never! There is only one
true genius whose exquisite lyrical poetry is worthy of my quoting!
ASUKA: Lyrical --? Oh, no, wait a minute ...
AOSHIMA [singing]: 'I am the very model of a modern noble samurai --'
[Elsa Bibat]
Yes ! Yes ! Yes ! Can I sing the policeman song ?
ASUKA: AUGGGHHHHH!
[END OF PART TWO]
[Closing theme: "Fly Me to the Moon" sung in three-part harmony by
Yosho, Kaji and Aoshima, with every seventh note cut out and played
together as an encore at the end.]
[Elsa Bibat]
Why not something from Gilbert and Sullivan ? ^_^
Based on Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, El-Hazard, Oh! My Goddess, Neon Genesis
Evangelion and You're Under Arrest, created and copyright by a whole lot
of people, none of whom are me, and used without permission. No pickles
were consumed during the writing of this story.
[EPILOGUE]
[We see EVA-02, holding a minuscule AUTHOR in one hand, and steadily
squeezing tighter and tighter.]
ASUKA: And next chapter, NO MORE GILBERT AND SULLIVAN! Got that?
MacSPON: *wheeze*
[Fade out.]
[Elsa Bibat]
Poor Angus.
Anyway, another fun chapter of insanity that I love. How you manage to squeeze so much
humor out of script format is beyond me. Anyway, keep it up and BTW, when is the next
chapter of SM 4200 coming out ? From jeratia@pacific.net.sg Thu Apr 8 07:08:16 1999
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From: Seratia <jeratia@pacific.net.sg>
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][GW][RK][AMG SI] One Cold Heart Part 1: Aces High-
Ryuudo Mikoto
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I'm back! Gomen ne, everybody....you may all start
readying your flamethrowers now. Just keep it private.
I know my SI fics are sappy, I know a lot of people hate
my guts, but at least try this one. I tried my best to make everything as
hazy as possible to add a bit of mystery.
As always, all will be explained in later chapters, if I
ever get round to writing them.
Warning: This is in first-person only, so you might not
really get everything, but as the story goes along, the
POV will change from character to character. The 'thoughts'
will also most likely be in rather detached, 'formal' kind
of language.
Standard disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam guys (if
you can catch the references). All the rest are my own
creations.
One Cold Heart
Part 1: Aces High
Cold. It is always so cold.
There is no real point to killing as a hitokiri.
When all is said and done, the only thing one feels is
a cold emptiness. Yes, it feels like heaven in hell,
but when you wake up amongst the dead and dying, you
only feel the emptiness.
Steel flashing in the ancient, deadly dance of
battle- I whirl in under it, bring my own katana to bear
on his midsection, and slice him into halves. Blood
drips down my blade, splashes on the dirt ground,
bright, vivid red becoming a dull, rusty brown in
such a short time.
He was the last of the people I was to kill. I
will not claim any more lives this night.
But when the moon next rises, and a threat to
my shogun with it-
-Hitokiri Shishin, the Dead-Hearted Killer,
stalks Japan again.
I go back to my quarters and sit down, blade
resting on my right shoulder, to rest and recuperate.
I am a youkai-hitokiri; of that I make no
secret. I have other talents as well as those of the
sword, and they come to my hand willingly as all should.
But, not all of us are suited to be hitokiri.
Not the blond boy who offers me tea every time his
water boils, the long-haired one who shares the
hitokiri spirit, or the proud, black-haired one.
They have not thrown everything away as I have;
they have not tasted death as intimately as I have; no,
they are not suited to be hitokiri.
One is either born to be a hitokiri or one grows
into the role of assassin. The other four- they have
grown into their roles. As for the two dead-eyed ones-
they were born and bred to be hitokiri. I tolerate them.
I do not welcome them, but tolerate them, instead.
There will be a day when not even a dead heart
can win.
The sunlight is almost painfully harsh on my
face as I assume my day-role as the shogun�s niece. My
hair yells insults at me for twisting it into such a
tight knot, yet it streams down my back to my calves,
as dark as a raven�s wing.
The guards give me wary, if not outright hostile
verging on primal lusting, looks. I am hitokiri, yet
my body is that of a delicate, beautiful maiden in her
full flower of youth. I am an enigma to them.
My eyes blink shut once or twice in distaste at
a few of the men. Animals, they are, instead of the
handsome, well-bred samurai they look to be. The iron
fan hidden in the lining of my obi has mutilated
enough of them that they stay well away, but still
I feel eyes on my back, crawling up and down my skin,
waiting for the day that they may feast on me.
They will not. I am a hitokiri, not a fragile
court flower. My aim is to kill, not to spare. I spare
purely out of respect for my lord. Otherwise, they
would have long gone to meet Enma-Daiou.
The minority of the guards that I trust, the
dark-haired girl and the bark-haired woman, both
disguised as my handmaidens, look encouragingly at
me, nodding toward the door. I am to visit the
Prince as a prospective marriage piece at his request,
but am also instructed to decline marriage politely.
Hah. I have gone from hitokiri to a pawn in
politics, hm�
I do not like this. I do not like this at all.
He reminds me uncomfortably of the youko mate
I lost, so long ago. I can almost see white ears and
a tail flicking back and forth- I shake my head
slightly to clear it, and the image is gone.
The tea tastes bitter in my mouth- it is thick
green tea. Somehow, it does not ring well with my
senses.
The guards eye me like hungry wolves, ready to
pounce.
I smile, but not too widely. I do not want to be
branded a turncoat. The bark-haired one shoots a
worried glance at me, and I tip my chin a bit in
reassurance.
Poison does not take me well. My blood shuns
poison like water shuns oil. I silently put my fingers
on the damp towel, pressing the poison droplets into
it.
Their eyes do not widen; they are fighters too
seasoned to be surprised. I think they only now recall
my youkai side.
I bow to the prince. "I am tired, and wish to
return to my lord-uncle�s citadel. With your leave�?"
"Yes, of course," he says almost absently,
still staring at me with that youko gaze of his. I
label him as �dangerous�. Youko-eyed people are the
hardest to put down.
Just as well. Our leader must be dangerous to
be our leader, particularly mine. I will not serve a
weak leader.
I rise, bow again, and leave.
I have learnt as much as I need to know.
Dead-eyes gives me that flat, inscrutable stare
of his, and I return it. "Oujisama wa?" he asks
shortly.
My reply is just as swift. "Abunai yo."
I strip without hesitation to white shift and
change into my much more comfortable hakama and gear.
My hair does not hurt so much anymore. I take it down
from its knot and tie it up again in a ponytail, braid
the tail tightly. I should cut my hair. More hair
gives enemies more to grab onto. But I am too vain.
The black letter sits at the bottom of my
closet, and I read it through once, branding the
names in my memory. I am to kill them and no one else.
My katana rasps softly in its sheath as I leap
out into the night; the heart is dead once more.
Again, I feel empty. As if something in me
cries out against the killing, but knows not what
to say.
Bright red blood runs down the blade, drips
on my wrist as I hold it up, trickles on my hair
when I move it into �Umi-Chi-Ryuu� position. I
ignore it. My soul feeds on the power of released
blood.
A rustle of wind. The spiky-haired one drops
to the ground before me, and I rein back. "What is
it?"
"The orders have been changed." His statement
is short and simple. It carries a world of meaning.
"Why?"
"The citadel.." He raises his head to gaze at
some invisible being. "it has been attacked. The
shogun, his wife and daughter have been captured while
we were away. The captors demand that you hand yourself
over to them at the crow of dawn, or they die."
Clich�. I almost indulge in a laugh. While I
decimate their troops, they decimate my loyalties. And
it comes to mind; the fox-eyed one. The ouji. The fox-
eyed are of three factions; the fox-minded, the fox-
souled, and the true-fox.
I think back to then, and scowl. The fox-souled.
There will be no mistake this time. Almost unwillingly,
my gaze swings to the spiky-haired one. "I or the
shogun�s niece?"
"The niece." With that, the conversation, brief
as it is, ends. He disappears in a eyeblink. I do not
disappear. I sit, amongst the death and dead, and
started to plan my next move.
If you force the hand of a falcon
If you catch the song of the wolf
If you follow the plans of a youko
You are sure to lose
Think out your own life
Do not test your fate
The falcon will gouge your eyes
The wolf will tear you apart
The youko will trick you into hell
And for what?
You chose these paths, you followed them
To the bitter end, yes, the bitter end�
It will only end
With a dead heart
Yours.
Always yours.
Flamed or famed, it's all up to YOU! Private mail
will always be appreciated, MSTs, C&C, and anything
else will be answered politely, as will comments
and inquiries.
Domo arigatou!
Sera-chan
--Self-effacing author--
http://home.pacific.net.sg/~jeratia/rootpage.htm
Alt email: WandererGuardian@netscape.com
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