Four kids, chosen at random to save the world from another race
plagued by bad music, spend their spare time reading other people's
stuff. Go figure.
ROLL CALL!
KIYAKUMA MAKIKO: "What do we have here?"
KUJIGOKU SHIN: "Let's get this ball rolling!"
TAKESHI UKYOU: "Bishounen power! I ain't a girl!"
SAKAMOTO HANAKO: "...and to think I'm actually dating you..."
From: MalaspinaM@aol.com
Reply-To: MalaspinaM@aol.com
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML][FF][R1/2] Nabiki and Ranma �
Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 07:27:38 EDT
Hi! Quick update, for anyone who's awaiting the next chapter of No
One my
Dark Pokemon fic (A guy can dream can't he?) I've run into a little
snafu.
SHIN: I guess it doesn't matter to me. Not like I ever read Pokemon.
So, that's going to be a while away. Sorry. Now, since I can't work
on that
until I fix that problem I decided to work on another. This fic uses
the
first idea I ever got for a fanfic. I think it's a pretty good idea
still and
I hope I can do it justice. BTW any feedback would be appreciated.
MAKIKO: Well, that's what we're here for.
UKYOU: IT SUCKS!
*WHAP*
HANAKO: You haven't even read it yet.
UKYOU: Yeah, I just wanted to get a rise out of the guy.
MAKIKO: First off, I'd suggest cutting down the line breaks to every
70 or 75 columns. It's much easier to read that way.
The birds sang the leaves rustled in the wind and Soun Tendo
wept
while reading a post card with a picture of a panda on the front. On
the back
in neat handwriting was a message.
UKYOU: Why does this seem familiar for some reason?...
Dear Daddy,
Sorry, it's been so long since I've written but we recently
found
ourselves in China searching for a legendary training ground Genma
read about
in that training manual he got. You know the one where we got the
Neko-ken
MAKIKO: I think that should be "You know, the one where..."
SHIN: So Ranma's mastered the Neko-ken. Cool.
from. Of course we didn't find this out until after so Ranma and I
weren't
able to stop from going there. We'll explain more about that later
though.
The reason I wrote is because I have great news. We're coming home!
As a
matter of fact we should be arriving the day you get this.
SHIN: I suddenly have the urge to make a joke about "snail mail..."
Love,
Nabiki
SHIN: ..."Love...Nabiki...Love...Nabiki..." Why do I get the feeling
that these two words put together are contradictory?
After he finished reading he cried more thinking to himself,
*What
has Saotome done to my little girl now!*
HANAKO: That sounds like Soun, all right.
MAKIKO: Two punctuation problems. The first one is in the first line,
which should be "...he cried more, thinking..." and on the second
line, the sentence should end in a question mark.
Nabiki and Ranma �
By Mike Malaspina
UKYOU: Hey, dude, change the name!
*WHAP*
HANAKO: A little more tact, Ukyou-chan. Anyway, "Nabiki and Ranma
1/2" doesn't quite sound right. The only suggestion I can think of
is something like "Nabiki + Ranma = 1/2" but that doesn't sound too
good, either.
Two human forms ran down the street. Hot on their heels was
one large
definitely non-human form. As they reached the end of the street and
entered
another more open one the two human forms, one a short, red headed
girl, the
other a boy of medium height with brown hair, turned to face their
pursuer.
MAKIKO: Ano...so which one turned to face the pursuer? Ranma or
Nabiki?
"There is no way I'm going home for the first time in ten years like
this you
stupid, fat, old man!" screamed the boy.
MAKIKO: That's "...ten years like this, you..."
The larger form, a panda, 'Growf'ed and looked to be thinking.
MAKIKO: A bit awkward, but it works.
"Don't hurt yourself old man." mocked the young red head in a
MAKIKO: "...yourself, old man."
falsetto voice. The panda took a fighting stance. The girl followed
suite
smiling. The boy just sighed and mouthed "Why me?" The panda and girl
began
to throw attacks and raise defenses at the same time. Still it only
took a
minute for the much-outsized girl to kick the panda's ass.
SHIN: This sounds like a simple list. Details! We need details!
UKYOU: Same goes if you throw in any lemon scenes!
*WHAP*
UKYOU: Itai.
HANAKO: Baka.
[pause]
SHIN: Anyway...It's a fight scene! Show it! For instance, you might
want to write it something like:
==
The panda took a fighting stance, and the girl reciprocated, smiling
the entire time. The boy just sighed and mouthed, "Why me?"
And then the fighting started.
The panda threw a mean left hook at the girl, who dodged and
countered with a sweep kick which bounced off the belly of the
panda. Then she rolled out, leapt in the air and aimed for the
panda's head...
==
SHIN: You get the idea.
"Ranma, not that Genma doesn't deserve it but why must you
always
start a fight you know you'll win at the most inopportune times?"
asked the
boy.
"First off he does deserve it, the stupid bastard, and second
now
that's he unconscious we can change back before going to your house."
MAKIKO: "First off, he DOES deserve it...and second, now that he's
uncouscious, we can..." Emphasize and punctuate.
SHIN: You sound like my English teacher.
*THWACK*
The boy looked surprised then smug as he spoke, "Ranma, what a
great
idea. I would have thought of it but there's a slight problem.
UKYOU: Maybe you should change that to "Ranma, what a great idea! I
would've thought of it but there's one slight problem."
HANAKO: If this is the Nabiki I remember, she's going to be as sharp
as possible.
MAKIKO: Not to mention that you forgot an endquote.
"Oh, what's that?" asked the girl sounding defiant.
MAKIKO: "...asked the girl, sounding defiant."
"How, exactly, do you plan to carry a panda until we find hot
water?"
"Ah, kuso."
UKYOU: [Hick voice] Yep, that be Ranma arright. Always a-thinkin'
with his fists annot his maaaind.
--------------------
"Kasumi! Akane," rang out the voice of Soun Tendo, "I have
wonderful
news! Come quick!"
MAKIKO: Maybe it would be better as "Kasumi! Akane!" It seems more
consistent.
In the kitchen of the Tendo home Kasumi Tendo, eldest daughter
of
MAKIKO: That should be "Tendo home, Kasumi Tendo, eldest..." Don't
forget that after phrases like that, you should put in commas.
Soun Tendo and the departed Kimiko Tendo dried her hands on a small
kitchen
MAKIKO: "the departed Kimiko Tendo, dried..." The same.
UKYOU: Why does everyone say that her name's Kimiko?
SHIN: Because they wanted it that way.
towel before going to see what her father wanted.
Meanwhile in the Tendo's dojo Akane Tendo, youngest daughter
of Soun
MAKIKO: You just keep forgetting to put in those commas, don't you?
This time it should be "Meanwhile, in the Tendo's dojo, Akane
Tendo..."
SHIN: And while we're on the dojo, maybe it would be better to refer
to the place as the "Tendo Dojo" rather than the "Tendo's dojo." Just
a thought.
Tendo and his late wife, was breaking another innocent brick into
multiple,
SHIN: That's funny...normally she goes for about three or four
innocent bricks at once.
UKYOU: I'd like to see someone break HER innocent--
*WHAP*
much smaller pieces and quite a bit of dust. When she heard her
father's
voice she stopped and debated between setting up another brick or
going to
see what he wanted. *It sounds important so I guess practice can
wait.*
--------------------
Kasumi and Akane sat across the table from their father.
Akane's
yellow gi was a sharp contrast to Kasumi's modest sweater and below
the knee
UKYOU: Could you make that a "way-above-the-knee" skirt?
*WHAP*
HANAKO: Hentai. Anyway, "below-the-knee" would be better with dashes
in between in order to make it an adjective.
skirt. Soun, looked at his daughters with evident pride, not for
anything in
MAKIKO: I can't believe I'm asking you to take OUT a comma. That
should be "Soun looked at his daughters..."
particular he was just a proud parent, as he thought about how
excited they
MAKIKO: Maybe "He was just a proud parent" should be in parentheses.
UKYOU: They're called "brackets."
HANAKO: Outside America, they are.
SHIN: So what are [THESE] called? [THESE] are brackets.
UKYOU: Since when did you learn to use the Square Brackets of Power?
SHIN: ...I was reading Controversial Jack again.
would be to see their sister again.
"Girls, I got a postcard in the mail today and it says that
your
sister Nabiki, her fiancee Ranma and my oldest, dearest friend Genma
Saotome
will be arriving later today!" said Soun as both Akane and Kasumi
gasped.
"Oh, wow, how long has it been since Nabiki left anyway Dad?"
questioned Akane.
MAKIKO: "...since Nabiki left anyway, Dad?"
"Nearly ten years have they been on this training trip." he
replied.
UKYOU: [Yoda voice] "Nearly ten years have they been on this training
trip. Strong with the Force, they are. Yes. Powerful Jedi, they
will be."
"Oh my, if they're going to be here today that means they'll
need
dinner and I only have enough for the three of us! I'll need to go to
the
market and buy groceries." exclaimed Kasumi. As she was getting up to
compile
a list of what she needed a loud knocking came from the front of the
house.
Soun jumped up to answer the door. Kasumi followed at a distance
saying,
"That must be them."
HANAKO: That sounds like something Akane would say. If you want
Kasumi to say it, it would be something more like "Oh, my! I think
they've arrived!" Or if you want Soun to say it (which he would
probably do), have him weeping to the door and saying "It's them!
It's them! They're here! They're here!" or something of the like.
As Akane sat at the table she could hear the noise of reunions
long
past due. She would have joined in but decided to wait. She was, now
that she
thought about it, still a little mad that Nabiki had been chosen over
her to
go on the training trip with Mr. Saotome and Ranma. Though she was
very happy
over not being stuck with a fianc�e, especially not a _boy_. She of
course
immediately realized that the _only_ type of fiancee she or her
sister would
have would be a boy. Unless she and Nabiki had more catching up than
she
assumed.
UKYOU: I wanna see them "catching up!"
HANAKO: C'MERE, YOU!
*Sounds of violence*
SHIN: Hey, that's my department!
The returning Kasumi and Soun broke Akane out of her thoughts.
Right
MAKIKO: I think you meant to say, "The returning OF Kasumi and Soun."
along behind them was a heavy set man wearing a white gi and
handkerchief
over his head who looked a little older than Soun, a tall girl with
brown
hair who she recognized as Nabiki from recent pictures.
UKYOU: Recent pictures? Since when did Genma carry around a camera?
HANAKO: He had one during the "Humiliating Photo-fu" part or the
"Moxibustion/Hiryuu Shouten Ha" story arc.
Lastly was a short
red head that had to be Ranma. Though he looked very....girl-ish{1}
and if
UKYOU: Ooh, footnote.
Akane remembered correctly Ranma had brown hair and was as tall as
Nabiki if
not a little taller.
HANAKO: That sentence doesn't work. Do you mean that Akane
REMEMBERED that Ranma had brown hair (which would be phrased like
"Akane remembered correctly that Ranma...") or do you mean that Akane
THOUGHT Ranma had brown hair (which would be phrased like "Ranma, if
Akane remembered correctly, had brown hair, though, and was as...")?
UKYOU: Actually, his hair's black. Very black. Ataru Moroboshi had
brown hair. Yuusaku Godai had brown hair. Ranma has black hair.
Before she could make an inquiry Soun grabbed Ranma in a bear
hug
whilst exclaiming, "Ranma, it will be such an honor to have you in my
family!" Soun, suddenly looked a little pale. He squeezed Ranma's
upper body
MAKIKO: Drop that comma again. It should be "Soun suddenly looked..."
particularly against him and consequently fainted dead away.
MAKIKO: Maybe that would be better as "He squeezed Ranma's upper body
in particular and consequently fainted dead away."
HANAKO: Still not detailed enough. I think you should explain WHY
Soun fainted, for the benefit of those who haven't read Ranma 1/2.
"Oh, my!" said Kasumi with her hand over her mouth.
"Dad, are you okay?!" shouted Akane dropping down to her
father's
side.
"I knew I forgot something." Nabiki said with a sigh.
SHIN: [snicker]
--------------------
Kasumi gently applied a wet cloth to her father's head. After
he had
fainted Ranma had apologized and asked for some hot water. When
Kasumi had
returned with the kettle he explained everything. During the story
everyone
conscious had shot at least one glare at Genma who by the end was
sweating
bullets. Everyone turned his or her attention from Ranma to Soun as
he moaned.
--------------------
As Soun came to he decided he had been hallucinating. That had
to be
it. There was no way that Ranma, Nabiki's fianc�e that she loved so
much and
constantly talked about in her letters and also happened to be
Genma's son,
was a girl. Right? "Oooohh..." Soun moaned as he opened his eyes
cautiously
to find his three daughters, his old friend Genma and a strange young
boy
surrounding him. *Ah, so I was hallucinating! That must be Ranma!* he
thought
as he smiled.
"Sorry about that, Mr. Tendo," said Ranma looking sheepish, "I
swear
I can explain why I was a girl."
Soun fainted again.
SHIN: [snicker]
"Way to go Ranma. What have I told you about easing into
things that
MAKIKO: "Way to go, Ranma."
could give someone a heart attack?" scolded Nabiki slapping him in
the back
MAKIKO: "...scolded Nabiki, slapping him..."
of the head.
UKYOU: That should be "ON" the back of the head. Unless she was
feeling REALLY violent.
Ranma rubbed the back of his head and smiled very sheepishly,
"To do
it?"
Nabiki didn't look amused but couldn't glare at Ranma for
long.
Nabiki sighed. "Ranma, when Daddy wakes up this time why don't you
just stay
quiet and let me explain it to him?" asked Nabiki in a tone implying
it
MAKIKO: "...in a tone, implying..."
wasn't a question.
"All right..I'm s-sorry Nabiki. I didn't mean to blurt that
out..."
replied Ranma hanging his head.
MAKIKO: "...Ranma, hanging his head."
The others just looked on.
--------------------
UKYOU: I really think these dividers are set a bit too far out. Maybe
you should put them against the left-hand side.
Again Soun Tendo began to regain consciousness dead set on the
fact
that he had been hallucinating. Again he moaned. And again he
cautiously
opened his eyes. This time only his middle daughter Nabiki sat above
him.
HANAKO: I like that repetition with "again."
"Hi, Daddy. How do you feel?"
"Fine. But I do believe I've been seeing things." said Soun
calmly
for a man who had seen first his future son-in-law have parts of the
female
anatomy and second heard him say he could explain why he'd been a
girl.
Nabiki winced slightly. "About that, Daddy..." began Nabiki
before
trailing off. *How to put this?* she silently thought to her self.
"What about it?" asked the eldest Tendo now thoroughly
confused and
looking the part.
"You know that training ground I told you about?"
"Mm hmm. What about it Nabiki?"
"Well, as I implied we found it."
MAKIKO: "...as I implied, we found it."
"Okay, I can follow this." said Soun nodding.
"After we found its location we went there." Nabiki said still
trying
to figure out exactly how to tell him whenever she or her fiancee was
doused
with cold water that they changed sexes.
"All right. What happened next?" Soun asked prodding her on
hoping
beyond all hopes that he hadn't _not_ been seeing things.
Sighing Nabiki began to tell her father word for word, action
for
action what happened when she, Ranma and Genma had arrived at
Jusenkyo; the
training ground of cursed springs.....
MAKIKO: Change that semicolon into a comma.
--------------------
After months of searching all over China they had found it.
Finally,
they were at the fabled cursed training ground of Jusenkyo. Genma was
still
proud he had been able to trick Ranma and Nabiki into coming here.
After all
MAKIKO: "...after all,..."
she was a very clever girl and Ranma was catching on quick. Genma was
of
course thinking of how he had paid a man to 'bump into him' and end
up
telling him a tale of an amazing training ground off in the vast
mountains of
China.
HANAKO: Genma couldn't be that smart.
UKYOU: Maybe he was thinking on a full stomach.
"Ah, this doesn't look so bad Pop." Ranma said looking
disappointedly
MAKIKO: Two violations of the comma rule. Number one: "...this
doesn't look so bad, Pop." Number two: "Ranma said, looking..."
at the springs with bamboo poles sticking out of them.
UKYOU: Why would he look disappointedly at a training ground that he
says doesn't look too bad?
Nabiki just stared in disbelief.
"Come on boy, it's not the training ground itself but how you
use
it!" exclaimed Genma.
"Then why did we _waste_ ALL that time looking for this
specific
one!" roared Nabiki.
Genma laughed nervously and changed the subject. "Uh, um, come
on!
Don't tell me you're afraid."
SHIN: Yep, that's Genma.
Ranma sneered and jumped up onto a pole a few springs out,
easily
balancing on one foot. "I ain't scared of nothing old man."
MAKIKO: That's "...nothing, old man."
HANAKO: I don't know, but don't you think Nabiki would've helped
Ranma with his grammar?
UKYOU: Probably not without a fee.
Genma smiled as he too jumped up on top of a pole, "That's the
boy I
raised! Nabiki get up here!"
MAKIKO: "Nabiki, get up here!"
UKYOU: So, Genma wants Nabiki to climb his pole and--
*THWAP*
Nabiki sighed and followed muttering about the value of time.
HANAKO: Maybe it would be better as "Nabiki sighed and followed,
muttering something about the value of time."
Were it not the guide's time of annual visit to town she would
not
have. Speaking fluent Chinese _and_ Mandarin was the one condition
Nabiki had
set down before leaving Japan.
SHIN: Um, I hate to break it to you, but Chinese itself is NOT a
spoken language. Mandarin is one of the forms of spoken Chinese.
Other ones include (in rough order of usage) Cantonese, Shangainese,
Fukien, and regional dialects.
In seconds it was over. Two vengeful teenagers launched Genma
into a
spring. Ranma, second to fall in a spring, was put there by pure
shock as in
place of his fat, stupid, slow, old man hopping out of the spring was
a fat,
black and white Panda bear. Nabiki was the third and final victim of
Jusenkyo
that day. Though she had kept her wits about her she had not been
able to
block the simple snap kick the panda at aimed at her stomach and as a
result
went flying in the opposite direction of her just surfacing fiancee
who now
had red hair for some reason. None of this registered, as Nabiki was
too busy
staring at her flat, chiseled chest.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed a very male voice that should _not_
have
been coming from Nabiki.
UKYOU: Ah, Nannichuan.
--------------------
As Ranma swam to the surface of the pool he pondered what
exactly he
had seen. For he knew it hadn't been a panda. No. Now way. His father
had
done something to him and he knew it, but what? He surfaced and
immediately
felt something besides the whole panda thing was wrong.
He laughed. *Heh, I've got tits.*
UKYOU: You sure do!
*WHAP*
HANAKO: Hentai.
SHIN: Did you read "Ill Met by Starlight?" It had a sentence
remarkably similar to that one.
Ranma was still for a few moments.
As he heard a scream he decided to join in. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" rang
out his
now female voice.
--------------------
Genma was on the verge of tears. How could his son be such a
coward!?
How could _his_ off spring be so cowardly as to fall backwards at the
sight
of his _father_! *At least Nabiki is still a good student.* He took
back the
thought as he saw her go flying after being hit with a kick a five
year old
could have blocked. *Ahhh! I have brought nothing but shame to myself
if
these are the students whom I have produced!*
When he went to lecture them and it came out as a 'Growf'
Genma
looked down at himself and was quick to do the best he could at
joining the
two already screaming voices.
HANAKO: Maybe you should put in his scream, for humorous effect.
You know, something like:
==
...and was quick to join the two already screaming voices.
"Groooowwwwf!" rang out Genma's cry.
===
[pause]
HANAKO: Okay, maybe that's not too funny. You get the idea, though.
--------------------
"And, so, Ranma and I are now are cursed to change sexes when
splashed with cold water. Genma turns into a panda. Luckily for
Genma's sake
the whole process is reset by hot water." finished Nabiki thinking of
a way
to stop her father from killing Genma while not hurting him and still
letting
him beat the snot out of Genma.
UKYOU: I've seen this situation two or three times already and I
always think to myself, "since they know where both the nannichuan and
the nyannichuan are, why don't they just jump into the right springs?"
HANAKO: It wouldn't be half as fun that way, would it?
UKYOU: At least you could put in some reason they didn't. It'd make
it that much more believable.
".....You change back with hot water?" asked Soun a creepy
calmness
to his voice.
"Yes."
"And you love Ranma still?"
MAKIKO: It'd be better as "And you still love Ranma?"
"Of course Daddy!" said Nabiki indignant that her father
thought
MAKIKO: Two more comma errors. It should be, "'Of course, Daddy!'
said Nabiki, indignant..."
something as stupid as a curse could hinder her feelings and
judgment.
"Then this isn't so bad after all!" shouted Soun.
Nabiki's eye twitched rapidly before she face faulted.
1. Wasn't sure if bishonen was the right word to use here so I
didn't. If it
is then pretend I did.
UKYOU: Bisho(u)nen is a word used to describe men. Bisho(u)jo is
what people use to describe women. Oh, and one more thing: Only one
footnote? What's the point of numbering them, then?
HANAKO: Consistency.
UKYOU: There can't be consistency when it's just one footnote!
[pause]
Haven't we had this conversation before?
So, what do you think? Is it good? Should I die numerous times? C&C
if anyone
out there can give it would be welcomed open armedly. I have no
preferences.
Flames, comments, criticism, public, private whatever! I just want to
know
how I'm doing and whether or not anyone enjoyed this. If they have
then I
myself will be greatly joyed because right after me all of you are
who I'm
writing this for. Anyway, back to my slave labo..errrrr...school
work.
LAWRENCE: Yeah, I know what you're feeling. I should be going back to
my schoolwork too.
UKYOU: Who're you?
LAWRENCE: Er...ahh...forget I was here. [poof]
UKYOU: Who was that guy who just--
*ping*
Ano...I feel like something just happened, but I can't remember for
the LIFE of me what it was...
Hope
to hear from anyone soon.
********************************************************************
* If I had a good quote or some nifty tag line I'd put it here *
********************************************************************
UKYOU: Ba-dum-bump!
MAKIKO: That's the end of what we got! What do you guys think?
HANAKO: Generally okay, I guess. Nothing too far OOC, but there are
a few things that could be reworked a little. Give it another
revision or two.
SHIN: The one fight scene here ought to be redone. Also, if you're
planning on making this a series, it'd be really great if you can
pop some scenes in with the mastered Neko-ken.
MAKIKO: Let me get this thing out first: REREAD YOUR LESSONS ON COMMA
USAGE!
[pause]
Now that I've got that out of my system, I can say that you've got a
nice story going here. If you revise it a couple of times, it can
become a great Alterniverse fic. Keep working on it!
[pause]
Anything else, guys?
HANAKO: No.
SHIN: Nope.
UKYOU: How about a gender-changing lemon--
*Insert sounds of violence*
MAKIKO: ...well...I guess that's all we have for now. Bye!
b $$P |"And I'll feel better
$$P $$ | in the morning,
d$$eee$$eeeee$$e | The pain will fade as
,d$P $$ | time goes by,
dP" $$ | What was taken, I won't
$$ | miss or I'll replace
eeeeeeeeeee$$eeeeeeee$$e | Nevermind me,
$$ | I'm all right."
,$$ $$ `b |--"Nevermind Me,"
,$$ $$ `b. | The Bosstones
d$P $$ `$b. |chu_bear@hotmail.com
,d$P $$ `$$bee |ICQ: LoopyChew, 8413137
edP" $$ `$$ |LoopyChew Music now
"7$P | officially blacked out.
__ __
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