Victim no. 7 ! Come on down !
<snip>
Susan's done it again ! A very good fic about pre-Ranma, Post-war Nerima.
The setting is really great, and the concept behind it, is very interesting.
Anyway, this chapter is very food. Hell, it make me wanna pound Genma
for what he did to his wife, considering how much Nodoka loves him.
Anyway, excellent characterizations and dialogue. A good ending that
keeps the reader coming back for more and raises an interesting question:
Where is Happosai ?
Waiting for the next chapter ! Keep up the good work ! From aerolbj@epic.net Wed Apr 7 05:20:05 1999
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From: Elsa Bibat <aerolbj@epic.net>
To: "'Travis Grant'" <blueeagle6@HOTMAIL.COM>,
"ffml@fanfic.com"
<ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: RE: [FFML] fanfic(SM)GeneralinVegas(rough)
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 14:37:57 +0800
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Victim #8 !
<snip>
Ooookay, let me enumerate what you did wrong. Your story and your style
do not lend themselves to a script format very well. The dialogue is... well,
unrealistic. Also the concept is ... well, let's just say, this is starting to sound
like an SI. Rewrite is my advice, go for prose and try to recite the dialogue out
loud when you're making it to make it more realistic. Still, this C&C might
discourage you but don't give up. Just write and write to hone that skill of yours.From aerolbj@epic.net Wed Apr 7 05:32:22 1999
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From: Elsa Bibat <aerolbj@epic.net>
To: "'Travis Grant'" <blueeagle6@HOTMAIL.COM>,
"ffml@fanfic.com"
<ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: RE: [FFML] fanfic(SM)GeneralinVegas(rough)
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 14:37:57 +0800
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Victim #8 !
<snip>
Ooookay, let me enumerate what you did wrong. Your story and your style
do not lend themselves to a script format very well. The dialogue is... well,
unrealistic. Also the concept is ... well, let's just say, this is starting to sound
like an SI. Rewrite is my advice, go for prose and try to recite the dialogue out
loud when you're making it to make it more realistic. Still, this C&C might
discourage you but don't give up. Just write and write to hone that skill of yours.From macspon@ihug.co.nz Wed Apr 7 05:41:08 1999
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Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 21:40:32 +1200
To: ffml@fanfic.com
From: Angus MacSpon <macspon@ihug.co.nz>
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][Sort of] The Replacement Ranmas - 2
Cc: jaelle@ihug.co.nz
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Replacement Ranmas"
by Angus MacSpon
Part Two
------------------------------------------------------------------------
STARRING
(so far)
Tenchi Masaki as "Ranma Saotome"
Shayla-Shayla as "Ranma Saotome"
Asuka Langley Soryu as "Akane Tendo"
Co-Starring
Yosho Masaki as "Soun Tendo"
Nanami Jinnai as "Nabiki Tendo"
Belldandy as "Kasumi Tendo"
Kaji Ryoji as "Genma Saotome"
Pen-Pen as "Genma Saotome"
Disclaimer: All characters are copyright and appear without permission
of their respective copyright-holders. Not filmed in Dolby stereo.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Tendo home. Early morning.]
TENCHI: School? Do I have to?
KAJI: Certainly. You have to have an education if you're going to pilot
an Eva -- er, well, maybe that's not such a good example.
TENCHI: Going to school in Tokyo. Somehow that sounds awfully familiar.
ASUKA: Is he still complaining? And hey, shouldn't you two be sparring
before breakfast, or something?
KAJI: Er ...
ASUKA: You're just not getting into the spirit of this, Saotome-san!
TENCHI: Actually, Akane, I thought I might spar with _your_ father.
YOSHO [appearing suddenly]: An excellent idea, Ten--er, Ranma. Shall
we step outside for a few minutes?
ASUKA: But this isn't how it's supposed to ... oh, hell, why not?
[They move outside. TENCHI and YOSHO produce bokkens, and take up ready
stances.]
NANAMI [watching]: No, no, no. Bare-handed.
TENCHI: Eh?
NANAMI: The Anything-Goes school of martial arts is primarily a
bare-handed style. No bokkens.
TENCHI: Err, now wait a minute --
YOSHO: Bare-handed, eh? [He cracks his knuckles.] Well, I'm sure that
I can manage something in that direction ...
TENCHI [sweating]: Now hold on there -- I -- I --
YOSHO [advancing]: Yes-s-s-s?
TENCHI: I -- I -- ohmygoshcomeonAkanewe'regonnabelateforschool! [He
grabs ASUKA by the hand and sprints out.]
YOSHO: Heh. That boy has a lot to learn. [He examines his sore
knuckles.]
NANAMI: Not so hot on hand-to-hand, huh? I must remember to adjust my
odds. [She pulls out a tiny notebook and scribbles in it.]
YOSHO: Hmm ... do you really need to stay in Nabiki's character _that_
much?
NANAMI: Hey, if I'm taking her place for a while, it'd just be bad
manners not to make as much money as possible off you all while I'm
here.
YOSHO: [Facefaults.]
[A street in Nerima. ASUKA and TENCHI appear. They have slowed down
considerably. TENCHI is trying to walk on top of the fence.]
TENCHI: Why'd it have to be bare-handed? What's wrong with swords? In
my series, everyone uses swords!
ASUKA: What, everyone?
TENCHI: Well, nearly everyone.
ASUKA: Please ... don't go quoting Gilbert and Sullivan. I can't
_stand_ Gilbert and Sullivan.
TENCHI: Sorry. Maybe I should have auditioned for Kuno instead, though.
[He scratches his head, and falls off the fence.] Ow. So where's this
school of yours, anyway?
ASUKA: Don't worry. We aren't going there just yet.
TENCHI: Oh? Why not?
[An old woman in a nearby garden suddenly splashes him with water.]
ASUKA: That's why not.
[TENCHI sighs, jumps over the fence, and hides. There is a long, awkward
pause. Then SHAYLA comes running up, breathing heavily.]
SHAYLA: Sorry. [Pants] Caught me by surprise.
ASUKA: Keep an eye on the script, will you? [Sighs] Now we have to
get some hot water to change you back to Tenchi -- I mean, to Ranma -- I
mean -- you know what I mean!
SHAYLA: Oh, why bother? I'll just go to school like this. After all,
_I_ can fight without a sword.
ASUKA: Are you crazy? If you try to fight Kuno you'll burn him to a
crisp!
SHAYLA: And your point is?
ASUKA: ...
SHAYLA: Well?
ASUKA: I'm thinking, I'm _thinking_!
SHAYLA: Heh. Let me at him!
ASUKA [regretfully]: No. If we don't stick to the script, the author
threatened to dock our pay. Come on, let's get you changed back.
SHAYLA: WHAT?! Oh, come _on_! It'd be _worth_ the pay cut! I know
why you're doing this, you just don't want to let me do it because I
fried you a little yesterday! Geez, how small-minded can you get --
ASUKA [smirking]: Here we are. Doctor Tofu's. I'll pop in and get
some hot water.
SHAYLA: Take your time! [ASUKA goes inside.] Sheesh.
[SHAYLA leans against the wall, muttering evilly to herself. After a
minute or so, bored, she pulls out a deck of cards and starts to
practise Pettan. Suddenly she is hit on the head by a motorcycle
helmet.]
SHAYLA: OW! WHAT THE HELL?! [She looks at the figure standing before
her.] What are you doing, you moron? You're supposed to use a
skeleton, not a crash helmet!
KEN NAKAJIMA: Sorry. I ... er, well ... the whole skeleton business
just seemed kind of -- umm ... that is ... [He scratches the back of
his head nervously.]
ASUKA [coming back out]: Awww, is poor Ken-chan afraid of a widdle
skeletums?
KEN: Afraid?! Of -- of course not! I --
[He dashes inside and comes out carrying BETTY. Meanwhile ASUKA
splashes SHAYLA, who changes place with TENCHI.]
KEN: There! You see?! [He poses heroically with BETTY. BETTY's head
falls off.] Oops. Hey, what happened to the cute red-head?
TENCHI: Er, nothing. She, um, had to leave.
ASUKA: Cute? Did you say 'cute'? Why, you old Casanova you! What
would Miyuki say?!
[At that moment, BELLDANDY walks past, holding a shopping basket. KEN
watches her, transfixed. He absent-mindedly tears his crash helmet into
little pieces.]
KEN: Miyuki who?
ASUKA: Oh, this is hopeless. Come on, Ten-- Ranma. Let's get going.
[They head off toward school. KEN glances around to see if anybody is
watching.]
KEN [singing]: 'Am I alone, and unobserved? I am! Then let me own, I'm
a medical sham!'
ASUKA [off]: And NO GILBERT AND SULLIVAN!
[Further down the street. TENCHI and ASUKA run into sight. As they
dash around a corner, ASUKA runs head-first into a young man walking in
the opposite direction. He is tall, and wears Chinese costume. He has
a heavy pack on his back, with an umbrella mounted on top. His long
black hair is tied back in a ponytail, but he's also wearing a bandanna
around his head, making him look rather odd.]
TAMAHOME: Excuse me, but do you know where Furinkan High is?
ASUKA [rubbing her bruised nose]: That's in Tokyo, isn't it? This is
Osaka.
TAMAHOME: Oh, right. Sorry.
[He wanders off, looking confused.]
TENCHI: What was that all about?
ASUKA: I'm just playing with his head. Don't worry about it.
[The Tendo home. YOSHO and KAJI are sitting at the shogi board, in the
middle of a game. They stare intently at the board for some time.]
KAJI: So what are the rules again?
YOSHO: In this series, I don't think it matters.
[Near Furinkan High. TENCHI and ASUKA sprint toward the school gates.]
TENCHI: So let me get this straight. You hate boys?
ASUKA: Of course! It's _men_ I want! _Real_ men, like your father!
TENCHI [muttering]: I think I'm gonna be sick.
ASUKA [suspiciously]: I beg your pardon?
TENCHI: Er, nothing.
ASUKA: Yeah, sure. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right. I hate
boys! I ... HATE ...
[They enter the gates. A huge crowd of boys are standing waiting for
them. All of them are dressed as ANGELS.]
ASUKA: ... buhhh ...
TENCHI: What the --?
[The ANGELS sprint forward. Some of them are shouting "Akane!" Some
of them are shouting "Asuka!" ASUKA suddenly gets a wild look in her
eyes.]
ASUKA: Excuse me. I'll be right back.
[She dashes away. Moments later there is a deep, rhythmical thudding
sound, as if some giant figure is approaching. We suddenly see a huge
crimson robot, striding toward the school. It nears the ANGELS and
[[ This scene has been heavily censored, ]]
[[ due to excessive violence. ]]
small greasy stains on the ground. The robot stalks off again, wiping
its feet on the grass. Shortly later, ASUKA returns.]
TENCHI: Feeling better?
ASUKA: Much! Thanks!
TENCHI: Okay. Now, if we can just --
MYSTERIOUS VOICE [off]: Remarkable.
[A young man approaches them. He is smooth and charming, in a smarmy
sort of way. He wears glasses, and very ill-fitting Kendo garb. He
throws something to ASUKA, who catches it without thinking. It is an
origami flower, made from folded-together banknotes.]
AOSHIMA: Ah, Akane Tendo. At last you're here. I see you treated those
fools as they deserved.
ASUKA: Uh ... I ... uh ... wait a minute! _You're_ playing Kuno? That's
ridiculous!
AOSHIMA: Surely you don't think I'd let my beloved Belldandy be in this
story without me? I persuaded the author's casting director to let me
in.
[The fanfic control room. HIROSHI and DAISUKE are sitting, watching the
action. HIROSHI is counting a large wad of money.]
HIROSHI: Eight thousand ... nine thousand ... ten --
DAISUKE: Yeah, yeah. Give me my share, will you?
HIROSHI: At this rate, soon I'll be able to afford a half-hour date
with Nabiki!
[Furinkan High. TENCHI and ASUKA are still facing AOSHIMA. In the
background, a squad of janitors are scraping something messy off the
ground.]
TENCHI: So why were all those guys dressed as Angels?
AOSHIMA: I think there was some kind of confusion about whether they
had to defeat Akane or Asuka.
TENCHI [glancing at the janitors]: Confusion. Right.
ASUKA: They had it coming.
AOSHIMA: Of course. And now, Akane Tendo -- I would --
ASUKA: Oh, please --
AOSHIMA: -- be very much obliged if you'd help me get a date with your
sister Kasumi.
ASUKA: [Facefaults.]
TENCHI: Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be quoting Shakespeare,
or something?
AOSHIMA: Shakespeare? That poseur? Ha! Never! There is only one
true genius whose exquisite lyrical poetry is worthy of my quoting!
ASUKA: Lyrical --? Oh, no, wait a minute ...
AOSHIMA [singing]: 'I am the very model of a modern noble samurai --'
ASUKA: AUGGGHHHHH!
[END OF PART TWO]
[Closing theme: "Fly Me to the Moon" sung in three-part harmony by
Yosho, Kaji and Aoshima, with every seventh note cut out and played
together as an encore at the end.]
Based on Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, El-Hazard, Oh! My Goddess, Neon Genesis
Evangelion and You're Under Arrest, created and copyright by a whole lot
of people, none of whom are me, and used without permission. No pickles
were consumed during the writing of this story.
[EPILOGUE]
[We see EVA-02, holding a minuscule AUTHOR in one hand, and steadily
squeezing tighter and tighter.]
ASUKA: And next chapter, NO MORE GILBERT AND SULLIVAN! Got that?
MacSPON: *wheeze*
[Fade out.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/ http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/