Hmm... there are actually spoilers here. Honest. I don't know how
Mayhem actually came up with spoilers for something we haven't even
watched yet. Well, in any case, do not read unless you've watched
up to, say, the last episode of the series.
Oh, and don't read it on a full stomach either.
Switch
Thanks to Timerunner. He's the one who thought of this first.
------------------------------
Nikholas F. Toledo Zu Productions Present...
A Post-"End of Evangelion" Spamfic
Trouble in Paradise
or
Do we *really* have to go through this all over again?
by Nikholas "Mayhem" F. Toledo
------------------------------
In the year 2016 A.D., humanity has completed the next step in their
evolution via the process of instrumentality. Now, Rei Ayanami[1], wearing
her white with black striped plug suit, stood at the crossroads of the
Garden of Eden, and readied herself for the rest of Eternity.
[1] Since mankind now exists as a conglomerate of souls, there is a
difficulty personifying such a large group of individuals acting as single
being. Here, Rei Ayanami is used to represent the new angel body since she
was the driving force of instrumentality although Shinji, or Asuka, or
Misato, or Gendo or any other member of the cast (or any other human being
for that matter) can be as easily used since they all exist simultaneously
inside the mass-mind.
She was about to do her
spinning-upside-down-while-underwater-to-the-tune-of-"Fly me to the
moon"-routine when a human figure appeared from the crest of a nearby hill
ran toward her. And to Rei's surprise, the figure seemed to look a lot like
her.
Another Rei Ayanami, dressed in her blue school uniform with a cute yellow
sleeveless sweater and a slice of toasted bread in her mouth, came up to
her and protested vehemently. "I/We/Well-Adjusted-Mankind demand equal
representation in the new world order!"
"Who are you?" Original Rei-representation asked. Then she looked at her
closely and realized that she (the other Rei) was a representation of
another massed humanity as well. "Where did you (all of you) come from?"
Other Rei-representation pouted sourly. "What do you mean, you don't know?
You're the facilitator of your instrumentality, aren't you?"
"Well... Yes, but---"
"Aha! Then I'm your problem!" Other Rei extended her finger towards
Original Rei in a talk-to-the-finger manner to bring her point home. "I'm
the conglomeration of the souls of all the characters who existed in the
alternate universes you proposed to Shinji and to everyone else where the
people all seem to be happy." Her finger turned into an open palm as she
extended her hand. "Call me the Well-Adjusted Rei Ayanami," she said,
smiling. (kawaii!)
Original Rei still couldn't believe it. "But you're just a figment of
my/our/mankind's imagination..."
Well-Adjusted Rei's face turned into a scowl and her hand dropped to her
side. "I/we/well-adjusted-mankind may seem to be a figment of
your/mankind's imagination but I/we love my/our children too. We couldn't
let ourselves get written off the paycheck just like that so we did our own
instrumentality (it was hard without NERV and the EVA's and all that, but
that's another story) and here I/we am/are. Now, I'm as real as you are so
deal with it."
Original Rei thought for a while. Since they were both groups of
individual souls, and the ultimate goal of instrumentality was the
unification of all souls, there was only one course of action. "There's
only one course of action," she said. "It is to continue the process of
instrumentality and---"
"MERGE WITH YOU?!?" Well-Adjusted Rei shrieked disbelieveingly. "There's
no way we're gonna merge with you, you know. We all hate our real selves.
Take me for example. I threw a really bad tantrum when I found out that my
real self didn't have a social life. My gosh, you don't even know what it's
like to go out on a date, don't you?" Well-Adjusted Rei paused for a while
in reflection. "Okay, I'll let you talk to Shinji."
Well-Adjusted Rei morphed into Well-Adjusted Ikari Shinji. "I hate myself,
I mean my real self. I can't believe that I'm just a figment of the
imagination of a spineless little boy with no sense of self-worth without
his EVA. And he even might be gay!"
"Hey! I'm not gay!" Original Rei morphed into Original Shinji and yelled
back. "Just because I have difficulty expressing my feelings doesn't make
me a closet case!"
"Well, if you aren't gay, you're a pervert then!" Well-Adjusted Asuka
slapped Original Shinji's face. "I can't believe you did that..."
Well-Adjusted Asuka cringed in disgust, "... that thing when my real self
was unconsious in that hospital bed!"
"Y-you know about that!" Original Shinji cringed, then dived deep into the
recesses of the (original) mass-mind. Orignal Rei appeared briefly, but
morphed into a furious Original Asuka. "How dare you think that you're
better than the original Soryuu Asuka Langley!"
"How dare you let that pervert Shinji get away with what he did, no
offense, Shinji," Well-Adjusted Asuka talked to
Well-Adjusted-Shinji-in-herself.
"Don't worry..." Original Asuka said to the person/people in front of
her/them. "I'll personally deal with this later, right, Shinji?" A part of
the original-Asuka-representation (Shinji) paled under the LOOK of another
part of the original-Asuka-representation (Asuka). "Back to the topic...
How dare you think that you're better than the original Soryuu Asuka Langley!"
"That's because you're a BITCH!"
"Well you're nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copycat!
"I think this is getting way out of hand," said Original
Rei-representation to herself/themselves.
"Calm down, you two..." added Well-Adjusted Rei-representation.
"BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!"
"COPYCAT!!!"
What followed next was a catfight of Ranma-ish proportions, full of hair
pulling and eye-poking and kicking and screaming and nobody knowing what
the heck was going on, with Rei and Rei and Shinji and Shinji and the rest
of the two humanities trying to pull the two Asuka's apart.
"Will you please stop!"
Asuka and Asuka stopped fighiting at the third voice. "What is this?!?"
they (original and well-adjusted mass-minds) screamed at the same time.
A third Rei smiled at them, and she was wearing a blue turban. "Hi,
mass-minds. I'm Hajji Ayanami Rei-representation and I/We/Humanity was/were
wondering if you guys could point us in the direction of Mecca?..."
Original Rei-representation and Well-Adjusted Rei-representation looked at
each other in agreement at what the appropriate response was.
Two Shinji's screamed. "AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!"
*****
Meanwhile...
From a balcony overlooking a nearby park, Buddist Rei-representation
turned to his/her/their friend/friends, the Vulcan Shinji-representation
(with the pointy ears) and asked. "Do you think it's time to make our-our
presense felt?"
"Not yet, girlfriend..." he/she/they replied. "I don't think they're ready
for the Tokyo-3-representations-Representation yet."
The rest of the Rei-and-Shinji-representation mass-minds laughed and went
back to spinning upside-down to the tune of "Fly me to the Moon" while
playing the cello.
"Don't they ever get tired of that?" Asuka (representations) bigsweated,
and went back to watching TV with Pen-pen (representations).
End.
------
Mayhem
040699
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