Larry F writes:
 >     Hi!  Since you have begged for C&C, here you go, both barrels.  I tend to get
 > a bit brutal in some places, but I hope it's all constructive.

One just feels like rebuttaling, where one felt things were clear
enough/proper.  Hopes no one minds.  All opinions are one's own.  (For 
obvious reasons.)

 > 
 > > including the other, may be allowed to suspect
 > > _is_ the Other then things are supposed to be managed for maximum
 > > embarrassment for all involved. (Yes, it _is_ a complex sentence. Read
 > > it through a couple times, it means what it says.)
 > 
 >     It might help if you chose a consistent line of capitalization.  You go back
 > and forth between "Other" and "other"; IMHO, it would be better if you used
 > "Other" in all cases (since I believe that the term is meant to be highly
 > significant).

Well, it's highly significant where it's capitalized; the
capitalization is intended to set of particular cases.

 > > calls the attention of
 > > the house, and otherwise results in complete higgelty-piggelty. Alas
 > > for the devotees of the Right and Proper Order of Things, however,
 > > Ranma's well-honed reflexes and hard-wired skills were in full working
 > > order; and she removed herself from complete (if, sadly, clothed)
 > > entanglement in Akane's embrace to a position standing upright in the
 > > middle of the room without much more than a mild heart attack.
 > 
 >     The semicolon in this paragraph is not right.  A semicolon closes one thought
 > and launches the reader into a related thought.  The sentences here are a
 > continual line of thought and should be separated by a simple comma or made into
 > individual sentences.  Also, the purpose of the word "and" is to join two
 > sentences together; it is normally a grammatical error to place punctuation in
 > front of it.  (Sound like an English teacher, don't I?)

Well, error to put a semicolon in front of it.  Either a comma would
be appropriate, or removal of the and, but not simple removal of the
semicolon.

 > > She also noted the pounding pain of a massive
 > > migraine headache, foretelling an impressive hang-over.
 > 
 >     Is the use here, and in following paragraphs, of the idea that they would
 > develop a hangover appropriate?  They did not get drunk, they expended vast
 > amounts of spiritual energy and got the stuffing kicked out of them in the astral
 > fighting.  That would cause them to ache every bit as much as you describe, but
 > not to experience the symptoms of hangover.  I've also experienced extreme fatigue
 > and excruciating pain, and it never made me act the way you are portraying in this
 > scene.  The "dead-rat-in-mouth" taste, the extreme sensitivity to light and sound,
 > and the general unsteadiness you are describing are "morning after a drinking
 > binge", not "morning after a traumatic experience".  Migraine and stiffness are
 > more to be expected.  After sustaining a severe injury, walking was difficult for
 > me and I preferred quiet, but light posed no hazards and my mouth, while dry,
 > tasted no worse than usual.

What this is getting at, one thinks, is what's revealed later in the
massive eating scenes... this isn't a hangover, it's a hang_under_.
They're operating on a caloric and fluid deficiency brought about by
'borrowing' fuel from their future selves.  (How that would have
worked out had they not returned, one's not sure.  Time paradoxes and
such.)

 > >
 > >    Shortly, a shambling figure tackled the complex challenge of walking
 > > down a flight of stairs without toppling over. It's progress was not
 > > eased by its apparent difficulty with the dim hallway light, which was
 > > causing it to move in a series of flinches. Exerting supreme self-control,
 > > it avoided a lunging attempt to descend the stairs and achieve the
 > > door of the furo in a single moment, outracing light itself. Which was
 > > a good thing, really, because the photons hanging around were already
 > > sufficiently annoyed, and the figure was in enough trouble as it was.
 > 
 >     Going to neuter pronouns here makes no sense to me.  We already know that it's
 > Akane, so why not use the feminine and say "she" and "her"?

Probably from the emphasis that this figure isn't _entirely_ human at
the moment... the gods know one's been in that state, and neuter is
about the right gender to attribute it.

 > >    Ranma stood up and gingerly took the sword away, laying it flat on the
 > > portable table she was using to hold her cleaning gear. "Taiken. It's a
 > > taiken." She withdrew the sword from its scabbard and turned it over and
 > > around in her hands. It was slightly longer than a katana, straight bladed
 > > and double-edged, but still chisel-pointed. It was made of a dull, gray
 > > steel, better polished in the middle of the blade, which sank into a
 > > blood-groove accented by the yakiba-mon, the wavy pattern that indicates the
 > > different steel composition used in the edge of a blade.
 > 
 >     I'm confused by the description of the sword.  Japanese blades tend to be
 > single edged or only sharpened a short distance along the back from the point;
 > it's a product of the way they are forged.  If a Katana style sword was double
 > edged, it would lose the flexibility of the softer metal back spine used to give
 > it toughness.  If a Japanese blade wasn't of composite materials, it would be
 > rather brittle due to the extreme hardness folding the steel and the extra edge
 > tempering brings about.  Also, are you basing this more on the ancient pattern of
 > Ken brought from China, or the later pattern the Japanese developed themselves
 > that evolved into the Tachi and Katana styles?  If it's a Ken pattern, it wouldn't
 > have a chisel point.

Simply put, it _isn't_ a Japanese sword.  It's a sword from a reality
somewhat removed, which had a culture vaguely analogous to feudal
Japan.  The sword style is similar to that of some earthly swords, but 
corresponds to none.  (One is impressed by your knowledge of the
field, though.)

 > >    Quickly dressing, she picked Isileth from the stand on her dresser
 > > and slipped her in her jacket.
 > 
 >     How long IS this sword?  How big is that _jacket_??

Observe this simple handkerchief; observe this battleship...

 > >    The room was mostly dark, if you didn't count the TV. Normally, Sayuri
 > > was as capable of vegging out as any teenager,
 > 
 >     It's probably "veging".  Double "g's" would rhyme with "begging".  Hard to
 > say, since it's a slang term and has no official spelling.

One's usually seen it as vegging, but you're right; the orthography is 
screwy.



-Taper, who doesn't know if this helps, but it was fun.

-- 
Jeffery "Taper" Wickel                            jtwickel@nyx.net 
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Business is a combination of war and sport.
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