Nabiki and Ranma �
By Mike Malaspina
WoLF: Hmmm a C&C. Haven't done that in a bit.
Andrew: You sure you're up to this?
WoLF: Who are you kidding. I was born ready.
Dear Daddy,
Sorry, it's been so long since I've written but we recently found
ourselves in China searching for a legendary training ground Genma read
about
For all of Nabiki's contempt for Genma, she always refers to him as Mr.
Saotome.
in that training manual he got. You know the one where we got the Neko-ken
from. Of course we didn't find this out until after so Ranma and I weren't
able to stop from going there. We'll explain more about that later though.
^ insert here and remove the rest
him from taking us there.
After he finished reading he cried more thinking to himself, *What
has Saotome done to my little girl now!*
This is very funny... expect that I don't think Soun sees Genma as the
trouble-maker he is. He doesn't usually say anything about it.
Two human forms ran down the street. Hot on their heels was one large
definitely non-human form. As they reached the end of the street and entered
another more open one the two human forms, one a short, red headed girl, the
other a boy of medium height with brown hair, turned to face their pursuer.
"There is no way I'm going home for the first time in ten years like this
you
stupid, fat, old man!" screamed the boy.
I wonder if a girl can get cursed with the form of a different looking girl?
The larger form, a panda, 'Growf'ed and looked to be thinking.
"Don't hurt yourself old man." mocked the young red head in a
WoLF: <snicker>
to throw attacks and raise defenses at the same time. Still it only took a
minute for the much-outsized girl to kick the panda's ass.
WoLF: much-outsized? Ranma isn't THAT endowed except in the movies.
"Ranma, not that Genma doesn't deserve it but why must you always
start a fight you know you'll win at the most inopportune times?" asked the
boy.
WoLF: <raises an eyebrow> I don't agree with this. Ranma is not better than
his father. Not at the beginning of the series at least. I don't know
where you got this idea... unless there is a reason that has not been
explained yet.
--------------------
much smaller pieces and quite a bit of dust. When she heard her father's
voice she stopped and debated between setting up another brick or going to
I would use the word "summons" instead of "voice.
Also, put a comma after voice (or summons if you decide to use it).
see what he wanted. *It sounds important so I guess practice can wait.*
This sounds weird. Try this:
*It sounds important... I guess practice can wait.*
The thought doesn't sound so contrived that way.
--------------------
Kasumi and Akane sat across the table from their father. Akane's
yellow gi was a sharp contrast to Kasumi's modest sweater and below the knee
skirt. Soun, looked at his daughters with evident pride, not for anything in
particular he was just a proud parent, as he thought about how excited they
, . He was looking forward to seeing how
excited they would be to see their sister again.
would be to see their sister again.
go on the training trip with Mr. Saotome and Ranma. Though she was very
happy
over not being stuck with a fianc�e, especially not a _boy_. She of course
about
have would be a boy. Unless she and Nabiki had more catching up than she
assumed.
WoLF: Hunh? This makes no sense unless Akane is expecting:
a) a curse, which she doesn't have any knowledge about yet.
b) Nabiki to turn les... which is DC's current affliction. ^_~
The returning Kasumi and Soun broke Akane out of her thoughts. Right
along behind them was a heavy set man wearing a white gi and handkerchief
over his head who looked a little older than Soun, a tall girl with brown
hair who she recognized as Nabiki from recent pictures. Lastly was a short
red head that had to be Ranma. Though he looked very....girl-ish{1} and if
Akane remembered correctly Ranma had brown hair and was as tall as Nabiki if
not a little taller.
WoLF: Why on earth would Ranma remain female? The others turned back.
--------------------
Kasumi gently applied a wet cloth to her father's head. After he had
fainted Ranma had apologized and asked for some hot water. When Kasumi had
returned with the kettle he explained everything. During the story everyone
, ,
conscious had shot at least one glare at Genma who by the end was sweating
,
bullets. Everyone turned his or her attention from Ranma to Soun as he
moaned.
WoLF: Cool. Free munitions
--------------------
"Sorry about that, Mr. Tendo," said Ranma looking sheepish, "I swear
I can explain why I was a girl."
Soun fainted again.
Andrew: Bwahahahahahahaha! That was worth it.
"Way to go Ranma. What have I told you about easing into things that
could give someone a heart attack?" scolded Nabiki slapping him in the back
of the head.
WoLF: Here is another quote that sounds weird. Considering that they've been
on the road, I'm not sure where they would run into situations like
this.
Nabiki didn't look amused but couldn't glare at Ranma for long.
Nabiki sighed. "Ranma, when Daddy wakes up this time why don't you just stay
quiet and let me explain it to him?" asked Nabiki in a tone implying it
wasn't a question.
"All right..I'm s-sorry Nabiki. I didn't mean to blurt that out..."
replied Ranma hanging his head.
Andrew: Ranma... apologizing?
WoLF: In this case, it's viable. He's been brought up with a girl to give
him at least a bit of guidance. Now, the question is, if Nabiki's
been gone for ten years with Genma as the only source of inspiration,
why is she so savvy?
--------------------
"Okay, I can follow this." said Soun nodding.
Andrew: <Snickers>
--------------------
After months of searching all over China they had found it. Finally,
they were at the fabled cursed training ground of Jusenkyo. Genma was still
proud he had been able to trick Ranma and Nabiki into coming here. After all
she was a very clever girl and Ranma was catching on quick. Genma was of
course thinking of how he had paid a man to 'bump into him' and end up
telling him a tale of an amazing training ground off in the vast mountains
of
China.
WoLF: Ok... Genma's a bit wiser too. Looks like having Nabiki around has
made
him a lot more cunning. Might make for a more interesting (if
dangerous)
character.
Andrew: I'm looking forward to seeing more of him.
--------------------
Genma was on the verge of tears. How could his son be such a coward!?
How could _his_ off spring be so cowardly as to fall backwards at the sight
offspring
--------------------
"And, so, Ranma and I are now are cursed to change sexes when
splashed with cold water. Genma turns into a panda. Luckily for Genma's sake
,
,
the whole process is reset by hot water." finished Nabiki thinking of a way
to stop her father from killing Genma while not hurting him and still
letting
him beat the snot out of Genma.
Andrew: I don't like this last bit.
WoLF: Me neither. It's too vulgar and contrived to be believable.
".....You change back with hot water?" asked Soun a creepy calmness
to his voice.
"Yes."
"And you love Ranma still?"
"Of course Daddy!" said Nabiki indignant that her father thought
something as stupid as a curse could hinder her feelings and judgment.
"Then this isn't so bad after all!" shouted Soun.
Nabiki's eye twitched rapidly before she face faulted.
Andrew: Heh.
So, what do you think? Is it good? Should I die numerous times? C&C if
anyone
out there can give it would be welcomed open armedly. I have no preferences.
Flames, comments, criticism, public, private whatever! I just want to know
how I'm doing and whether or not anyone enjoyed this. If they have then I
myself will be greatly joyed because right after me all of you are who I'm
writing this for. Anyway, back to my slave labo..errrrr...school work. Hope
to hear from anyone soon.
This story has good potential... but the question is, where do intend to go
with it? That is truly what will make or break your idea. Are they simply
going to try to fit in now that they've arrived? What are your plans.
Your use of the language is ok... but get's redundant at times. No need to
double-explain things (Ex: Nabiki thinking of a way to stop her father from
killing Genma while not hurting him and still letting him beat the snot out
of Genma.)
I got the message the first time... I think. ^_^
Romance-wise, I'm curious to know how you intend to play out Ranma and
Nabiki's feelings for each other. I don't think you can leave Ranma the
social dummy with Nabiki as a partner. She would have helped him for
sure... if only to spare herself embarrassment.
It's a good start, now let's see where you take it.
See ya
___________
/ Here lies:\ Save the Whales -> Harpoon a Honda
| Andrew |
| | The light at the end of the tunnel may be an
| I think | oncoming dragon.
| he's hungry |
| | What UNIVERSE is this, please?