At 10:10 PM 4/5/99 -0700, you wrote:

Waters Under Earth

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic by Alan Harnum 
-harnums@thekeep.org
-harnums@hotmail.com (old/backup)

Commentary's welcomed, as always, and much appreciated.

{Oh, good.  :)  All comments strictly my opinion, and offered
in good spirit... but you know that by now.  :) }

Yup.  :)

     Only after he had finished that did he turn.  Though the
room was hot and he wore a gold- and silver-trimmed robe of heavy
brown cloth, there was not a bead of sweat upon his brow, nor any
other sign he felt the heat.  "<Well-met, Maiden, though under
dark circumstance.  It is good to see that you are awake.">

{Comparative mythology... my first thought was Hephaestos and
Aphrodite, of course, but they didn't quite fit.  None of the
Norse gods or giants did either.  Goibniu and Brigit, perhaps?}

Not really anything completely analogous.  The giants are based upon a
number of sources, including some of the ones you cite.  I think I had in
mind both the Sidhe and the "dwarf" smith of Michael Moorcock's second set
of Corum books when I conceived them.  

     Now she did take it with one hand, and tucked the sword
carefully into her belt.  "<I don't understand.>"

{Darn right, carefully.  That's a good way to lose a belt -- if
you're lucky.  There's a reason why scabbards were invented about
five minutes after swords were.  :) }

Doh.  Yes, I should give it a scabbard.  -.-

One tapestry in particular caught Shampoo's eye; a lone figure, 
too indistinct to tell its gender, stood atop the pinnacle of a 
mountain.  With its hands raised, it appeared to be calling up 
the fire-crested waves of waters that swirled around him.

{Anyone we know?  :) }

Maybe.  :)

     It was too strange, all of it.  The last day had blossomed
into a series of events that she simply was not - it hurt to
admit her own limitations, but she wasn't stupid enough not to do
so now - equipped to deal with.  They had taken them from the
house, and done something to Kuno, and there had been mist and a
dragon and...

{Oh, good.  Before Nabiki can learn, she has to admit how little
she knows...}

Absolutely right.  Nabiki's had it hammered home to her (repeatedly) that
she's out of her league, and she's finally come to realize just how far out
she is.

hand in her other one, though Akane had never been very 
comfortable in the water, even with the two of them to keep her
afloat.  Kasumi had always led the way then, too.

{heh.  Of course she'd be a "hammer girl" when younger, too.  :) }

Yup.  :)

     It was hard to remember the kind of person her older sister
had been before their mother died, and Tofu moved into the
neighbourhood.  Those two events became almost synonymous with 
one another in Nabiki's mind; both had changed Kasumi in ways 
that had never been fully visible to her until now.  What would
Kasumi have been like if it hadn't gone that way?

{Don't ask.  That way lies unending regret.}

"That way lies alt-uni fics!"

     The bottom of the pool seemed almost infinitely far below
their feet now.

{You know, that's a weird thing.  I've been swimming in water that
was only twice as deep as I am tall, but too murky to see the
bottom, and I've been swimming in water five miles deep, and there
IS a difference... and I've been swimming at night, and that's
different from both.  GOOD sentence to evoke those memories.}

Swimming in deep water at night is one of the most vivid memories I have.
There's a sense of absolutely infinity, a sort of boundlessness... I would
compare it to floating in space, even though I've never done that.  :)

     Nabiki looked up, and realized then that they were inside,
impossible as that seemed.  A vast dome of green crystal
stretched overhead.  The ocean appeared to be above it; flitting 

{"Ocean" implies that they are not under the lake in Ryugenzawa,
that they are... elsewhere.  Is this what you mean to imply?}

Yes, it is.

dark shapes of fish soared by beyond the emerald barrier.  
Nervously, she saw that there were cracks in the dome, as if the 

as though the  {perhaps?  I notice that you use "as if" 23 times,
and "as though" not at all; is this intentional?  To me, "as though"
would seem to fit the flavor of your language better in many
places... up to you, of course.}

Not really intentional.  "As if" just generally comes easier to mind.

and sharp; as if she looked at Nabiki, but from some place very
far away.  "I see now, Nabiki.  You didn't understand.  I never 
said we were going to see our mother."

{The otherworldliness of Kasumi here is wonderful.  It's perfectly
obvious to her what she means, of course, so obvious that it's
almost surprising that she realizes that Nabiki misunderstood her.}

It takes her a while, but she does figure it out eventually.
 

     She opened her mouth to say something, and then from far off
there came the sound of some vast explosion; the ground shook, 
and cracks ran crazily through the green dome that held out the
ocean.

{Ocean again.  I guess this IS somewhere else.}

The garden, in both this chapter and it's earlier appearance in Chapter 10,
is conceived as a sort of "place between".  Not really entirely of this
world; more of a bridging point between the waters of the dragons.

     Precise and ordered as a military formation, the animals
coursed from the grove and into the surrounding woods.  From
above there was the sound of splintering, and a tiny, tumbling
chip of emerald crystal came falling down from above.  Slow as a
feather it fell, glinting in the sea-filtered sunlight, to land
at Kasumi's feet.  

{Whoa.  That must be a serious artifact.}

Maybe.  Maybe not.

     Kasumi made the pool first.  More specifically, Nabiki
looked back at the last minute, to see Kuno slide one blade at
the last minute up the shaft of the broom and into Shinnosuke's

{Did you mean to repeat "at the last minute"?}

Nope.  It was late.  I was tired.  -.-

heart.  The boy's mouth opened in a soft gasp, and then he 
toppled off, sliding from the impaling sword with a wet sound.

{Ow.  Another good guy added to the casualty list.  You're cruel
to your characters, Alan.}

Only the minor ones who have to appear because of the location, but that I
have no actual use for.  :)

     Now he stood looking down at Jusenkyou, with the morning 
wind in his hair, and dew clinging to the grass at his feet.  In
one hand, he loosely held his sword.  Old memories threatened, as
they always did.  Small birds flitted from sparse tree to sparse
tree, singing in high voices to the sun; a swallow was engaged in 
industriously building a nest in one tree.

{The tiny details overlaid on the deeps of time work very well
for me.  Sometimes, afoot in the middle of nowhere, I'll suddenly
notice a few pebbles, and they'll help me understand the scope
of the desert.}

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
 

     At last.  Had he not gone so far from what he had once been,
tears would have sprang to his eyes at the joy that rushed 
through him.  The master howled inside his head, and it was then
that he knew.  Yoko had done it.  Laughter filled his mind, and
came coursing out through his mouth.

{I hope he rose from the pool first, or he'd be bubbling instead
of laughing, and that's not real dramatic...}

Will make it clear he comes out before laughing.  

thousand years, and longer even than that in different form.  
The surface was mottled with swirls of pale and dark gold, and
had a glowing lustre to it.  Sold, its worth would have been 
almost incalculable.  He cleaned the clinging bits of weed from 
it, and walked on.  The next pool had been fallen into, and 
quite recently.  He could see the connection stretching off to 
the south.  

{It's the Pearl of the Dragon of Change, isn't it?  Oh dear.}

Yup.  Focus of the power of Jusenkyou.

     His fingers stroked the smooth, water-weathered stone of the
statue.  "How many names do you have, my lady?" he whispered
almost respectfully.  "Morrigan?  Inanna?  Athena?  Ashura?"  The
voice calmed slightly.  "I know a part of you was in all those, 
as was a part of them."  The Ironwing soared overhead; he 
wondered what was taking Shouzin so long to bring the Guide and 
his daughter.  "They don't understand either.  You cannot escape
what you are.  It will all return to him in the end.  
Everything."

{Aiya.  I'd thought there was something odd about the "Spring
of Drowned Ashura", but this...}

Well, the manga says that a statue of Ashura drowned there... the way I
reasoned it out, there had to be something awfully funny about the statue.
The date of the Ashura pool's creation (4000 years ago) also coincides
exactly with how old Saffron says Jusendo is in V37.

     A low moan, barely a whisper, came involuntarily from him.
With all his strength, all the rage and hate and pain of four
thousand years of walking completely and utterly alone upon the
world, the Serpent - who had been Yan once, but no more - brought
the golden pearl and the crude stone statue slamming together
over his head, so that both of them shattered into a thousand
pieces, and so he brought the Dark down upon the Valley of the 
Waters.

{A storm of building implications, suddenly focusing, suddenly
released.  Applause.}

Four thousand years is a LONG time to wait.  :)

     Ryoga heard Rouge scream, and looked up for only an instant
from Akane cradled in his arms.  The arrow had gone all the way
through her left forearm.  Blood was everywhere, and her face was
sickeningly pale.  

{Good thing they were using armor-piercing points.  If they'd been
loaded with broadheads, Akane would be having very bad blood-loss
problems right now.}

Eeyup.
      

vanished.  Ryoga hoped Ranma - if... no, when they found him - 
would have come through this whole long journey more unchanged 
than Mousse had.

{"less changed" might work better than "more unchanged"}

Yes, it would.  Late, tired, etcetera...

{Oh, what a vain hope...}

Irony is fun, isn't it?

     Ryoga frowned, unhappily confused.  "Why are you so helpful
all of a sudden?"

     "Law requires," Bai Ling said.  Her tone was that of someone
resigned to doing something because they had no other choice.

     "Law requires what?"
     
     "Law requires that wife help husband."

{Wahahahaha!  Oh, Ryouga, you'll regret how you treated Ranma yet...}

And no, this isn't about to turn into The More Things Change.  :)

     Father threw the water on it.  A tiny swallow blinked with
surprise on the floor where the monster had been, and then the
door crashed off its hinges, and three more of them loomed 
beyond it.  

{heh.  Nice choice of weapons.}

After what happened in V37, the Guide got prepared.  :)

     From above, someone spoke.  Female, and - frightening and 
familiar as it was to hear it again - it was blessedly more
pleasant to hear than the growling, murky voices of the winged
monsters.  "<Hold, in the king's name.>"

{Woohoo!  Air cavalry!  Go, Kiima!  :) }

The BGM for this scene is, of course, the Ride of the Valkyries.  :)

{Plum's a good kid: bright and gutsy.  Applause for your treatment
of this little-used minor character.}

I like Plum a lot, and am glad to have an opportunity to use her when I can
in WUE.

     Yoko raised her hand.  A black line of light, thin as her
finger, shot forth.  It struck the Lady of Life directly through
the heart, and flung her back into the sea.  She hit with a
splash, bobbed once, and sank down within.  The kimono slipped
with a rustle of silk off the edge after its wearer.

{Too easy.  I can't help thinking that the Dragon's not as out as
Yoko thinks she is.}

We'll see.

     "I want to see him!" she snarled.  "Ryoga, let me back up. I 
have to kill Cologne for doing this to me!"

{I like the way Akane's spirit overpowers her common sense.  That
has to be one of the things Ranma loves about her... because if it's
not, he couldn't stand her.}

You can't help but love a woman who gets carried away once in a while.  :)

     "Pierce earth, pierce sky," he recited.  "Pierce heaven to
its core.  Hell answer to mine call, send down thy legions on 
pinions of iron.  Cold winds blow, let water and sky be joined,
pour down thy bowl of night upon the earth."

{Um.  More of his old prophecy?}

Just general spookiness, really.  

     Then, when one of them turned its head at her shout, she
realized it was worse than she had even expected.  The face was 

even worse than she had expected.

{or, which fits your style better,}
worse even than she had expected.

{or, if you're feeling pessimistic,}
worse than even she had expected.

{Gee, this is fun!  :) }

Fanfic is nice because the reader has a limited ability to affect the
author.  :)

     "Don't waste your energy on me," she snapped.  "Use it on
yourself."

     "I can't," Ranma said, straightening with a shake of his
head and a long breath.  "You think it comes out of nowhere?  
Using it on myself is pointless."

{Oh, very good.  Nothing comes without a price, and it's always
easier to wound than to heal.  Applause for this seemingly-minor
point.}

<nod>  This is a common thread throughout WUE... Ranma is far more able to
destroy things than he is able to repair them.  

     "<Jusenkyou has faced worse than you,>" the Guide said,
defiantly, with only a slight tremble to his voice.  There was a 

said defiantly,

little courage in the man, apparently.     

{Quite a lot, actually, but the Serpent can't see it...}

You tend to underestimate people when you're at his level of power.  :)

     "<You don't understand,>" the Serpent growled.  "<None of
them do either.  I will see this world die; I will see it cracked
and broken, and every living thing that walks or flies or crawls
or swims perish, every city thrown done, all that lives or is 
made by that which lives or has the potential to bring forth life
destroyed.  He will make them rulers of men while it suits him,
but in the end his promise is to me.>"

{Ick.  He's not evil, he's entropy.}

"I choose the means most conducive to my ends."

swarmed like maggots, chunks of skin sloughing off as they rubbed 

{Suggest "tatters" rather than "chunks"; skin's not usually chunky...}

Yeah, that sounds better.

     Her gaze went down towards the sea of corpses, and she
received one answer.  Near the base of the rocky spire, a single
face she recognized occasionally emerged from the sliding dead
like a swimmer drawing desperate gasps of air.  Kuno's mouth was

{Huh.  He's not wearing the hood.  Interesting.}

Nope.  He's not.  What could it mean... WHAT COULD IT MEAN?!?!?

(Sorry)

     Cursing Kuno, this place, and everything else she could
think of that had any connection to her current situation, she     
turned around and stretched her leg down to find a hold for her
foot.  And so she began the descent into the pit of the dead.

{Wow.  For some reason, this part grabbed me more than any other
part of this chapter, probably because it's so... personal.  It's
so much like an allegory for Nabiki's struggle for her own
redemption that I'm forced to suspect that the Dragon of Life
sent her to a place that was at least partially inside her own
head.  Two other reasons: Kuno's not wearing a hood, and Kasumi
evidently went somewhere else.  But if Nabiki can ever forgive
herself, and earn forgiveness from others, saving one of the
people she betrayed is a good start, and this may be the place
for her to do that.}

All very good points, and very true.  It's nice to see a deeper
understanding of the themes here, Vince; very reassuring.  :)

     "If I had been there, none of this would have happened."
     
     "But you weren't."  
     
     Cologne looked suddenly tired, ancient even in that young
body.  She folded her hands in her lap and drew a deep breath.
"What is done is done, and cannot be undone."

{Can't it?  Ranma or Kiima would disagree.  Of course, that may
be the ultimate reason Ranma is there: he refuses to believe in
his own limitations, and hence can prevail where wiser heads
capitulate.  Still, Cologne's being pretty thick here, in her
own characteristic way.}

Cologne's talking more about time here than anything else... past events
can't really be undone, only compensated for.  But you make a good point;
Ranma's stubborn refusal to admit defeat is what has brought him through so
many times.

     And at last, again, after so long a time, after division and
parting, beyond the passage through darkness and light, under 
stone and under sky, beneath sun and stars, rivers join again, 
into a single river, into Oceanus, into the ocean river, flowing
down into the depths of the sea.

{Marvellous reunion scene... but things are going to get real bad
in payment, aren't they?}

<innocent whistling>  What gives you that idea?  :)

{Gary beat me to the "action" reference, though.  Rats.  :) }

You must be horribly disappointed.  :)

End Chapter 36

What can I say?  This is great.  I'm in to the end.

Cool.  Shouldn't be long.  I'm nearly there.  :)

Another incredibly insightful (and extensive) commentary, Vincent.  Kudos
for such attention to detail and understanding of the story.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum