Victim # 13 !
<snip>
"Well you're nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copycat!
[Elsa Bibat]
Ah ! For everyone living in the Philippines, a classic line. You've heard the
Chinese version TV yet ? heheheh. BTW, isn't she supposed to toss a glass
of wine into the other's face ?
<snip>
Well, all I can say is weird. What the hell have you been smoking and where can
I get some ? ^_^
Very funny work. Keep it up ! From aerolbj@epic.net Wed Apr 7 09:04:36 1999
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From: Elsa Bibat <aerolbj@epic.net>
To: "'rodney.hyam@sk.sympatico.ca'" <rodney.hyam@sk.sympatico.ca>,
"'ffml@fanfic.com'" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: RE: [FFML][Fanfic][Ranma] Crossed Wires (Chapter 2)
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 20:51:41 +0800
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Victim # 12 !
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !
<snip>
"I dun, hope he hasn't been attacking someone who can't defend
themselves though."
[Elsa Bibat]
dunno not dun
"Ranma, wake up school is over." Not getting any response from the
dozing boy, Akane shook him with increasing force finally shoving him
out of his seat.
"Whazzup, Akane" Ranma mumbled looking up at his fiancee.
"School's over. I have to go talk to someone so you start home
without me, okay Ranma."
"Sure, don't be too long though. I mean, I know a mach chick like
[Elsa Bibat]
macho
you can take care of herself, but Mr. Tendo disagrees."
Not knowing how to react to the rather backhanded compliment, Akane
simply ignored it and walked away.
[Elsa Bibat]
<snip>
"Uh, no he didn't want to impose. I am meeting him again tonight
though."
[Elsa Bibat]
Ick. Make it I'm. Another part of dialogue I forgot to mention in my essay is to
use contractions. Besides it sound much better that way.
"It wouldn't have been an imposition, Kasumi is always glad to have
[Elsa Bibat]
imposition ? Um...since I don't have my dictionary nearby I might be wrong,
but I haven't heard of the word. Maybe just make it " He didn't want to impose."
company over. I suppose it doesn't matter I'll just go with you to see
Ryoga."
"No that's not a good idea, we're, um, we're going to be doing guy
things. You wouldn't enjoy them."
"Really, what exactly are you going to be doing? Ryoga is my friend
you know."
"Well, you know just guy things. I'm sure Ryoga would be happy to
see you some other time."
"I see, I wouldn't want to be an imposition, so you can go and do
[Elsa Bibat]
See above.
<snip>
with Ranma's abdomen. Caught off guard Ranma wasn't able to dodge as
[Elsa Bibat]
comma after guard.
<snip>
arts. Sure cooking keeps me in shape, but I'll bet Shampoo and Akin
[Elsa Bibat]
I'm betting that's supposed to be Akane.
"What, Oh hi Ukyo. It's quite a coincidence meeting you here."
[Elsa Bibat]
Let's do that again shall we.
"What !? Oh. Hi, Ukyo. It's quite a coincidence meeting you here."
It reads much more nicely with the punctuations.
"Yes I decided that it was time to put my past with Ranma behind me
[Elsa Bibat]
Um, comma after yes.
Very good fic, with a very interesting concept. Just thinking about all the
mayhem that will occur as the rumors go around makes me smile that
devilish smile of mine that has frightened many a boyfriend..
Anyway, your problem's mostly spelling and grammar and a little dialogue.
My advice as always is play it by ear. Listen to the dialogue while you
recite it and listen to your text while you read it. The punctuations should
also be appropriate: if there is supposed to be a short shift in the flow
of speech use a comma, triple dots for contemplation, question mark for
question and exclamation marks when the character's surprised.
Anyway, keep up the good work and remember what I said.